My ILs want to throw me a party with their friends

[Anonymous]

OP here. Okay, message processed. Grin and bear it. I'll send a conciliatory text to say thank you for going to the trouble and smile through. This is just so strange to me. Again, I'm sure I'll like many of the people they're inviting, but it's not pleasant for me.

They invite tons of people over every time we come, but usually their own friends and without giving me any notice. I get what they're doing, and I know they are kind people. But honestly the fact that they make it so difficult to get through the weekend with all the forced socialization makes me bring the kids LESS often than I otherwise would. It's just this, on top of the long drive, on top of the time off work, on top of the difficulty getting a 2yo to sleep in a weird place, on top of the weekend without my husband. Sigh.

Vent over.

[Anonymous]

I've also married into a South Asian family that would totally pull this on me. At first I tried to be accommodating but it just got worse and worse and worse.

For those who haven't been in this situation, it feels like you're being displayed as a lamb for butchering. It's absolutely horrible. It's very much an opportunity for the in laws to "show off" OP and their children.

First, decide how much you can take before it's totally miserable (one or two other couples?) and then have your DH express that to them. CLEARLY AND FIRMLY.

[Anonymous]

How long would this be? People keep assuming a couple of hours, but would it be an all day thing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There’s a reason your DH doesn’t know when he will be able to visit his own parents. I highly doubt he is that busy . . .

This! Your husband is totally hanging you out here

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s a reason your DH doesn’t know when he will be able to visit his own parents. I highly doubt he is that busy . . .

This! Your husband is totally hanging you out here

OP here. Yes, he totally is. His parents are undeniably pushy, even more so to him, and it's painful for him, so work is often a too-convenient excuse. That said, I'm not going to punish my ILs or the kids because he's willing too work too hard to avoid them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Okay, message processed. Grin and bear it. I'll send a conciliatory text to say thank you for going to the trouble and smile through. This is just so strange to me. Again, I'm sure I'll like many of the people they're inviting, but it's not pleasant for me.

They invite tons of people over every time we come, but usually their own friends and without giving me any notice. I get what they're doing, and I know they are kind people. But honestly the fact that they make it so difficult to get through the weekend with all the forced socialization makes me bring the kids LESS often than I otherwise would. It's just this, on top of the long drive, on top of the time off work, on top of the difficulty getting a 2yo to sleep in a weird place, on top of the weekend without my husband. Sigh.

Vent over.

You're a saint OP! I can't believe you're taking time off work and your DH isn't going. DH has 5x the amount of annual leave I have and he won't even see his parents without me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They have a close-knit community of highly successful people (duh! South Asians immigrants). If you also were a South Asian and lived close to your ILs, these people would have been your friends too.

The party allows your ILs to get you included into this community and by extension your DH and kids too. A way to connect to their heritage as well as network for the benefit of opportunities for your DH, you and kids. In today's world, the more connections you have the better it is.

All you have to do is be pleasant, ask people how they know your ILs, be humble, smile a lot, be helpful, be friendly. This could be great triumph for you and would raise the stock of you (and your family) in the eyes of this community.

This community is important to your ILs because this is their support system. If they are without a support system - guess who will be doing things for them? Be smart and not short sighted. Play nice and win these people over by being sweet to them, inquiring about them and showing an interest.

You are in a marriage with a person from another culture. This means that your kids can be lucky to be exposed to the culture, cuisine, worldview and network from two different cultures and be enriched. Otherwise, they will be isolated from both cultures because they cannot truly fit.

If they’re lucky, her DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s a reason your DH doesn’t know when he will be able to visit his own parents. I highly doubt he is that busy . . .

This! Your husband is totally hanging you out here

OP here. Yes, he totally is. His parents are undeniably pushy, even more so to him, and it's painful for him, so work is often a too-convenient excuse. That said, I'm not going to punish my ILs or the kids because he's willing too work too hard to avoid them.

Except it doesn’t seem like IL’s want to spend time with the kids, does it? More like show them off and show you who is in charge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've also married into a South Asian family that would totally pull this on me. At first I tried to be accommodating but it just got worse and worse and worse.

For those who haven't been in this situation, it feels like you're being displayed as a lamb for butchering. It's absolutely horrible. It's very much an opportunity for the in laws to "show off" OP and their children.

First, decide how much you can take before it's totally miserable (one or two other couples?) and then have your DH express that to them. CLEARLY AND FIRMLY.

South Asian here and this is typical of someone from that culture. In that they do things in the name of the “family” without any consideration of what DIL/SIL may want or be comfortable with. And they tend to double down when it comes to “American” (white) IL’s because they know you will be more tolerant.

[Anonymous]

Anyone else think its weird they want to invite their friends' kids but not the friends? If I got an invite to my mother's BF's house to meet her DIL - I would think it is super weird. Especially if my mom isn't invited. My mom would think its weird too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone else think its weird they want to invite their friends' kids but not the friends? If I got an invite to my mother's BF's house to meet her DIL - I would think it is super weird. Especially if my mom isn't invited. My mom would think its weird too.

Absolutely. It’s like when my parents wanted to host the prom after party at my house so they could control who I hung out with and what I did. Wxcept these are 30+ year olds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s a reason your DH doesn’t know when he will be able to visit his own parents. I highly doubt he is that busy . . .

This! Your husband is totally hanging you out here

OP here. Yes, he totally is. His parents are undeniably pushy, even more so to him, and it's painful for him, so work is often a too-convenient excuse. That said, I'm not going to punish my ILs or the kids because he's willing too work too hard to avoid them.

It's not punishing your ILs and kids to have the arguments that need to be had with your husband on this topic.

Seriously, call your DH out and figure out a plan *together* that works for your marriage and your family. Make him fess up and give you credit for making his parents happy, at the very least.

[Anonymous]

I'm an introvert, and I get it. It's a little awkward. But you said so yourself--cultural dynamics are at play, here. You knew going into this marriage that cultural dynamics would be a factor from time to time: it's time.

Just chit-chat for a bit, nibble on the food, let your kids have fun, and sneak off for extended bathroom breaks when you can.

My one piece of advice: be clear on the start and end time of the party, and make it crystal clear to your ILs that you will need a break before and after the party. If guests linger, it's not your problem, and you should go rest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s a reason your DH doesn’t know when he will be able to visit his own parents. I highly doubt he is that busy . . .

This! Your husband is totally hanging you out here

OP here. Yes, he totally is. His parents are undeniably pushy, even more so to him, and it's painful for him, so work is often a too-convenient excuse. That said, I'm not going to punish my ILs or the kids because he's willing too work too hard to avoid them.

Does he understand that it will be his childhood friends at the party? Is he even aware of it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm an introvert, and I get it. It's a little awkward. But you said so yourself--cultural dynamics are at play, here. You knew going into this marriage that cultural dynamics would be a factor from time to time: it's time.

Just chit-chat for a bit, nibble on the food, let your kids have fun, and sneak off for extended bathroom breaks when you can.

My one piece of advice: be clear on the start and end time of the party, and make it crystal clear to your ILs that you will need a break before and after the party. If guests linger, it's not your problem, and you should go rest.

Agree with this. Let them know that your 2 year old will have to go to bed at a certain time and you will leave to take care of him at that time. They may push back that he can stay up late, so be prepared to push back.