Not going to cheat, but need help getting over emotional infatuation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Big deal OP. News flash - most of us develop crushes on others during marriage. I fantasize about tons of women other than my wife. And I flirt too. I am married, not dead.

Yes but does flirting include texting with your crush? That's when it starts to go past "just" fantasizing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey OP -

I was in the same boat last year. Try to think about what attracts you in the first place - a lot of times it's something you want, not necessarily her. So to feel more attractive might be the thing that draws you, and your mind is just focusing on her as the way that gets accomplished. Try to have more sex at home.

That's great advice and, as a woman I'd add the angle of - refresh your wardrobe, your look, and your workout and you will own that feeling of being more attractive and not feel like somebody is giving it to you. Plus your wife will like it and it will spark things at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hey OP -

I was in the same boat last year. Try to think about what attracts you in the first place - a lot of times it's something you want, not necessarily her. So to feel more attractive might be the thing that draws you, and your mind is just focusing on her as the way that gets accomplished. Try to have more sex at home.

That's great advice and, as a woman I'd add the angle of - refresh your wardrobe, your look, and your workout and you will own that feeling of being more attractive and not feel like somebody is giving it to you. Plus your wife will like it and it will spark things at home.

Although here on DCUM, most of the women would say that if your husband starts going to the gym and wearing stylish clothes, he's cheating on you.

What about turning the focus here to your wife? Why don't you plan a fun, romantic weekend away for you guys? Maybe something like that would turn your wife into the infatuation again.

[Anonymous]

I disagree that crushes are harmless. They distract you from your spouse. BTDT and I justified it, but it weakened our marriage though neither man ever knew.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:10:32 I agree with you and am trying hard to man up, I just need to know how to get her off my mind. I'm losing weight and sanity by the week. I will not betray my wife but wish I could clear my thinking about a woman who prob does not think about me at all.

You don't need to, just re-focus that sexual energy she provides on your DW and you may find it improves thing on the home front.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I disagree that crushes are harmless. They distract you from your spouse. BTDT and I justified it, but it weakened our marriage though neither man ever knew.

Agree, not harmless. Emotional investments can be very dangerous.

[Anonymous]

I posted about this last year and got some good advice. Have you read about limerance? I was in a complicated medical situation a few years ago and fell for my doctor. It was an emotionally intense time and who knows why. I did get past it, though it negatively affected my relationship. I had contact with him last year and that put me in another tailspin. I considered medication to help get rid of obsessive thought and ultimately that helped a bit. I just have to live with it I guess. With social media and such these days it's easy to find ways to undermine the distance and space needed to get over things like this. It's tough. It happens to very successful, otherwise together people. We're all vulnerable. Try if you can to focus on what is missing that led you to be so attracted. Maybe you're in need of more effusive praise or enthusiasm from your partner. It's hard so just recognize your vulnerability is very human and do your best to live your values and find ways to be happy.

[Anonymous]

OP, same thing happened to me, but it got deeper from the perspective of us discussing hopes, dreams, things in life we wanted but didn't have, etc. The flip side is that I learned a lot of things about her that I did not find attractive - inflated sense of worth, wanted to be a SAHM and have a guy take care of her. Moral of the story: the flattery is great in terms of knowing a woman finds you attractive, but trust me, this co-worker has her own set of issues you might not particularly like.

[Anonymous]

12:04, I have not heard of limerence before so thank you for pointing that out. I'm sorry about your situation but at least you seem to have a good handle on it.

I'm currently coaching myself into not replying to any of her emails (if she sends any) when we go back to work. I have to see her in person in a few weeks (can't be avoided) and I assume that will aggravate this problem.

I could talk about her and the many things I like about her for quite a while, so I think I unintentionally or subconsciously gave everyone the impression that she's the aggressor. While she did give me praise and voluntarily told me she finds me attractive (something I've never heard before from anyone other than my wife), I also did not shut her down. I did not turn her away, and her kindness was and is something I covet. Knowing full well she's like this with a lot of people, and in fact I still think she was just being nice because maybe I'm her project sometimes. To make matters even weirder, I do really care about her. We have some things in common and we talk about them in a healthy reciprocal way. But in my mind it's gotten wrapped unto this non-productive, unrealistic crush.

As you can tell, I am several days into this near-obsessive thought process where she's on my mind way too much. I know she's not perfect, and the idea of ruining our families is a nightmare that I focus on avoiding, and will avoid, but in the meantime I'm stuck in this thought prison. Seeing her in a few days will not help.

If I avoid replying to her emails for too long she is going to ask questions about why the sudden lapse in contact, but I think I'll just have to ignore that too so as to not reveal my embarrassing, one-sided feelings. This is a huge misunderstanding that has reduced me to a 12 year old boy.

[Anonymous]

Distance and time.

This was me a while ago. I've totally forgotten the guy and feeling. I mean, I'll still see him professionally but don't feel the same way at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Distance and time.

This was me a while ago. I've totally forgotten the guy and feeling. I mean, I'll still see him professionally but don't feel the same way at all.

I believe you and can't wait to be in that spot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Distance and time.

This was me a while ago. I've totally forgotten the guy and feeling. I mean, I'll still see him professionally but don't feel the same way at all.

I believe you and can't wait to be in that spot.

You'll get there. I did try to psychoanalyze myself (ha!) and figure out what this guy had that my husband didn't and it came down to our profession. Our work lives form part of our identity and it's nice that someone understands that side of us very well. But ultimately I wouldn't give up my awesome DH for anything and I just kept reminding myself of how awful life would be for everyone if we had an affair. I couldn't look at my husband and imagine what the kids would think, and rightly so. Now I see him and I can't even understand why I was so attracted. It'll pass, give it time, focus on other stuff. And know it happens. You're married but not dead. The trick is not to think this is somehow special. It's not. It happens and you deal with it.

You're a good guy OP. Being a good guy is sometimes hard work.

[Anonymous]

PP here again. This was my thread. It eventually went off the exact topic but the beginning sounds a lot like what you've written. http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/617995.page

Despite some of the ridiculous comments, this site did help me quite a bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Distance and time.

This was me a while ago. I've totally forgotten the guy and feeling. I mean, I'll still see him professionally but don't feel the same way at all.

I believe you and can't wait to be in that spot.

You'll get there. I did try to psychoanalyze myself (ha!) and figure out what this guy had that my husband didn't and it came down to our profession. Our work lives form part of our identity and it's nice that someone understands that side of us very well. But ultimately I wouldn't give up my awesome DH for anything and I just kept reminding myself of how awful life would be for everyone if we had an affair. I couldn't look at my husband and imagine what the kids would think, and rightly so. Now I see him and I can't even understand why I was so attracted. It'll pass, give it time, focus on other stuff. And know it happens. You're married but not dead. The trick is not to think this is somehow special. It's not. It happens and you deal with it.

You're a good guy OP. Being a good guy is sometimes hard work.

Wow. I don't feel like a good guy right now since my wife is clueless about the crazy thoughts I've been having, but thank you. You and others have absolutely helped.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here again. This was my thread. It eventually went off the exact topic but the beginning sounds a lot like what you've written. http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/617995.page

Despite some of the ridiculous comments, this site did help me quite a bit.

OP here. Believe it or not I read that thread yesterday morning before I posted this one...it does sound like we have/had similar experiences. Mind if I ask, since February, have things returned to a healthy level with your coworker, and did you tell your husband about any of it? No judgment from me either way, will understand if you'd rather not re-dredge.