Requests from a Sibing who is there for Elderly Parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All of this is so scary. I think the vast majority of us aren't prepared or can help care for an elderly family member. What are you supposed to do when you have a full time job?

I just had a baby and I read diatribe after diatribe from people who state that if you need help at all that you shouldn't have had children.

How much would you have to make to be able to afford to pay for childcare, save for your own retirement, save for your children's college, pay your mortgage, student loans and other bills.....while taking on the full time care of an elderly parent?

Answer: That simply is not doable for the vast majority of people.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:What if you choose a particular way, that is hard, but it's the way that is acceptable to you, but not to me. For example, a parent is refusing to accept hired help and you do it yourself. You talk to me about it. I don't offer physical help, only financial. You keep talking about how hard it is. I understand that you need to vent. I hope you don't expect that I will actually help physically.

Just WOW! Can you see that the PARENT needs help here not the sibling? I don't get the impression that the sibling is looking for someone to bathe mom, but she would LOVE you to visit regularly (not once a year), cook a meal, attend a doctor's appointment, run some errands, sit down and spend time with YOUR parent.

As a local sibling, I'm the one who handles Dr. appointments, grocery shopping, banking, making sure parent is well taken care of in assisted living, etc. Sibling visits every 6 months or so and it's infuriating that they can't be bothered to visit more often. Sibling is only a couple hours away by car. No children.

Your parent is in assisted living. Does their community offer transport to doctors appts and prepared meals? If you went away for a week or two wouldn't your parent still be cared for?

As far as banking goes, do you use automated bill pay and direct deposit for fixed expenses and income.

This response burns me up. PP is most likely the type that the OP is referring to. These types think there is an answer for everything so the one in the trenches doing the heavy lifting is obviously making it hard on themselves, naturally? Has it ever occurred to types like the PP that even if the community offers transport to doctors appointments someone has to arrange for such a thing. Plus, who will sit in with the elderly parent during the drs. appt. because a community transport worker will not so elderly mom or dad will have to process all the medical information coming their way on their own. At a minimum that is not ideal, but can actually prove dangerous. For the siblings that live far away and are unable to help the local sib just show your appreciation. It really is that simple. Offering "helpful" answers from afar is offensive.

Those transportation services only work if the individual is reasonably healthy. My MIL has dementia and I called a bunch and they said no. So, we have to drive 40 minutes to get MIL, it takes about 30 minutes to get her out the door, then drive to the doctor, appointment, drive her back, then drive home. Its a good 1/2 day activity if not all day.

What happens if your mom needs to go to the doctor, you have a stomach bug or an emergency of some kind and you can't take half a day off to take her to an appt?

Not PP, but I have to reschedule the appointment or scramble to find a friend or neighbor to help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All of this is so scary. I think the vast majority of us aren't prepared or can help care for an elderly family member. What are you supposed to do when you have a full time job?

I just had a baby and I read diatribe after diatribe from people who state that if you need help at all that you shouldn't have had children.

How much would you have to make to be able to afford to pay for childcare, save for your own retirement, save for your children's college, pay your mortgage, student loans and other bills.....while taking on the full time care of an elderly parent?

Answer: That simply is not doable for the vast majority of people.

It would take away time and money from my children. In my family money rolls downhill and goes to support the youngest generation

[Anonymous]

The sibling in the caregiving role understands that a lot of things can't be outsourced to paid help. Those things that can be are often prohibitively expensive. Non-caregiving siblings often don't understand that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:What if you choose a particular way, that is hard, but it's the way that is acceptable to you, but not to me. For example, a parent is refusing to accept hired help and you do it yourself. You talk to me about it. I don't offer physical help, only financial. You keep talking about how hard it is. I understand that you need to vent. I hope you don't expect that I will actually help physically.

Just WOW! Can you see that the PARENT needs help here not the sibling? I don't get the impression that the sibling is looking for someone to bathe mom, but she would LOVE you to visit regularly (not once a year), cook a meal, attend a doctor's appointment, run some errands, sit down and spend time with YOUR parent.

As a local sibling, I'm the one who handles Dr. appointments, grocery shopping, banking, making sure parent is well taken care of in assisted living, etc. Sibling visits every 6 months or so and it's infuriating that they can't be bothered to visit more often. Sibling is only a couple hours away by car. No children.

Your parent is in assisted living. Does their community offer transport to doctors appts and prepared meals? If you went away for a week or two wouldn't your parent still be cared for?

As far as banking goes, do you use automated bill pay and direct deposit for fixed expenses and income.

This response burns me up. PP is most likely the type that the OP is referring to. These types think there is an answer for everything so the one in the trenches doing the heavy lifting is obviously making it hard on themselves, naturally? Has it ever occurred to types like the PP that even if the community offers transport to doctors appointments someone has to arrange for such a thing. Plus, who will sit in with the elderly parent during the drs. appt. because a community transport worker will not so elderly mom or dad will have to process all the medical information coming their way on their own. At a minimum that is not ideal, but can actually prove dangerous. For the siblings that live far away and are unable to help the local sib just show your appreciation. It really is that simple. Offering "helpful" answers from afar is offensive.

Those transportation services only work if the individual is reasonably healthy. My MIL has dementia and I called a bunch and they said no. So, we have to drive 40 minutes to get MIL, it takes about 30 minutes to get her out the door, then drive to the doctor, appointment, drive her back, then drive home. Its a good 1/2 day activity if not all day.

What happens if your mom needs to go to the doctor, you have a stomach bug or an emergency of some kind and you can't take half a day off to take her to an appt?

Not PP, but I have to reschedule the appointment or scramble to find a friend or neighbor to help.

You are lucky to have friends and neighbors who would be willing to take a half day to drive your mom to a doctor's appt. Most people have a hard enough time getting a half day off for their own parents', children, spouses, appts.

If you throw out your back, blow your knee, wrench your shoulder or have some other limiting health issue you would need to have a firm back up plan in place.

[Anonymous]

I don't work and many of my neighbors are retired, so I'm lucky that I don't have to worry about my employer. That removes a lot of stress. I would probably be working if I didn't have both child care and elder care demands on me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't work and many of my neighbors are retired, so I'm lucky that I don't have to worry about my employer. That removes a lot of stress. I would probably be working if I didn't have both child care and elder care demands on me.

If you got sick, your husband would take over the care of you, your parent and the kids?

Or is your elderly parent with it enough to help out with the kids and maybe do the cooking and light cleaning? Can she drive and take care of some of the shopping?

[Anonymous]

My husband would probably take some time off from work if I got sick, or we would have his mother help. She's in her 60's and in good shape. My parent is much older and not in good health. My kids are in ES and MS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband would probably take some time off from work if I got sick, or we would have his mother help. She's in her 60's and in good shape. My parent is much older and not in good health. My kids are in ES and MS.

So your husband and your MIL would take care of you and your mom and supervise the kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The sibling in the caregiving role understands that a lot of things can't be outsourced to paid help. Those things that can be are often prohibitively expensive. Non-caregiving siblings often don't understand that.

^^^
This. If you have other siblings you need to INSIST on respite time for you. I gave up way too much time to caring for elderly parents at the expense of my children and spouse. It was not appreciated. You actually have to be there and be doing it to understand the stress involved in caring for an elderly parent, even one in assisted living or with part time staff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The sibling in the caregiving role understands that a lot of things can't be outsourced to paid help. Those things that can be are often prohibitively expensive. Non-caregiving siblings often don't understand that.

^^^
This. If you have other siblings you need to INSIST on respite time for you. I gave up way too much time to caring for elderly parents at the expense of my children and spouse. It was not appreciated. You actually have to be there and be doing it to understand the stress involved in caring for an elderly parent, even one in assisted living or with part time staff.

You want your siblings to come to your home (where there is part time staff or an assisted living facility close by) so that you can get away for a little vacation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you choose a particular way, that is hard, but it's the way that is acceptable to you, but not to me. For example, a parent is refusing to accept hired help and you do it yourself. You talk to me about it. I don't offer physical help, only financial. You keep talking about how hard it is. I understand that you need to vent. I hope you don't expect that I will actually help physically.

Just WOW! Can you see that the PARENT needs help here not the sibling? I don't get the impression that the sibling is looking for someone to bathe mom, but she would LOVE you to visit regularly (not once a year), cook a meal, attend a doctor's appointment, run some errands, sit down and spend time with YOUR parent.

As a local sibling, I'm the one who handles Dr. appointments, grocery shopping, banking, making sure parent is well taken care of in assisted living, etc. Sibling visits every 6 months or so and it's infuriating that they can't be bothered to visit more often. Sibling is only a couple hours away by car. No children.

Your parent is in assisted living. Does their community offer transport to doctors appts and prepared meals? If you went away for a week or two wouldn't your parent still be cared for?

As far as banking goes, do you use automated bill pay and direct deposit for fixed expenses and income.

This response burns me up. PP is most likely the type that the OP is referring to. These types think there is an answer for everything so the one in the trenches doing the heavy lifting is obviously making it hard on themselves, naturally? Has it ever occurred to types like the PP that even if the community offers transport to doctors appointments someone has to arrange for such a thing. Plus, who will sit in with the elderly parent during the drs. appt. because a community transport worker will not so elderly mom or dad will have to process all the medical information coming their way on their own. At a minimum that is not ideal, but can actually prove dangerous. For the siblings that live far away and are unable to help the local sib just show your appreciation. It really is that simple. Offering "helpful" answers from afar is offensive.

Those transportation services only work if the individual is reasonably healthy. My MIL has dementia and I called a bunch and they said no. So, we have to drive 40 minutes to get MIL, it takes about 30 minutes to get her out the door, then drive to the doctor, appointment, drive her back, then drive home. Its a good 1/2 day activity if not all day.

What happens if your mom needs to go to the doctor, you have a stomach bug or an emergency of some kind and you can't take half a day off to take her to an appt?

Not PP, but I have to reschedule the appointment or scramble to find a friend or neighbor to help.

NP here. Or you could be like my mom. I got her a handicapped bus pas for her rural area so she could get to the doctor. They will come to the door of her apartment complex, transport her and she can call when she is done to get picked up. The cost is something like $5 and she just needs to call ahead of time. She refuses to use it. Just won't. Wants everyone to take care of her, has completely abdicated living as an independent person and is only 74. Thinks it's NBD to rely on friends and family, like they aren't doing anything else and exist to serve her. I hate her for this. Also refused to attend a minimal cost day care center (that I would have paid for) where they would transport her to appointments, go on recreational trips, feed her, bring her back home, do activities. All she had to do was show up in the lobby of her apt building on time for the pickup. She does not have dementia. She refuses and instead sits in a recliner all day and watches TV. Now she is getting loopy from all the solitude. I have no sympathy for that kind of BS.

[Anonymous]

Also, I don't think the PP who said she was burned up should be. You just don't know until you are here. I am the away sibling and my siblings have treated me like garbage because they are angry that I live away and escape a lot of this. I am thankful, recognize their efforts, I do offer suggestions trying to be helpful (but guess I shouldn't) but they suck too. I can't change where I live and they resent me because of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you choose a particular way, that is hard, but it's the way that is acceptable to you, but not to me. For example, a parent is refusing to accept hired help and you do it yourself. You talk to me about it. I don't offer physical help, only financial. You keep talking about how hard it is. I understand that you need to vent. I hope you don't expect that I will actually help physically.

Just WOW! Can you see that the PARENT needs help here not the sibling? I don't get the impression that the sibling is looking for someone to bathe mom, but she would LOVE you to visit regularly (not once a year), cook a meal, attend a doctor's appointment, run some errands, sit down and spend time with YOUR parent.

As a local sibling, I'm the one who handles Dr. appointments, grocery shopping, banking, making sure parent is well taken care of in assisted living, etc. Sibling visits every 6 months or so and it's infuriating that they can't be bothered to visit more often. Sibling is only a couple hours away by car. No children.

Your parent is in assisted living. Does their community offer transport to doctors appts and prepared meals? If you went away for a week or two wouldn't your parent still be cared for?

As far as banking goes, do you use automated bill pay and direct deposit for fixed expenses and income.

This response burns me up. PP is most likely the type that the OP is referring to. These types think there is an answer for everything so the one in the trenches doing the heavy lifting is obviously making it hard on themselves, naturally? Has it ever occurred to types like the PP that even if the community offers transport to doctors appointments someone has to arrange for such a thing. Plus, who will sit in with the elderly parent during the drs. appt. because a community transport worker will not so elderly mom or dad will have to process all the medical information coming their way on their own. At a minimum that is not ideal, but can actually prove dangerous. For the siblings that live far away and are unable to help the local sib just show your appreciation. It really is that simple. Offering "helpful" answers from afar is offensive.

Those transportation services only work if the individual is reasonably healthy. My MIL has dementia and I called a bunch and they said no. So, we have to drive 40 minutes to get MIL, it takes about 30 minutes to get her out the door, then drive to the doctor, appointment, drive her back, then drive home. Its a good 1/2 day activity if not all day.

What happens if your mom needs to go to the doctor, you have a stomach bug or an emergency of some kind and you can't take half a day off to take her to an appt?

Not PP, but I have to reschedule the appointment or scramble to find a friend or neighbor to help.

NP here. Or you could be like my mom. I got her a handicapped bus pas for her rural area so she could get to the doctor. They will come to the door of her apartment complex, transport her and she can call when she is done to get picked up. The cost is something like $5 and she just needs to call ahead of time. She refuses to use it. Just won't. Wants everyone to take care of her, has completely abdicated living as an independent person and is only 74. Thinks it's NBD to rely on friends and family, like they aren't doing anything else and exist to serve her. I hate her for this. Also refused to attend a minimal cost day care center (that I would have paid for) where they would transport her to appointments, go on recreational trips, feed her, bring her back home, do activities. All she had to do was show up in the lobby of her apt building on time for the pickup. She does not have dementia. She refuses and instead sits in a recliner all day and watches TV. Now she is getting loopy from all the solitude. I have no sympathy for that kind of BS.

Has she always resisted going to doctors appts? Do you think that she is intimidated by using the bus system and might be more willing to try it if you would ride it a couple of times with her to help her get the hang of it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sympathies to the OP. Caring for an elderly parent is much more than driving to the doctor's, paying bills, and getting the chores done. As my mom ages her anxiety is getting worse, which is then exacerbated by some major health issue. What may seem like small issues become big to her and I'm constantly called to put out fire. It's mentally taxing.

You are one person and you have your own life to lead. If something that your mom is complaining about is truly not a big deal it is o.k. to not use your energy to put out that particular fire for her. Save your energy for the stuff that is significant.

But then she would just keep calling, with ever increasing panic. I may not take care of the issue every time, but still need to manage her and it still wears me out enormously.

My mom is the same way. And when my siblings ignore her complaints/queries, she calls me and complains that they must be angry at her. Then that becomes her anxiety/obsession du jour: what did she do to make them mad, how can she resolve the issue, etc. It is exhausting.