My ILs want to throw me a party with their friends

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm not sure this is as much a "cultural difference" thing as it is a "your personal preference" thing. Which is okay but let's call it for what it is. I'm saying that because my family is Mid-West Catholic also, and we definitely had a lot of large welcome and farewell parties thrown for us when we visited my grandparents growing up.

My father was senior government and we never lived in our "home" city where our parents were born but we visited a lot. Usually every summer or every other summer my parents would send us children to our grandparents home city in the Mid-West. Sometimes my mother would accompany us, sometimes not. We would be there for an extended visit of 4-6-8 weeks.

While we were there both sets of Mid-West Catholic grandparents would throw large formal parties for us. They would invite family members, fellow volunteers, clients, business community members, the Mayor or other City Council people, Rotary, the Kiwanas and the Knights, everyone they could think of. The grandparents actually coordinated it: one year one set had the welcome party and the other had the farewell, and then the following visit it was vice versa. And both sets of grandparents would have the city paper (large city that you will have heard of) send a reporter and photographer to document the event, and our photo with a blurb would be in the society or announcements section of the paper. FWIW, we were not the only families in that section of the paper doing the same thing. It was and still is a "thing" to do.

I think that you go, suck it up and attend the party. They want to do it. It won't harm you or your children and your kids may have fun! Most importantly you will be modeling for your children how to do something you don't want to do but you do it because it pleases the people you love and who love you.

Okay, so it’s her personal preference. Those that love her should accept her preferences. Obviously in-laws are concerned about their own preferences, not OP’s (the supposed guest of honor).

And why can't she respect their personal preference for 4-5 hours? And those of her children? You're boxing yourself in. These people are trying to do something nice. OP can make some effort. It is part of life and being part of a family. It is honoring OP's husband and his family. She needs to go, be gracious and be appreciative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm not sure this is as much a "cultural difference" thing as it is a "your personal preference" thing. Which is okay but let's call it for what it is. I'm saying that because my family is Mid-West Catholic also, and we definitely had a lot of large welcome and farewell parties thrown for us when we visited my grandparents growing up.

My father was senior government and we never lived in our "home" city where our parents were born but we visited a lot. Usually every summer or every other summer my parents would send us children to our grandparents home city in the Mid-West. Sometimes my mother would accompany us, sometimes not. We would be there for an extended visit of 4-6-8 weeks.

While we were there both sets of Mid-West Catholic grandparents would throw large formal parties for us. They would invite family members, fellow volunteers, clients, business community members, the Mayor or other City Council people, Rotary, the Kiwanas and the Knights, everyone they could think of. The grandparents actually coordinated it: one year one set had the welcome party and the other had the farewell, and then the following visit it was vice versa. And both sets of grandparents would have the city paper (large city that you will have heard of) send a reporter and photographer to document the event, and our photo with a blurb would be in the society or announcements section of the paper. FWIW, we were not the only families in that section of the paper doing the same thing. It was and still is a "thing" to do.

I think that you go, suck it up and attend the party. They want to do it. It won't harm you or your children and your kids may have fun! Most importantly you will be modeling for your children how to do something you don't want to do but you do it because it pleases the people you love and who love you.

Okay, so it’s her personal preference. Those that love her should accept her preferences. Obviously in-laws are concerned about their own preferences, not OP’s (the supposed guest of honor).

And why can't she respect their personal preference for 4-5 hours? And those of her children? You're boxing yourself in. These people are trying to do something nice. OP can make some effort. It is part of life and being part of a family. It is honoring OP's husband and his family. She needs to go, be gracious and be appreciative.

They are not trying to do "something nice." They're trying to do something for themselves (show off OP and her kids).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm not sure this is as much a "cultural difference" thing as it is a "your personal preference" thing. Which is okay but let's call it for what it is. I'm saying that because my family is Mid-West Catholic also, and we definitely had a lot of large welcome and farewell parties thrown for us when we visited my grandparents growing up.

My father was senior government and we never lived in our "home" city where our parents were born but we visited a lot. Usually every summer or every other summer my parents would send us children to our grandparents home city in the Mid-West. Sometimes my mother would accompany us, sometimes not. We would be there for an extended visit of 4-6-8 weeks.

While we were there both sets of Mid-West Catholic grandparents would throw large formal parties for us. They would invite family members, fellow volunteers, clients, business community members, the Mayor or other City Council people, Rotary, the Kiwanas and the Knights, everyone they could think of. The grandparents actually coordinated it: one year one set had the welcome party and the other had the farewell, and then the following visit it was vice versa. And both sets of grandparents would have the city paper (large city that you will have heard of) send a reporter and photographer to document the event, and our photo with a blurb would be in the society or announcements section of the paper. FWIW, we were not the only families in that section of the paper doing the same thing. It was and still is a "thing" to do.

I think that you go, suck it up and attend the party. They want to do it. It won't harm you or your children and your kids may have fun! Most importantly you will be modeling for your children how to do something you don't want to do but you do it because it pleases the people you love and who love you.

Okay, so it’s her personal preference. Those that love her should accept her preferences. Obviously in-laws are concerned about their own preferences, not OP’s (the supposed guest of honor).

And why can't she respect their personal preference for 4-5 hours? And those of her children? You're boxing yourself in. These people are trying to do something nice. OP can make some effort. It is part of life and being part of a family. It is honoring OP's husband and his family. She needs to go, be gracious and be appreciative.

It’s weird that her DH is not part of the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've also married into a South Asian family that would totally pull this on me. At first I tried to be accommodating but it just got worse and worse and worse.

For those who haven't been in this situation, it feels like you're being displayed as a lamb for butchering. It's absolutely horrible. It's very much an opportunity for the in laws to "show off" OP and their children.

First, decide how much you can take before it's totally miserable (one or two other couples?) and then have your DH express that to them. CLEARLY AND FIRMLY.

South Asian here and this is typical of someone from that culture. In that they do things in the name of the “family” without any consideration of what DIL/SIL may want or be comfortable with. And they tend to double down when it comes to “American” (white) IL’s because they know you will be more tolerant.

But keep telling OP that this is a kind and considerate thing for the in-laws to be doing, ignoring us, who actually have BTDT.

Oh brother. What "butchering?" OP has been married for 9 years and if this is the first time it has come up, the ILs have shown great restraint. I am South Asian. We don't do this type of things (family of complete introverts). However, my husband's white Catholic once threw a similar party for me. It was fine. Really. Let the grandparents show off the grandkids and her. It's for a couple hours. Some of you really have issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've also married into a South Asian family that would totally pull this on me. At first I tried to be accommodating but it just got worse and worse and worse.

For those who haven't been in this situation, it feels like you're being displayed as a lamb for butchering. It's absolutely horrible. It's very much an opportunity for the in laws to "show off" OP and their children.

First, decide how much you can take before it's totally miserable (one or two other couples?) and then have your DH express that to them. CLEARLY AND FIRMLY.

South Asian here and this is typical of someone from that culture. In that they do things in the name of the “family” without any consideration of what DIL/SIL may want or be comfortable with. And they tend to double down when it comes to “American” (white) IL’s because they know you will be more tolerant.

But keep telling OP that this is a kind and considerate thing for the in-laws to be doing, ignoring us, who actually have BTDT.

Oh brother. What "butchering?" OP has been married for 9 years and if this is the first time it has come up, the ILs have shown great restraint. I am South Asian. We don't do this type of things (family of complete introverts). However, my husband's white Catholic once threw a similar party for me. It was fine. Really. Let the grandparents show off the grandkids and her. It's for a couple hours. Some of you really have issues.

Your husband's family invited a slew of young people, who are not their own friends, to hang out with you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've also married into a South Asian family that would totally pull this on me. At first I tried to be accommodating but it just got worse and worse and worse.

For those who haven't been in this situation, it feels like you're being displayed as a lamb for butchering. It's absolutely horrible. It's very much an opportunity for the in laws to "show off" OP and their children.

First, decide how much you can take before it's totally miserable (one or two other couples?) and then have your DH express that to them. CLEARLY AND FIRMLY.

South Asian here and this is typical of someone from that culture. In that they do things in the name of the “family” without any consideration of what DIL/SIL may want or be comfortable with. And they tend to double down when it comes to “American” (white) IL’s because they know you will be more tolerant.

But keep telling OP that this is a kind and considerate thing for the in-laws to be doing, ignoring us, who actually have BTDT.

Oh brother. What "butchering?" OP has been married for 9 years and if this is the first time it has come up, the ILs have shown great restraint. I am South Asian. We don't do this type of things (family of complete introverts). However, my husband's white Catholic once threw a similar party for me. It was fine. Really. Let the grandparents show off the grandkids and her. It's for a couple hours. Some of you really have issues.

+1 million. Stop trying to turn this into a white vs. South Asian thread. I'm also South Asian and my parents never throw parties--they are shy. It's not a monolithic culture. OP is an introvert, and parties can be torture for introverts. But for extroverts, the biggest compliment they can throw you is to provide a party because they love parties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've also married into a South Asian family that would totally pull this on me. At first I tried to be accommodating but it just got worse and worse and worse.

For those who haven't been in this situation, it feels like you're being displayed as a lamb for butchering. It's absolutely horrible. It's very much an opportunity for the in laws to "show off" OP and their children.

First, decide how much you can take before it's totally miserable (one or two other couples?) and then have your DH express that to them. CLEARLY AND FIRMLY.

South Asian here and this is typical of someone from that culture. In that they do things in the name of the “family” without any consideration of what DIL/SIL may want or be comfortable with. And they tend to double down when it comes to “American” (white) IL’s because they know you will be more tolerant.

But keep telling OP that this is a kind and considerate thing for the in-laws to be doing, ignoring us, who actually have BTDT.

Oh brother. What "butchering?" OP has been married for 9 years and if this is the first time it has come up, the ILs have shown great restraint. I am South Asian. We don't do this type of things (family of complete introverts). However, my husband's white Catholic once threw a similar party for me. It was fine. Really. Let the grandparents show off the grandkids and her. It's for a couple hours. Some of you really have issues.

Your husband's family invited a slew of young people, who are not their own friends, to hang out with you?

Their age and DH's age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've also married into a South Asian family that would totally pull this on me. At first I tried to be accommodating but it just got worse and worse and worse.

For those who haven't been in this situation, it feels like you're being displayed as a lamb for butchering. It's absolutely horrible. It's very much an opportunity for the in laws to "show off" OP and their children.

First, decide how much you can take before it's totally miserable (one or two other couples?) and then have your DH express that to them. CLEARLY AND FIRMLY.

South Asian here and this is typical of someone from that culture. In that they do things in the name of the “family” without any consideration of what DIL/SIL may want or be comfortable with. And they tend to double down when it comes to “American” (white) IL’s because they know you will be more tolerant.

But keep telling OP that this is a kind and considerate thing for the in-laws to be doing, ignoring us, who actually have BTDT.

Oh brother. What "butchering?" OP has been married for 9 years and if this is the first time it has come up, the ILs have shown great restraint. I am South Asian. We don't do this type of things (family of complete introverts). However, my husband's white Catholic once threw a similar party for me. It was fine. Really. Let the grandparents show off the grandkids and her. It's for a couple hours. Some of you really have issues.

Your husband's family invited a slew of young people, who are not their own friends, to hang out with you?

Their age and DH's age.

Your DH wasn’t available?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've also married into a South Asian family that would totally pull this on me. At first I tried to be accommodating but it just got worse and worse and worse.

For those who haven't been in this situation, it feels like you're being displayed as a lamb for butchering. It's absolutely horrible. It's very much an opportunity for the in laws to "show off" OP and their children.

First, decide how much you can take before it's totally miserable (one or two other couples?) and then have your DH express that to them. CLEARLY AND FIRMLY.

South Asian here and this is typical of someone from that culture. In that they do things in the name of the “family” without any consideration of what DIL/SIL may want or be comfortable with. And they tend to double down when it comes to “American” (white) IL’s because they know you will be more tolerant.

But keep telling OP that this is a kind and considerate thing for the in-laws to be doing, ignoring us, who actually have BTDT.

Oh brother. What "butchering?" OP has been married for 9 years and if this is the first time it has come up, the ILs have shown great restraint. I am South Asian. We don't do this type of things (family of complete introverts). However, my husband's white Catholic once threw a similar party for me. It was fine. Really. Let the grandparents show off the grandkids and her. It's for a couple hours. Some of you really have issues.

Your husband's family invited a slew of young people, who are not their own friends, to hang out with you?

Their age and DH's age.

So ultimately it was their own party, with it falling on their own shoulders, to engage with their own friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've also married into a South Asian family that would totally pull this on me. At first I tried to be accommodating but it just got worse and worse and worse.

For those who haven't been in this situation, it feels like you're being displayed as a lamb for butchering. It's absolutely horrible. It's very much an opportunity for the in laws to "show off" OP and their children.

First, decide how much you can take before it's totally miserable (one or two other couples?) and then have your DH express that to them. CLEARLY AND FIRMLY.

South Asian here and this is typical of someone from that culture. In that they do things in the name of the “family” without any consideration of what DIL/SIL may want or be comfortable with. And they tend to double down when it comes to “American” (white) IL’s because they know you will be more tolerant.

But keep telling OP that this is a kind and considerate thing for the in-laws to be doing, ignoring us, who actually have BTDT.

Oh brother. What "butchering?" OP has been married for 9 years and if this is the first time it has come up, the ILs have shown great restraint. I am South Asian. We don't do this type of things (family of complete introverts). However, my husband's white Catholic once threw a similar party for me. It was fine. Really. Let the grandparents show off the grandkids and her. It's for a couple hours. Some of you really have issues.

+1 million. Stop trying to turn this into a white vs. South Asian thread. I'm also South Asian and my parents never throw parties--they are shy. It's not a monolithic culture. OP is an introvert, and parties can be torture for introverts. But for extroverts, the biggest compliment they can throw you is to provide a party because they love parties.

It's a compliment if they do something they love to do even after you asked them not to?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've also married into a South Asian family that would totally pull this on me. At first I tried to be accommodating but it just got worse and worse and worse.

For those who haven't been in this situation, it feels like you're being displayed as a lamb for butchering. It's absolutely horrible. It's very much an opportunity for the in laws to "show off" OP and their children.

First, decide how much you can take before it's totally miserable (one or two other couples?) and then have your DH express that to them. CLEARLY AND FIRMLY.

South Asian here and this is typical of someone from that culture. In that they do things in the name of the “family” without any consideration of what DIL/SIL may want or be comfortable with. And they tend to double down when it comes to “American” (white) IL’s because they know you will be more tolerant.

But keep telling OP that this is a kind and considerate thing for the in-laws to be doing, ignoring us, who actually have BTDT.

Oh brother. What "butchering?" OP has been married for 9 years and if this is the first time it has come up, the ILs have shown great restraint. I am South Asian. We don't do this type of things (family of complete introverts). However, my husband's white Catholic once threw a similar party for me. It was fine. Really. Let the grandparents show off the grandkids and her. It's for a couple hours. Some of you really have issues.

+1 million. Stop trying to turn this into a white vs. South Asian thread. I'm also South Asian and my parents never throw parties--they are shy. It's not a monolithic culture. OP is an introvert, and parties can be torture for introverts. But for extroverts, the biggest compliment they can throw you is to provide a party because they love parties.

It's a compliment if they do something they love to do even after you asked them not to?

People love people the way they want to be loved. I'm guessing introverted OP has not articulated her dislike strongly, and her party animal in-laws have the mindset of "who wouldn't want to meet my awesome friends and eat yummy food."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've also married into a South Asian family that would totally pull this on me. At first I tried to be accommodating but it just got worse and worse and worse.

For those who haven't been in this situation, it feels like you're being displayed as a lamb for butchering. It's absolutely horrible. It's very much an opportunity for the in laws to "show off" OP and their children.

First, decide how much you can take before it's totally miserable (one or two other couples?) and then have your DH express that to them. CLEARLY AND FIRMLY.

South Asian here and this is typical of someone from that culture. In that they do things in the name of the “family” without any consideration of what DIL/SIL may want or be comfortable with. And they tend to double down when it comes to “American” (white) IL’s because they know you will be more tolerant.

But keep telling OP that this is a kind and considerate thing for the in-laws to be doing, ignoring us, who actually have BTDT.

Oh brother. What "butchering?" OP has been married for 9 years and if this is the first time it has come up, the ILs have shown great restraint. I am South Asian. We don't do this type of things (family of complete introverts). However, my husband's white Catholic once threw a similar party for me. It was fine. Really. Let the grandparents show off the grandkids and her. It's for a couple hours. Some of you really have issues.

+1 million. Stop trying to turn this into a white vs. South Asian thread. I'm also South Asian and my parents never throw parties--they are shy. It's not a monolithic culture. OP is an introvert, and parties can be torture for introverts. But for extroverts, the biggest compliment they can throw you is to provide a party because they love parties.

It's a compliment if they do something they love to do even after you asked them not to?

People love people the way they want to be loved. I'm guessing introverted OP has not articulated her dislike strongly, and her party animal in-laws have the mindset of "who wouldn't want to meet my awesome friends and eat yummy food."

Except the guests are not even IL’s friends. And not everyone thinks south Asian food is yummy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've also married into a South Asian family that would totally pull this on me. At first I tried to be accommodating but it just got worse and worse and worse.

For those who haven't been in this situation, it feels like you're being displayed as a lamb for butchering. It's absolutely horrible. It's very much an opportunity for the in laws to "show off" OP and their children.

First, decide how much you can take before it's totally miserable (one or two other couples?) and then have your DH express that to them. CLEARLY AND FIRMLY.

South Asian here and this is typical of someone from that culture. In that they do things in the name of the “family” without any consideration of what DIL/SIL may want or be comfortable with. And they tend to double down when it comes to “American” (white) IL’s because they know you will be more tolerant.

But keep telling OP that this is a kind and considerate thing for the in-laws to be doing, ignoring us, who actually have BTDT.

Oh brother. What "butchering?" OP has been married for 9 years and if this is the first time it has come up, the ILs have shown great restraint. I am South Asian. We don't do this type of things (family of complete introverts). However, my husband's white Catholic once threw a similar party for me. It was fine. Really. Let the grandparents show off the grandkids and her. It's for a couple hours. Some of you really have issues.

+1 million. Stop trying to turn this into a white vs. South Asian thread. I'm also South Asian and my parents never throw parties--they are shy. It's not a monolithic culture. OP is an introvert, and parties can be torture for introverts. But for extroverts, the biggest compliment they can throw you is to provide a party because they love parties.

It's a compliment if they do something they love to do even after you asked them not to?

People love people the way they want to be loved. I'm guessing introverted OP has not articulated her dislike strongly, and her party animal in-laws have the mindset of "who wouldn't want to meet my awesome friends and eat yummy food."

Ah so as long as we read in the fact that OP asking them not to do this was not "strongly articulated" they aren't being self-serving here got it

[Anonymous]

I am pp who replied on first page that you say thanks, what a nice thing and go with the flow. I can't believe this has evolved into some ethnic dispute. I am from Eastern Europe and my family does something very similar, sure not with DH's childhood friends, as he is American, but they will have me visit and have family visit us non stop and throw a party maybe. I honestly wish they would just make it into one big party rather than non stop parade, so I know why I said to just be positive. My DH's family will do the same, CO family, non stop and a party and dinners, also with mostly friends and family. This is clearly a custom in many part of US and parts of the world. So, yes, I understand what a hassle it is, but hey, everything is better with a smile and a nice attitude.

[Anonymous]

OP, perhaps you should follow your DH’s lead and find yourself busy.