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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I'm a first generation Asian. I think OP is doing the best he could under these circumstances. His wife is his wife and he has to respect her position even if he disagrees.

The fact that OP is financially generous (50K for honeymoon and a house in the future) means a lot. That's really helpful for a young couple. I'm sure that his wife knows about this. If she was really dead set against the fiancee, then she would've been looking to disinherit the son and OP wouldn't have been able to send the money. So the wife's angry and disappointed but she will eventually get over it. Asian parents act tough but show that they still love their children with their actions.

In Asian families, it's always easier to ask forgiveness than permission. But that usually comes with a period of adjustment where everyone is pissed off at each other while a new normal is being established. Once a new normal is established, people will do what they need to do in order to accept it because family is important. OP's wife will eventually accept her new DIL because the DIL is a permanent fixture in her son's life.

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I think the difference between western and eastern culture is,  western culture is very individualistic. All about me first, everyone comes after that. Eastern cultures are about family first,  and extends to the ILs as well. As in, ILs  become close relatives and friends after marriage. The difference in cultures is real and I can understand why OPs wife wanted a Vietnamese DIL. It's easier to relate. Simple as that. OP and his wife probably made numerous sacrifices ( Asian parents go overboard with this!) immigrating to a new country and raising this kid to be a doctor. The least he could have done was given them enough notice about who he was marrying, intro'd her to the family before marrying. I am actually angrier at him than OP or his wife.they wouldn't have taken it well but it wouldn't be a total shock to them at least.  OP you have no reason to feel guilty. You are doing above and beyond for this ungrateful kid you raised. Try to ease your wife's mind. I like that you are a supportive husband while being a great father. Ease your DIL into your family and it will all work out. [/quote]

Let's talk about those in laws for a minute, because OP's son is about to gain in laws.  How do you think they are going to react to the branch of the family that has shunned their daughter?  Who do you think will have greater access to the married couple and their eventual children?  Who do you think will be whispering words of caution (understandably) in the ears of the DIL after the birth of their first child when it comes to opening up to the parents who shunned her because of her race?

OP if you want to practice family first, consider the entire family that is about to be created in this marriage, and your place in it.  You are making a serious mistake assuming that all will be forgiven by your DIL upon the future birth of your grandchild.  This will be your ONLY opportunity for grandchildren and you are throwing away your chance at a relationship by not putting your foot down about attending this wedding.  [/quote]

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