My ILs want to throw me a party with their friends

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Wow, I can't believe this is still going on.

For those asking: This is not at all the first time they have thrown "small gatherings" of 50 people against my express wishes. God, no. We've been married 9 years, and this started with big Indian wedding I wanted none of. But this is the first time they have asked me in advance, told me it was in my honor, invited my contemporaries rather than theirs, and are doing it without DH present. They want to claim it is "for me."

In any case, I already told MIL in a text "I think this sounds awkward, and you should wait until DH is there. This is not my favorite idea, but if it's important to you, I'll do it." As others said, we do things for family, so I'll deal with it. But I do want them to understand that they are not doing this FOR ME. At all.

They are pushy. DH has been dealing with it his whole life and has disengaged as much as he can. I am trying to find lines in the sand to draw. I thought this might be a reasonable one. Part of the problem is that when I try to draw lines, they tell me I just don't understand "their culture" and I'll insult their friends if I don't {insert event here}.

Pushy ILs are obviously not the worst problem in the world, but they are a problem. Fortunately, for mine, it's really a socialization thing. They don't insult the way I raise my kids or have a job or eat when I'm pregnant or anything important.

That's easily turned around, no? You can just as easily say that your culture matters also, and that, in American culture, the preferences of the adult children matter.

This! This! This!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am an introvert and I get how much you dread and hate this. But... come on. It's life. It's your children's grandparents. You are right that they are not doing it for you--and it's annoying that they would try to present it that way without really understanding your personality and needs--but can't you do it for them? I might complain about it and secretly resent it, but I would never refuse or even send a text like the one you did.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^ so you are insane. Good to know.

You seem really focused on a side discussion that is not helping the op. Not sure how same that is

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am an introvert and I get how much you dread and hate this. But... come on. It's life. It's your children's grandparents. You are right that they are not doing it for you--and it's annoying that they would try to present it that way without really understanding your personality and needs--but can't you do it for them? I might complain about it and secretly resent it, but I would never refuse or even send a text like the one you did.

+1

I think It's hard to judge op's response without knowing how often this happens. If It's once every 3 years that might be one thing but if the in-laws are pressuring her into things she has said she doesn't want to do on a quarterly basis I won't judge her for that text.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Wow, I can't believe this is still going on.

For those asking: This is not at all the first time they have thrown "small gatherings" of 50 people against my express wishes. God, no. We've been married 9 years, and this started with big Indian wedding I wanted none of. But this is the first time they have asked me in advance, told me it was in my honor, invited my contemporaries rather than theirs, and are doing it without DH present. They want to claim it is "for me."

In any case, I already told MIL in a text "I think this sounds awkward, and you should wait until DH is there. This is not my favorite idea, but if it's important to you, I'll do it." As others said, we do things for family, so I'll deal with it. But I do want them to understand that they are not doing this FOR ME. At all.

They are pushy. DH has been dealing with it his whole life and has disengaged as much as he can. I am trying to find lines in the sand to draw. I thought this might be a reasonable one. Part of the problem is that when I try to draw lines, they tell me I just don't understand "their culture" and I'll insult their friends if I don't {insert event here}.

Pushy ILs are obviously not the worst problem in the world, but they are a problem. Fortunately, for mine, it's really a socialization thing. They don't insult the way I raise my kids or have a job or eat when I'm pregnant or anything important.

You posted yesterday. What do you mean by "still going on?"

Why is this the line in the sand for you? What does your DH think about all of this and what you should do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am an introvert and I get how much you dread and hate this. But... come on. It's life. It's your children's grandparents. You are right that they are not doing it for you--and it's annoying that they would try to present it that way without really understanding your personality and needs--but can't you do it for them? I might complain about it and secretly resent it, but I would never refuse or even send a text like the one you did.

+1

I think It's hard to judge op's response without knowing how often this happens. If It's once every 3 years that might be one thing but if the in-laws are pressuring her into things she has said she doesn't want to do on a quarterly basis I won't judge her for that text.

From OP's update:

For those asking: This is not at all the first time they have thrown "small gatherings" of 50 people against my express wishes. God, no. We've been married 9 years, and this started with big Indian wedding I wanted none of. But this is the first time they have asked me in advance, told me it was in my honor, invited my contemporaries rather than theirs, and are doing it without DH present. They want to claim it is "for me."

Some people never learn, or maybe OP is a masochist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am an introvert and I get how much you dread and hate this. But... come on. It's life. It's your children's grandparents. You are right that they are not doing it for you--and it's annoying that they would try to present it that way without really understanding your personality and needs--but can't you do it for them? I might complain about it and secretly resent it, but I would never refuse or even send a text like the one you did.

But on the flip side shouldn't the in-laws have the same standard and NOT do it for her. Why does she have to accommodate their wishes but they can ignore hers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am an introvert and I get how much you dread and hate this. But... come on. It's life. It's your children's grandparents. You are right that they are not doing it for you--and it's annoying that they would try to present it that way without really understanding your personality and needs--but can't you do it for them? I might complain about it and secretly resent it, but I would never refuse or even send a text like the one you did.

+1

I think It's hard to judge op's response without knowing how often this happens. If It's once every 3 years that might be one thing but if the in-laws are pressuring her into things she has said she doesn't want to do on a quarterly basis I won't judge her for that text.

From OP's update:

For those asking: This is not at all the first time they have thrown "small gatherings" of 50 people against my express wishes. God, no. We've been married 9 years, and this started with big Indian wedding I wanted none of. But this is the first time they have asked me in advance, told me it was in my honor, invited my contemporaries rather than theirs, and are doing it without DH present. They want to claim it is "for me."

Some people never learn, or maybe OP is a masochist.

We still don't know how often OP's ILs do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am an introvert and I get how much you dread and hate this. But... come on. It's life. It's your children's grandparents. You are right that they are not doing it for you--and it's annoying that they would try to present it that way without really understanding your personality and needs--but can't you do it for them? I might complain about it and secretly resent it, but I would never refuse or even send a text like the one you did.

+1

I think It's hard to judge op's response without knowing how often this happens. If It's once every 3 years that might be one thing but if the in-laws are pressuring her into things she has said she doesn't want to do on a quarterly basis I won't judge her for that text.

From OP's update:

For those asking: This is not at all the first time they have thrown "small gatherings" of 50 people against my express wishes. God, no. We've been married 9 years, and this started with big Indian wedding I wanted none of. But this is the first time they have asked me in advance, told me it was in my honor, invited my contemporaries rather than theirs, and are doing it without DH present. They want to claim it is "for me."

Some people never learn, or maybe OP is a masochist.

Yeah, I read that too. Op says It's not the first time but only mentions the wedding so it is hard to say how often this happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am an introvert and I get how much you dread and hate this. But... come on. It's life. It's your children's grandparents. You are right that they are not doing it for you--and it's annoying that they would try to present it that way without really understanding your personality and needs--but can't you do it for them? I might complain about it and secretly resent it, but I would never refuse or even send a text like the one you did.

+1

I think It's hard to judge op's response without knowing how often this happens. If It's once every 3 years that might be one thing but if the in-laws are pressuring her into things she has said she doesn't want to do on a quarterly basis I won't judge her for that text.

From OP's update:

For those asking: This is not at all the first time they have thrown "small gatherings" of 50 people against my express wishes. God, no. We've been married 9 years, and this started with big Indian wedding I wanted none of. But this is the first time they have asked me in advance, told me it was in my honor, invited my contemporaries rather than theirs, and are doing it without DH present. They want to claim it is "for me."

Some people never learn, or maybe OP is a masochist.

We still don't know how often OP's ILs do this.

I'm thinking as often as they want to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am an introvert and I get how much you dread and hate this. But... come on. It's life. It's your children's grandparents. You are right that they are not doing it for you--and it's annoying that they would try to present it that way without really understanding your personality and needs--but can't you do it for them? I might complain about it and secretly resent it, but I would never refuse or even send a text like the one you did.

But on the flip side shouldn't the in-laws have the same standard and NOT do it for her. Why does she have to accommodate their wishes but they can ignore hers.

Because OP is writing for advice. I have no doubt that if the ILs wrote in, they would be told to knock it off. We (or in this case OP) can only control herself.

[Anonymous]

Op, you basically have taught your in-laws that they don't have to listen to you and you will go along with anything they want. Their own son avoids them. You are making or letting this happen. There is absolutely nothing wrong with saying no you don't want to spend your vacation with your kids hanging out with your inlaws' friends largely childless kids while your DH skips out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am an introvert and I get how much you dread and hate this. But... come on. It's life. It's your children's grandparents. You are right that they are not doing it for you--and it's annoying that they would try to present it that way without really understanding your personality and needs--but can't you do it for them? I might complain about it and secretly resent it, but I would never refuse or even send a text like the one you did.

But on the flip side shouldn't the in-laws have the same standard and NOT do it for her. Why does she have to accommodate their wishes but they can ignore hers.

Because OP is writing for advice. I have no doubt that if the ILs wrote in, they would be told to knock it off. We (or in this case OP) can only control herself.

Exactly! So op says no. In-laws complain that op doesn't understand their culture and op points out that the in-laws are not respecting her culture

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Wow, I can't believe this is still going on.

For those asking: This is not at all the first time they have thrown "small gatherings" of 50 people against my express wishes. God, no. We've been married 9 years, and this started with big Indian wedding I wanted none of. But this is the first time they have asked me in advance, told me it was in my honor, invited my contemporaries rather than theirs, and are doing it without DH present. They want to claim it is "for me."

In any case, I already told MIL in a text "I think this sounds awkward, and you should wait until DH is there. This is not my favorite idea, but if it's important to you, I'll do it." As others said, we do things for family, so I'll deal with it. But I do want them to understand that they are not doing this FOR ME. At all.

They are pushy. DH has been dealing with it his whole life and has disengaged as much as he can. I am trying to find lines in the sand to draw. I thought this might be a reasonable one. Part of the problem is that when I try to draw lines, they tell me I just don't understand "their culture" and I'll insult their friends if I don't {insert event here}.

Pushy ILs are obviously not the worst problem in the world, but they are a problem. Fortunately, for mine, it's really a socialization thing. They don't insult the way I raise my kids or have a job or eat when I'm pregnant or anything important.

That's easily turned around, no? You can just as easily say that your culture matters also, and that, in American culture, the preferences of the adult children matter.

This! This! This!

you don't understand their culture. I am white and southern and have plenty of indian friends. They do have large gatherings, friends are considered family and they don't think this is strange at all. But OP you knew this when you got married, this is life and not about boundaries. It is cultural and if you don't like it or can't handle it, you should hve married differently,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Wow, I can't believe this is still going on.

For those asking: This is not at all the first time they have thrown "small gatherings" of 50 people against my express wishes. God, no. We've been married 9 years, and this started with big Indian wedding I wanted none of. But this is the first time they have asked me in advance, told me it was in my honor, invited my contemporaries rather than theirs, and are doing it without DH present. They want to claim it is "for me."

In any case, I already told MIL in a text "I think this sounds awkward, and you should wait until DH is there. This is not my favorite idea, but if it's important to you, I'll do it." As others said, we do things for family, so I'll deal with it. But I do want them to understand that they are not doing this FOR ME. At all.

They are pushy. DH has been dealing with it his whole life and has disengaged as much as he can. I am trying to find lines in the sand to draw. I thought this might be a reasonable one. Part of the problem is that when I try to draw lines, they tell me I just don't understand "their culture" and I'll insult their friends if I don't {insert event here}.

Pushy ILs are obviously not the worst problem in the world, but they are a problem. Fortunately, for mine, it's really a socialization thing. They don't insult the way I raise my kids or have a job or eat when I'm pregnant or anything important.

That's easily turned around, no? You can just as easily say that your culture matters also, and that, in American culture, the preferences of the adult children matter.

This! This! This!

you don't understand their culture. I am white and southern and have plenty of indian friends. They do have large gatherings, friends are considered family and they don't think this is strange at all. But OP you knew this when you got married, this is life and not about boundaries. It is cultural and if you don't like it or can't handle it, you should hve married differently,

She married an Indian who clearly doesn't care to follow those traditions so It's less she should have married differently and more she should follow his example and not go on the trip