Not going to cheat, but need help getting over emotional infatuation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will repeat what I said earlier in the thread - she's not as innocent as you think. I can tell you think the best of people (with the exception of yourself - you're extremely hard on yourself) - but she knows what she's doing. She's sending you pictures of herself, FFS? That's highly inappropriate and she wants you to hot for her.

If it's indeed true that she's like this with everyone then she desperately wants male (sexual) attention and that's pathetic.

Does that make you look at her in a different way?

I appreciate your giving me the benefit of the doubt but the pic was funny, not sexual. Our conversations have never veered into the sexual, nor do I want them to. I blame myself for texting her.

Dude stop being obtuse. Of course she didn't send a risqué lingerie shot of herself, she's not crazy. But she intentionally sent a picture of herself (one she vetted / liked how she looked in, obviously) because she wanted you to see it and think (good things) about her. She is flirting; so are you. Let me ask you this: what did you respond to it? What was your (internal) reaction to seeing it?

You're playing with Fire, don't be an idiot. Cut this shit out now while you still can

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. It's been over a week and things have not gotten easier, probably because I'm not taking some of the good advice posted above. It took less than a day for my coworker to wonder what is wrong, asking if I was mad at her. I tried cutting her off and staying professional in email response. By mid-week I was back into the limerent stupor of wanting her attention. Over the weekend I texted her and she replied with a picture of her and a friend she was out with.

I have to see her soon, in an unavoidable situation. My goal remains to STFU about my feelings and avoid making it worse. But I fear what seeing her in person is going to be like. I expect DCUM scorn after dredging this thread up.

No scorn here but...take a step back and think about the kind of person you want to be. Think about your options here, and where you will be in 1 year if you pursue one option or the other. If you continue to let this escalate, there is a very good chance you will look back at this point where you went wrong...you knew it was getting dangerous, but you made a conscious decision to let yourself go deeper down the hole. If you guys continue down this path, there's a limited (and decreasing) number of possible outcomes: either it will develop into a full blown affair (which you've said vehemently you don't want), or one of your spouses will come across your communications and be (very) hurt, OR you'll be faced with having to try and cut things off when you've caught feelings even MORE than you have now. None of those are easy or ideal...the easiest and best solution from where you are at this point is to stop all outside contact with her. And if she reaches out to ask what's up, you need to be direct and polite in shutting it down. I'm talking "I fear our communications have begun to verge into somewhat inappropriate territory; I need to be clear that I am happily married and respect and love my wife. Going forward I think it's best that we limit our contact exclusively to work-related matters." Even if she plays dumb / acts weird about it, she knows exactly what she's doing and the message will be received.

That would be creepy and weird. Do not send that message. It also makes you a permanent hostage to a harassment complaint if she decides to make one.

Eh, I dunno. Maybe not exactly those words, but that is the message that needs to be conveyed and he seems to be failing at doing in subtly. He needs to "sober up" and make himself definitively shut the door

So I don't disagree that I need to sober up. But if I had to bet, I'd bet strongly that she has no idea I feel this way. To her this is friendship and I would probably stun her if I shared this melodrama.

[Anonymous]

I'm tired of this thread. Just sleep with her and get it over with. At least that will give us some entertainment and a new direction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's the thing...many times having an affair is not one big choice to "have an affair." It's a lot of small choices that snowball and in six months you're having an affair. Right now you're like, it's no big deal for me to email her. No big deal for me to text her. No big deal for me to email/text after work on weekends. No big deal to have lunch alone. To have a drink alone. It's no big deal for me to give a hug. To give just one kiss. NBD to talk every day. NBD to meet at this conference...go to the hotel room...etc.

It's small choices that add up. If you want it to stop, stop it now. Today. Before your mind starts justifying all your actions and you start telling yourself, it's no big deal. Before you start rewriting your marital history in order to make your actions acceptable. I've been there. All of my small choices added up to an affair and it was by far the most hurtful and destructive thing I've ever done. I would not wish that pain on anyone. Also, Not Just Friends is a very good book.

Take this advice from soneone who knows what they are talking about!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm tired of this thread. Just sleep with her and get it over with. At least that will give us some entertainment and a new direction.

Yeah. I'm about to call troll tbh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. It's been over a week and things have not gotten easier, probably because I'm not taking some of the good advice posted above. It took less than a day for my coworker to wonder what is wrong, asking if I was mad at her. I tried cutting her off and staying professional in email response. By mid-week I was back into the limerent stupor of wanting her attention. Over the weekend I texted her and she replied with a picture of her and a friend she was out with.

I have to see her soon, in an unavoidable situation. My goal remains to STFU about my feelings and avoid making it worse. But I fear what seeing her in person is going to be like. I expect DCUM scorn after dredging this thread up.

No scorn here but...take a step back and think about the kind of person you want to be. Think about your options here, and where you will be in 1 year if you pursue one option or the other. If you continue to let this escalate, there is a very good chance you will look back at this point where you went wrong...you knew it was getting dangerous, but you made a conscious decision to let yourself go deeper down the hole. If you guys continue down this path, there's a limited (and decreasing) number of possible outcomes: either it will develop into a full blown affair (which you've said vehemently you don't want), or one of your spouses will come across your communications and be (very) hurt, OR you'll be faced with having to try and cut things off when you've caught feelings even MORE than you have now. None of those are easy or ideal...the easiest and best solution from where you are at this point is to stop all outside contact with her. And if she reaches out to ask what's up, you need to be direct and polite in shutting it down. I'm talking "I fear our communications have begun to verge into somewhat inappropriate territory; I need to be clear that I am happily married and respect and love my wife. Going forward I think it's best that we limit our contact exclusively to work-related matters." Even if she plays dumb / acts weird about it, she knows exactly what she's doing and the message will be received.

I guess what I'm trying to say is...call on your higher self (not the day to day self who craves that momentary thrill/validation; the one who can look t the bigger picture and make the hard choices) to SNAP out of it. Remember this: there is a reason for the expression "if you play with fire, you wind up burned."

^ This. I'm the PP dealing with the aftermath of a friendship my spouse had with a coworker that crossed boundaries. They actually discussed "topics we aren't allowed to discuss." Can you imagine anything more scintillating than being in cahoots with the "friend" and pretending you're both on the up and up but you're really just escalating the attraction/limerance?

What I wish more than anything is that my spouse had been smart enough to put on the brakes. Actually, more than that I wish the woman had put on the brakes because women know what they're doing and men often don't. (Sorry, men.) I like the language used above. Just tell her, "I need you to respect my request to stop contacting me." And mean it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will repeat what I said earlier in the thread - she's not as innocent as you think. I can tell you think the best of people (with the exception of yourself - you're extremely hard on yourself) - but she knows what she's doing. She's sending you pictures of herself, FFS? That's highly inappropriate and she wants you to hot for her.

If it's indeed true that she's like this with everyone then she desperately wants male (sexual) attention and that's pathetic.

Does that make you look at her in a different way?

I appreciate your giving me the benefit of the doubt but the pic was funny, not sexual. Our conversations have never veered into the sexual, nor do I want them to. I blame myself for texting her.

^ PP with recent similar experience with spouse again. Her end game may not be stealing you away, but keeping your attention. My spouse's person was seriously girlfriending herself into his life, in the most "innocent" way. Offering to watch his rec sports games, commenting constantly on Facebook, stroking his ego. Don't text her again. The next time she texts you, don't respond. Better yet, block her number.

If things escalate, even if it stays "innocent," you will risk having your wife lose her trust in you and you'll be responsible for the aftermath. Trust me on this. The minute it doesn't feel right is the minute you need to cut off contact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's the thing...many times having an affair is not one big choice to "have an affair." It's a lot of small choices that snowball and in six months you're having an affair. Right now you're like, it's no big deal for me to email her. No big deal for me to text her. No big deal for me to email/text after work on weekends. No big deal to have lunch alone. To have a drink alone. It's no big deal for me to give a hug. To give just one kiss. NBD to talk every day. NBD to meet at this conference...go to the hotel room...etc.

It's small choices that add up. If you want it to stop, stop it now. Today. Before your mind starts justifying all your actions and you start telling yourself, it's no big deal. Before you start rewriting your marital history in order to make your actions acceptable. I've been there. All of my small choices added up to an affair and it was by far the most hurtful and destructive thing I've ever done. I would not wish that pain on anyone. Also, Not Just Friends is a very good book.

Take this advice from soneone who knows what they are talking about!

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

I don't think this is a troll. This is very, very common, unfortunately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I tell my husband about all my crushes.. Especially if i am hit hard... Knowing that he knows.. And trusts me not to screw up our life makes dealing with the crush easier.... And it may not seem like it now that its all consuming...but its ur minds way of keeping u entertained and giving u an adrelanie rush... So start getting the rush from something else... And don't give this crush so much secrecy, Impotance or power

Strange relationship...

Is it strange?! It keeps me in check coz i cant do anything that i will have to hide or cant discuss. But all the reactions here make it sound so unusual

Sorry...used the wrong word.... How about "abnormal" relationship? As grown ups, one is expected to manage "urges" that come along in life. No need to share witg spouse,others, etc. Are you 16?

Np here. I think it is great that she shares then with her spouse. She trusts him to trust her. Sounds healthy too me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. It's been over a week and things have not gotten easier, probably because I'm not taking some of the good advice posted above. It took less than a day for my coworker to wonder what is wrong, asking if I was mad at her. I tried cutting her off and staying professional in email response. By mid-week I was back into the limerent stupor of wanting her attention. Over the weekend I texted her[b] and she replied with a picture of her and a friend she was out with.

I have to see her soon, in an unavoidable situation. My goal remains to STFU about my feelings and avoid making it worse. But I fear what seeing her in person is going to be like. I expect DCUM scorn after dredging this thread up.

OP - you said TWICE before that you deleted her number. So how did you end up texting her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. It's been over a week and things have not gotten easier, probably because I'm not taking some of the good advice posted above. It took less than a day for my coworker to wonder what is wrong, asking if I was mad at her. I tried cutting her off and staying professional in email response. By mid-week I was back into the limerent stupor of wanting her attention. Over the weekend I texted her[b] and she replied with a picture of her and a friend she was out with.

I have to see her soon, in an unavoidable situation. My goal remains to STFU about my feelings and avoid making it worse. But I fear what seeing her in person is going to be like. I expect DCUM scorn after dredging this thread up.

OP - you said TWICE before that you deleted her number. So how did you end up texting her?

He memorized it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

^ PP with recent similar experience with spouse again. Her end game may not be stealing you away, but keeping your attention. My spouse's person was seriously girlfriending herself into his life, in the most "innocent" way. Offering to watch his rec sports games, commenting constantly on Facebook, stroking his ego.

How common is "girlfriending" behavior -- where a woman doesn't necessarily want to steal a husband away or become an AP, but simply behaving that way for attention?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

^ PP with recent similar experience with spouse again. Her end game may not be stealing you away, but keeping your attention. My spouse's person was seriously girlfriending herself into his life, in the most "innocent" way. Offering to watch his rec sports games, commenting constantly on Facebook, stroking his ego.

How common is "girlfriending" behavior -- where a woman doesn't necessarily want to steal a husband away or become an AP, but simply behaving that way for attention?

VERY common! The women who do this love male attention and get off on the affirmation that they are wanted and desired. And that's from all the men they come into contact with. Even their friends' husbands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. It's been over a week and things have not gotten easier, probably because I'm not taking some of the good advice posted above. It took less than a day for my coworker to wonder what is wrong, asking if I was mad at her. I tried cutting her off and staying professional in email response. By mid-week I was back into the limerent stupor of wanting her attention. Over the weekend I texted her[b] and she replied with a picture of her and a friend she was out with.

I have to see her soon, in an unavoidable situation. My goal remains to STFU about my feelings and avoid making it worse. But I fear what seeing her in person is going to be like. I expect DCUM scorn after dredging this thread up.

OP - you said TWICE before that you deleted her number. So how did you end up texting her?

Why do you have to see her? Is it really unavoidable? If seeing her is making you this volatile, and if you love your wife and have some self respect, then change this situation. Don't see her. Change your job if you have to. You're making excuses for yourself already.

[Anonymous]

Op. I can already see where this is heading. You keep defending this whole one sided attraction thing. You want so badly to know more. Is she attracted to you, is she flirting...etc. Trust me it isn't worth it to pursue this any longer. You know you are playing with fire and yet you continue. Pp after pp has weighed in and yet here you are again. I sense you will continue this little game with her. I hate to say it but even if she finds you attractive, I doubt she's in it long term. She wants a thrill. Go ahead and throw away your marriage for momentary gratification. You will absolutely regret it.