Found husband's profile on a "cheating" website, what do I do??

[Anonymous]

If you already have a profile you need to totally chat with him.
Find out if he uses a chatting app or set up a meetup or ask if he's married
Otherwise he will deny, say he was just bored and exploring and make you feel like you'll never know the truth
Ask him if he uses the site often or has met anyone else

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Childhood upbringing and attachment styles are the biggest predictor of infidelity...


http://www.helenfisher.com/downloads/articles/INFIDELITY.pdf



http://www.shirleyglass.com/introduction.htm

Interesting, the second link contains this quote:

I discovered that women’s infidelities were about unhappy marriages and falling in love with somebody else, and men’s infidelities were more about the desire for sexual excitement than because of an unhappy marriage.

But wait, this is the same author Shirley Glass who supposedly says that men don't cheat due to unsatisfying sexlife.

Dude. It's sex life. Two words. Not one. You write this all the time, and it's incorrect. Doesn't your autocorrect point this out?

[Anonymous]

OP here. It looks like he doesn't have a paid membership so he can't actually talk or message with anyone. He basically is looking at pictures. Honestly, I don't care about that, it really doesn't bother me if he wants to look at porn but why on this particular website? Aren't there better sites for porn that don't involve a website specifically for cheating?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. It looks like he doesn't have a paid membership so he can't actually talk or message with anyone. He basically is looking at pictures. Honestly, I don't care about that, it really doesn't bother me if he wants to look at porn but why on this particular website? Aren't there better sites for porn that don't involve a website specifically for cheating?

Woman here. I think it's different from porn in that these women are making themselves available so that there is a conceivable chance that he could be with one of them, know what I mean? Not saying he would, but he could have the chance if he wanted to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. It looks like he doesn't have a paid membership so he can't actually talk or message with anyone. He basically is looking at pictures. Honestly, I don't care about that, it really doesn't bother me if he wants to look at porn but why on this particular website? Aren't there better sites for porn that don't involve a website specifically for cheating?

Any chance he's baiting you to see if you are checking up on him and reading his email?

[Anonymous]

I would be honest with him. I'd tell him what you discovered but not with the intention of a confession. Instead I would lay down the law and explain you have zero tolerance for this BS. It's a good opportunity to discuss how you define cheating and ask him what his expectations are. I'd give him the benefit of the doubt and tell him you assume he was just looking. However, if you find out this craziness continues you're not sure you can stick around. That if he wants to be with these women and perhaps start a relationship (the thought of that will terrify him) then you need to go on your own way. Make him scared he'll lose his happy home.

if you go the route of sneaking around and trying to catch him you're more likely to end up with an enemy and getting divorced. If you're fine with that, then go ahead. But maybe you don't need to be "right" all the time and instead you want to save your marriage. There's a good chance your husband is simply being an idiot and needs a firm reminder of what an idiot he is and what a good thing he has at home. If you do the sneak attack method you won't be reminding him what a good thing he has at home.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP. That has to be rough to be in the same house and know he is looking at the stuff while you are in bed - as in, why couldn't he just come to bed and get some action? It's not like you've been gone for a long time or something.

I think porn is totally different than this. People in porn make it to be viewed as porn, and mostly are not accessible to date the viewers. So it's pure fantasy. To me, it's kind of like reading romance novels, but with live people. I personally don't like porn for unrelated reasons (basically, it seems exploitative), but I would not freak out if I found out that my husband was looking at porn, and I wouldn't think it as a sign of a problem in the marriage. If I found my husband on a "cheating" website, that would be a whole other ballgame. The fact that he's doing this is just not good and, to me at least, is a character flaw, though I don't know if it's minor or major.

I think asking him about is a good idea, but I think him just saying "oops" is not enough. He should explain why he was driven to do this, and commit to not doing it again and working on why it is that he went this route.

[Anonymous]

I do not understand the "wait and see, play all kinds of games" responses especially if you've had no other reason to be worried about infidelity. THIS IS YOUR HUSBAND AND FATHER OF YOUR KIDS. Go to him. Tell him what you found. Hear his response/exclamation. Take it from there! Christ, who can live being the sort of person who attaches locks and codes and hides money for the escape and sets-up phony profiles to catch him in the act. This isn't a freaking Lifetime movie, this is your EXISTENCE, act like a grown-up. Have your own integrity regardless of what he may or may not be doing.

Game players are children.

[Anonymous]

I have to say, I couldn't sit in another room and be logged into a sex-meet-up website and see my husband log on and NOT act. I'd have to go ask him why he doesn't come to bed. Study his lying face, see what a good sneak and liar he is. And after hearing his lies, I'd lay down the law, albeit in such a general way that he wouldn't know what/if I knew, but it would shake up his little fantasy world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I do not understand the "wait and see, play all kinds of games" responses especially if you've had no other reason to be worried about infidelity. THIS IS YOUR HUSBAND AND FATHER OF YOUR KIDS. Go to him. Tell him what you found. Hear his response/exclamation. Take it from there! Christ, who can live being the sort of person who attaches locks and codes and hides money for the escape and sets-up phony profiles to catch him in the act. This isn't a freaking Lifetime movie, this is your EXISTENCE, act like a grown-up. Have your own integrity regardless of what he may or may not be doing.

Game players are children.

It's very much not a game to me. If I wasn't in this position and giving advice to someone else I'd probably think the same thing as you. When I found out initially my first instinct was to confront him and discuss it. But when I had time to think about it in my gut I knew I couldn't trust what he said. If he said he was just curious and it was a 1 time thing how would I know for sure he wasn't lying and then in the future he's just going to be more careful and erase his browser history. I needed to know exactly what I am dealing with first so I know how to proceed. I'm fairly confident that at THIS point, he has no intention of taking it further. I don't know if it's just a weird curiosity or it's like porn to him. Either way, I know what I need to know now. My gut tells me that right now he has no intention of taking it further but if he continues to let his curiosity get the best of him, who knows what will happen. SO now I know I need to say something but I'm also terrified.

[Anonymous]

He may just be waiting for you to go out of town again. Will you be traveling soon? If he set it up while you were traveling, and if you know where he is much of the time (and he knows it? He may just be waiting Til you are away again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He may just be waiting for you to go out of town again. Will you be traveling soon? If he set it up while you were traveling, and if you know where he is much of the time (and he knows it? He may just be waiting Til you are away again.

It was a one time trip. I have no plans to go out of town without him again until maybe next summer. I do know where he is the large majority of the time but it wouldn't be that hard for him to ask me if he can go out for a guys night if he wanted to meet someone. He doesn't go out often though, maybe once a few times a year do it wouldn't work if he was looking for something long term but a one time thing...maybe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. It looks like he doesn't have a paid membership so he can't actually talk or message with anyone. He basically is looking at pictures. Honestly, I don't care about that, it really doesn't bother me if he wants to look at porn but why on this particular website? Aren't there better sites for porn that don't involve a website specifically for cheating?

Honestly, I think he's not talking because he hasn't figured out how to pay for it without using a credit card in his name. There are ways to do it, so maybe he just doesn't want to enough and really has no intentions of taking it further. But, maybe he just doesn't know how. Either way I think the fact that he's looking at women he would pay for companionship means he wants sex, not emotional entanglement, not divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I do not understand the "wait and see, play all kinds of games" responses especially if you've had no other reason to be worried about infidelity. THIS IS YOUR HUSBAND AND FATHER OF YOUR KIDS. Go to him. Tell him what you found. Hear his response/exclamation. Take it from there! Christ, who can live being the sort of person who attaches locks and codes and hides money for the escape and sets-up phony profiles to catch him in the act. This isn't a freaking Lifetime movie, this is your EXISTENCE, act like a grown-up. Have your own integrity regardless of what he may or may not be doing.

Game players are children.

100% agree with this. This is real life, and honest and direct is the best way to go in my book.

[Anonymous]

OP you and your husband need counseling immediately. DH cheated for several years with the same FWB. Four years and several years of intense therapy later, we are happy. Truly happy. How we got here is another story and it's not for the feint of heart. Most people can't imagine staying with someone who completely violated everything that is sacred in a marriage. I couldn't imagine staying either, and was quite righteous about such things until it happened to me. All I can say is that your husband needs help. And you need support too. Whether to stay or go will become obvious once you begin to communicate with him instead of us. Under the guidance of a professional. I learned some things about my husband that broke me heart and had nothing to do with me. More importantly, he owned the dark side that twisted his decisions and the excuses he made for his stunning betrayals. I didn't intend to stay. I intended to leave as soon as I had a good exit plan. It may be true that most men will never change. Once a cheater, always a cheater. But I believe that we all change and grow in life, some more dramatically than others. Your husband may be a jerk, or he may need help to become the man he wants to be.