My ILs want to throw me a party with their friends

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Wow, I can't believe this is still going on.

For those asking: This is not at all the first time they have thrown "small gatherings" of 50 people against my express wishes. God, no. We've been married 9 years, and this started with big Indian wedding I wanted none of. But this is the first time they have asked me in advance, told me it was in my honor, invited my contemporaries rather than theirs, and are doing it without DH present. They want to claim it is "for me."

In any case, I already told MIL in a text "I think this sounds awkward, and you should wait until DH is there. This is not my favorite idea, but if it's important to you, I'll do it." As others said, we do things for family, so I'll deal with it. But I do want them to understand that they are not doing this FOR ME. At all.

They are pushy. DH has been dealing with it his whole life and has disengaged as much as he can. I am trying to find lines in the sand to draw. I thought this might be a reasonable one. Part of the problem is that when I try to draw lines, they tell me I just don't understand "their culture" and I'll insult their friends if I don't {insert event here}.

Pushy ILs are obviously not the worst problem in the world, but they are a problem. Fortunately, for mine, it's really a socialization thing. They don't insult the way I raise my kids or have a job or eat when I'm pregnant or anything important.

That's easily turned around, no? You can just as easily say that your culture matters also, and that, in American culture, the preferences of the adult children matter.

This! This! This!

you don't understand their culture. I am white and southern and have plenty of indian friends. They do have large gatherings, friends are considered family and they don't think this is strange at all. But OP you knew this when you got married, this is life and not about boundaries. It is cultural and if you don't like it or can't handle it, you should hve married differently,

Or the in-laws should have realized when they moved to the US that their son might marry a non-Indian with different cultural traditions and they should consider her feeling from time to time

[Anonymous]

You married into a South Asian family, your business is their business. They will always offer to have parties with the rest of the aunties and relatives and friends. That's how it is. They do it out of fun too and not to convert you in any way. Your kids will always be showered with gifts-that's how the culture is. They just like to celebrate and get together and chat and of course to EAT. In the Asian culture, everybody try to get along, regardless of age. Everyone is invited to the baby shower, everyone is invited to the wedding, there is no excluding auntie#1 or uncle #10. They don't like to wait for the man to decide, that could take forever. If you feel that uncomfortable, just wait for DH to be presently there to do the party.

[Anonymous]

It's a way for them to show off their grand kids. My parents. Do stuff like this. I hate it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ask your husband to talk to them. This sounds torturous!

sounds fine. both sides of our non-local family through big Xmas or July 4th or Bday parties if we have traveled in. NBD. Just relax and enjoy it. maybe you have say HI to tons of people and only really chat with a few. that's how parties work. plus the eating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm not sure this is as much a "cultural difference" thing as it is a "your personal preference" thing. Which is okay but let's call it for what it is. I'm saying that because my family is Mid-West Catholic also, and we definitely had a lot of large welcome and farewell parties thrown for us when we visited my grandparents growing up.

My father was senior government and we never lived in our "home" city where our parents were born but we visited a lot. Usually every summer or every other summer my parents would send us children to our grandparents home city in the Mid-West. Sometimes my mother would accompany us, sometimes not. We would be there for an extended visit of 4-6-8 weeks.

While we were there both sets of Mid-West Catholic grandparents would throw large formal parties for us. They would invite family members, fellow volunteers, clients, business community members, the Mayor or other City Council people, Rotary, the Kiwanas and the Knights, everyone they could think of. The grandparents actually coordinated it: one year one set had the welcome party and the other had the farewell, and then the following visit it was vice versa. And both sets of grandparents would have the city paper (large city that you will have heard of) send a reporter and photographer to document the event, and our photo with a blurb would be in the society or announcements section of the paper. FWIW, we were not the only families in that section of the paper doing the same thing. It was and still is a "thing" to do.

I think that you go, suck it up and attend the party. They want to do it. It won't harm you or your children and your kids may have fun! Most importantly you will be modeling for your children how to do something you don't want to do but you do it because it pleases the people you love and who love you.

Okay, so it’s her personal preference. Those that love her should accept her preferences. Obviously in-laws are concerned about their own preferences, not OP’s (the supposed guest of honor).

And why can't she respect their personal preference for 4-5 hours? And those of her children? You're boxing yourself in. These people are trying to do something nice. OP can make some effort. It is part of life and being part of a family. It is honoring OP's husband and his family. She needs to go, be gracious and be appreciative.

They are not trying to do "something nice." They're trying to do something for themselves (show off OP and her kids).

NP here. My parents are like this and it is totally for their benefit. They pull this stuff constantly even when I've asked them not to (at that point they make it a "surprise" ) and it does nothing more then estrange me from them. I'm open about it with them too. They know it's why I don't bring my family often and they have finally started to curb this ridiculousness. It's really very uncomfortable for introverts like me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask your husband to talk to them. This sounds torturous!

sounds fine. both sides of our non-local family through big Xmas or July 4th or Bday parties if we have traveled in. NBD. Just relax and enjoy it. maybe you have say HI to tons of people and only really chat with a few. that's how parties work. plus the eating.

It's not like that. They look at you like you are paid entertainment and if you don't perform they get offended..

[Anonymous]

DO NOT DO IT WITHOUT YOUR DH. Respecting their culture does not mean acceding to all of their wishes. Acquiescing will create a pattern that becomes increasingly difficult to break over time. If you don't like parties just say so explicitly. They will find you antisocial. You are. Their feelings will be hurt but better sooner than later. Lay down the law now. I did not and still can't convince ILs that my dearest wish is to be left alone. Do not make the same mistake. You have the right to be who you actually are with family.