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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I'm a first generation Asian. I think OP is doing the best he could under these circumstances. [b]His wife is his wife and he has to respect her position even if he disagrees[/b].

The fact that OP is financially generous (50K for honeymoon and a house in the future) means a lot. That's really helpful for a young couple. I'm sure that his wife knows about this. If she was really dead set against the fiancee, then she would've been looking to disinherit the son and OP wouldn't have been able to send the money. So the wife's angry and disappointed but she will eventually get over it. Asian parents act tough but show that they still love their children with their actions.

In Asian families, it's always easier to ask forgiveness than permission. But that usually comes with a period of adjustment where everyone is pissed off at each other while a new normal is being established. Once a new normal is established, people will do what they need to do in order to accept it because family is important. OP's wife will eventually accept her new DIL because the DIL is a permanent fixture in her son's life. 
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You are making the same mistake as all OP's other enablers - looking at this solely from the point of view of "his wife will one day accept her DIL."  But what about the DIL?  And the son?  Are you just assuming they'll be fine with it?  Because in the son, or DIL's situation, I certainly would not be likely to foster a close relationship, or make it easy for her (or OP) to see the grandkids once she "comes around."

This is, of course, if you need a practical reason.  For most people, the fact that the wife is staking out a blatantly racist position would be enough for them to say, "I know you're my wife, but that's racist and I'm not going along.  I hope you'll join me at the wedding."

So, are you saying that Asian culture requires acceptance of racism by one spouse if the other spouts it off?  If that's the case, it doesn;t speak very well of those cultures.  [/quote]

PP here. The wife's not racist- last time I checked, Vietnamese is not a race. She wants a Vietnamese DIL which means she would be equally unhappy with a DIL who is Chinese, Korean. Thai, etc. She wants to make sure that her heritage traditions (language, food, etc) are passed on and it's easier if the DIL is also Vietnamese. It's like wanting a SIL/DIL from the same religious background.

I'm a Chinese-American married to a Korean-American. Both of our parents reacted the same way that OP's wife did and for the same reasons. It was a pretty tense for awhile. But once it became clear that our relationship wasn't going anywhere and that parental disapproval wasn't going to change anything, they gave up and accepted the new normal.

Dh and I  married after 3.5 years of dating . After one year of dating, we made it clear to both our parents that this is was a serious relationship. Our parents spent most of year 2 angry, disappointed, and wasn't shy about letting us know. We ignored them. During year 3, they were disappointed but resigned and stopped fighting with us about it. By the end of year 3, they were resigned to not having a DIL/SIL from the same ethnic background. And they began asking us about our marriage plans since we had been dating for "so long."  :lol: Always easier to ask forgiveness than permission.

Would it have been ideal if dh and I didn't have to deal with this? Sure but people, including parents, aren't perfect and some things take time. 
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This can't be for real. "She wants a Vietnamese DIL which means she would be equally unhappy with a DIL who is Chinese, Korean. Thai,". The guy knows his wife and makes sure to mention that the young woman is blond. As long as we are all guessing here, I'm guessing she is Vietnamese blond.[/quote]

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