My ILs want to throw me a party with their friends

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am pp who replied on first page that you say thanks, what a nice thing and go with the flow. I can't believe this has evolved into some ethnic dispute. I am from Eastern Europe and my family does something very similar, sure not with DH's childhood friends, as he is American, but they will have me visit and have family visit us non stop and throw a party maybe. I honestly wish they would just make it into one big party rather than non stop parade, so I know why I said to just be positive. My DH's family will do the same, CO family, non stop and a party and dinners, also with mostly friends and family. This is clearly a custom in many part of US and parts of the world. So, yes, I understand what a hassle it is, but hey, everything is better with a smile and a nice attitude.

Of course women are supposed to smile and have a nice attitude. Lol. That’s what we’ve been doing for centuries, so why stop now?

Whatever, nowhere did I suggest that male children and ILS shouldn't do the same. And they do.

Perhaps you didn’t read OP’s post. Her DH is too busy to attend his family’s party.

I read her OP. My comment goes that in many countries custom is done for male and female children. She choose to go, right? Meaning, they must have somewhat decent relationship. If he was going, he would attend the party, and if they were visiting her parents and her parents threw the party, and he was going and would go to the party even without her most likely. A lot of rather dense people here. Is there a point in our society or any society that we just become engulfed in out own desires and to heck with the world? I am really tired of Christmas dinners and presents, as I am sure many parents are, do we just all stop doing holidays because we don't feel like it? Do we stop celebrating our kids' birthdays even though we have done it for years and it is a custom? Do we always put our own needs above needs of our families and friends? Do you? Do you put your needs above your kids' needs all the time? Sure, here and there, but quite frankly this is one party for a couple of hours. She is not forced to attend a 10 day wedding of people she doesn't know at all. I had to attend a 4th of July party in a small town where I didn't know, at the time, any of DH's cousins and family, none. Was a weird Eastern European embraced by extended family? Heck no. But it was just a few hours. I grew to like DH's grandparents so much, and they embraced me later. My advice to all people is that if your first reaction to something is negative, stop before you refuse it in that moment. Then think of something positive and reevaluate. I honestly can't believe that you are having me, an Eastern European, telling you this. We are world known for our negativity, often rudeness and just plain lack of manners. I mean, if that isn't just sad, I don't know what is.

Wow, just so you know, no one read that rant.

Well you did because you replied.

You can actually reply without reading the previous post. I certainly didn't read that thesis.

It was pretty much inapplicable to the facts of OP’s post anyway.

[Anonymous]

How long are you visiting for? How far away do they love? If it’s only for a couple of hours, surely your DH can tear himself away from work to suffer with you.

I don’t know, the more I think about this, the more it sounds like a “Get Out” scenario

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am pp who replied on first page that you say thanks, what a nice thing and go with the flow. I can't believe this has evolved into some ethnic dispute. I am from Eastern Europe and my family does something very similar, sure not with DH's childhood friends, as he is American, but they will have me visit and have family visit us non stop and throw a party maybe. I honestly wish they would just make it into one big party rather than non stop parade, so I know why I said to just be positive. My DH's family will do the same, CO family, non stop and a party and dinners, also with mostly friends and family. This is clearly a custom in many part of US and parts of the world. So, yes, I understand what a hassle it is, but hey, everything is better with a smile and a nice attitude.

Of course women are supposed to smile and have a nice attitude. Lol. That’s what we’ve been doing for centuries, so why stop now?

Whatever, nowhere did I suggest that male children and ILS shouldn't do the same. And they do.

Perhaps you didn’t read OP’s post. Her DH is too busy to attend his family’s party.

I read her OP. My comment goes that in many countries custom is done for male and female children. She choose to go, right? Meaning, they must have somewhat decent relationship. If he was going, he would attend the party, and if they were visiting her parents and her parents threw the party, and he was going and would go to the party even without her most likely. A lot of rather dense people here. Is there a point in our society or any society that we just become engulfed in out own desires and to heck with the world? I am really tired of Christmas dinners and presents, as I am sure many parents are, do we just all stop doing holidays because we don't feel like it? Do we stop celebrating our kids' birthdays even though we have done it for years and it is a custom? Do we always put our own needs above needs of our families and friends? Do you? Do you put your needs above your kids' needs all the time? Sure, here and there, but quite frankly this is one party for a couple of hours. She is not forced to attend a 10 day wedding of people she doesn't know at all. I had to attend a 4th of July party in a small town where I didn't know, at the time, any of DH's cousins and family, none. Was a weird Eastern European embraced by extended family? Heck no. But it was just a few hours. I grew to like DH's grandparents so much, and they embraced me later. My advice to all people is that if your first reaction to something is negative, stop before you refuse it in that moment. Then think of something positive and reevaluate. I honestly can't believe that you are having me, an Eastern European, telling you this. We are world known for our negativity, often rudeness and just plain lack of manners. I mean, if that isn't just sad, I don't know what is.

Wow, just so you know, no one read that rant.

Well you did because you replied.

You can actually reply without reading the previous post. I certainly didn't read that thesis.

Are you proud of being unable to read a few paragraphs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sounds nice of them! Why not frame it as a party for the kids and that takes the pressure off of you. Who knows, maybe no one can make it. But if they can, your kids will have buddies for a few weeks.

Consider yourself lucky OP. With all the negative in law posts on DCUM you have ones that love you so much they want to bring you into theit world of friends. They're trying to make sure you have a good time and have some friends while you're there.

This. op should count herself lucky if this is the biggest family problem she has.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Wow, I can't believe this is still going on.

For those asking: This is not at all the first time they have thrown "small gatherings" of 50 people against my express wishes. God, no. We've been married 9 years, and this started with big Indian wedding I wanted none of. But this is the first time they have asked me in advance, told me it was in my honor, invited my contemporaries rather than theirs, and are doing it without DH present. They want to claim it is "for me."

In any case, I already told MIL in a text "I think this sounds awkward, and you should wait until DH is there. This is not my favorite idea, but if it's important to you, I'll do it." As others said, we do things for family, so I'll deal with it. But I do want them to understand that they are not doing this FOR ME. At all.

They are pushy. DH has been dealing with it his whole life and has disengaged as much as he can. I am trying to find lines in the sand to draw. I thought this might be a reasonable one. Part of the problem is that when I try to draw lines, they tell me I just don't understand "their culture" and I'll insult their friends if I don't {insert event here}.

Pushy ILs are obviously not the worst problem in the world, but they are a problem. Fortunately, for mine, it's really a socialization thing. They don't insult the way I raise my kids or have a job or eat when I'm pregnant or anything important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am pp who replied on first page that you say thanks, what a nice thing and go with the flow. I can't believe this has evolved into some ethnic dispute. I am from Eastern Europe and my family does something very similar, sure not with DH's childhood friends, as he is American, but they will have me visit and have family visit us non stop and throw a party maybe. I honestly wish they would just make it into one big party rather than non stop parade, so I know why I said to just be positive. My DH's family will do the same, CO family, non stop and a party and dinners, also with mostly friends and family. This is clearly a custom in many part of US and parts of the world. So, yes, I understand what a hassle it is, but hey, everything is better with a smile and a nice attitude.

Of course women are supposed to smile and have a nice attitude. Lol. That’s what we’ve been doing for centuries, so why stop now?

Whatever, nowhere did I suggest that male children and ILS shouldn't do the same. And they do.

Perhaps you didn’t read OP’s post. Her DH is too busy to attend his family’s party.

I read her OP. My comment goes that in many countries custom is done for male and female children. She choose to go, right? Meaning, they must have somewhat decent relationship. If he was going, he would attend the party, and if they were visiting her parents and her parents threw the party, and he was going and would go to the party even without her most likely. A lot of rather dense people here. Is there a point in our society or any society that we just become engulfed in out own desires and to heck with the world? I am really tired of Christmas dinners and presents, as I am sure many parents are, do we just all stop doing holidays because we don't feel like it? Do we stop celebrating our kids' birthdays even though we have done it for years and it is a custom? Do we always put our own needs above needs of our families and friends? Do you? Do you put your needs above your kids' needs all the time? Sure, here and there, but quite frankly this is one party for a couple of hours. She is not forced to attend a 10 day wedding of people she doesn't know at all. I had to attend a 4th of July party in a small town where I didn't know, at the time, any of DH's cousins and family, none. Was a weird Eastern European embraced by extended family? Heck no. But it was just a few hours. I grew to like DH's grandparents so much, and they embraced me later. My advice to all people is that if your first reaction to something is negative, stop before you refuse it in that moment. Then think of something positive and reevaluate. I honestly can't believe that you are having me, an Eastern European, telling you this. We are world known for our negativity, often rudeness and just plain lack of manners. I mean, if that isn't just sad, I don't know what is.

Wow, just so you know, no one read that rant.

Well you did because you replied.

You can actually reply without reading the previous post. I certainly didn't read that thesis.

Are you proud of being unable to read a few paragraphs?

Of complete nonsense? Yes, actually, I am.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am pp who replied on first page that you say thanks, what a nice thing and go with the flow. I can't believe this has evolved into some ethnic dispute. I am from Eastern Europe and my family does something very similar, sure not with DH's childhood friends, as he is American, but they will have me visit and have family visit us non stop and throw a party maybe. I honestly wish they would just make it into one big party rather than non stop parade, so I know why I said to just be positive. My DH's family will do the same, CO family, non stop and a party and dinners, also with mostly friends and family. This is clearly a custom in many part of US and parts of the world. So, yes, I understand what a hassle it is, but hey, everything is better with a smile and a nice attitude.

Of course women are supposed to smile and have a nice attitude. Lol. That’s what we’ve been doing for centuries, so why stop now?

Whatever, nowhere did I suggest that male children and ILS shouldn't do the same. And they do.

Perhaps you didn’t read OP’s post. Her DH is too busy to attend his family’s party.

I read her OP. My comment goes that in many countries custom is done for male and female children. She choose to go, right? Meaning, they must have somewhat decent relationship. If he was going, he would attend the party, and if they were visiting her parents and her parents threw the party, and he was going and would go to the party even without her most likely. A lot of rather dense people here. Is there a point in our society or any society that we just become engulfed in out own desires and to heck with the world? I am really tired of Christmas dinners and presents, as I am sure many parents are, do we just all stop doing holidays because we don't feel like it? Do we stop celebrating our kids' birthdays even though we have done it for years and it is a custom? Do we always put our own needs above needs of our families and friends? Do you? Do you put your needs above your kids' needs all the time? Sure, here and there, but quite frankly this is one party for a couple of hours. She is not forced to attend a 10 day wedding of people she doesn't know at all. I had to attend a 4th of July party in a small town where I didn't know, at the time, any of DH's cousins and family, none. Was a weird Eastern European embraced by extended family? Heck no. But it was just a few hours. I grew to like DH's grandparents so much, and they embraced me later. My advice to all people is that if your first reaction to something is negative, stop before you refuse it in that moment. Then think of something positive and reevaluate. I honestly can't believe that you are having me, an Eastern European, telling you this. We are world known for our negativity, often rudeness and just plain lack of manners. I mean, if that isn't just sad, I don't know what is.

Wow, just so you know, no one read that rant.

Well you did because you replied.

You can actually reply without reading the previous post. I certainly didn't read that thesis.

Are you proud of being unable to read a few paragraphs?

Of complete nonsense? Yes, actually, I am.

Are you the same pp who pretends to be MIL all the time? Or the one who is incapable of discussing things and seeing different opinions and tells people to shut up and go die already and similar? I bet your are.

[Anonymous]

Op, my best advice is to follow DH's lead. I get we do things we don't want to for family, but having 50 people your DH grew up with over for you is quite different than the 2 hour party people on here are making it out to be.

I also married married someone from another culture and as important as it is for me to learn about his culture and respect it and expose our kids to it, I also have my own culture with its own expectations of the role and place of family and it is equally important for his family to understand that. Sounds like you might be in a similar situation. Good luck

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am pp who replied on first page that you say thanks, what a nice thing and go with the flow. I can't believe this has evolved into some ethnic dispute. I am from Eastern Europe and my family does something very similar, sure not with DH's childhood friends, as he is American, but they will have me visit and have family visit us non stop and throw a party maybe. I honestly wish they would just make it into one big party rather than non stop parade, so I know why I said to just be positive. My DH's family will do the same, CO family, non stop and a party and dinners, also with mostly friends and family. This is clearly a custom in many part of US and parts of the world. So, yes, I understand what a hassle it is, but hey, everything is better with a smile and a nice attitude.

Of course women are supposed to smile and have a nice attitude. Lol. That’s what we’ve been doing for centuries, so why stop now?

Whatever, nowhere did I suggest that male children and ILS shouldn't do the same. And they do.

Perhaps you didn’t read OP’s post. Her DH is too busy to attend his family’s party.

I read her OP. My comment goes that in many countries custom is done for male and female children. She choose to go, right? Meaning, they must have somewhat decent relationship. If he was going, he would attend the party, and if they were visiting her parents and her parents threw the party, and he was going and would go to the party even without her most likely. A lot of rather dense people here. Is there a point in our society or any society that we just become engulfed in out own desires and to heck with the world? I am really tired of Christmas dinners and presents, as I am sure many parents are, do we just all stop doing holidays because we don't feel like it? Do we stop celebrating our kids' birthdays even though we have done it for years and it is a custom? Do we always put our own needs above needs of our families and friends? Do you? Do you put your needs above your kids' needs all the time? Sure, here and there, but quite frankly this is one party for a couple of hours. She is not forced to attend a 10 day wedding of people she doesn't know at all. I had to attend a 4th of July party in a small town where I didn't know, at the time, any of DH's cousins and family, none. Was a weird Eastern European embraced by extended family? Heck no. But it was just a few hours. I grew to like DH's grandparents so much, and they embraced me later. My advice to all people is that if your first reaction to something is negative, stop before you refuse it in that moment. Then think of something positive and reevaluate. I honestly can't believe that you are having me, an Eastern European, telling you this. We are world known for our negativity, often rudeness and just plain lack of manners. I mean, if that isn't just sad, I don't know what is.

Wow, just so you know, no one read that rant.

Well you did because you replied.

You can actually reply without reading the previous post. I certainly didn't read that thesis.

Are you proud of being unable to read a few paragraphs?

Of complete nonsense? Yes, actually, I am.

Are you the same pp who pretends to be MIL all the time? Or the one who is incapable of discussing things and seeing different opinions and tells people to shut up and go die already and similar? I bet your are.

What on earth are you ranting about? Take your meds and take a nap.

[Anonymous]

^^ so you are insane. Good to know.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am an introvert and I get how much you dread and hate this. But... come on. It's life. It's your children's grandparents. You are right that they are not doing it for you--and it's annoying that they would try to present it that way without really understanding your personality and needs--but can't you do it for them? I might complain about it and secretly resent it, but I would never refuse or even send a text like the one you did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Wow, I can't believe this is still going on.

For those asking: This is not at all the first time they have thrown "small gatherings" of 50 people against my express wishes. God, no. We've been married 9 years, and this started with big Indian wedding I wanted none of. But this is the first time they have asked me in advance, told me it was in my honor, invited my contemporaries rather than theirs, and are doing it without DH present. They want to claim it is "for me."

In any case, I already told MIL in a text "I think this sounds awkward, and you should wait until DH is there. This is not my favorite idea, but if it's important to you, I'll do it." As others said, we do things for family, so I'll deal with it. But I do want them to understand that they are not doing this FOR ME. At all.

They are pushy. DH has been dealing with it his whole life and has disengaged as much as he can. I am trying to find lines in the sand to draw. I thought this might be a reasonable one. Part of the problem is that when I try to draw lines, they tell me I just don't understand "their culture" and I'll insult their friends if I don't {insert event here}.

Pushy ILs are obviously not the worst problem in the world, but they are a problem. Fortunately, for mine, it's really a socialization thing. They don't insult the way I raise my kids or have a job or eat when I'm pregnant or anything important.

And you'll be trying to draw those lines for the rest of your married life. You obviously didn't learn from DH's experiences. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Wow, I can't believe this is still going on.

For those asking: This is not at all the first time they have thrown "small gatherings" of 50 people against my express wishes. God, no. We've been married 9 years, and this started with big Indian wedding I wanted none of. But this is the first time they have asked me in advance, told me it was in my honor, invited my contemporaries rather than theirs, and are doing it without DH present. They want to claim it is "for me."

In any case, I already told MIL in a text "I think this sounds awkward, and you should wait until DH is there. This is not my favorite idea, but if it's important to you, I'll do it." As others said, we do things for family, so I'll deal with it. But I do want them to understand that they are not doing this FOR ME. At all.

They are pushy. DH has been dealing with it his whole life and has disengaged as much as he can. I am trying to find lines in the sand to draw. I thought this might be a reasonable one. Part of the problem is that when I try to draw lines, they tell me I just don't understand "their culture" and I'll insult their friends if I don't {insert event here}.

Pushy ILs are obviously not the worst problem in the world, but they are a problem. Fortunately, for mine, it's really a socialization thing. They don't insult the way I raise my kids or have a job or eat when I'm pregnant or anything important.

That's easily turned around, no? You can just as easily say that your culture matters also, and that, in American culture, the preferences of the adult children matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Wow, I can't believe this is still going on.

For those asking: This is not at all the first time they have thrown "small gatherings" of 50 people against my express wishes. God, no. We've been married 9 years, and this started with big Indian wedding I wanted none of. But this is the first time they have asked me in advance, told me it was in my honor, invited my contemporaries rather than theirs, and are doing it without DH present. They want to claim it is "for me."

In any case, I already told MIL in a text "I think this sounds awkward, and you should wait until DH is there. This is not my favorite idea, but if it's important to you, I'll do it." As others said, we do things for family, so I'll deal with it. But I do want them to understand that they are not doing this FOR ME. At all.

They are pushy. DH has been dealing with it his whole life and has disengaged as much as he can. I am trying to find lines in the sand to draw. I thought this might be a reasonable one. Part of the problem is that when I try to draw lines, they tell me I just don't understand "their culture" and I'll insult their friends if I don't {insert event here}.

Pushy ILs are obviously not the worst problem in the world, but they are a problem. Fortunately, for mine, it's really a socialization thing. They don't insult the way I raise my kids or have a job or eat when I'm pregnant or anything important.

You sound so balanced and kind. I think you are handling this perfectly. If they say this is important to them and you suffer through this time, it may be time to get your DH to draw a firmer line for next time or this may be your new normal every time you visit. Good luck and come back with an update after the party (I assume your ILs will still want to do it!) and let us know how it goes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am an introvert and I get how much you dread and hate this. But... come on. It's life. It's your children's grandparents. You are right that they are not doing it for you--and it's annoying that they would try to present it that way without really understanding your personality and needs--but can't you do it for them? I might complain about it and secretly resent it, but I would never refuse or even send a text like the one you did.

So you are a doormat?