Other parent called my kid a slur--how should I respond?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The OP says that the other parent CALLED HER KID A SLUR, right? I don't care which slur it is, it is completely inappropriate to insult children.

I'm not sure I'd speak to the parents. Anyone comfortable insulting a small child is probably not going to care that that child's same-slur parents are upset.

But my kid would never go to that house again. Period.

See, this is why I want to know the word and the context. Is this dad comfortable insulting children? Or did he use a word he didn't realize was a slur. Is this mom getting bent out of shape about "oriental" or the n word? I didn't know it was bad to use the term oriental. Now I do.

Except Oriental isn't a slur...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I did not give the actual word because it doesn't matter, and I was hoping you would just trust me that it was offensive and not "oh, he was just being folksy and cute." According to my child, she met the dad, who said "I didn't know you were a spic." I'm not asking for a debate about whether or not people who use that word are racists, I'm asking for advice about whether or not to approach a parent used a known offensive term to my child.

I would end all playdates. The mother will know why, even if she doesn't know exactly why. She knows her husband is a racist asshat, and she'll assume you also found out in some way.

I wouldn't confront them unless called out. There's no point trying to educate someone who is so hateful. I can imagine him half drunk, slurring, wiping his sweaty brow with the rolled up sleeves of his white button down shirt with ring around the collar. I can think of no circumstance that I'd ever want my kiddo in his presence again. So, not worth confronting!

I would be direct with anyone who asked why we steer clear of that family. I'd shut it all down. When I ran into the parents at pick-up or on the playground, I wouldn't attempt to "educate" them. We teach our children about consequences, then pause and wonder when a parent does something atrocious?!!! It's a vile term. Daddy Asshat doesn't need to be educated about this. He knows, and would hear directly from me why I would be keeping my child from him. Mama Asshat would also be burdened with the consequence. Zero Tolerance.

"We don't keep company with racists." Done.

Shame on him. Look at what he's cost his own child. And you're right, OP, the actual word doesn't matter. You made it clear it was a widely recognizable slur. That's sufficient.

This is why the country is so divided. Nobody is willing to just discuss stuff with each other. So now this entire family will be accused of racism, the daughter loses a friend (which doesn't hurt the dad, btw, it hurts the daughter), and all that happened was he said Hispanic and the girl misheard as 'spic.

Lol...THIS is why the country is divided? You are so funny and so sad. From the way you now seem to know exactly what was said with such certainty despite the reporting of the person who heard it and the fact that you think the problem is minority's perception of racism rather than the actual racism that happens all the time. You hear this story and feel badly for....the DAD? Smh.

That is not what I said at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The OP says that the other parent CALLED HER KID A SLUR, right? I don't care which slur it is, it is completely inappropriate to insult children.

I'm not sure I'd speak to the parents. Anyone comfortable insulting a small child is probably not going to care that that child's same-slur parents are upset.

But my kid would never go to that house again. Period.

See, this is why I want to know the word and the context. Is this dad comfortable insulting children? Or did he use a word he didn't realize was a slur. Is this mom getting bent out of shape about "oriental" or the n word? I didn't know it was bad to use the term oriental. Now I do.

Except Oriental isn't a slur...

If it's good enough to call rugs and vases, it's a good enough word to describe people /sarcasm

[Anonymous]

Why is everyone so f'ing sensitive. Sticks and stones people...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I did not give the actual word because it doesn't matter, and I was hoping you would just trust me that it was offensive and not "oh, he was just being folksy and cute." According to my child, she met the dad, who said "I didn't know you were a spic." I'm not asking for a debate about whether or not people who use that word are racists, I'm asking for advice about whether or not to approach a parent used a known offensive term to my child.

OP, a fellow Hispanic here. I would not approach the parent. I'd just stop any involvement with his family and kids.

Life is too short --spend it with people you care about, not with random haters.

You must not know the DCUM community very well.

Every post is an opportunity to ignore the question asked and instead debate and criticize its underlying premise.

[Anonymous]

Personally, I wouldn't ignore it.

It sounds like you know the mom better than the dad. I'd send her an email saying your DD enjoyed playing with her DD, but said she had a weird interaction with DD's dad. Then tell the mom what your DD said she heard.

Give her a way to save face, but make it clear that you were not willing to sweep it under the rug. Something like, "Hopefully Larla heard him wrong. That's obviously a racist and insulting word -- and a hurtul way to describe our family's heritage. We've told Larla it's not ok for her to use that word and no one should be using it to describe her, either."

I'd do it in email to avoid putting the other mom on the spot. It gives her time to think about it before/if she chooses to respond.

[Anonymous]

NP here. Bottom line is that there's a reasonable chance that this was a misunderstanding.

I'd absolutely talk to the other mom about this.

FWIW, in 45 years of living across the USA as a white male, I've personally heard the term "spic" used exactly zero times. And even the racist jerks that I've encountered would never euse a racist slur to a child--they tend to save the slurs for "like company" at the golf course, bar, etc.

[Anonymous]

I really thought you hear it yourself and not just trust your child. so your child didn't know the word, but repeated and remembered that particular word long enough to make it home and tell you? Possible she misheard? Any other words she remembers him say?
First make sure it happened the way it did then fume away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The OP says that the other parent CALLED HER KID A SLUR, right? I don't care which slur it is, it is completely inappropriate to insult children.

I'm not sure I'd speak to the parents. Anyone comfortable insulting a small child is probably not going to care that that child's same-slur parents are upset.

But my kid would never go to that house again. Period.

See, this is why I want to know the word and the context. Is this dad comfortable insulting children? Or did he use a word he didn't realize was a slur. Is this mom getting bent out of shape about "oriental" or the n word? I didn't know it was bad to use the term oriental. Now I do.

Except Oriental isn't a slur...

If it's good enough to call rugs and vases, it's a good enough word to describe people /sarcasm

NP but some people truly don't know this is bad. I had to tell my parents not to say that. My parents aren't racist and wouldn't have ever meant anyone harm. They just didn't know.

Obviously spic is rude, but just as bad as redskin or Jap.

[Anonymous]

If he's very racist, your daughter probably won't see her friend again anyway so you don't have to worry about.

I'm torn between saying something to mom and just stopping contact and only explaining if they ask. I guess it depends how close the girls are and what you're most comfortable with.

[Anonymous]

I think we have to think about what our larger goal is here. My goal would be to increase contact and understanding among different races. How does that happen? BY having MORE contact not less and being understanding but firm about insulting racial slurs. Hence,

I would somehow point out and ask about the slur and say that DD really did have a lovely time at their house and really enjoys their daughter. Be soft but honest if you can and then see what happens. This could be the start of REAL actual change.

If you get hard and firm (not pliable), the other family is likely to dig in and possibly increase their racial slurs and feelings.

YEs you are being the bigger person - but in the long run, you could really turn this family around and that would be AMAZING.

Just my two cents. So sorry about this-

[Anonymous]

I would reach out to the mom, by email, and express your concern. That gives the mom time to digest the information, figure out if it is true, apologize, etc. it also will give you an idea of if she takes it seriously. If she ignores the email or makes light of it.

I would not simply end the friendship. Even if the parents or one parent is racist, because you are losing the opportunity to show the child that people from other races are simply people. If you make ypur child stop being friends, what the other child will remember is " I cannot be friens with so and so because they are a different race." I think one of the many reasons racism exists is that instead of trying to educate , people have strong negative reactions. I get that to you the word is an obvious slur, but a lot of people are either ignorant or naive or have never been called out.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]

BTW, I'm white and [b]no, of course I wouldn't laugh if someone called my kid a cracker [/b] However, my kids aren't white so it's not going to happen -- but there ARE shades to slurs and some aren't as bad as others, and might not be worth cutting off a friend whose parent used one for (if, for example, it was less offensive, I would consider talking with the parent and trying to resolve it). [/quote]

honestly, I am white & [u]would[/u] laugh if someone called me or my kid a cracker.[/quote]

Oh, sorry, I meant I wouldn't be unhappy. I WOULD laugh. Ugh, way to be garbled, me![/quote]


I had to mediate a discussion between two 7-year-olds about whether 'cracker' is a good term to be called or not, after a showing of Pixels. I definitely had to put on my grown up face for that conversation (I was dying in the inside).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you being so vague about the slur?

second thread I’ve read lately on DCUM where person alleges a “slur” but won’t say what it is, so it is difficult to respond.

+2

The only slur I can think of that would get bleeped is the "n" word. Was it that?

Does "raghead" get bleeped? My own father called my son that.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]

BTW, I'm white and [b]no, of course I wouldn't laugh if someone called my kid a cracker [/b] However, my kids aren't white so it's not going to happen -- but there ARE shades to slurs and some aren't as bad as others, and might not be worth cutting off a friend whose parent used one for (if, for example, it was less offensive, I would consider talking with the parent and trying to resolve it). [/quote]

honestly, [b]I am white & would laugh if someone called me or my kid a cracker.[/b][/quote]

Oh, sorry, I meant I wouldn't be unhappy. I WOULD laugh. Ugh, way to be garbled, me![/quote]


I had to mediate a discussion between two 7-year-olds about whether 'cracker' is a good term to be called or not, after a showing of Pixels. I definitely had to put on my grown up face for that conversation (I was dying in the inside).[/quote]

The power dynamics are diff, hon. For a very scholarly exposition on Being White and the term "cracker" see: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6CmzT4OV-w0