My ILs want to throw me a party with their friends

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell them it sounds great, and that they should invite their own friends as well. I am sure everyone will be very lovely and nice. You know, rather than argue, think of why not, when you are presented with something, how about saying, "Oh, thank you for thinking of me," or, "How thoughtful of you," or "let's invite your older friends too." Often life is so much more pleasant when your first thought isn't no, no way, all negativity all around. Sadly, in this area people are just immediately looking for reasons to hate something rather than be positive and embrace people and situations. It sounds like they see you are their daughter, and are treating you just as they would their son. Sadly, here most white Americans don't accept SILs, DILS, BILS, etc... as their family. You are just someone they have to put up with and fake a smile, if they are seeing you as their daughter, that is great, sure they might be sometimes overbearing, but that is how parents usually are.

+1 on this. Unless you have real proof otherwise, I would interpret this as them trying to be nice and welcoming. It may not be exactly what you would like, but it is only a few hours.
Since you mention you are introverted, have some stock questions you ask everyone to keep the conversation going.

+2 OP ideally they would invite their generation too. Some PPs have given you stock questions already. Use them. Maybe the family friends of your generation will tell you funny stories about your DH growing up. Plan a quiet activity to recover the following day. Be thankful for your warm family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sounds nice of them! Why not frame it as a party for the kids and that takes the pressure off of you. Who knows, maybe no one can make it. But if they can, your kids will have buddies for a few weeks.

Yes. I agree this may not be the most fun party of your life, but I think the party means "Hey there - we love our wonderful daughter-in-law and want to show she is one of us. Please come to our house and celebrate her."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that what they are suggesting is kind and shows that they are proud of having you as a part of their family. It is healthy for your children to be surrounded by a circle of family friends that are involved, caring and interested in their lives. It may not be what you want to do, but it's for a short period of time, isn't asking a lot of you, and would make your in laws very happy. Just do it.

+1

Don't be miserable and antisocial, OP. It is for a couple hours, not days or weeks or years. My God, grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sounds nice of them! Why not frame it as a party for the kids and that takes the pressure off of you. Who knows, maybe no one can make it. But if they can, your kids will have buddies for a few weeks.

Yes. I agree this may not be the most fun party of your life, but I think the party means "Hey there - we love our wonderful daughter-in-law and want to show she is one of us. Please come to our house and celebrate her."

+1

Plenty of MILs wouldn't have any friends to invite - be grateful, OP - your MIL is a kind, warm, selfless, welcoming MIL (not some smug, cold, control freak, antisocial byotch).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've also married into a South Asian family that would totally pull this on me. At first I tried to be accommodating but it just got worse and worse and worse.

For those who haven't been in this situation, it feels like you're being displayed as a lamb for butchering. It's absolutely horrible. It's very much an opportunity for the in laws to "show off" OP and their children.

First, decide how much you can take before it's totally miserable (one or two other couples?) and then have your DH express that to them. CLEARLY AND FIRMLY.

South Asian here and this is typical of someone from that culture. In that they do things in the name of the “family” without any consideration of what DIL/SIL may want or be comfortable with. And they tend to double down when it comes to “American” (white) IL’s because they know you will be more tolerant.

But keep telling OP that this is a kind and considerate thing for the in-laws to be doing, ignoring us, who actually have BTDT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've also married into a South Asian family that would totally pull this on me. At first I tried to be accommodating but it just got worse and worse and worse.

For those who haven't been in this situation, it feels like you're being displayed as a lamb for butchering. It's absolutely horrible. It's very much an opportunity for the in laws to "show off" OP and their children.

First, decide how much you can take before it's totally miserable (one or two other couples?) and then have your DH express that to them. CLEARLY AND FIRMLY.

South Asian here and this is typical of someone from that culture. In that they do things in the name of the “family” without any consideration of what DIL/SIL may want or be comfortable with. And they tend to double down when it comes to “American” (white) IL’s because they know you will be more tolerant.

But keep telling OP that this is a kind and considerate thing for the in-laws to be doing, ignoring us, who actually have BTDT.

(This directed at basically everyone else in this thread)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sounds nice of them! Why not frame it as a party for the kids and that takes the pressure off of you. Who knows, maybe no one can make it. But if they can, your kids will have buddies for a few weeks.

+2 I know you are anxious about it, OP, but it sounds like they mean this very kindly. I think you grin and bear it. It actually is a good thing for your children to be meeting so many new people and reacquainting themselves with others. Those are valuable life skills. Don't let your anxiety hamper their life lessons. And you may actually find that it isn't as dreadful as you expect!

[Anonymous]

As a South Asian, this is not an unusual situation. I am surprised this is new to you as you have been married for quite a long time. Although, I can't imagine my family hosting a gathering for my caucasian husband and our children without me. I see no reason why you cannot kindly tell you IL's that you would like to meet their friends/children, but would like to wait until your next visit with your husband. He needs to step up - it is his family! And I concur that the community is integral in your ILs lives - like their family, and the community/friends will indeed be helping care for them as they age, so it behooves you and your husband to get to know them and stay in touch if for no other reason than self interest in the future. And enjoy - I'm an introvert too, but SA parties are big, which I think is actually easier for an introvert. You have the excuse of caring for your young kids to take frequent breaks - which so much going on, your absence will not be noted.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm not sure this is as much a "cultural difference" thing as it is a "your personal preference" thing. Which is okay but let's call it for what it is. I'm saying that because my family is Mid-West Catholic also, and we definitely had a lot of large welcome and farewell parties thrown for us when we visited my grandparents growing up.

My father was senior government and we never lived in our "home" city where our parents were born but we visited a lot. Usually every summer or every other summer my parents would send us children to our grandparents home city in the Mid-West. Sometimes my mother would accompany us, sometimes not. We would be there for an extended visit of 4-6-8 weeks.

While we were there both sets of Mid-West Catholic grandparents would throw large formal parties for us. They would invite family members, fellow volunteers, clients, business community members, the Mayor or other City Council people, Rotary, the Kiwanas and the Knights, everyone they could think of. The grandparents actually coordinated it: one year one set had the welcome party and the other had the farewell, and then the following visit it was vice versa. And both sets of grandparents would have the city paper (large city that you will have heard of) send a reporter and photographer to document the event, and our photo with a blurb would be in the society or announcements section of the paper. FWIW, we were not the only families in that section of the paper doing the same thing. It was and still is a "thing" to do.

I think that you go, suck it up and attend the party. They want to do it. It won't harm you or your children and your kids may have fun! Most importantly you will be modeling for your children how to do something you don't want to do but you do it because it pleases the people you love and who love you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've also married into a South Asian family that would totally pull this on me. At first I tried to be accommodating but it just got worse and worse and worse.

For those who haven't been in this situation, it feels like you're being displayed as a lamb for butchering. It's absolutely horrible. It's very much an opportunity for the in laws to "show off" OP and their children.

First, decide how much you can take before it's totally miserable (one or two other couples?) and then have your DH express that to them. CLEARLY AND FIRMLY.

South Asian here and this is typical of someone from that culture.[b] In that they do things in the name of the “family” without any consideration of what DIL/SIL may want or be comfortable with. And they tend to double down when it comes to “American” (white) IL’s because they know you will be more tolerant.

But keep telling OP that this is a kind and considerate thing for the in-laws to be doing, ignoring us, who actually have BTDT.

(This directed at basically everyone else in this thread)

NP. South Asian here, and the bolded PP does not speak for all of us. I'm sorry that PP thinks that her own family is inconsiderate, but I, like many posters on this thread read it as the ILs wanting their family to meet members of their social circle who are important to them. That's what families do. Enjoy the party and I hope your kids do too.

[Anonymous]

Pretty foolish to visit without DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've also married into a South Asian family that would totally pull this on me. At first I tried to be accommodating but it just got worse and worse and worse.

For those who haven't been in this situation, it feels like you're being displayed as a lamb for butchering. It's absolutely horrible. It's very much an opportunity for the in laws to "show off" OP and their children.

First, decide how much you can take before it's totally miserable (one or two other couples?) and then have your DH express that to them. CLEARLY AND FIRMLY.

South Asian here and this is typical of someone from that culture.[b] In that they do things in the name of the “family” without any consideration of what DIL/SIL may want or be comfortable with. And they tend to double down when it comes to “American” (white) IL’s because they know you will be more tolerant.

But keep telling OP that this is a kind and considerate thing for the in-laws to be doing, ignoring us, who actually have BTDT.

(This directed at basically everyone else in this thread)

NP. South Asian here, and the bolded PP does not speak for all of us. I'm sorry that PP thinks that her own family is inconsiderate, but I, like many posters on this thread read it as the ILs wanting their family to meet members of their social circle who are important to them. That's what families do. Enjoy the party and I hope your kids do too.

It's per se inconsiderate to spring a party on someone, supposedly in their honor, without asking for their in put.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've also married into a South Asian family that would totally pull this on me. At first I tried to be accommodating but it just got worse and worse and worse.

For those who haven't been in this situation, it feels like you're being displayed as a lamb for butchering. It's absolutely horrible. It's very much an opportunity for the in laws to "show off" OP and their children.

First, decide how much you can take before it's totally miserable (one or two other couples?) and then have your DH express that to them. CLEARLY AND FIRMLY.

South Asian here and this is typical of someone from that culture.[b] In that they do things in the name of the “family” without any consideration of what DIL/SIL may want or be comfortable with. And they tend to double down when it comes to “American” (white) IL’s because they know you will be more tolerant.

But keep telling OP that this is a kind and considerate thing for the in-laws to be doing, ignoring us, who actually have BTDT.

(This directed at basically everyone else in this thread)

NP. South Asian here, and the bolded PP does not speak for all of us. I'm sorry that PP thinks that her own family is inconsiderate, but I, like many posters on this thread read it as the ILs wanting their family to meet members of their social circle who are important to them. That's what families do. Enjoy the party and I hope your kids do too.

Right, OP’s faaamily, without her DH. Lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've also married into a South Asian family that would totally pull this on me. At first I tried to be accommodating but it just got worse and worse and worse.

For those who haven't been in this situation, it feels like you're being displayed as a lamb for butchering. It's absolutely horrible. It's very much an opportunity for the in laws to "show off" OP and their children.

First, decide how much you can take before it's totally miserable (one or two other couples?) and then have your DH express that to them. CLEARLY AND FIRMLY.

South Asian here and this is typical of someone from that culture.[b] In that they do things in the name of the “family” without any consideration of what DIL/SIL may want or be comfortable with. And they tend to double down when it comes to “American” (white) IL’s because they know you will be more tolerant.

But keep telling OP that this is a kind and considerate thing for the in-laws to be doing, ignoring us, who actually have BTDT.

(This directed at basically everyone else in this thread)

NP. South Asian here, and the bolded PP does not speak for all of us. I'm sorry that PP thinks that her own family is inconsiderate, but I, like many posters on this thread read it as the ILs wanting their family to meet members of their social circle who are important to them. That's what families do. Enjoy the party and I hope your kids do too.

It's per se inconsiderate to spring a party on someone, supposedly in their honor, without asking for their in put.

And the point is OP doesn’t enjoy parties with a bunch of strangers, so she should not be pressured into it. As far as timeboxing it, very few south Asian parties start on time or end on time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm not sure this is as much a "cultural difference" thing as it is a "your personal preference" thing. Which is okay but let's call it for what it is. I'm saying that because my family is Mid-West Catholic also, and we definitely had a lot of large welcome and farewell parties thrown for us when we visited my grandparents growing up.

My father was senior government and we never lived in our "home" city where our parents were born but we visited a lot. Usually every summer or every other summer my parents would send us children to our grandparents home city in the Mid-West. Sometimes my mother would accompany us, sometimes not. We would be there for an extended visit of 4-6-8 weeks.

While we were there both sets of Mid-West Catholic grandparents would throw large formal parties for us. They would invite family members, fellow volunteers, clients, business community members, the Mayor or other City Council people, Rotary, the Kiwanas and the Knights, everyone they could think of. The grandparents actually coordinated it: one year one set had the welcome party and the other had the farewell, and then the following visit it was vice versa. And both sets of grandparents would have the city paper (large city that you will have heard of) send a reporter and photographer to document the event, and our photo with a blurb would be in the society or announcements section of the paper. FWIW, we were not the only families in that section of the paper doing the same thing. It was and still is a "thing" to do.

I think that you go, suck it up and attend the party. They want to do it. It won't harm you or your children and your kids may have fun! Most importantly you will be modeling for your children how to do something you don't want to do but you do it because it pleases the people you love and who love you.

Okay, so it’s her personal preference. Those that love her should accept her preferences. Obviously in-laws are concerned about their own preferences, not OP’s (the supposed guest of honor).