Not going to cheat, but need help getting over emotional infatuation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Distance and time.

This was me a while ago. I've totally forgotten the guy and feeling. I mean, I'll still see him professionally but don't feel the same way at all.

I believe you and can't wait to be in that spot.

You'll get there. I did try to psychoanalyze myself (ha!) and figure out what this guy had that my husband didn't and it came down to our profession. Our work lives form part of our identity and it's nice that someone understands that side of us very well. But ultimately I wouldn't give up my awesome DH for anything and I just kept reminding myself of how awful life would be for everyone if we had an affair. I couldn't look at my husband and imagine what the kids would think, and rightly so. Now I see him and I can't even understand why I was so attracted. It'll pass, give it time, focus on other stuff. And know it happens. You're married but not dead. The trick is not to think this is somehow special. It's not. It happens and you deal with it.

You're a good guy OP. Being a good guy is sometimes hard work.

Wow. I don't feel like a good guy right now since my wife is clueless about the crazy thoughts I've been having, but thank you. You and others have absolutely helped.

My man, all of us have this issue at some time or another in some form. I wouldn't be shocked if your wife had it and dealt with it in her own way. Your effort not to act on it without offending your co-worker is admirable. In my case, I was able to use the sexual energy provided to re-invigorate my marriage and our sex life. Everyone gets into ruts and everyone gets comfortable. It's how we deal with those situations that counts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP here again. This was my thread. It eventually went off the exact topic but the beginning sounds a lot like what you've written. http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/617995.page

Despite some of the ridiculous comments, this site did help me quite a bit.

OP here. Believe it or not I read that thread yesterday morning before I posted this one...it does sound like we have/had similar experiences. Mind if I ask, since February, have things returned to a healthy level with your coworker, and did you tell your husband about any of it? No judgment from me either way, will understand if you'd rather not re-dredge.

Yes, everything is purely professional with the coworker now. I am lucky to only have to see him once every 3-4 months. I've seen him twice since February and didn't have the same reaction at all. Last time we saw each other he told me he and his wife were expecting a baby in November. I'm happy for him and I'm even happier to have regained my sanity. I didn't mention anything to my husband because the purpose would have been to allay my guilt, which wouldn't have been fair to him; it also would have been useless to put doubts in his head; finally, if the situation were reversed, I wouldn't want to know (unless of course he WAS going to cheat, but that's a totally different scenario than this). The re-dredging is not having any effect, btw.

It really is a drug and you are going through withdrawal. Time and distance (i.e. no/minimal contact) are the answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:10:32 I agree with you and am trying hard to man up, I just need to know how to get her off my mind. I'm losing weight and sanity by the week. I will not betray my wife but wish I could clear my thinking about a woman who prob does not think about me at all.

Hey. Sorry OP, that's never fun. Sometimes giving a voice to the "bad" thoughts takes away their power - want to tell us what's going on in your mind? What's her draw?

This is very perceptive! You have bartender potential and I mean that in a nice way!

[Anonymous]

She could be your soul mate. How will you know unless you get it on with her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She could be your soul mate. How will you know unless you get it on with her?

Because my wife is mine and because this woman probably has no idea what she has done to me. Nor does this woman want to sleep with me. Thanks to good advice provided above I hope to return to normal programming soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP here again. This was my thread. It eventually went off the exact topic but the beginning sounds a lot like what you've written. http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/617995.page

Despite some of the ridiculous comments, this site did help me quite a bit.

OP here. Believe it or not I read that thread yesterday morning before I posted this one...it does sound like we have/had similar experiences. Mind if I ask, since February, have things returned to a healthy level with your coworker, and did you tell your husband about any of it? No judgment from me either way, will understand if you'd rather not re-dredge.

Yes, everything is purely professional with the coworker now. I am lucky to only have to see him once every 3-4 months. I've seen him twice since February and didn't have the same reaction at all. Last time we saw each other he told me he and his wife were expecting a baby in November. I'm happy for him and I'm even happier to have regained my sanity. I didn't mention anything to my husband because the purpose would have been to allay my guilt, which wouldn't have been fair to him; it also would have been useless to put doubts in his head; finally, if the situation were reversed, I wouldn't want to know (unless of course he WAS going to cheat, but that's a totally different scenario than this). The re-dredging is not having any effect, btw.

It really is a drug and you are going through withdrawal. Time and distance (i.e. no/minimal contact) are the answer.

Thanks for the update. Amazing to contrast your perspective here with what you were going thru in Feb. Appreciate the advice above not burdening my wife to cleanse my guilt.

[Anonymous]

OP - in your original post you mention that she flirts and that she told you that she finds you attractive. Then in another you say that she probably doesn't think much about you.

That confusion is what is making you think and wonder about her. She is giving JUST enough to keep you intrigued without crossing any real line.

Your posts show honesty and vulnerability. So just forget about admitting ANY attraction or interest and as others have suggested, give it time and distance to die down. Believe me, if this escalates, it will be very hard to wind it back down. Hard to get that toothpaste back into the tube once it's let out, as they say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She could be your soul mate. How will you know unless you get it on with her?

Because my wife is mine and because this woman probably has no idea what she has done to me. Nor does this woman want to sleep with me. Thanks to good advice provided above I hope to return to normal programming soon.

She didn't do anything to you. You did it to you.

[Anonymous]

Without going into too much detail, my husband was in a very similar situation and felt compelled to tell her. This led to a lot of drama at work and he ended up telling me everything. Several months later, we have been through counseling, he is extremely regretful, and I still feel sad and angry about it, but our marriage will be ok. You have received good advice here. I would just add - refocus your energy on gratitude for your wife and family. Make sure the romantic spark with your wife is still strong and don't take her for granted.

[Anonymous]

I tell my husband about all my crushes.. Especially if i am hit hard... Knowing that he knows.. And trusts me not to screw up our life makes dealing with the crush easier.... And it may not seem like it now that its all consuming...but its ur minds way of keeping u entertained and giving u an adrelanie rush... So start getting the rush from something else... And don't give this crush so much secrecy, Impotance or power

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I tell my husband about all my crushes.. Especially if i am hit hard... Knowing that he knows.. And trusts me not to screw up our life makes dealing with the crush easier.... And it may not seem like it now that its all consuming...but its ur minds way of keeping u entertained and giving u an adrelanie rush... So start getting the rush from something else... And don't give this crush so much secrecy, Impotance or power

I would hate if my husband was telling me about all of his cruches or if I was telling him me about mine. But whatever works for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Talk to her about your wife. The good things. Not deep relationship stuff, but keep bribing her up in conversations. Ex: she says "I had the best dinner last night and blah blah restaurant". You say "I'll have to try it. My wife and I are looking to find a new date mighty spot".

Once you make it clear your wife is very much in the picture her interest will fade and she'll stop reaching out and your Cush will fade too.

Yep, this is good advice. Pointedly (make yourself) mention your wife a couple times - that will diffuse the situation on both ends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:10:32 I agree with you and am trying hard to man up, I just need to know how to get her off my mind. I'm losing weight and sanity by the week. I will not betray my wife but wish I could clear my thinking about a woman who prob does not think about me at all.

Hey. Sorry OP, that's never fun. Sometimes giving a voice to the "bad" thoughts takes away their power - want to tell us what's going on in your mind? What's her draw?

This is very perceptive! You have bartender potential and I mean that in a nice way!

Haha - thank you! I totally take that as a compliment. (And unfortunately I speak from some experience with that advice!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I tell my husband about all my crushes.. Especially if i am hit hard... Knowing that he knows.. And trusts me not to screw up our life makes dealing with the crush easier.... And it may not seem like it now that its all consuming...but its ur minds way of keeping u entertained and giving u an adrelanie rush... So start getting the rush from something else... And don't give this crush so much secrecy, Impotance or power

Strange relationship...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I tell my husband about all my crushes.. Especially if i am hit hard... Knowing that he knows.. And trusts me not to screw up our life makes dealing with the crush easier.... And it may not seem like it now that its all consuming...but its ur minds way of keeping u entertained and giving u an adrelanie rush... So start getting the rush from something else... And don't give this crush so much secrecy, Impotance or power

I would never tell my husband about my crushes because they are juvenile, stupid and fleeting. He would think I might be serious! And I would never want to know about his for the same reason.