Not going to cheat, but need help getting over emotional infatuation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I tell my husband about all my crushes.. Especially if i am hit hard... Knowing that he knows.. And trusts me not to screw up our life makes dealing with the crush easier.... And it may not seem like it now that its all consuming...but its ur minds way of keeping u entertained and giving u an adrelanie rush... So start getting the rush from something else... And don't give this crush so much secrecy, Impotance or power

Strange relationship...

Is it strange?! It keeps me in check coz i cant do anything that i will have to hide or cant discuss. But all the reactions here make it sound so unusual

[Anonymous]

I'm a DW. Huge crush on married, male friend. Mutual stated attraction, but nothing will happen. I get stomach aches. It's embarrassing not to be able to curb irrational emotions. I feel you, OP. Don't beat yourself up and reconnect with wife. Make her feel attractive! Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a DW. Huge crush on married, male friend. Mutual stated attraction[u], but nothing will happen. I get stomach aches. It's embarrassing not to be able to curb irrational emotions. I feel you, OP. Don't beat yourself up and reconnect with wife. Make her feel attractive! Good luck!

How did this happen? Did you confess first?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Man up OP - either let it fade or ruin both marriages and act on it. Marriage ain't for wimps and trust me the grass isn't always greener on the other side.

This.
I have been in this spot. Guess what, it passes but you must be icareful not to put yourself in a tricky spots (alcohol, more texts).
Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Ha! For a minute I thought my husband wrote this. We're reeling from this situation right now, though his friendship with co-worker deepened with a lot of texting. They crossed a boundary -- not a physical boundary or sexting or even confessing romantic feelings, just the enjoyment of the bond -- and we're working on recovering though it's hard.

Yes, even when it's just a deep friendship, it's a betrayal, and then all parties are stymied with how to proceed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I tell my husband about all my crushes.. Especially if i am hit hard... Knowing that he knows.. And trusts me not to screw up our life makes dealing with the crush easier.... And it may not seem like it now that its all consuming...but its ur minds way of keeping u entertained and giving u an adrelanie rush... So start getting the rush from something else... And don't give this crush so much secrecy, Impotance or power

Strange relationship...

Is it strange?! It keeps me in check coz i cant do anything that i will have to hide or cant discuss. But all the reactions here make it sound so unusual

Sorry...used the wrong word.... How about "abnormal" relationship? As grown ups, one is expected to manage "urges" that come along in life. No need to share witg spouse,others, etc. Are you 16?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ha! For a minute I thought my husband wrote this. We're reeling from this situation right now, though his friendship with co-worker deepened with a lot of texting. They crossed a boundary -- not a physical boundary or sexting or even confessing romantic feelings, just the enjoyment of the bond -- and we're working on recovering though it's hard.

Yes, even when it's just a deep friendship, it's a betrayal, and then all parties are stymied with how to proceed.

Can you elaborate a bit on what deepened in your husband's relationship with his co-worker? What hurt you, and if they didn't express romantic feelings how was it different than a male-female friendship?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ha! For a minute I thought my husband wrote this. We're reeling from this situation right now, though his friendship with co-worker deepened with a lot of texting. They crossed a boundary -- not a physical boundary or sexting or even confessing romantic feelings, just the enjoyment of the bond -- and we're working on recovering though it's hard.

Yes, even when it's just a deep friendship, it's a betrayal, and then all parties are stymied with how to proceed.

Can you elaborate a bit on what deepened in your husband's relationship with his co-worker? What hurt you, and if they didn't express romantic feelings how was it different than a male-female friendship?

First, I had no idea that the friendship was deepening. He struggles with not understanding social norms between married men and women, so that combined with tension at home and lots of responsiveness from her made it easy for him to start leaning on her friendship more and more.

When I was out of town, he met her for lunch (on a weekend, in a location close to her, "for her convenience"). I happened to be looking at the credit card statement while I was away (for unrelated reasons) and saw he'd been to lunch in an unfamiliar place somewhere in the metro area; it didn't raise a flag because I figured he had made plans with a group of friends. When I got back and mentioned seeing the charge, he became unexpectedly defensive, saying he'd met a friend, and "I'm allowed to have friends!" I was thunderstruck by this. Honestly, I'd had no suspicions whatsoever. (And if the lunch charge had come up for some random Applebee's a few miles closer to home, I likely wouldn't have ever questioned it.)

When we began addressing the issues, he was at first stuck on the "just friends" language while I couldn't understand why I was feeling as betrayed as I was. I went from trying to be cool about it, saying that I wouldn't mandate that he cut off contact because friends are important, but over time he has agreed he needs to put up walls though it's hard to lose the enjoyment of the connection. I saw it was going to be all too easy for him to both continue to enjoy his attachment to her as-is AND reap the benefits of more openness with me. (The "NOT Just Friends" book mentioned in this or another thread has been very helpful.)

They work together (in different offices), have in the past confessed having little crushes on each other, share some interests that are fun to chat about, and on a few occasions he has confided in her about problems in our marriage. She has been divorced and apparently (according to him) urged him to work things out with me. I may still have been in the dark as he hadn't come to the realization that he had crossed a line until we began discussing it together. One of the ways these "platonic" friendships cross the line is when there's an element of having a sweet secret that couldn't possibly be bad, since there's nothing physical going on. The person with the secret isn't "doing anything wrong" yet still gets the thrill of having a source of pleasure that he (in our case) isn't sharing with the spouse, and it's all innocent because no one's being hurt.

In the weeks we've been working on this, I've been very happy at our ability to open the lines of communication, but it's also been hard in that it's still a process for him in cutting this person out of his life, and my twinges of anxiety whenever I see him on his phone.

I've been pretty specific, so I'm actually hoping his friend reads DCUM and recognizes this. I don't think she's a bad person; I do think she was very flattered by the attention and also enjoys the friendship. But she must also know that she crossed lines even if she was following his lead. I can totally see myself having a savior complex over a nice guy coming to me for attention. Of course, knowing what I know now, I'd be building walls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ha! For a minute I thought my husband wrote this. We're reeling from this situation right now, though his friendship with co-worker deepened with a lot of texting. They crossed a boundary -- not a physical boundary or sexting or even confessing romantic feelings, just the enjoyment of the bond -- and we're working on recovering though it's hard.

Yes, even when it's just a deep friendship, it's a betrayal, and then all parties are stymied with how to proceed.

Can you elaborate a bit on what deepened in your husband's relationship with his co-worker? What hurt you, and if they didn't express romantic feelings how was it different than a male-female friendship?

First, I had no idea that the friendship was deepening. He struggles with not understanding social norms between married men and women, so that combined with tension at home and lots of responsiveness from her made it easy for him to start leaning on her friendship more and more.

When I was out of town, he met her for lunch (on a weekend, in a location close to her, "for her convenience"). I happened to be looking at the credit card statement while I was away (for unrelated reasons) and saw he'd been to lunch in an unfamiliar place somewhere in the metro area; it didn't raise a flag because I figured he had made plans with a group of friends. When I got back and mentioned seeing the charge, he became unexpectedly defensive, saying he'd met a friend, and "I'm allowed to have friends!" I was thunderstruck by this. Honestly, I'd had no suspicions whatsoever. (And if the lunch charge had come up for some random Applebee's a few miles closer to home, I likely wouldn't have ever questioned it.)

When we began addressing the issues, he was at first stuck on the "just friends" language while I couldn't understand why I was feeling as betrayed as I was. I went from trying to be cool about it, saying that I wouldn't mandate that he cut off contact because friends are important, but over time he has agreed he needs to put up walls though it's hard to lose the enjoyment of the connection. I saw it was going to be all too easy for him to both continue to enjoy his attachment to her as-is AND reap the benefits of more openness with me. (The "NOT Just Friends" book mentioned in this or another thread has been very helpful.)

They work together (in different offices), have in the past confessed having little crushes on each other, share some interests that are fun to chat about, and on a few occasions he has confided in her about problems in our marriage. She has been divorced and apparently (according to him) urged him to work things out with me. I may still have been in the dark as he hadn't come to the realization that he had crossed a line until we began discussing it together. One of the ways these "platonic" friendships cross the line is when there's an element of having a sweet secret that couldn't possibly be bad, since there's nothing physical going on. The person with the secret isn't "doing anything wrong" yet still gets the thrill of having a source of pleasure that he (in our case) isn't sharing with the spouse, and it's all innocent because no one's being hurt.

In the weeks we've been working on this, I've been very happy at our ability to open the lines of communication, but it's also been hard in that it's still a process for him in cutting this person out of his life, and my twinges of anxiety whenever I see him on his phone.

I've been pretty specific, so I'm actually hoping his friend reads DCUM and recognizes this. I don't think she's a bad person; I do think she was very flattered by the attention and also enjoys the friendship. But she must also know that she crossed lines even if she was following his lead. I can totally see myself having a savior complex over a nice guy coming to me for attention. Of course, knowing what I know now, I'd be building walls.

Thank you for opening up and sharing your experience, I can resonate with how you must feel after your husband took this defensive stance and then dissembled a bit in explaining what she means to him. As I read your comments I can sense the hurt he caused and can see my DW responding the same way. It's surprisingly easy, at least in my opinion, to let these seemingly innocent friendships evolve into something that separates us from our spouses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ha! For a minute I thought my husband wrote this. We're reeling from this situation right now, though his friendship with co-worker deepened with a lot of texting. They crossed a boundary -- not a physical boundary or sexting or even confessing romantic feelings, just the enjoyment of the bond -- and we're working on recovering though it's hard.

Yes, even when it's just a deep friendship, it's a betrayal, and then all parties are stymied with how to proceed.

Can you elaborate a bit on what deepened in your husband's relationship with his co-worker? What hurt you, and if they didn't express romantic feelings how was it different than a male-female friendship?

First, I had no idea that the friendship was deepening. He struggles with not understanding social norms between married men and women, so that combined with tension at home and lots of responsiveness from her made it easy for him to start leaning on her friendship more and more.

When I was out of town, he met her for lunch (on a weekend, in a location close to her, "for her convenience"). I happened to be looking at the credit card statement while I was away (for unrelated reasons) and saw he'd been to lunch in an unfamiliar place somewhere in the metro area; it didn't raise a flag because I figured he had made plans with a group of friends. When I got back and mentioned seeing the charge, he became unexpectedly defensive, saying he'd met a friend, and "I'm allowed to have friends!" I was thunderstruck by this. Honestly, I'd had no suspicions whatsoever. (And if the lunch charge had come up for some random Applebee's a few miles closer to home, I likely wouldn't have ever questioned it.)

When we began addressing the issues, he was at first stuck on the "just friends" language while I couldn't understand why I was feeling as betrayed as I was. I went from trying to be cool about it, saying that I wouldn't mandate that he cut off contact because friends are important, but over time he has agreed he needs to put up walls though it's hard to lose the enjoyment of the connection. I saw it was going to be all too easy for him to both continue to enjoy his attachment to her as-is AND reap the benefits of more openness with me. (The "NOT Just Friends" book mentioned in this or another thread has been very helpful.)

They work together (in different offices), have in the past confessed having little crushes on each other, share some interests that are fun to chat about, and on a few occasions he has confided in her about problems in our marriage. She has been divorced and apparently (according to him) urged him to work things out with me. I may still have been in the dark as he hadn't come to the realization that he had crossed a line until we began discussing it together. One of the ways these "platonic" friendships cross the line is when there's an element of having a sweet secret that couldn't possibly be bad, since there's nothing physical going on. The person with the secret isn't "doing anything wrong" yet still gets the thrill of having a source of pleasure that he (in our case) isn't sharing with the spouse, and it's all innocent because no one's being hurt.

In the weeks we've been working on this, I've been very happy at our ability to open the lines of communication, but it's also been hard in that it's still a process for him in cutting this person out of his life, and my twinges of anxiety whenever I see him on his phone.

I've been pretty specific, so I'm actually hoping his friend reads DCUM and recognizes this. I don't think she's a bad person; I do think she was very flattered by the attention and also enjoys the friendship. But she must also know that she crossed lines even if she was following his lead. I can totally see myself having a savior complex over a nice guy coming to me for attention. Of course, knowing what I know now, I'd be building walls.

Thank you for opening up and sharing your experience, I can resonate with how you must feel after your husband took this defensive stance and then dissembled a bit in explaining what she means to him. As I read your comments I can sense the hurt he caused and can see my DW responding the same way. It's surprisingly easy, at least in my opinion, to let these seemingly innocent friendships evolve into something that separates us from our spouses.

I'm very happy if it helps you! FWIW, we are communicating now better than we have in years (again, part of the problem). And both of us have had our perceptions of this whole thing shift and deepen, and we're addressing them as they come up. But bottom line, we agreed he has to cut this other person off completely, and to be resentful of me asking it. I tried to be the cool wife and not feel threatened, but the only way to go forward is to go cold turkey. I wish you all the best and think it's very smart of you to be thinking about the ramifications ahead of the fact.

[Anonymous]

PP here -- ^ Ahem, that's *NOT be resentful of me asking it. Paging Dr. Freud ... ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a DW. Huge crush on married, male friend. Mutual stated attraction, but nothing will happen. I get stomach aches. It's embarrassing not to be able to curb irrational emotions. I feel you, OP. Don't beat yourself up and reconnect with wife. Make her feel attractive! Good luck!

Ugh. This happened to me, too. When I was near him, I just wanted to pull him close to me. I'm a happily married, ever faithful dw, but this guy seemed irresistible to me. He was similarly drawn to me. We never directly discussed it, but there was overwhelming attraction and chemistry between us. I had to remove myself from the place we knew each other. I haven't seen him in 2.5 years, but I think about him still.

[Anonymous]

Happily married man here. I have lunch on occassion with a married woman at work. We work in different locations, are about the same age, and i do find her attractive. I dont know how she feels about me, however, but i enjoy the attention. Sometimes she sets the date, other times i initiate it. My wife is not aware and this has been ongoing for sometime and neither one of us plan to take it further.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Happily married man here. I have lunch on occassion with a married woman at work. We work in different locations, are about the same age, and i do find her attractive. I dont know how she feels about me, however, but i enjoy the attention. Sometimes she sets the date, other times i initiate it. My wife is not aware and this has been ongoing for sometime and neither one of us plan to take it further.

How do you know? Have you discussed this attraction and you both agreed that you won't go there?

Very slippery slope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Happily married man here. I have lunch on occassion with a married woman at work. We work in different locations, are about the same age, and i do find her attractive. I dont know how she feels about me, however, but i enjoy the attention. Sometimes she sets the date, other times i initiate it. My wife is not aware and this has been ongoing for sometime and neither one of us plan to take it further.

How do you know? Have you discussed this attraction and you both agreed that you won't go there?

Very slippery slope.

Agreed. Also know that if you've discussed that you don't intend to take it further you've already crossed a line.