Not going to cheat, but need help getting over emotional infatuation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ha! For a minute I thought my husband wrote this. We're reeling from this situation right now, though his friendship with co-worker deepened with a lot of texting. They crossed a boundary -- not a physical boundary or sexting or even confessing romantic feelings, just the enjoyment of the bond -- and we're working on recovering though it's hard.

Yes, even when it's just a deep friendship, it's a betrayal, and then all parties are stymied with how to proceed.

Can you elaborate a bit on what deepened in your husband's relationship with his co-worker? What hurt you, and if they didn't express romantic feelings how was it different than a male-female friendship?

First, I had no idea that the friendship was deepening. He struggles with not understanding social norms between married men and women, so that combined with tension at home and lots of responsiveness from her made it easy for him to start leaning on her friendship more and more.

When I was out of town, he met her for lunch (on a weekend, in a location close to her, "for her convenience"). I happened to be looking at the credit card statement while I was away (for unrelated reasons) and saw he'd been to lunch in an unfamiliar place somewhere in the metro area; it didn't raise a flag because I figured he had made plans with a group of friends. When I got back and mentioned seeing the charge, he became unexpectedly defensive, saying he'd met a friend, and "I'm allowed to have friends!" I was thunderstruck by this. Honestly, I'd had no suspicions whatsoever. (And if the lunch charge had come up for some random Applebee's a few miles closer to home, I likely wouldn't have ever questioned it.)

When we began addressing the issues, he was at first stuck on the "just friends" language while I couldn't understand why I was feeling as betrayed as I was. I went from trying to be cool about it, saying that I wouldn't mandate that he cut off contact because friends are important, but over time he has agreed he needs to put up walls though it's hard to lose the enjoyment of the connection. I saw it was going to be all too easy for him to both continue to enjoy his attachment to her as-is AND reap the benefits of more openness with me. (The "NOT Just Friends" book mentioned in this or another thread has been very helpful.)

They work together (in different offices), have in the past confessed having little crushes on each other, share some interests that are fun to chat about, and on a few occasions he has confided in her about problems in our marriage. She has been divorced and apparently (according to him) urged him to work things out with me. I may still have been in the dark as he hadn't come to the realization that he had crossed a line until we began discussing it together. One of the ways these "platonic" friendships cross the line is when there's an element of having a sweet secret that couldn't possibly be bad, since there's nothing physical going on. The person with the secret isn't "doing anything wrong" yet still gets the thrill of having a source of pleasure that he (in our case) isn't sharing with the spouse, and it's all innocent because no one's being hurt.

In the weeks we've been working on this, I've been very happy at our ability to open the lines of communication, but it's also been hard in that it's still a process for him in cutting this person out of his life, and my twinges of anxiety whenever I see him on his phone.

I've been pretty specific, so I'm actually hoping his friend reads DCUM and recognizes this. I don't think she's a bad person; I do think she was very flattered by the attention and also enjoys the friendship. But she must also know that she crossed lines even if she was following his lead. I can totally see myself having a savior complex over a nice guy coming to me for attention. Of course, knowing what I know now, I'd be building walls.

My experience with a non sexual relationship with a male friend was different. My DH told me that he couldn't provide the emotional closeness I craved, which freed me up to pursue it out of marriage. Not the outcome I expected but the air is clear at home and I'm happier because I found someone willing to talk to me at length about things. My DH just can't focus that long, and listening tires him out. So long as both spouses know the nature of the friendship and both spouses are satisfied, it's good.

[Anonymous]

There is nothing wrong with having a platonic relationship with a married woman. However, if you see her as more than just a friend and have actual fantasies about her more often than thinking about her just a friend, cut her out cold turkey.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ha! For a minute I thought my husband wrote this. We're reeling from this situation right now, though his friendship with co-worker deepened with a lot of texting. They crossed a boundary -- not a physical boundary or sexting or even confessing romantic feelings, just the enjoyment of the bond -- and we're working on recovering though it's hard.

Yes, even when it's just a deep friendship, it's a betrayal, and then all parties are stymied with how to proceed.

Can you elaborate a bit on what deepened in your husband's relationship with his co-worker? What hurt you, and if they didn't express romantic feelings how was it different than a male-female friendship?

First, I had no idea that the friendship was deepening. He struggles with not understanding social norms between married men and women, so that combined with tension at home and lots of responsiveness from her made it easy for him to start leaning on her friendship more and more.

When I was out of town, he met her for lunch (on a weekend, in a location close to her, "for her convenience"). I happened to be looking at the credit card statement while I was away (for unrelated reasons) and saw he'd been to lunch in an unfamiliar place somewhere in the metro area; it didn't raise a flag because I figured he had made plans with a group of friends. When I got back and mentioned seeing the charge, he became unexpectedly defensive, saying he'd met a friend, and "I'm allowed to have friends!" I was thunderstruck by this. Honestly, I'd had no suspicions whatsoever. (And if the lunch charge had come up for some random Applebee's a few miles closer to home, I likely wouldn't have ever questioned it.)

When we began addressing the issues, he was at first stuck on the "just friends" language while I couldn't understand why I was feeling as betrayed as I was. I went from trying to be cool about it, saying that I wouldn't mandate that he cut off contact because friends are important, but over time he has agreed he needs to put up walls though it's hard to lose the enjoyment of the connection. I saw it was going to be all too easy for him to both continue to enjoy his attachment to her as-is AND reap the benefits of more openness with me. (The "NOT Just Friends" book mentioned in this or another thread has been very helpful.)

They work together (in different offices), have in the past confessed having little crushes on each other, share some interests that are fun to chat about, and on a few occasions he has confided in her about problems in our marriage. She has been divorced and apparently (according to him) urged him to work things out with me. I may still have been in the dark as he hadn't come to the realization that he had crossed a line until we began discussing it together. One of the ways these "platonic" friendships cross the line is when there's an element of having a sweet secret that couldn't possibly be bad, since there's nothing physical going on. The person with the secret isn't "doing anything wrong" yet still gets the thrill of having a source of pleasure that he (in our case) isn't sharing with the spouse, and it's all innocent because no one's being hurt.

In the weeks we've been working on this, I've been very happy at our ability to open the lines of communication, but it's also been hard in that it's still a process for him in cutting this person out of his life, and my twinges of anxiety whenever I see him on his phone.

I've been pretty specific, so I'm actually hoping his friend reads DCUM and recognizes this. I don't think she's a bad person; I do think she was very flattered by the attention and also enjoys the friendship. But she must also know that she crossed lines even if she was following his lead. I can totally see myself having a savior complex over a nice guy coming to me for attention. Of course, knowing what I know now, I'd be building walls.

My experience with a non sexual relationship with a male friend was different. My DH told me that he couldn't provide the emotional closeness I craved, which freed me up to pursue it out of marriage. Not the outcome I expected but the air is clear at home and I'm happier because I found someone willing to talk to me at length about things. My DH just can't focus that long, and listening tires him out. So long as both spouses know the nature of the friendship and both spouses are satisfied, it's good.

An emotionally "open marriage" is news to me, but if it works for you, more power to you. But don't dismiss the real damage that becoming overly emotionally involved with others can do to other marriages.

[Anonymous]

OP. It's been over a week and things have not gotten easier, probably because I'm not taking some of the good advice posted above. It took less than a day for my coworker to wonder what is wrong, asking if I was mad at her. I tried cutting her off and staying professional in email response. By mid-week I was back into the limerent stupor of wanting her attention. Over the weekend I texted her and she replied with a picture of her and a friend she was out with.

I have to see her soon, in an unavoidable situation. My goal remains to STFU about my feelings and avoid making it worse. But I fear what seeing her in person is going to be like. I expect DCUM scorn after dredging this thread up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. It's been over a week and things have not gotten easier, probably because I'm not taking some of the good advice posted above. It took less than a day for my coworker to wonder what is wrong, asking if I was mad at her. I tried cutting her off and staying professional in email response. By mid-week I was back into the limerent stupor of wanting her attention. Over the weekend I texted her and she replied with a picture of her and a friend she was out with.

I have to see her soon, in an unavoidable situation. My goal remains to STFU about my feelings and avoid making it worse. But I fear what seeing her in person is going to be like. I expect DCUM scorn after dredging this thread up.

No scorn here but...take a step back and think about the kind of person you want to be. Think about your options here, and where you will be in 1 year if you pursue one option or the other. If you continue to let this escalate, there is a very good chance you will look back at this point where you went wrong...you knew it was getting dangerous, but you made a conscious decision to let yourself go deeper down the hole. If you guys continue down this path, there's a limited (and decreasing) number of possible outcomes: either it will develop into a full blown affair (which you've said vehemently you don't want), or one of your spouses will come across your communications and be (very) hurt, OR you'll be faced with having to try and cut things off when you've caught feelings even MORE than you have now. None of those are easy or ideal...the easiest and best solution from where you are at this point is to stop all outside contact with her. And if she reaches out to ask what's up, you need to be direct and polite in shutting it down. I'm talking "I fear our communications have begun to verge into somewhat inappropriate territory; I need to be clear that I am happily married and respect and love my wife. Going forward I think it's best that we limit our contact exclusively to work-related matters." Even if she plays dumb / acts weird about it, she knows exactly what she's doing and the message will be received.

I guess what I'm trying to say is...call on your higher self (not the day to day self who craves that momentary thrill/validation; the one who can look t the bigger picture and make the hard choices) to SNAP out of it. Remember this: there is a reason for the expression "if you play with fire, you wind up burned."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. It's been over a week and things have not gotten easier, probably because I'm not taking some of the good advice posted above. It took less than a day for my coworker to wonder what is wrong, asking if I was mad at her. I tried cutting her off and staying professional in email response. By mid-week I was back into the limerent stupor of wanting her attention. Over the weekend I texted her and she replied with a picture of her and a friend she was out with.

I have to see her soon, in an unavoidable situation. My goal remains to STFU about my feelings and avoid making it worse. But I fear what seeing her in person is going to be like. I expect DCUM scorn after dredging this thread up.

No scorn here but...take a step back and think about the kind of person you want to be. Think about your options here, and where you will be in 1 year if you pursue one option or the other. If you continue to let this escalate, there is a very good chance you will look back at this point where you went wrong...you knew it was getting dangerous, but you made a conscious decision to let yourself go deeper down the hole. If you guys continue down this path, there's a limited (and decreasing) number of possible outcomes: either it will develop into a full blown affair (which you've said vehemently you don't want), or one of your spouses will come across your communications and be (very) hurt, OR you'll be faced with having to try and cut things off when you've caught feelings even MORE than you have now. None of those are easy or ideal...the easiest and best solution from where you are at this point is to stop all outside contact with her. And if she reaches out to ask what's up, you need to be direct and polite in shutting it down. I'm talking "I fear our communications have begun to verge into somewhat inappropriate territory; I need to be clear that I am happily married and respect and love my wife. Going forward I think it's best that we limit our contact exclusively to work-related matters." Even if she plays dumb / acts weird about it, she knows exactly what she's doing and the message will be received.

That would be creepy and weird. Do not send that message. It also makes you a permanent hostage to a harassment complaint if she decides to make one.

[Anonymous]

I will repeat what I said earlier in the thread - she's not as innocent as you think. I can tell you think the best of people (with the exception of yourself - you're extremely hard on yourself) - but she knows what she's doing. She's sending you pictures of herself, FFS? That's highly inappropriate and she wants you to hot for her.

If it's indeed true that she's like this with everyone then she desperately wants male (sexual) attention and that's pathetic.

Does that make you look at her in a different way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. It's been over a week and things have not gotten easier, probably because I'm not taking some of the good advice posted above. It took less than a day for my coworker to wonder what is wrong, asking if I was mad at her. I tried cutting her off and staying professional in email response. By mid-week I was back into the limerent stupor of wanting her attention. Over the weekend I texted her and she replied with a picture of her and a friend she was out with.

I have to see her soon, in an unavoidable situation. My goal remains to STFU about my feelings and avoid making it worse. But I fear what seeing her in person is going to be like. I expect DCUM scorn after dredging this thread up.

Just remain stoic and don't express your feelings as she's slobbering on your knob and you'll be fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will repeat what I said earlier in the thread - she's not as innocent as you think. I can tell you think the best of people (with the exception of yourself - you're extremely hard on yourself) - but she knows what she's doing. She's sending you pictures of herself, FFS? That's highly inappropriate and she wants you to hot for her.

If it's indeed true that she's like this with everyone then she desperately wants male (sexual) attention and that's pathetic.

Does that make you look at her in a different way?

I appreciate your giving me the benefit of the doubt but the pic was funny, not sexual. Our conversations have never veered into the sexual, nor do I want them to. I blame myself for texting her.

[Anonymous]

Just f@$k her already. I hope it's worth it.

[Anonymous]

Agree with PP who said Man up!
Don't ruin your life
Don't ruin your wife's life
Don't ruin your kids life.
Be a grown up.

If you are just too weak, pull a Mike Pence
Never go out alone anywhere with another woman who isn't your wife.
Never go anywhere involving alcohol without your wife.

[Anonymous]

No more texting with her. Work email only!

[Anonymous]

Here's the thing...many times having an affair is not one big choice to "have an affair." It's a lot of small choices that snowball and in six months you're having an affair. Right now you're like, it's no big deal for me to email her. No big deal for me to text her. No big deal for me to email/text after work on weekends. No big deal to have lunch alone. To have a drink alone. It's no big deal for me to give a hug. To give just one kiss. NBD to talk every day. NBD to meet at this conference...go to the hotel room...etc.

It's small choices that add up. If you want it to stop, stop it now. Today. Before your mind starts justifying all your actions and you start telling yourself, it's no big deal. Before you start rewriting your marital history in order to make your actions acceptable. I've been there. All of my small choices added up to an affair and it was by far the most hurtful and destructive thing I've ever done. I would not wish that pain on anyone. Also, Not Just Friends is a very good book.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. It's been over a week and things have not gotten easier, probably because I'm not taking some of the good advice posted above. It took less than a day for my coworker to wonder what is wrong, asking if I was mad at her. I tried cutting her off and staying professional in email response. By mid-week I was back into the limerent stupor of wanting her attention. Over the weekend I texted her and she replied with a picture of her and a friend she was out with.

I have to see her soon, in an unavoidable situation. My goal remains to STFU about my feelings and avoid making it worse. But I fear what seeing her in person is going to be like. I expect DCUM scorn after dredging this thread up.

No scorn here but...take a step back and think about the kind of person you want to be. Think about your options here, and where you will be in 1 year if you pursue one option or the other. If you continue to let this escalate, there is a very good chance you will look back at this point where you went wrong...you knew it was getting dangerous, but you made a conscious decision to let yourself go deeper down the hole. If you guys continue down this path, there's a limited (and decreasing) number of possible outcomes: either it will develop into a full blown affair (which you've said vehemently you don't want), or one of your spouses will come across your communications and be (very) hurt, OR you'll be faced with having to try and cut things off when you've caught feelings even MORE than you have now. None of those are easy or ideal...the easiest and best solution from where you are at this point is to stop all outside contact with her. And if she reaches out to ask what's up, you need to be direct and polite in shutting it down. I'm talking "I fear our communications have begun to verge into somewhat inappropriate territory; I need to be clear that I am happily married and respect and love my wife. Going forward I think it's best that we limit our contact exclusively to work-related matters." Even if she plays dumb / acts weird about it, she knows exactly what she's doing and the message will be received.

That would be creepy and weird. Do not send that message. It also makes you a permanent hostage to a harassment complaint if she decides to make one.

Eh, I dunno. Maybe not exactly those words, but that is the message that needs to be conveyed and he seems to be failing at doing in subtly. He needs to "sober up" and make himself definitively shut the door

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's the thing...many times having an affair is not one big choice to "have an affair." It's a lot of small choices that snowball and in six months you're having an affair. Right now you're like, it's no big deal for me to email her. No big deal for me to text her. No big deal for me to email/text after work on weekends. No big deal to have lunch alone. To have a drink alone. It's no big deal for me to give a hug. To give just one kiss. NBD to talk every day. NBD to meet at this conference...go to the hotel room...etc.

It's small choices that add up. If you want it to stop, stop it now. Today. Before your mind starts justifying all your actions and you start telling yourself, it's no big deal. Before you start rewriting your marital history in order to make your actions acceptable. I've been there. All of my small choices added up to an affair and it was by far the most hurtful and destructive thing I've ever done. I would not wish that pain on anyone. Also, Not Just Friends is a very good book.

Exactly.