Not going to cheat, but need help getting over emotional infatuation

[Anonymous]

OP, this sounds like a flirtation without much substance. Do you and she actually have much in common? If you continue to get to know her (non-flirtatiously) as a person, that may bring you down to earth again.

[Anonymous]

OP, it's perfectly natural to feel flattered when an attractive woman flirts with you, or even to fantasize about her a bit - especially when you're stressed by your daily grind of work and family and need a diversion.

Do you have anxiety or OCD? I ask this because you seem to be tormenting yourself with guilt (to the extent you're losing weight - that's pretty extreme). You need to dial it way back in yourself and put things in perspective, stat.

First of all, you are quick to demonize yourself but you're giving this colleague a lot of credit - or at least downplaying her culpability (i.e making it sound like it was a "throw-away" comment on her part or that she looks upon you with "pity" - that's distorted thinking in your part).

She has initiated this, and behaved inappropriately. She asked for your number, and texted you - and I imagine with just a little encouragement from you it could escalate. Of course you're flattered - you're human. But you need to stop idealizing her and crapping on yourself.

It's a crush, and it happens, especially when we're vulnerable to it. Just treat it like any other crush, and try to reconnect with your wife and figure out where this void is coming from that's making you vulnerable. Stop being so hard on
yourself.

She's not the innocent party here, OP.








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[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:10:32 I agree with you and am trying hard to man up, I just need to know how to get her off my mind. I'm losing weight and sanity by the week. I will not betray my wife but wish I could clear my thinking about a woman who prob does not think about me at all.

It doesn't matter whether she thinks about you or not. Keep things professional, don't text with her and pay attention to your wife.

[Anonymous]

I agree with PP. You are being way to hard on yourself. These things happen and you aren't a bad person for having them As long as you continue to make good choices with your actions then it's ok and these feelings will fade.

[Anonymous]

Read Shirley Glass, Not Just Friends. Put up some walls with the coworker; open some windows with your wife.

[Anonymous]

I went through something like this a few years ago when a very attractive woman in my company (10 years younger, two levels below) pulled the flattery routine. At first it was pretty exciting to be flirted with but then you realize that she likely wants something other than your attention. Make the assumption its not about you its about what you can do for her.

[Anonymous]

You are overthinking it. Enjoy the flattery and then forget about it. You don't have to do anything or say anything. To the coworker or to your wife. This is just fantasy.

[Anonymous]

Big deal OP. News flash - most of us develop crushes on others during marriage. I fantasize about tons of women other than my wife. And I flirt too. I am married, not dead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Big deal OP. News flash - most of us develop crushes on others during marriage. I fantasize about tons of women other than my wife. And I flirt too. I am married, not dead.

I agree - guys are always thinking about sex and not just with their wives but most of us, including myself, never do anything about it. I recently had a crush on an IT consultant at our company who was incredibly hot and smart. The project ended and she moved on - no harm, no foul.

[Anonymous]

Talk to her about your wife. The good things. Not deep relationship stuff, but keep bribing her up in conversations. Ex: she says "I had the best dinner last night and blah blah restaurant". You say "I'll have to try it. My wife and I are looking to find a new date mighty spot".

Once you make it clear your wife is very much in the picture her interest will fade and she'll stop reaching out and your Cush will fade too.

[Anonymous]

Imagine your wife being with someone else for your ridiculous/selfish mistakes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it's perfectly natural to feel flattered when an attractive woman flirts with you, or even to fantasize about her a bit - especially when you're stressed by your daily grind of work and family and need a diversion.

Do you have anxiety or OCD? I ask this because you seem to be tormenting yourself with guilt (to the extent you're losing weight - that's pretty extreme). You need to dial it way back in yourself and put things in perspective, stat.

First of all, you are quick to demonize yourself but you're giving this colleague a lot of credit - or at least downplaying her culpability (i.e making it sound like it was a "throw-away" comment on her part or that she looks upon you with "pity" - that's distorted thinking in your part).

She has initiated this, and behaved inappropriately. She asked for your number, and texted you - and I imagine with just a little encouragement from you it could escalate. Of course you're flattered - you're human. But you need to stop idealizing her and crapping on yourself.

It's a crush, and it happens, especially when we're vulnerable to it. Just treat it like any other crush, and try to reconnect with your wife and figure out where this void is coming from that's making you vulnerable. Stop being so hard on
yourself.

She's not the innocent party here, OP.
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+1 This coworker is an instigator who at best is messing with OP for sport or personal ego boost, which is uncool.

I think that a lot of guys do not recognize how women make moves on them. Women who are players make moves by constantly creating opportunities for you to come closer to them, and to confide in them, and inviting you and encouraging you to respond. This coworker is inviting him and encouraging him by saying inappropriate things, asking for his number and creating opportunities for him to be private and one on one with her. I know one woman who invites the coworker she is interested in to come look at things on her phone, and talks in a really quiet voice to him so he has to lean closer and closer. Just watched it in a meeting last week. See it and recognize it and free your mind from the manipulation so you can decide for yourself.

[Anonymous]

The best way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it.

[Anonymous]

OP probably here for the last time. I really appreciate the range of opinions offered here. While it is true she has done some flirting, I still think it is unintentional or at least done with no understanding of how much it got to me. I don't know why I fell so hard, but I am in the middle of another long weekend where all I think about is the next time we email at work.

Based on the inputs today, I will not tell her how this has affected me and instead will focus on thinking about my wife and others. I have not been this confused about a woman since high school. Thanks again.

[Anonymous]

Hey OP -

I was in the same boat last year. Try to think about what attracts you in the first place - a lot of times it's something you want, not necessarily her. So to feel more attractive might be the thing that draws you, and your mind is just focusing on her as the way that gets accomplished. Try to have more sex at home.