My son is about to marry a blonde

[Anonymous]

I call troll on this whole thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is a good example of how little Americans understand Asian culture or any other cultures in that matter.

Actually it's a thread about how one Asian man doesn't understand the American culture in which he lives and in which his son was raised.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is a good example of how little Americans understand Asian culture or any other cultures in that matter.

I, for one, understand it fine. I just think it's crap.

And frankly, it's the mother, and the OP, who don't understand American culture. You know little things like acceptance, tolerance, and judging people for who they are, but because they are (or, in this case, aren't) of a particular ethnicity.

[Anonymous]

OP, can you clarify this:

1) If the white girlfriend spoke Vietnamese, and somehow knew the Vietnamese cultural traditions, would your wife be accepting of her?

2) If the white girlfriend spoke Vietnamese, didn't know the cultural traditions but was open to them, would your wife be accepting of her?

3) If the girlfriend was not Vietnamese, but was Asian, would that be ok, or would she need to know Vietnamese also?

I'd like to figure out if it's race and culture, just race, or just language that bothers your wife most.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a first generation Asian. I think OP is doing the best he could under these circumstances. His wife is his wife and he has to respect her position even if he disagrees.

The fact that OP is financially generous (50K for honeymoon and a house in the future) means a lot. That's really helpful for a young couple. I'm sure that his wife knows about this. If she was really dead set against the fiancee, then she would've been looking to disinherit the son and OP wouldn't have been able to send the money. So the wife's angry and disappointed but she will eventually get over it. Asian parents act tough but show that they still love their children with their actions.

In Asian families, it's always easier to ask forgiveness than permission. But that usually comes with a period of adjustment where everyone is pissed off at each other while a new normal is being established. Once a new normal is established, people will do what they need to do in order to accept it because family is important. OP's wife will eventually accept her new DIL because the DIL is a permanent fixture in her son's life.

You are making the same mistake as all OP's other enablers - looking at this solely from the point of view of "his wife will one day accept her DIL." But what about the DIL? And the son? Are you just assuming they'll be fine with it? Because in the son, or DIL's situation, I certainly would not be likely to foster a close relationship, or make it easy for her (or OP) to see the grandkids once she "comes around."

This is, of course, if you need a practical reason. For most people, the fact that the wife is staking out a blatantly racist position would be enough for them to say, "I know you're my wife, but that's racist and I'm not going along. I hope you'll join me at the wedding."

So, are you saying that Asian culture requires acceptance of racism by one spouse if the other spouts it off? If that's the case, it doesn;t speak very well of those cultures.

PP here. The wife's not racist- last time I checked, Vietnamese is not a race. She wants a Vietnamese DIL which means she would be equally unhappy with a DIL who is Chinese, Korean. Thai, etc. She wants to make sure that her heritage traditions (language, food, etc) are passed on and it's easier if the DIL is also Vietnamese. It's like wanting a SIL/DIL from the same religious background.

I'm a Chinese-American married to a Korean-American. Both of our parents reacted the same way that OP's wife did and for the same reasons. It was a pretty tense for awhile. But once it became clear that our relationship wasn't going anywhere and that parental disapproval wasn't going to change anything, they gave up and accepted the new normal.

Dh and I married after 3.5 years of dating . After one year of dating, we made it clear to both our parents that this is was a serious relationship. Our parents spent most of year 2 angry, disappointed, and wasn't shy about letting us know. We ignored them. During year 3, they were disappointed but resigned and stopped fighting with us about it. By the end of year 3, they were resigned to not having a DIL/SIL from the same ethnic background. And they began asking us about our marriage plans since we had been dating for "so long." Always easier to ask forgiveness than permission.

Would it have been ideal if dh and I didn't have to deal with this? Sure but people, including parents, aren't perfect and some things take time.

This can't be for real. "She wants a Vietnamese DIL which means she would be equally unhappy with a DIL who is Chinese, Korean. Thai,". The guy knows his wife and makes sure to mention that the young woman is blond. As long as we are all guessing here, I'm guessing she is Vietnamese blond.

I'm interpreting OP's statement to mean that his future DIL is clearly not Vietnamese when his wife wants a DIL who can speak Vietnamese- so someone who is ethnically Vietnamese. His wife wants a DIL from the same ethnic background because it makes it easier to connect as a family, to pass on traditions, etc. That's very common among immigrants of any racial or ethnic backgrounds.

If OP said that his wife was opposed to the fiancee because she was white, black, mixed, etc, then she would be racist. If the son managed to find a white woman who spoke fluent Vietnamese and OP's wife was still opposed, then she would be racist.

But wanting your children to marry someone of same ethnic (meaning cultural) background is not racist. Race =/= ethnicity.

What arrant nonsense. Let's flip it, shall we - OP's now white, with deep southern roots that go back centuries. His son is marrying a first generation Vietnamese girl, and his wife is apoplectic, and refuses to attend the wedding. You see, she always dreamed of a DIL who has the same ethnic background she has - it makes it easier to connect, and to pass down traditions. It's not that the prospective DIL is Vietnamese - of course not! - it's that she ISN'T a white southerner.

You'd think that was just fine, right? Of course you wouldn't. You'd lose your chit, and call her a racist redneck - and you'd be right. This is no different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

1- I am not against the marriage. I am very happy for him and his GF. That's why I told him and his GF they should get married,
2- I can't attend the wedding if my wife is not going. As much as I am happy for my son and his wife to be, she is still my wife,
3- No, my wife and I do NOT plan to live with them when we get older. In fact, we're ready to give them the house in Great Falls so that we can move into a condo. My wife is still in shock that his wife to be is not Asians. I think she will get over it in time, I just don't know how long,
4- I was raised in a culture where parents are never wrong, even when they clearly are. As a son or daughter, you just have to accept that fact and keep trying. One day, water will be under the bridge when they see grand children, everything will be good.

I know those days will come. I just hope those days will come sooner rather than later. Right now, I am her punching bag and nothing I said matter


thank you all for sharing your thoughts

I would absolutely not count on getting to repair everything once there are kids. No way in hell would I let my kids spend time with someone that shunned me, that's insanity. I wouldn't trust you out of my sight and earshot and would tolerate short supervised visits but in no way encourage a close relationship between you and my kid.

NP. This is true. My mother, brother, and grandmother did not attend my wedding years ago. I have never spoken to them or seen them since and have a young child. They burned that bridge to the ground.

OP, GO TO YOUR SONS WEDDING, even if it means your wife threatens to leave you. You’ve got leverage. Your wife won’t give up you and your son. Regardless, you can find a new wife, you can’t replace your son or grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is a good example of how little Americans understand Asian culture or any other cultures in that matter.

Actually it's a thread about how one Asian man doesn't understand the American culture in which he lives and in which his son was raised.

Yes, of course. We are Americans, we are right and you are wrong... Thank you Mr. President.

[Anonymous]

"Regardless, you can find a new wife, you can’t replace your son or grandchildren."

That is one of the weirder comments I've ever read on DCUM. Under that mindset, of course he could replace his son! He could just go have another!

But that comment aside, OP, I do hope you go to your son's wedding.

As an aside, if I were the blonde, I'd learn Vietnamese. Not for OP's wife...for OP, and for my future DH and children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is a good example of how little Americans understand Asian culture or any other cultures in that matter.

Actually it's a thread about how one Asian man doesn't understand the American culture in which he lives and in which his son was raised.

Yes, of course. We are Americans, we are right and you are wrong... Thank you Mr. President.

Who said anything about right or wrong? It is what it is. OP and his wife are endangering their future relationship with their son, and his kids, because of their stance. No value judgments, just making an observation.

But, now that you bring it up - you seem to imply that American culture (represented by the son and his fiancée) is wrong in this situation, and Vietnamese culture (represented by OP and his wife) is correct. Why is that? Moreover, why do you believe that the son's cultural roots will give way to his parents' (i.e., that the parents will ultimately be able to have a relationship with their son and his kids, with no lasting repercussions)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
My MIL caused problems for my wedding. After the wedding we cut her out of our life. Married 22 years.

Same here. She’s never met my kids, either!

[Anonymous]

Actually I think this thread about one woman being racist, her husband not liking it, but not really doing anything to stop her, and most other Asians calling it "culture" when it's clearly racism. Why is racism ok when it's done by non-whites?

[Anonymous]

What arrant nonsense. Let's flip it, shall we - OP's now white, with deep southern roots that go back centuries. His son is marrying a first generation Vietnamese girl, and his wife is apoplectic, and refuses to attend the wedding. You see, she always dreamed of a DIL who has the same ethnic background she has - it makes it easier to connect, and to pass down traditions. It's not that the prospective DIL is Vietnamese - of course not! - it's that she ISN'T a white southerner.

You'd think that was just fine, right? Of course you wouldn't. You'd lose your chit, and call her a racist redneck - and you'd be right. This is no different.

Not the same thing. The first gen Vietnamese potential DIL, in your scenario, speaks fluent English. That means the potential DIL has demonstrated the ability to share in her potential in-laws' culture because she can speak their language. Also, by growing up in the US, she probably has some of degree of familiarity with their culture. She can connect with them linguistically and to a lesser extent, culturally. On top of that, because they live in the US, it's already guaranteed that Southern American culture (food, holidays, and most importantly, language) can passed on with far greater ease.

An equivalent scenario for your white Southerners look something like this. If the white Southerners some how ended up as racial/ethnic minorities in Vietnam. Their son brings home a Vietnamese woman who doesn't speak English and is not familiar with Southern American history/culture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you 2 even here? You wanted a Vietnamese speaking daughter-in-law, then why not stay in Vietnam. Better chances there. Now I'd like to hear from the blonde's family about their blond marrying your son.

She getting a Dr. Remember all the advice about marrying well

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What arrant nonsense. Let's flip it, shall we - OP's now white, with deep southern roots that go back centuries. His son is marrying a first generation Vietnamese girl, and his wife is apoplectic, and refuses to attend the wedding. You see, she always dreamed of a DIL who has the same ethnic background she has - it makes it easier to connect, and to pass down traditions. It's not that the prospective DIL is Vietnamese - of course not! - it's that she ISN'T a white southerner.

You'd think that was just fine, right? Of course you wouldn't. You'd lose your chit, and call her a racist redneck - and you'd be right. This is no different.

Not the same thing. The first gen Vietnamese potential DIL, in your scenario, speaks fluent English. That means the potential DIL has demonstrated the ability to share in her potential in-laws' culture because she can speak their language. Also, by growing up in the US, she probably has some of degree of familiarity with their culture. She can connect with them linguistically and to a lesser extent, culturally. On top of that, because they live in the US, it's already guaranteed that Southern American culture (food, holidays, and most importantly, language) can passed on with far greater ease.

An equivalent scenario for your white Southerners look something like this. If the white Southerners some how ended up as racial/ethnic minorities in Vietnam. Their son brings home a Vietnamese woman who doesn't speak English and is not familiar with Southern American history/culture.



The lengths to which you will go to excuse bigotry are truly astounding.

[Anonymous]

I am a first generation SE Asian, I don't agree with Asian posters citing cultural reasons as valid justification for behavior of OP's wife, here are a few things which stand out to me:

1. Why didn't the mom have a healthy, warm relationship with her only child so that he could share this with her during dating phase? She needs to think seriously about the sort of mother she has been to him.
2.As other posters pointed, why bother coming to America if Vietnamese culture and DIL is such a big deal to you?
3.i don't want to sound mean but maybe OP's wife should put herself in the shoes of her DIL's parents? They have a huge adjustment to make since their blind daughter is marrying a first generation.

Kid telling the parents a week in advance and parents not attending the wedding is a disaster on many levels. Hope parties involved are able to reflect and make amends.