Found husband's profile on a "cheating" website, what do I do??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn't think about my lady, I know that sounds kind of mean
But me and my old lady had fallen into the same old dull routine
So I wrote to the paper, took out a personal ad
And though I'm nobody's poet, I thought it wasn't half bad

Yes, I like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain
I'm not much into health food, I am into champagne
I've got to meet you by tomorrow noon and cut through all this red tape
At a bar called O'Malley's where we'll plan our escape

So I waited with high hopes and she walked in the place
I knew her smile in an instant, I knew the curve of her face
It was my own lovely lady and she said, "oh, it's you."
Then we laughed for a moment and I said, "I never knew."

Hysterical!

[Anonymous]

Was he always bald?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree with the above points.

My now -ex was conversing with call girls in cities he visited for work. I found this on computer, and he claimed it was just a fantasy, curiosity, never acted upon. I was never able to prove anything. Shamefully I stayed married to him for a few more years. We had no kids though so divorce was easy.

This same thing happened to someone I knew. She claimed to have the best marriage. I felt sorry for her when she found out. She tried to kill herself.

I don't think it was because of his cheating, it was the dirty dope hookers and not using protection. She's happily remarried, he's alone.

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to document what you know right now. I say DO NOT confront him. You said you just took a quick look. I am assuming that he either leaves his email up on the computer or you know the passwords. If either is the case, then you need to do some more investigating to see if you can find anything else. If you can, then you will come to a point where you know enough to be able to decide if you can stay married to him or not. Once you have that information, then confront him.

[Anonymous]

I would set up a fake account and chat him up.

I really believe that some guys set up accounts out of curiosity, without really intending to follow through. Even if that was the case, he should be up front about it.

[Anonymous]

You may want to consult an attorney. Snooping through his stuff could legally backfire if things get ugly.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I really appreciate all the advice. I'm going to wait and see what happens before I say something. I may be totally deluding myself but my best guess is he was curious more than he was actually going to do something but the only way I'll know for sure is if I wait and monitor things. We almost never go out without each other and he comes straight home from work every night so I really don't know when he would "do" something anyway. It doesn't mean I'm not upset because why did he even need to look. AND why did he go through the process of setting up a whole new email account just to "look." In any case I'm going to wait a few weeks and see what happens before I say anything and then I can decide what to do.

[Anonymous]

I'd probably spend the next year or two getting your ducks in a row. Open a bank account at a different bank and start putting away some money. Buy gift cards or get cash back at the grocery store. Plan your exit strategy.

Don't let one that you know. If you live in Virginia, hire a PI when you are pretty damn sure he is actually cheating. If you are in MD, don't bother with a detective as it doesn't make any difference really.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd probably spend the next year or two getting your ducks in a row. Open a bank account at a different bank and start putting away some money. Buy gift cards or get cash back at the grocery store. Plan your exit strategy.

Don't let one that you know. If you live in Virginia, hire a PI when you are pretty damn sure he is actually cheating. If you are in MD, don't bother with a detective as it doesn't make any difference really.

I'm in Maryland. Why doesn't it make a difference in Maryland?

[Anonymous]

I think it is because physical cheating in VA can speed up the divorce process. In MD, I don't believe it matters.

[Anonymous]

My H cheated during lunch.

[Anonymous]

OP, first thing you need to understand is that the anonymous folks of DCUM are going to root for your divorce. They project evil on your husband, as all they know is he is a potential cheater. Meanwhile, most would work it out with their spouse for this.

Second, there is a chance he was just flirting. But it is a dangerous first step.

The big question you two need figure out - is this an otherwise good man, good father, good husband who is making a very human mistake? Someone who in the midst of the weeds of parenting young children where the sex and romance and fun are on hold is giving in to natural temptation? Take inventory on your whole marriage - how he treats you, your children, has he been there for you. You can decide if there is a good foundation worth trying to get through this situation.

My hunch is that he wants to feel admired. That is why older men hit the sugar daddy site. If he just wanted anonymous sex, there are hookers and other cheater websites.

Whether you want to try and trap him depends on what you want, ultimately. If you want to divorce, sure, then trap him. If you want something to evolve from this, then just confront him and have the tough conversation.

Good luck to you. Only you can decide what works for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. So I found the browsing history from when he set it up and looks like he was perusing the site that night (last week when I was away) but hasn't done anything since. Unfortunately I can't just leave with 3 little children. I don't want to tell my family because I need to decide what to do. I want time to think but I also just want to confront him when the children go to sleep tonight and get it over with. But partly I'm afraid he'll say it was a one time thing but then change his passwords and be more careful with his browsing history so I won't ever know if he's being honest. Obviously at the very least we need counseling (if I even want to stay) but I don't know where to start or what to do but if I wait I don't know how to pretend everything is fine tonight.

I angrily confronted my DH a few years ago when I found out he was cheating. I regret it because I feel like I never really understood the extent of it and have had trouble trusting him ever since. I wish I had waited and nosed around some more... OP he will minimize it and you will never know if he's being completely honest. My husband claimed that what I found was everything and there was no way of knowing that for sure. He would have said that regardless because I was within an inch of filing for divorce.
Better to get as much of the full story as possible (and printed out/proven) before confrontation.
Do keep in mind that everyone deals with infidelity differently- it's okay to walk out and it's okay to decide that you and your DH can move past it. Don't let anyone tell you that you should go or stay. That's your decision. Just know that it will be difficult either way. I'm sorry that this has happened to your family.

[Anonymous]

Watch and wait. Check cell phone bill call records. Check computer history regularly and take screen shots. Check expenditures on all credit and debit cards, bank accounts, etc. Pay attention to the odometer on the car. Make copies of all important financial records - mortgage, retirement taxes, etc. I agree with other's suggestions that you catfiah him a bit. But, be careful that you don't leave a trail that he can connect back to you.

You can figure out a lot by googling phone numbers and credit card entries.

Consult an attorney. It is likely that documented evidence of cheating will make no difference in a divorce, legally-speaking (except in VA), but having enough info to make appropriate decisions and stop his gaslighting is priceless.

When you choose to confront him, do not tell him everything you know and do not tell him how you know. How he reacts to confrontation - whether he is honest and remorseful instead pf lying and denying - will tell you all you need to know about your future.

[Anonymous]

It would be tough for me to live under the same roof with this man who seems to be living a double life.

I cannot deal with betrayal, deceit and zero integrity at all.

I would confront him after the kids went to bed.

Perhaps not the ideal solution but once I know, I cannot pretend not to know.