Found husband's profile on a "cheating" website, what do I do??

[Anonymous]

PP here again. My gut tells me if he hasn't cheated yet, he will soon. He is not just looking. He is searching. Find out why. It's not about you, and it's not too late. Why wait till he fails before trying to save the marriage? You know what you need to know now. Your husband is weak and human and possibly already cheating on you. Can you fix this together? Maybe, but it will only get harder if you wait for him to act on his stupidity. If you want confirmation in order to leave, that's another matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Childhood upbringing and attachment styles are the biggest predictor of infidelity...


http://www.helenfisher.com/downloads/articles/INFIDELITY.pdf



http://www.shirleyglass.com/introduction.htm

Interesting, the second link contains this quote:

I discovered that women’s infidelities were about unhappy marriages and falling in love with somebody else, and men’s infidelities were more about the desire for sexual excitement than because of an unhappy marriage.

But wait, this is the same author Shirley Glass who supposedly says that men don't cheat due to unsatisfying sexlife.

Dude. It's sex life. Two words. Not one. You write this all the time, and it's incorrect. Doesn't your auto correct point this out?

More of a reason that people shouldn't use their tablets/phones for this website.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are reacting to very little knowledge and mostly suspicion. There is no rush to confront. You will not change anything that has happened. Step back and examine your marriage. What is wrong in your marriage? The profile is a symptom.

Obviously something is very wrong in my marriage but I have no idea what. We argue sometimes but not often and I thought we were both happy. I won't know what's "wrong" until I talk to him.

When you talk to him, you really need to listen.

[Anonymous]

so, how did it go?

[Anonymous]

Divorce.

[Anonymous]

I think it's normal to be curious and desire sexual variety, but this should be limited to fantasy. Actually setting up a profile is a step too far. You need to talk to your husband, OP, and hash this out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are reacting to very little knowledge and mostly suspicion. There is no rush to confront. You will not change anything that has happened. Step back and examine your marriage. What is wrong in your marriage? The profile is a symptom.

Obviously something is very wrong in my marriage but I have no idea what. We argue sometimes but not often and I thought we were both happy. I won't know what's "wrong" until I talk to him.

When you talk to him, you really need to listen.

I disagree with OP's premise that some is necessarily "very wrong" in the marriage, and I don't think she should jump into the conversation with that perspective. He could simply be curious about what's on the website. Or he could desire that feeling of being exciting to someone new. Or he might like the hunt. Or he might get turned on by the implicit power play in the "sugar daddy" scene. But it is perfectly normal to feel like the things you get out of a monogamous marriage don't fulfill every single desire you have. It doesn't mean that he is going to sleep with someone else, but it most certainly means he finds that exciting in some way. So instead of accusing him of infidelity or lack of care about your marriage, why not seek to find out why he's curious? Perhaps you could turns this into an opportunity to expand the openness of your relationship about what you both desire. Maybe you could find a way for this to spice up your marriage rather than wreck it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's normal to be curious and desire sexual variety, but this should be limited to fantasy. Actually setting up a profile is a step too far. You need to talk to your husband, OP, and hash this out.

+1

I have a friend that went through this. I thought we were close, and I get it - that it is not my business, but I never really looked at the DH the same ever again. Nor the spouse, come to think of it.

Tell us what happened, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One day in the future when we are all subjected to key loggers, GPS trackers and covert recordings of internet search histories, we will get over the fact that most people, at some point in their long marriages, have done something that would deeply hurt their partner if it was uncovered.

Put me in the willfully blind camp. If I were OP, I would evaluate the marriage, see if its something that is a net positive or negative and if its a positive, address the issue upfront and see if you can get back to your net-positive marriage. Sometimes, it seems better to be happy than to be right.

OP here. I do agree with this. That's why I was contemplating saying something last night BUT if I do that then I'll always wonder if he would have done something more and I don't think I will ever 100% trust him. My hope is that I'll monitor things for a month or so and find nothing in which case I think I'll be better able to move on. I just feel so stupid for thinking he would never ever consider cheating on me. My brain tells me I'm better off discussing this now and working on our marriage rather than waiting for him to do something worse but I really don't think I can move on even with the help of therapy without knowing more.

OP, since I am anonymous, let me give you some insight into, perhaps, his thinking:

I had a couple short affairs when the kids were about the same age as your kids. One was business travel that was a one-nighter (not full sex but everything but). The other was a half-dozen meetups with a woman also in a good marriage with relatively little sex. I was uber careful to cover my tracks. Wife never found out about either.

I have what I would call a really good marriage and if you ask my wife, she says she married the best guy around. We really laugh well together, travel well, parent well, lots of love and fun and a great connection. So why did I screw around - well, probably for the same reason that many men cheat, which is the thrill, the feeling of being desired and not having the duty sex that was all that was ever on the table, the fun of exploring with someone new. Now that the kids are older, we are back to a fun, healthy sex life and I am so damn lucky I was never caught. I assume we will grow old together, happily.

I doubt wife has ever cheated on me, but I am also very cognizant that many of us can do things we wouldn't normally do. I wouldn't want to know if she did.

My sense is that your husband hasn't cheated, yet, on this site. He is probably curious, although the fact he is on a sugar baby site means he is looking for something other than just sex. He is looking for validation and an on-going relationship. That is more of a red-flag than if he was on a regular hookup app like tindr.

I think you should confront him. Men, especially, are really good at compartmentalization. You will probably scare him straight. If you truly have a good marriage, one worth saving, then wake him up to the fact that he is about to lose it all for a fling. Most men who are happy in a relationship who would cheat, wouldn't say cheating is worth it if they get caught, if that makes sense.

Yes, chances are he won't confess to an affair, even if he has had one. Chances are also that he will realize that he almost lost his family. Perhaps it leads to a deeper discussion and he can open up to you about why he was on that particular site.

I look at it this way: If you say nothing and track him, at a minimum you are going to see and find things you will never unsee and will probably end up divorced whether he actually cheats or just flirts with young girls online. If you say something now, you may cut it off before he cheats, and live happily ever after.

NP here. This is a great post. Thanks so much for sharing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are reacting to very little knowledge and mostly suspicion. There is no rush to confront. You will not change anything that has happened. Step back and examine your marriage. What is wrong in your marriage? The profile is a symptom.

Obviously something is very wrong in my marriage but I have no idea what. We argue sometimes but not often and I thought we were both happy. I won't know what's "wrong" until I talk to him.

When you talk to him, you really need to listen.

I disagree with OP's premise that some is necessarily "very wrong" in the marriage, and I don't think she should jump into the conversation with that perspective. He could simply be curious about what's on the website. Or he could desire that feeling of being exciting to someone new. Or he might like the hunt. Or he might get turned on by the implicit power play in the "sugar daddy" scene. But it is perfectly normal to feel like the things you get out of a monogamous marriage don't fulfill every single desire you have. It doesn't mean that he is going to sleep with someone else, but it most certainly means he finds that exciting in some way. So instead of accusing him of infidelity or lack of care about your marriage, why not seek to find out why he's curious? Perhaps you could turns this into an opportunity to expand the openness of your relationship about what you both desire. Maybe you could find a way for this to spice up your marriage rather than wreck it.

I totally agree with this. I am happy in my marriage but there are aspects of human sexuality that get crushed in a monogamous marriage. My guess is this is mostly about his fantasy of being admired by a young woman, and of course sex with someone new. It doesn't mean he doesn't love his wife or want to stay married. Most men who cheat are happy in the marriages. But I like the suggestion of trying to incorporate some sugar daddy role play in the bedroom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One day in the future when we are all subjected to key loggers, GPS trackers and covert recordings of internet search histories, we will get over the fact that most people, at some point in their long marriages, have done something that would deeply hurt their partner if it was uncovered.

Put me in the willfully blind camp. If I were OP, I would evaluate the marriage, see if its something that is a net positive or negative and if its a positive, address the issue upfront and see if you can get back to your net-positive marriage. Sometimes, it seems better to be happy than to be right.

OP here. I do agree with this. That's why I was contemplating saying something last night BUT if I do that then I'll always wonder if he would have done something more and I don't think I will ever 100% trust him. My hope is that I'll monitor things for a month or so and find nothing in which case I think I'll be better able to move on. I just feel so stupid for thinking he would never ever consider cheating on me. My brain tells me I'm better off discussing this now and working on our marriage rather than waiting for him to do something worse but I really don't think I can move on even with the help of therapy without knowing more.

OP, since I am anonymous, let me give you some insight into, perhaps, his thinking:

I had a couple short affairs when the kids were about the same age as your kids. One was business travel that was a one-nighter (not full sex but everything but). The other was a half-dozen meetups with a woman also in a good marriage with relatively little sex. I was uber careful to cover my tracks. Wife never found out about either.

I have what I would call a really good marriage and if you ask my wife, she says she married the best guy around. We really laugh well together, travel well, parent well, lots of love and fun and a great connection. So why did I screw around - well, probably for the same reason that many men cheat, which is the thrill, the feeling of being desired and not having the duty sex that was all that was ever on the table, the fun of exploring with someone new. Now that the kids are older, we are back to a fun, healthy sex life and I am so damn lucky I was never caught. I assume we will grow old together, happily.

I doubt wife has ever cheated on me, but I am also very cognizant that many of us can do things we wouldn't normally do. I wouldn't want to know if she did.

My sense is that your husband hasn't cheated, yet, on this site. He is probably curious, although the fact he is on a sugar baby site means he is looking for something other than just sex. He is looking for validation and an on-going relationship. That is more of a red-flag than if he was on a regular hookup app like tindr.

I think you should confront him. Men, especially, are really good at compartmentalization. You will probably scare him straight. If you truly have a good marriage, one worth saving, then wake him up to the fact that he is about to lose it all for a fling. Most men who are happy in a relationship who would cheat, wouldn't say cheating is worth it if they get caught, if that makes sense.

Yes, chances are he won't confess to an affair, even if he has had one. Chances are also that he will realize that he almost lost his family. Perhaps it leads to a deeper discussion and he can open up to you about why he was on that particular site.

I look at it this way: If you say nothing and track him, at a minimum you are going to see and find things you will never unsee and will probably end up divorced whether he actually cheats or just flirts with young girls online. If you say something now, you may cut it off before he cheats, and live happily ever after.

Very insightful. Thanks - it does explain why happily married men can have something on the side (emotional or physical).

Just curious: what if these women from your past decide they can't live with the guilt (i.e., the married woman you slept with) and tell your spouse? Does that ever keep you awake?

But

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One day in the future when we are all subjected to key loggers, GPS trackers and covert recordings of internet search histories, we will get over the fact that most people, at some point in their long marriages, have done something that would deeply hurt their partner if it was uncovered.

Put me in the willfully blind camp. If I were OP, I would evaluate the marriage, see if its something that is a net positive or negative and if its a positive, address the issue upfront and see if you can get back to your net-positive marriage. Sometimes, it seems better to be happy than to be right.

OP here. I do agree with this. That's why I was contemplating saying something last night BUT if I do that then I'll always wonder if he would have done something more and I don't think I will ever 100% trust him. My hope is that I'll monitor things for a month or so and find nothing in which case I think I'll be better able to move on. I just feel so stupid for thinking he would never ever consider cheating on me. My brain tells me I'm better off discussing this now and working on our marriage rather than waiting for him to do something worse but I really don't think I can move on even with the help of therapy without knowing more.

OP, since I am anonymous, let me give you some insight into, perhaps, his thinking:

I had a couple short affairs when the kids were about the same age as your kids. One was business travel that was a one-nighter (not full sex but everything but). The other was a half-dozen meetups with a woman also in a good marriage with relatively little sex. I was uber careful to cover my tracks. Wife never found out about either.

I have what I would call a really good marriage and if you ask my wife, she says she married the best guy around. We really laugh well together, travel well, parent well, lots of love and fun and a great connection. So why did I screw around - well, probably for the same reason that many men cheat, which is the thrill, the feeling of being desired and not having the duty sex that was all that was ever on the table, the fun of exploring with someone new. Now that the kids are older, we are back to a fun, healthy sex life and I am so damn lucky I was never caught. I assume we will grow old together, happily.

I doubt wife has ever cheated on me, but I am also very cognizant that many of us can do things we wouldn't normally do. I wouldn't want to know if she did.

My sense is that your husband hasn't cheated, yet, on this site. He is probably curious, although the fact he is on a sugar baby site means he is looking for something other than just sex. He is looking for validation and an on-going relationship. That is more of a red-flag than if he was on a regular hookup app like tindr.

I think you should confront him. Men, especially, are really good at compartmentalization. You will probably scare him straight. If you truly have a good marriage, one worth saving, then wake him up to the fact that he is about to lose it all for a fling. Most men who are happy in a relationship who would cheat, wouldn't say cheating is worth it if they get caught, if that makes sense.

Yes, chances are he won't confess to an affair, even if he has had one. Chances are also that he will realize that he almost lost his family. Perhaps it leads to a deeper discussion and he can open up to you about why he was on that particular site.

I look at it this way: If you say nothing and track him, at a minimum you are going to see and find things you will never unsee and will probably end up divorced whether he actually cheats or just flirts with young girls online. If you say something now, you may cut it off before he cheats, and live happily ever after.

Very insightful. Thanks - it does explain why happily married men can have something on the side (emotional or physical).

Just curious: what if these women from your past decide they can't live with the guilt (i.e., the married woman you slept with) and tell your spouse? Does that ever keep you awake?

But

No, I never think about it. I assume if they spoke up and ratted me out, my wife and I would deal. It wouldn't be pretty, it would shatter how she views me, but we have far more positives to outweigh an indiscretion from years ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would message him from your fake profile. See if he answers.

That's what I would do now, after having been cheated on. Get as much knowledge as you can. Arrange a meeting with him from your profile, see what kind of excuse he uses if/when he leaves for the meeting. That kind of thing.

What I might do, is arrange a meeting. Then when he should be meeting with you, send him a text telling him you need him to come home ASAP. That's when you confront him. Where did he go? Then show him printouts of the messages and tell him that profile is yours, setting him up.

This happened to a friend e a few years ago. Her sister was on Match and found her BIL's profile! I helped her and her sister create a fake profile on the site and we trapped the fucker. (We didn't use any credit cards connected to my friend's household.) She had what she needed to confront him - lots of evidence to show a lawyer.

Needless to say, the marriage didn't last. However, she got rid of him!

[Anonymous]

So awful I'm sorry. Therapy can save this. Sounds like you stumbled upon this early enough. Better than other situations when too much has already happened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't approach him yet, in a huff. Get more information first. Make a plan. You will only confront him when you have rock solid evidence, that he can't wiggle away from. otherwise the rat will make you feel crazy for having ever doubted him.

And also given him the best sex of his life tonight -- no holds barred. Then see how he reacts.

No! What if he got some disease from some other woman??