My son is about to marry a blonde

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is a good example of how little Americans understand Asian culture or any other cultures in that matter.

It's all about I. I think OPs wife isn't totally in the wrong. Look at all the viciousness in the thread. Cutting her off from grandchildren etc.

No, OP's wife is totally in the wrong. According to OP, the son's fiance is a nice, educated person and he has no objection to her other than her race. But not attending your only child's wedding is the nuclear option--don't do it unless you are ready for the fallout.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is a good example of how little Americans understand Asian culture or any other cultures in that matter.

His DIL isn't Asian, she's American.

If anything, this thread is actually a good example of how little Asians understand the American culture, since OP seems to think she's just going to sweep everything under the rug and forgive these people for being so offensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's very typical of Asian parents to give huge amount of savings to their children. The flip side is that they expect total respect and obedience in return. It's a form of control.

At this point, OP sounds like he's trying to buy his son's good grace. Your son either loves you or he doesn't. Any relationship built on guilt or obligations is not a healthy one.

You are half right - first half.

Exactly! I'm Chinese and my parents have given us a very generous gift unconditionally. It's not a matter of control, it's a matter of how Asians view the tight knit family structure, which has its pros and cons. In China (and I know of some instances of Chinese immigrants here in the U.S.), it is absolutely normal for kids to live with their parents in the same quarters in perpetuity even when married. It's just how their culture views the familial relationship as if they are stuck to their hip. Many Chinese parents put their children's well-being well ahead of their own empty nest lives too.

The money always comes with strings attached, always. Of course the parents put their children's well-being ahead of their own, that's what they tell the children and themselves. But the children are only supposed to live life within narrow confines of what the parents find acceptable. B/c they give the children so much, they also feel entitled to tell the (adult) children how to live their lives. Asian parents are the most meddle-some parents. Just look at the OP's wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is a good example of how little Americans understand Asian culture or any other cultures in that matter.

Oh please, I am actually from Asia, and you don't have to take crap from family because it's the "culture."

You think it's ok to disown parents because they didn't agree with your choice of life partner?

OP's wife doesn't just "not agree" with the son's choice of life partner. She's intentionally boycotting the wedding and forbidding her husband from attending. If anything, she's the one doing the disowning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are some gaps in your story. How is he done with his medical residency at 26?

Quite a few Asians skip the junior and senior year in HS to attend college early. They also attend summer school in college to finish early to start medical school and then residency. The reason for that is because it takes such a long time to become a doctor so it is rare but not uncommon to finish residency at 26 or 27

[Anonymous]

She's only 22, so it could be years before she has kids and maybe they won't have kids...and who's to say they want to move back to Great Falls. Good chance they either don't have kids, or they have kids and just dont' bring them around OP and his wife and cut them off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a first generation Asian. I think OP is doing the best he could under these circumstances. His wife is his wife and he has to respect her position even if he disagrees.

The fact that OP is financially generous (50K for honeymoon and a house in the future) means a lot. That's really helpful for a young couple. I'm sure that his wife knows about this. If she was really dead set against the fiancee, then she would've been looking to disinherit the son and OP wouldn't have been able to send the money. So the wife's angry and disappointed but she will eventually get over it. Asian parents act tough but show that they still love their children with their actions.

In Asian families, it's always easier to ask forgiveness than permission. But that usually comes with a period of adjustment where everyone is pissed off at each other while a new normal is being established. Once a new normal is established, people will do what they need to do in order to accept it because family is important. OP's wife will eventually accept her new DIL because the DIL is a permanent fixture in her son's life.

You are making the same mistake as all OP's other enablers - looking at this solely from the point of view of "his wife will one day accept her DIL." But what about the DIL? And the son? Are you just assuming they'll be fine with it? Because in the son, or DIL's situation, I certainly would not be likely to foster a close relationship, or make it easy for her (or OP) to see the grandkids once she "comes around."

This is, of course, if you need a practical reason. For most people, the fact that the wife is staking out a blatantly racist position would be enough for them to say, "I know you're my wife, but that's racist and I'm not going along. I hope you'll join me at the wedding."

So, are you saying that Asian culture requires acceptance of racism by one spouse if the other spouts it off? If that's the case, it doesn;t speak very well of those cultures.

PP here. The wife's not racist- last time I checked, Vietnamese is not a race. She wants a Vietnamese DIL which means she would be equally unhappy with a DIL who is Chinese, Korean. Thai, etc. She wants to make sure that her heritage traditions (language, food, etc) are passed on and it's easier if the DIL is also Vietnamese. It's like wanting a SIL/DIL from the same religious background.

I'm a Chinese-American married to a Korean-American. Both of our parents reacted the same way that OP's wife did and for the same reasons. It was a pretty tense for awhile. But once it became clear that our relationship wasn't going anywhere and that parental disapproval wasn't going to change anything, they gave up and accepted the new normal.

Dh and I married after 3.5 years of dating . After one year of dating, we made it clear to both our parents that this is was a serious relationship. Our parents spent most of year 2 angry, disappointed, and wasn't shy about letting us know. We ignored them. During year 3, they were disappointed but resigned and stopped fighting with us about it. By the end of year 3, they were resigned to not having a DIL/SIL from the same ethnic background. And they began asking us about our marriage plans since we had been dating for "so long." Always easier to ask forgiveness than permission.

Would it have been ideal if dh and I didn't have to deal with this? Sure but people, including parents, aren't perfect and some things take time.

[Anonymous]

Why are you 2 even here? You wanted a Vietnamese speaking daughter-in-law, then why not stay in Vietnam. Better chances there. Now I'd like to hear from the blonde's family about their blond marrying your son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a first generation Asian. I think OP is doing the best he could under these circumstances. His wife is his wife and he has to respect her position even if he disagrees.

The fact that OP is financially generous (50K for honeymoon and a house in the future) means a lot. That's really helpful for a young couple. I'm sure that his wife knows about this. If she was really dead set against the fiancee, then she would've been looking to disinherit the son and OP wouldn't have been able to send the money. So the wife's angry and disappointed but she will eventually get over it. Asian parents act tough but show that they still love their children with their actions.

In Asian families, it's always easier to ask forgiveness than permission. But that usually comes with a period of adjustment where everyone is pissed off at each other while a new normal is being established. Once a new normal is established, people will do what they need to do in order to accept it because family is important. OP's wife will eventually accept her new DIL because the DIL is a permanent fixture in her son's life.

You are making the same mistake as all OP's other enablers - looking at this solely from the point of view of "his wife will one day accept her DIL." But what about the DIL? And the son? Are you just assuming they'll be fine with it? Because in the son, or DIL's situation, I certainly would not be likely to foster a close relationship, or make it easy for her (or OP) to see the grandkids once she "comes around."

This is, of course, if you need a practical reason. For most people, the fact that the wife is staking out a blatantly racist position would be enough for them to say, "I know you're my wife, but that's racist and I'm not going along. I hope you'll join me at the wedding."

So, are you saying that Asian culture requires acceptance of racism by one spouse if the other spouts it off? If that's the case, it doesn;t speak very well of those cultures.

PP here. The wife's not racist- last time I checked, Vietnamese is not a race. She wants a Vietnamese DIL which means she would be equally unhappy with a DIL who is Chinese, Korean. Thai, etc. She wants to make sure that her heritage traditions (language, food, etc) are passed on and it's easier if the DIL is also Vietnamese. It's like wanting a SIL/DIL from the same religious background.

I'm a Chinese-American married to a Korean-American. Both of our parents reacted the same way that OP's wife did and for the same reasons. It was a pretty tense for awhile. But once it became clear that our relationship wasn't going anywhere and that parental disapproval wasn't going to change anything, they gave up and accepted the new normal.

Dh and I married after 3.5 years of dating . After one year of dating, we made it clear to both our parents that this is was a serious relationship. Our parents spent most of year 2 angry, disappointed, and wasn't shy about letting us know. We ignored them. During year 3, they were disappointed but resigned and stopped fighting with us about it. By the end of year 3, they were resigned to not having a DIL/SIL from the same ethnic background. And they began asking us about our marriage plans since we had been dating for "so long." Always easier to ask forgiveness than permission.

Would it have been ideal if dh and I didn't have to deal with this? Sure but people, including parents, aren't perfect and some things take time.

Yes, Hallelujah! Although I've known some type of parents like PP's who would have resented it even more or would have taken a longer time to adjust if the IL was a SE or South Asian with darker skin tone or black. Now that's racist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a first generation Asian. I think OP is doing the best he could under these circumstances. His wife is his wife and he has to respect her position even if he disagrees.

The fact that OP is financially generous (50K for honeymoon and a house in the future) means a lot. That's really helpful for a young couple. I'm sure that his wife knows about this. If she was really dead set against the fiancee, then she would've been looking to disinherit the son and OP wouldn't have been able to send the money. So the wife's angry and disappointed but she will eventually get over it. Asian parents act tough but show that they still love their children with their actions.

In Asian families, it's always easier to ask forgiveness than permission. But that usually comes with a period of adjustment where everyone is pissed off at each other while a new normal is being established. Once a new normal is established, people will do what they need to do in order to accept it because family is important. OP's wife will eventually accept her new DIL because the DIL is a permanent fixture in her son's life.

You are making the same mistake as all OP's other enablers - looking at this solely from the point of view of "his wife will one day accept her DIL." But what about the DIL? And the son? Are you just assuming they'll be fine with it? Because in the son, or DIL's situation, I certainly would not be likely to foster a close relationship, or make it easy for her (or OP) to see the grandkids once she "comes around."

This is, of course, if you need a practical reason. For most people, the fact that the wife is staking out a blatantly racist position would be enough for them to say, "I know you're my wife, but that's racist and I'm not going along. I hope you'll join me at the wedding."

So, are you saying that Asian culture requires acceptance of racism by one spouse if the other spouts it off? If that's the case, it doesn;t speak very well of those cultures.

PP here. The wife's not racist- last time I checked, Vietnamese is not a race. She wants a Vietnamese DIL which means she would be equally unhappy with a DIL who is Chinese, Korean. Thai, etc. She wants to make sure that her heritage traditions (language, food, etc) are passed on and it's easier if the DIL is also Vietnamese. It's like wanting a SIL/DIL from the same religious background.

I'm a Chinese-American married to a Korean-American. Both of our parents reacted the same way that OP's wife did and for the same reasons. It was a pretty tense for awhile. But once it became clear that our relationship wasn't going anywhere and that parental disapproval wasn't going to change anything, they gave up and accepted the new normal.

Dh and I married after 3.5 years of dating . After one year of dating, we made it clear to both our parents that this is was a serious relationship. Our parents spent most of year 2 angry, disappointed, and wasn't shy about letting us know. We ignored them. During year 3, they were disappointed but resigned and stopped fighting with us about it. By the end of year 3, they were resigned to not having a DIL/SIL from the same ethnic background. And they began asking us about our marriage plans since we had been dating for "so long." Always easier to ask forgiveness than permission.

Would it have been ideal if dh and I didn't have to deal with this? Sure but people, including parents, aren't perfect and some things take time.

This can't be for real. "She wants a Vietnamese DIL which means she would be equally unhappy with a DIL who is Chinese, Korean. Thai,". The guy knows his wife and makes sure to mention that the young woman is blond. As long as we are all guessing here, I'm guessing she is Vietnamese blond.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are some gaps in your story. How is he done with his medical residency at 26?

Quite a few Asians skip the junior and senior year in HS to attend college early. They also attend summer school in college to finish early to start medical school and then residency. The reason for that is because it takes such a long time to become a doctor so it is rare but not uncommon to finish residency at 26 or 27

College at 16, finish in 3 years- 19

Med school at 19, finish in 4 years- 23

Residency for family/internal/sometimes emergency medicine- all 3 years

Finish residency at 26

[Anonymous]

This blonde thinks your wife should go jump. I do not envy the fiancée having to deal with such a controlling MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a first generation Asian. I think OP is doing the best he could under these circumstances. His wife is his wife and he has to respect her position even if he disagrees.

The fact that OP is financially generous (50K for honeymoon and a house in the future) means a lot. That's really helpful for a young couple. I'm sure that his wife knows about this. If she was really dead set against the fiancee, then she would've been looking to disinherit the son and OP wouldn't have been able to send the money. So the wife's angry and disappointed but she will eventually get over it. Asian parents act tough but show that they still love their children with their actions.

In Asian families, it's always easier to ask forgiveness than permission. But that usually comes with a period of adjustment where everyone is pissed off at each other while a new normal is being established. Once a new normal is established, people will do what they need to do in order to accept it because family is important. OP's wife will eventually accept her new DIL because the DIL is a permanent fixture in her son's life.

You are making the same mistake as all OP's other enablers - looking at this solely from the point of view of "his wife will one day accept her DIL." But what about the DIL? And the son? Are you just assuming they'll be fine with it? Because in the son, or DIL's situation, I certainly would not be likely to foster a close relationship, or make it easy for her (or OP) to see the grandkids once she "comes around."

This is, of course, if you need a practical reason. For most people, the fact that the wife is staking out a blatantly racist position would be enough for them to say, "I know you're my wife, but that's racist and I'm not going along. I hope you'll join me at the wedding."

So, are you saying that Asian culture requires acceptance of racism by one spouse if the other spouts it off? If that's the case, it doesn;t speak very well of those cultures.

PP here. The wife's not racist- last time I checked, Vietnamese is not a race. She wants a Vietnamese DIL which means she would be equally unhappy with a DIL who is Chinese, Korean. Thai, etc. She wants to make sure that her heritage traditions (language, food, etc) are passed on and it's easier if the DIL is also Vietnamese. It's like wanting a SIL/DIL from the same religious background.

I'm a Chinese-American married to a Korean-American. Both of our parents reacted the same way that OP's wife did and for the same reasons. It was a pretty tense for awhile. But once it became clear that our relationship wasn't going anywhere and that parental disapproval wasn't going to change anything, they gave up and accepted the new normal.

Dh and I married after 3.5 years of dating . After one year of dating, we made it clear to both our parents that this is was a serious relationship. Our parents spent most of year 2 angry, disappointed, and wasn't shy about letting us know. We ignored them. During year 3, they were disappointed but resigned and stopped fighting with us about it. By the end of year 3, they were resigned to not having a DIL/SIL from the same ethnic background. And they began asking us about our marriage plans since we had been dating for "so long." Always easier to ask forgiveness than permission.

Would it have been ideal if dh and I didn't have to deal with this? Sure but people, including parents, aren't perfect and some things take time.

This can't be for real. "She wants a Vietnamese DIL which means she would be equally unhappy with a DIL who is Chinese, Korean. Thai,". The guy knows his wife and makes sure to mention that the young woman is blond. As long as we are all guessing here, I'm guessing she is Vietnamese blond.

I'm interpreting OP's statement to mean that his future DIL is clearly not Vietnamese when his wife wants a DIL who can speak Vietnamese- so someone who is ethnically Vietnamese. His wife wants a DIL from the same ethnic background because it makes it easier to connect as a family, to pass on traditions, etc. That's very common among immigrants of any racial or ethnic backgrounds.

If OP said that his wife was opposed to the fiancee because she was white, black, mixed, etc, then she would be racist. If the son managed to find a white woman who spoke fluent Vietnamese and OP's wife was still opposed, then she would be racist.

But wanting your children to marry someone of same ethnic (meaning cultural) background is not racist. Race =/= ethnicity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a first generation Asian. I think OP is doing the best he could under these circumstances. His wife is his wife and he has to respect her position even if he disagrees.

The fact that OP is financially generous (50K for honeymoon and a house in the future) means a lot. That's really helpful for a young couple. I'm sure that his wife knows about this. If she was really dead set against the fiancee, then she would've been looking to disinherit the son and OP wouldn't have been able to send the money. So the wife's angry and disappointed but she will eventually get over it. Asian parents act tough but show that they still love their children with their actions.

In Asian families, it's always easier to ask forgiveness than permission. But that usually comes with a period of adjustment where everyone is pissed off at each other while a new normal is being established. Once a new normal is established, people will do what they need to do in order to accept it because family is important. OP's wife will eventually accept her new DIL because the DIL is a permanent fixture in her son's life.

You are making the same mistake as all OP's other enablers - looking at this solely from the point of view of "his wife will one day accept her DIL." But what about the DIL? And the son? Are you just assuming they'll be fine with it? Because in the son, or DIL's situation, I certainly would not be likely to foster a close relationship, or make it easy for her (or OP) to see the grandkids once she "comes around."

This is, of course, if you need a practical reason. For most people, the fact that the wife is staking out a blatantly racist position would be enough for them to say, "I know you're my wife, but that's racist and I'm not going along. I hope you'll join me at the wedding."

So, are you saying that Asian culture requires acceptance of racism by one spouse if the other spouts it off? If that's the case, it doesn;t speak very well of those cultures.

PP here. The wife's not racist- last time I checked, Vietnamese is not a race. She wants a Vietnamese DIL which means she would be equally unhappy with a DIL who is Chinese, Korean. Thai, etc. She wants to make sure that her heritage traditions (language, food, etc) are passed on and it's easier if the DIL is also Vietnamese. It's like wanting a SIL/DIL from the same religious background.

I'm a Chinese-American married to a Korean-American. Both of our parents reacted the same way that OP's wife did and for the same reasons. It was a pretty tense for awhile. But once it became clear that our relationship wasn't going anywhere and that parental disapproval wasn't going to change anything, they gave up and accepted the new normal.

Dh and I married after 3.5 years of dating . After one year of dating, we made it clear to both our parents that this is was a serious relationship. Our parents spent most of year 2 angry, disappointed, and wasn't shy about letting us know. We ignored them. During year 3, they were disappointed but resigned and stopped fighting with us about it. By the end of year 3, they were resigned to not having a DIL/SIL from the same ethnic background. And they began asking us about our marriage plans since we had been dating for "so long." Always easier to ask forgiveness than permission.

Would it have been ideal if dh and I didn't have to deal with this? Sure but people, including parents, aren't perfect and some things take time.

First, you are being pedantic - the mother is refusing to attend the wedding because of the ethnic background of the fiancée. So substitute that for racism, and . . . Second, I notice you didn't answer the question. In fact, you threw a lot of extraneous fluff out there to distract from the fact that you didn't; answer it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a first generation Asian. I think OP is doing the best he could under these circumstances. His wife is his wife and he has to respect her position even if he disagrees.

The fact that OP is financially generous (50K for honeymoon and a house in the future) means a lot. That's really helpful for a young couple. I'm sure that his wife knows about this. If she was really dead set against the fiancee, then she would've been looking to disinherit the son and OP wouldn't have been able to send the money. So the wife's angry and disappointed but she will eventually get over it. Asian parents act tough but show that they still love their children with their actions.

In Asian families, it's always easier to ask forgiveness than permission. But that usually comes with a period of adjustment where everyone is pissed off at each other while a new normal is being established. Once a new normal is established, people will do what they need to do in order to accept it because family is important. OP's wife will eventually accept her new DIL because the DIL is a permanent fixture in her son's life.

I think the difference between western and eastern culture is, western culture is very individualistic. All about me first, everyone comes after that. Eastern cultures are about family first, and extends to the ILs as well. As in, ILs become close relatives and friends after marriage. The difference in cultures is real and I can understand why OPs wife wanted a Vietnamese DIL. It's easier to relate. Simple as that. OP and his wife probably made numerous sacrifices ( Asian parents go overboard with this!) immigrating to a new country and raising this kid to be a doctor. The least he could have done was given them enough notice about who he was marrying, intro'd her to the family before marrying. I am actually angrier at him than OP or his wife.they wouldn't have taken it well but it wouldn't be a total shock to them at least. OP you have no reason to feel guilty. You are doing above and beyond for this ungrateful kid you raised. Try to ease your wife's mind. I like that you are a supportive husband while being a great father. Ease your DIL into your family and it will all work out.

Let's talk about those in laws for a minute, because OP's son is about to gain in laws. How do you think they are going to react to the branch of the family that has shunned their daughter? Who do you think will have greater access to the married couple and their eventual children? Who do you think will be whispering words of caution (understandably) in the ears of the DIL after the birth of their first child when it comes to opening up to the parents who shunned her because of her race?

OP if you want to practice family first, consider the entire family that is about to be created in this marriage, and your place in it. You are making a serious mistake assuming that all will be forgiven by your DIL upon the future birth of your grandchild. This will be your ONLY opportunity for grandchildren and you are throwing away your chance at a relationship by not putting your foot down about attending this wedding.