Other parent called my kid a slur--how should I respond?

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]

BTW, I'm white and [b]no, of course I wouldn't laugh if someone called my kid a cracker [/b] However, my kids aren't white so it's not going to happen -- but there ARE shades to slurs and some aren't as bad as others, and might not be worth cutting off a friend whose parent used one for (if, for example, it was less offensive, I would consider talking with the parent and trying to resolve it). [/quote]

honestly, [b]I am white & would laugh if someone called me or my kid a cracker.[/b][/quote]

Oh, sorry, I meant I wouldn't be unhappy. I WOULD laugh. Ugh, way to be garbled, me![/quote]


I had to mediate a discussion between two 7-year-olds about whether 'cracker' is a good term to be called or not, after a showing of Pixels. I definitely had to put on my grown up face for that conversation (I was dying in the inside).[/quote]
[/quote]


The power dynamics are diff, hon. For a very scholarly exposition on Being White and the term "cracker" see: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6CmzT4OV-w0

[Anonymous]

That certainly is very offensive and should be addressed. It's a teaching moment for your daughter, and it's also an opportunity to address it with the family who said it so that they are clear what your boundaries are. I don't think it's fair to the kids to cut off the friendship. But it's a good time to let your daughter know about racism and how to deal with racist people, and to call out the family (after ascertaining that it did happen) for their behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I didn't know you were a spic.
I didn't know you were Hispanic.

They sound very similar. We all mishear things at times. All anyone is saying is to consider that before running around screaming racism.

What kind of person says "I didn't know you were Hispanic?" Like, even if that's what he said, and the child misheard it as a word she's never heard before (unlikely), it is still SUPER WEIRD.

+1. I am not someone who sees racism under every rock and I think too many people today are hypersensitive, but seriously, who says that kind of thing, especially to a child? Both versions are weird.

I haven't heard the term "spic" in at least a decade, and people know better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I bet this is a troll post. It's an anonymous forum- why not just say the word?

Because you are making it an issue about whether it is a slur, without even knowing the word, and it is totally irrelevant to the question of - HOW SHOULD OP RESPOND

Stop derailing already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you being so vague about the slur?

second thread I’ve read lately on DCUM where person alleges a “slur” but won’t say what it is, so it is difficult to respond.

Cracker, Jew, wetback, gringo, chink wouldn't be bleeped. There is only one word that would be.

One of these things is not like the other, one of these thins just does' belong . . . .
Seriously though, when did Jew become a slur?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I did not give the actual word because it doesn't matter, and I was hoping you would just trust me that it was offensive and not "oh, he was just being folksy and cute." According to my child, she met the dad, who said "I didn't know you were a spic." I'm not asking for a debate about whether or not people who use that word are racists, I'm asking for advice about whether or not to approach a parent used a known offensive term to my child.

Yeah I would be PISSED if this were my kid. She wouldn't be going back there and I would let the mom know exactly why next time I saw her in person.

+10000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I didn't know you were a spic.
I didn't know you were Hispanic.

They sound very similar. We all mishear things at times. All anyone is saying is to consider that before running around screaming racism.

What kind of person says "I didn't know you were Hispanic?" Like, even if that's what he said, and the child misheard it as a word she's never heard before (unlikely), it is still SUPER WEIRD.

+1. I am not someone who sees racism under every rock and I think too many people today are hypersensitive, but seriously, who says that kind of thing, especially to a child? Both versions are weird.

I haven't heard the term "spic" in at least a decade, and people know better.

I actually usually do think many things are because of racism, but I just can't imagine someone saying this to a kid. Someone so racist as to say this to a child would ensure that his daughter didn't bring home friends of XYZ race. Don't you think?

Do you have a Hispanic last name? What was the context of the conversation DD had with this dad?

[Anonymous]

OP here again. Thank you for the thoughtful responses. To clear one thing up, I truly believe that the word that was said was "spic" and not "Hispanic." DD knows she is Hispanic. She knows Latino/a. She is learning that some people are white, black, Asian, etc. But she is very aware of the term Hispanic. As far as I know, she had never heard spic before. I'll allow that it's certainly not said as often as I'm sure it once was, but it is definitely in usage these days. DD asked me "what is a spic?" I asked her if she meant Hispanic and she was firm that it was "uh-spic" and she didn't know what that was. Then I asked her how she heard it and got the story about the dad.

After I thought about it, my plan was to reach out to the mom and mention what I heard and see if she knew anything about it. Like a PP suggested, clue her in but not accuse. We've communicated on Facebook, so I went on there to message her. From there I saw the dad's page, which is full of shared anti-immigration/"illegals" posts. So I decided not to contact the mom, and not say anything. Safe to say DD will not be going over to that house anymore. I think we will probably still have the child over if DD asks (and her parents allow).

For those of you who questioned whether there was any ill intent, it's very hard to describe. I'm not one to say "you don't understand because you haven't been there," but really, I feel like those who are minorities understand in a way that white people just can't. It's hard to describe. Many new people I get to know are surprised that I "speak English so good" or have multiple college degrees, despite being born in a lowly Central American country. Or when most people assume DH, a teacher, teaches Spanish, which itself is a subtle burn--what else would he be qualified for? And he would only get that kind of job because he grew up speaking the language (meaning it wasn't the result of talent or work on his part). New neighbors assume we rent our house, and ask DH where he's from (answer: Maryland). Those things may not be mean or outwardly racist, but they do make us feel like we are looked down upon, and not fully "like" everyone else. And of course, participating in the school forums on DCUM which always have many posts ranking schools as undesirable because of a high Hispanic population, which means the kids don't speak English and the parents don't value education. MY kids are represented in those Hispanic figures, but if these many posters just look at the figures, they will assume my kids are making the school bad. It's hard not to see the racism everywhere when it truly is (almost?) everywhere.

To say you've never heard the word spic, or hardly ever hear it, well, I'm guessing nobody would ever call you that. But I've heard it plenty.

Anyway, thank you for the responses, especially those of you who understand how much words can hurt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you being so vague about the slur?

second thread I’ve read lately on DCUM where person alleges a “slur” but won’t say what it is, so it is difficult to respond.

Cracker, Jew, wetback, gringo, chink wouldn't be bleeped. There is only one word that would be.

One of these things is not like the other, one of these thins just does' belong . . . .
Seriously though, when did Jew become a slur?

I think it's a slur when used as an adjective (instead of Jewish).

[Anonymous]

Do you have a Hispanic last name? What was the context of the conversation DD had with this dad?

Our last name is Spanish, but DD's first name is not. DD and her friend were at the friend's house with mom, dad came home, friend said "This is Larla" (or whatever) dad said "I didn't know you were a spic."

I never got to meet the dad. I came to pick DD up at the right time and she was all ready, and just came right out to our car. We waved to mom and friend and left. Later on at bedtime, DD asked me about the word, and it all started.

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound like a reasonable person.You are right, there are subtleties that are difficult to explain, and honestly you don't have to.

I think the approach you have is a good one. You know now what you didn't before about this father, so take it in stride, keep it in mind when dealing with them in the future, and just brush the dust off of your shoulders. There will always be a few bad apples. Maybe one day children can build where parents still cannot. It is already happening generationally with the diversity growing in this country, but there is still a really long way to go.

I'm sorry this happened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Do you have a Hispanic last name? What was the context of the conversation DD had with this dad?

Our last name is Spanish, but DD's first name is not. DD and her friend were at the friend's house with mom, dad came home, friend said "This is Larla" (or whatever) dad said "I didn't know you were a spic."

I never got to meet the dad. I came to pick DD up at the right time and she was all ready, and just came right out to our car. We waved to mom and friend and left. Later on at bedtime, DD asked me about the word, and it all started.

This sounds like something from 1953.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you being so vague about the slur?

Stir the pot. Op likes to stir the pot.

[Anonymous]

I agree, bringing it up to the other family is pointless. I feel bad for the child though, to grow up in a house like that. Poor girl.

Hopefully your daughter won't hear that word again for a long time, or ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I did not give the actual word because it doesn't matter, and I was hoping you would just trust me that it was offensive and not "oh, he was just being folksy and cute." According to my child, she met the dad, who said "I didn't know you were a spic." I'm not asking for a debate about whether or not people who use that word are racists, I'm asking for advice about whether or not to approach a parent used a known offensive term to my child.

Hmmm, I find it a bit unbelievable that a 5 yr old would recall this as a detail to repeat. She likely met the dad for a few seconds and then went off to play. My kid is also Hispanic. If someone had said that to her at 5, it would have meant nothing to her and she wouldn't have cared. She would have zero context for the term and would assume it applied to all kids not just her specifically.

Right, the OP said her child didn't understand what the word meant. The topic of the issue is that an adult should not be using such slurs in front of children. They remember the incident.

PP, are you white and clueless because you have never experienced derogatory situations? Don't minimize it. It's real.