Found husband's profile on a "cheating" website, what do I do??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just don't understand why people are telling OP to wait until he definitely cheats. Isn't the goal to confront before he cheats? Wouldn't it be way more difficult to reconcile after he has sex with someone?

It's better if she knows his intentions and character. Confronting him isn't going to solve everything and make him stop. Most likely, he'll just tell her some lame excuses and be better at hiding it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is your sexlife? That is the most accurate measure of a man's happiness in a marriage.

Not at all true. Many victims of cheaters are puzzled by the cheating because the sex life has been good. Good sex life doesn't prevent cheating.

Nothing can ever completely prevent cheating. But sex is a powerful motivator for men.
Who do you think is more likely to use a cheating website: the man who is sexually satisfied at home, or the a man who (every single day) feels unloved and horny?
Not blaming OP, but she claimed shock over their "happy marriage" so this seems like a pertinent question - which she chose not to answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just don't understand why people are telling OP to wait until he definitely cheats. Isn't the goal to confront before he cheats? Wouldn't it be way more difficult to reconcile after he has sex with someone?

It's better if she knows his intentions and character. Confronting him isn't going to solve everything and make him stop. Most likely, he'll just tell her some lame excuses and be better at hiding it.

Newsflash. Every man has a strong desire to have sex with other women. Most men, at some point (or many points) in the marriage, will feel an incredible urge to cheat. I am sure some women can relate to this, not trying to say it's only men. Most men have it in them to cheat. This isn't some character issue, it's a matter of a combination of opportunity plus sexual frustration plus aging and feeling the opportunities slip away.

This isn't a knock on OP, but I can imagine they aren't scorching the sheets with three little ones at home. This is the time most men cheat. Because her sex drive is probably zapped from taking care of little ones, she can't even relate to the level of sexual frustration her husband might be going through. Again, not blaming OP. This is the totally normal issue in marriages with young kids and its also the time I have seen the majority of my friends cheat.

The reason why most men lie when they are caught is because they still love their wives and families and want to be married, but they also have an intense desire for extra-marital sex and that compounds when the kids are young and they become second fiddles. These aren't exit affairs.

All signs point to he hasn't taken the big step yet and signed up for the paid membership. It's probably fantasy material, his looking at a real person he could theoretically sleep with if he just. were. to. sign. up. Never underestimate the ability of a man to make a horrible decision with his penis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is your sexlife? That is the most accurate measure of a man's happiness in a marriage.

Not at all true. Many victims of cheaters are puzzled by the cheating because the sex life has been good. Good sex life doesn't prevent cheating.

Nothing can ever completely prevent cheating. But sex is a powerful motivator for men.
Who do you think is more likely to use a cheating website: the man who is sexually satisfied at home, or the a man who (every single day) feels unloved and horny?
Not blaming OP, but she claimed shock over their "happy marriage" so this seems like a pertinent question - which she chose not to answer.

I don't know the percentage of people who cheat who are in sexless or boring sex marriages versus those that are not, but there are men with very active sex lives who cheat. My husband cheated even though we had sex around 4 times a week and I was very into it and willing to both experiment with what he wanted and ask for new things myself. It was not just some boring "duty" sex. I was completely perplexed by my husband's cheating because it meant he was actually having sex with two people on the same day (he had an affair with a coworker and they would get it on during work hours, and then he would come home and be with me - it makes me very repulsed), which seemed just nuts to me. His reason for the affair - the OW made him feel important. I guess he thought I failed at that, though he didn't tell me how he felt at the time.

But even if you aren't having the best sex ever, the solution is not to cheat. The solution is to talk to your spouse and figure out what the deal is and whether it's fixable. And sometimes you might just have to not have amazing sex for a period of time, like when kids are super small, etc. Personally, I was very not into sex from between when I was five or six months pregnant to several months after having a baby. I think it is reasonable for sex to dwindle during those times - they are intense and stressful. If you can't deal with that kind of timeframe, and getting your rocks off is more important than handling a temporary drought, I think that's a character flaw. I probably sound like a peach, but the complaining about not being able to have sex during that period of life really burns me.

[Anonymous]

PP, we agree that decent sex will NOT always prevent a man from cheating!! For the second time, that's not what I said.

I said the inverse: a marriage without much sex is 100 times more likely the man will be looking outside.

Understand?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is your sexlife? That is the most accurate measure of a man's happiness in a marriage.

Not at all true. Many victims of cheaters are puzzled by the cheating because the sex life has been good. Good sex life doesn't prevent cheating.

Nothing can ever completely prevent cheating. But sex is a powerful motivator for men.
Who do you think is more likely to use a cheating website: the man who is sexually satisfied at home, or the a man who (every single day) feels unloved and horny?
Not blaming OP, but she claimed shock over their "happy marriage" so this seems like a pertinent question - which she chose not to answer.

I don't know the percentage of people who cheat who are in sexless or boring sex marriages versus those that are not, but there are men with very active sex lives who cheat. My husband cheated even though we had sex around 4 times a week and I was very into it and willing to both experiment with what he wanted and ask for new things myself. It was not just some boring "duty" sex. I was completely perplexed by my husband's cheating because it meant he was actually having sex with two people on the same day (he had an affair with a coworker and they would get it on during work hours, and then he would come home and be with me - it makes me very repulsed), which seemed just nuts to me. His reason for the affair - the OW made him feel important. I guess he thought I failed at that, though he didn't tell me how he felt at the time.

But even if you aren't having the best sex ever, the solution is not to cheat. The solution is to talk to your spouse and figure out what the deal is and whether it's fixable. And sometimes you might just have to not have amazing sex for a period of time, like when kids are super small, etc. Personally, I was very not into sex from between when I was five or six months pregnant to several months after having a baby. I think it is reasonable for sex to dwindle during those times - they are intense and stressful. If you can't deal with that kind of timeframe, and getting your rocks off is more important than handling a temporary drought, I think that's a character flaw. I probably sound like a peach, but the complaining about not being able to have sex during that period of life really burns me.

There is a study done... I can't remember the name but it is referenced in Shirley Glass book.

Men (not women, women have affairs for different reasons) that report having an active sex life have affairs at the same rate as men in "sexless" marriages. Also men reporting that they love their wife have affairs at the same rate as men who wish they could divorce.

Men cheat because they are insecure, have self esteem issues, lack confidence, anxiety, depression, etc. It is at the core of their self, it has very little outward influence. Of course men (and people in general) are not very self aware and look outside themselves to blame others for their conscience decision.

It's not comforting to know... that your H is going to cheat just because, but that is the truth. Individual therapy and actually caring to be a good person who makes good decisions is the only "cure" for cheating men, but if they don't see it is them, they don't think there is anything to "fix" which is why cheaters tend to continue to be cheaters.

OP, most men do not take the steps to create an account to fantasize about affairs. He is one step from the edge. Either you wait until he falls (because it sometimes take a couple of broken bones for a man to see a doctor) or you confront him now (and he denies everything, and does not think anything is wrong and blames you).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just don't understand why people are telling OP to wait until he definitely cheats. Isn't the goal to confront before he cheats? Wouldn't it be way more difficult to reconcile after he has sex with someone?

Of course the above is true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP, we agree that decent sex will NOT always prevent a man from cheating!! For the second time, that's not what I said.

I said the inverse: a marriage without much sex is 100 times more likely the man will be looking outside.

Understand?

I completely agree. The few times I cheated, my sex life with my wife was lacking. I was caught one time, I admitted what I had done. It took time, but my wife and I worked it out, with counseling and over several years. I would not cheat again, but I do not judge men when they do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP, we agree that decent sex will NOT always prevent a man from cheating!! For the second time, that's not what I said.

I said the inverse: a marriage without much sex is 100 times more likely the man will be looking outside.

Understand?

I completely agree. The few times I cheated, my sex life with my wife was lacking. I was caught one time, I admitted what I had done. It took time, but my wife and I worked it out, with counseling and over several years. I would not cheat again, but I do not judge men when they do.

No one's asking you to judge or not. The question OP had seemed to be more about what she can do in this situation. And as a cheater, looking back at the times you cheated, what could you or your wife have done to keep you from acting out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP, we agree that decent sex will NOT always prevent a man from cheating!! For the second time, that's not what I said.

I said the inverse: a marriage without much sex is 100 times more likely the man will be looking outside.

Understand?

I completely agree. The few times I cheated, my sex life with my wife was lacking. I was caught one time, I admitted what I had done. It took time, but my wife and I worked it out, with counseling and over several years. I would not cheat again, but I do not judge men when they do.

No one's asking you to judge or not. The question OP had seemed to be more about what she can do in this situation. And as a cheater, looking back at the times you cheated, what could you or your wife have done to keep you from acting out?

NP here. It reads to me like have sex more often and admire and appreciate him. And no nagging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP, we agree that decent sex will NOT always prevent a man from cheating!! For the second time, that's not what I said.

I said the inverse: a marriage without much sex is 100 times more likely the man will be looking outside.

Understand?

No. In studies, a marriage without much sex is not 100 times more likely the man will cheat, not even 2 times more likely. In reality if you have 100 marriages, 50 with no sex and 50 with tons of sex ... still 60% of men cheat in both groups: 30 men with no sex and 30 men with tons of sex cheat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP, we agree that decent sex will NOT always prevent a man from cheating!! For the second time, that's not what I said.

I said the inverse: a marriage without much sex is 100 times more likely the man will be looking outside.

Understand?

No. In studies, a marriage without much sex is not 100 times more likely the man will cheat, not even 2 times more likely. In reality if you have 100 marriages, 50 with no sex and 50 with tons of sex ... still 60% of men cheat in both groups: 30 men with no sex and 30 men with tons of sex cheat.

Even if the studies are true, which I doubt - of the 30 men with no or little sex who cheated had a reasonable sex life, how many would cheat? The answer is less.

Again, not blaming OP. And of course, there are some men (and women) who have an amazing spouse and sex life and cheat anyway. And there are also amazing people who have great values who would be faithful but cheat because they have been abandoned. All anyone can say is that if you neglect your spouse it increases the chances of infidelity. It's not rocket science.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One day in the future when we are all subjected to key loggers, GPS trackers and covert recordings of internet search histories, we will get over the fact that most people, at some point in their long marriages, have done something that would deeply hurt their partner if it was uncovered.

Put me in the willfully blind camp. If I were OP, I would evaluate the marriage, see if its something that is a net positive or negative and if its a positive, address the issue upfront and see if you can get back to your net-positive marriage. Sometimes, it seems better to be happy than to be right.

These are wise words.

+1

I tell you what: just because he was checking out a site, does not mean he is going through with it. Nobody is perfect 100% of the time in their relationships. I really think we need to give one another breathing room for...little indiscretions...and checking out a website is a little indiscretion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP, we agree that decent sex will NOT always prevent a man from cheating!! For the second time, that's not what I said.

I said the inverse: a marriage without much sex is 100 times more likely the man will be looking outside.

Understand?

No. In studies, a marriage without much sex is not 100 times more likely the man will cheat, not even 2 times more likely. In reality if you have 100 marriages, 50 with no sex and 50 with tons of sex ... still 60% of men cheat in both groups: 30 men with no sex and 30 men with tons of sex cheat.

Even if the studies are true, which I doubt - of the 30 men with no or little sex who cheated had a reasonable sex life, how many would cheat? The answer is less.

Again, not blaming OP. And of course, there are some men (and women) who have an amazing spouse and sex life and cheat anyway. And there are also amazing people who have great values who would be faithful but cheat because they have been abandoned. All anyone can say is that if you neglect your spouse it increases the chances of infidelity. It's not rocket science.

Not sure why you are so defensive about the science behind the reality. But the reality is... men with no or little sex do NOT cheat more often than men with reasonable sex lives.

Men cheat because of who they are. It has nothing to do with their wives. Just like men who drink too much drink too much, it has nothing to do with their wives nagging them, they are alcoholics, nothing the wife can do to prevent it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Not sure why you are so defensive about the science behind the reality. But the reality is... men with no or little sex do NOT cheat more often than men with reasonable sex lives.

NP - Is there a citation to these scientific studies? I haven't read the whole thread, but all I saw was reference to a Shirley Glass book which, in turn, may have cited some studies.