My son is about to marry a blonde

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I did have a long talk to both of them, wish them nothing but happiness. I also told them that when they are ready to move back to VA, the house will be theirs. I told my DIL to be that my wife has nothing against her personally and hope she will understand. She sound sincere so I do not doubt her intention. I think I can see the grand children when the time come, hopefully. Btw, he is my only kid

And yes, I did give them a wedding gift before they left for CA. I deposited $50k in their bank account so that they can spend it on their honeymoon before starting the next chapter in their lives.

Now I just hope my wife will come around soon...

Um, what? No one needs a 50k honeymoon. You sound out of touch, and like you use money to control people.

Give OP a break, nobody said he was using the money to bribe or control. It was simply a gesture, a wedding gift.

+1

You are kind and generous, OP - and better than most ILs - of any background!

[Anonymous]

My MIL caused problems for my wedding. After the wedding we cut her out of our life. Married 22 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is a good example of how little Americans understand Asian culture or any other cultures in that matter.

Culture be damned - OP is a grown man he can go to his son's wedding if he wants to.
not allowed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's very typical of Asian parents to give huge amount of savings to their children. The flip side is that they expect total respect and obedience in return. It's a form of control.

At this point, OP sounds like he's trying to buy his son's good grace. Your son either loves you or he doesn't. Any relationship built on guilt or obligations is not a healthy one.

You are half right - first half.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is a good example of how little Americans understand Asian culture or any other cultures in that matter.

Culture be damned - OP is a grown man he can go to his son's wedding if he wants to.
not allowed

As I said...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First generation immigrant from Vietnam. Came here when I was 15 years old and my wife is also vietnamese. Living a good life in Great falls VA. Son is 26 years old and he informed my wife and I that he will get marry to his 22 years old blonde GF of one year next week. He just finished his medical residency and she just graduated with a BS degree in accounting. She is also a part time model. Before last week, I didn't even know he was even dating. The GF seems very nice and friendly.

I have some reservations about my son marry someone of a different race but I am open minded. My wife on the other hand, wanted him to marry to an Asian lady so she didn't take this very well. Her reason is that she always wanted a daughter in law who can speak vietnamese with her. My wife will not be attending the wedding and I am not allowed to attend either. She is not being reasonable.

I told my son and his GF, without telling my wife ofcourse, go ahead and get married. Have a wonderful life. You and your wife can come back when you have kids because time and grand kids will heal wound. They just left for CA this morning.

Not sure how I can convince my wife to get over this. Thoughts?

There are some gaps in your story. How is he done with his medical residency at 26?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I did have a long talk to both of them, wish them nothing but happiness. I also told them that when they are ready to move back to VA, the house will be theirs. I told my DIL to be that my wife has nothing against her personally and hope she will understand. She sound sincere so I do not doubt her intention. I think I can see the grand children when the time come, hopefully. Btw, he is my only kid

And yes, I did give them a wedding gift before they left for CA. I deposited $50k in their bank account so that they can spend it on their honeymoon before starting the next chapter in their lives.

Now I just hope my wife will come around soon...

Um, what? No one needs a 50k honeymoon. You sound out of touch, and like you use money to control people.

Give OP a break, nobody said he was using the money to bribe or control. It was simply a gesture, a wedding gift.

+1

You are kind and generous, OP - and better than most ILs - of any background!

No, he's trying to buy their love and obedience with money and houses.

Better than most ILs? Don't make me laugh. OP, show up to their wedding. As a white American woman, that would mean so much more to me than money.

[Anonymous]

Your wife won't let you go to their wedding but she doesn't care that you gave them 50k without strings attached?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's very typical of Asian parents to give huge amount of savings to their children. The flip side is that they expect total respect and obedience in return. It's a form of control.

At this point, OP sounds like he's trying to buy his son's good grace. Your son either loves you or he doesn't. Any relationship built on guilt or obligations is not a healthy one.

You are half right - first half.

Exactly! I'm Chinese and my parents have given us a very generous gift unconditionally. It's not a matter of control, it's a matter of how Asians view the tight knit family structure, which has its pros and cons. In China (and I know of some instances of Chinese immigrants here in the U.S.), it is absolutely normal for kids to live with their parents in the same quarters in perpetuity even when married. It's just how their culture views the familial relationship as if they are stuck to their hip. Many Chinese parents put their children's well-being well ahead of their own empty nest lives too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is a good example of how little Americans understand Asian culture or any other cultures in that matter.

It's all about I. I think OPs wife isn't totally in the wrong. Look at all the viciousness in the thread. Cutting her off from grandchildren etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
My MIL caused problems for my wedding. After the wedding we cut her out of our life. Married 22 years.

My parents in law were disrespectful to us too. So we moved to the other side of the world, we haven't seen them in over a decade and they've never met their grandkids.

Maybe they think the same as OP, that we'll come running when we need money. But we've already needed money, and didn't approach them, actually we could really use money now and the thought never occurred to us to ask them. We've accepted that 'his' inheritance will go somewhere else (probably donated since he's an only) just to not have people in our lives who are disrespectful. It's not worth it.

I'm sure they also thought that we'd suddenly forgive everything and sweep things under the rug once we had kids. But actually it's just strengthened our resolve because we're raising them to have particular values that clearly parents in law don't have.

I really think OP is in for a huge shock.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is a good example of how little Americans understand Asian culture or any other cultures in that matter.

Culture be damned - OP is a grown man he can go to his son's wedding if he wants to.
not allowed

As I said...

As you said what?
Last I checked from a cultural standpoint Vietnam is a traditionally patriarchal society and traditionally Vietnamese woman have limited rights and take a secondary place in the family.
So from a traditional culture standpoint his wife isn't in a position to tell the OP jack shit unless she went and got herself American-ified.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I did have a long talk to both of them, wish them nothing but happiness. I also told them that when they are ready to move back to VA, the house will be theirs. I told my DIL to be that my wife has nothing against her personally and hope she will understand. She sound sincere so I do not doubt her intention. I think I can see the grand children when the time come, hopefully. Btw, he is my only kid

And yes, I did give them a wedding gift before they left for CA. I deposited $50k in their bank account so that they can spend it on their honeymoon before starting the next chapter in their lives.

Now I just hope my wife will come around soon...

She will. May not be soon but she will. You should like a decent guy and you and your wife have done a good job raising your son. Congrats to your son and his future wife!

Wife might, but DIL may not by then.

+1

By the time his wife gets over her racist snit, the DIL and her son, who are now living on the other side of the country, might not be all that interested in having a relationship. The wife might "forgive" her son, but her son's wife might not forgive her. And even if she does, that relationship is going to be built on a history of hurt and resentment--the MIL will be walking on thin ice from day one, and not be given any benefit of the doubt if she oversteps boundaries or is critical of the DIL.

MIL better get over this sooner rather than later, AND be prepared to eat crow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is a good example of how little Americans understand Asian culture or any other cultures in that matter.

Oh please, I am actually from Asia, and you don't have to take crap from family because it's the "culture."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is a good example of how little Americans understand Asian culture or any other cultures in that matter.

Oh please, I am actually from Asia, and you don't have to take crap from family because it's the "culture."

You think it's ok to disown parents because they didn't agree with your choice of life partner?