My ILs want to throw me a party with their friends
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Anonymous
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Before anyone asks: Yes, there are cultural differences here. I'm Midwestern Catholic, ILs are South Asian Muslim. Now:
We've been married 9 years. Kids are 6 and 2. I'm taking my kids up to my ILs' house in a few weeks. DH can't come because he'll be working. While I'm there, his parents have requested to throw a party. They want to invite the children of all their friends (not the parents who are their age, but only my contemporaries) over to spend time with the kids and me. Only one of the families has a child. They were clear that their goal is to create a chance for me to better get to know these family friends. I think this is terribly awkward. My husband would probably be happy to see most of them if he was in town, but hasn't kept in touch with them enough to really care one way or the other. On the other hand, I'm affirmatively dreading having to do this by myself. I'm an introvert and spending time surrounded by all these people, none of whom I have met enough times to even recognize them on the street, is so stressful. When MIL suggested it yesterday, I told them I'd (a) rather spend my time just focusing on seeing them and the kids, and (b) rather wait until DH could be there. She responded that they don't know when DH will be able to visit and it's important to them for me to know their friends' kids. I have to admit that I don't even understand the impetus -- why do they care who I am friends with? -- but more than anything this particular implementation feels so very awkward to me. I can't imagine these 30-35yos want to come over to hang out with their childhood friend's wife, do they? Anyway, can I push back against this any more, or am I stuck? Keep in mind I can't even drink wine to get through this! |
Anonymous
| Ask your husband to talk to them. This sounds torturous! |
Anonymous
| This sounds nice of them! Why not frame it as a party for the kids and that takes the pressure off of you. Who knows, maybe no one can make it. But if they can, your kids will have buddies for a few weeks. |
Anonymous
"It's just a few hours. It's just a few hours." Keep that in mind and repeat as much as you need to. It's strange a strange party but are they usually this pushy about things? |
Anonymous
Only one of the families has a child. It sounds a little awkward, but I'd give it a try. If these guests voluntarily come to the party, I'd assume they want to meet you and be friends. Who knows, you might have fun! |
Anonymous
| Don’t visit without your DH then. They will keep pushing your boundaries, as you have clearly articulated what you are comfortable doing. |
Anonymous
| Maybe you could suggest just a playdate with the one family that has a child? |
Anonymous
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OP, it sounds like they like you and are proud of you, and therefore want to share you with their community. That's a good thing!
I'd also note that while you say your ILs want to help you make friends, they are really trying to share their friends and community (and therefore themselves) with you. Did your ILs have the opportunity to invite their community to the wedding in the first place? FWIW, I'm a total introvert, but I do fine at parties where I have a job to do. Here, your job would be to meet the people who are like extended family to your ILs and to find out about their life and community. "So, Larla, how long have you known ILs? Did you spend time with DH when you were younger? What was it like to grow up in Town X? What should we do with the kids when we visit?" |
Anonymous
| I agree that what they are suggesting is kind and shows that they are proud of having you as a part of their family. It is healthy for your children to be surrounded by a circle of family friends that are involved, caring and interested in their lives. It may not be what you want to do, but it's for a short period of time, isn't asking a lot of you, and would make your in laws very happy. Just do it. |
Anonymous
Maybe—what does your DH have to say about it? Does this seem completely normal to him? Would he support the suggestion to wait until you both come? See what he offers to contextualize it before you press further—but ask him to help contextualize it to them that it is unusual for you. |
Anonymous
| Tell them it sounds great, and that they should invite their own friends as well. I am sure everyone will be very lovely and nice. You know, rather than argue, think of why not, when you are presented with something, how about saying, "Oh, thank you for thinking of me," or, "How thoughtful of you," or "let's invite your older friends too." Often life is so much more pleasant when your first thought isn't no, no way, all negativity all around. Sadly, in this area people are just immediately looking for reasons to hate something rather than be positive and embrace people and situations. It sounds like they see you are their daughter, and are treating you just as they would their son. Sadly, here most white Americans don't accept SILs, DILS, BILS, etc... as their family. You are just someone they have to put up with and fake a smile, if they are seeing you as their daughter, that is great, sure they might be sometimes overbearing, but that is how parents usually are. |
Anonymous
| Damn. You're trying to do a nice thing by visiting them without your husband and then they foist a party on you. I'd say no without your DH present. |
Anonymous
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I would smile and say that you're not sure their friends' children would be interested at all. A way to warn them beforehand in case nobody RSVPs yes! And if someone does come, as an introvert, yes, I understand it might be difficult, but come on. It's not major surgery, is it, OP? You can get through this without whining. Smile, circulate, say hello, how do you do, ask about their relation to your ILs, what they do for a living, what their vacation plans are... Again, I'm an introvert. I know awkward. Awkward doesn't mean bad. If there are silences and pauses in the conversation, it's OK. I'm sure these people will be social and kind and keep the ball rolling. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
| You all are pathetic. It’s a couple hours! |