Other parent called my kid a slur--how should I respond?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to say something just in case there's more to the story, especially if you're like PP and plan to tell other parents about it. You're positive it was the dad? Not an uncle, neighbor, grandpa?

Why are so many people on this board so desperate to "prove" that a total stranger to them wasn't racist?

Probably because it would be horrific to say something to a child like "Oh my goodness, I had no idea you were this panda-ish" to a child wearing a top with a panda on it (far reach example here, but you get where I'm coming from) then have that child be confused because it's an odd thing to say, report it to mom as "spic," then have the whole school talking about how you are a racist. I could see something like that happening to me, as could lot of other posters. I bet that's why. Same thing with the real estate agent who closed the house early; I'm not an agent but I would be way more likely to abruptly and socially awkwardly close up something early and be rude than I would be racist, and these things get misinterpreted. YES, people are also racist. But assuming that third-handedly before approaching directly to clarify or understand isn't always best...or accurate.

Sometimes you need to be direct and confront, particularly when going solely off of the word of 5 year old. Even if that 5 year old is trustworthy, her age and understanding of life and vocabulary makes her an unreliable reporter. I do agree that this is worth a follow-up and speculation though.

....so you think it is more likely that a man said "panda" to a Hispanic child, than using an ethnic slur for Hispanics to a Hispanic child?

Here's the thing - it might be more likely that YOU said "panda" but racists gonna racist. If the child said that they heard "spic" out of all the words in the world, I'm guessing that's exactly what she heard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to say something just in case there's more to the story, especially if you're like PP and plan to tell other parents about it. You're positive it was the dad? Not an uncle, neighbor, grandpa?

Why are so many people on this board so desperate to "prove" that a total stranger to them wasn't racist?

Probably because it would be horrific to say something to a child like "Oh my goodness, I had no idea you were this panda-ish" to a child wearing a top with a panda on it (far reach example here, but you get where I'm coming from) then have that child be confused because it's an odd thing to say, report it to mom as "spic," then have the whole school talking about how you are a racist. I could see something like that happening to me, as could lot of other posters. I bet that's why. Same thing with the real estate agent who closed the house early; I'm not an agent but I would be way more likely to abruptly and socially awkwardly close up something early and be rude than I would be racist, and these things get misinterpreted. YES, people are also racist. But assuming that third-handedly before approaching directly to clarify or understand isn't always best...or accurate.

Sometimes you need to be direct and confront, particularly when going solely off of the word of 5 year old. Even if that 5 year old is trustworthy, her age and understanding of life and vocabulary makes her an unreliable reporter. I do agree that this is worth a follow-up and speculation though.

....so you think it is more likely that a man said "panda" to a Hispanic child, than using an ethnic slur for Hispanics to a Hispanic child?

Here's the thing - it might be more likely that YOU said "panda" but racists gonna racist. If the child said that they heard "spic" out of all the words in the world, I'm guessing that's exactly what she heard.

I didn't know you were a spic.
I didn't know you were Hispanic.

They sound very similar. We all mishear things at times. All anyone is saying is to consider that before running around screaming racism.

[Anonymous]

OP, if I were you, I'd really want to meet the guy. In part because I am insatiably curious and would want to satisfy my curiosity about whether the guy is actually that big of a jerk, or whether its possible my child misheard. My guess is that, if he really is the kind of a-hole that would call a 5-year old that, you would know it within 2 minutes of meeting him (especially if you have a Latina name and/or look Latina). Just go up to him at a school event and say "Hi, I'm xxx, Larla's mom. You're Karla's dad, right? They're in the same class." and see what he does.
It could be that he has an awful speech impediment or a super-strong accent, or it could be he's a total racist jerk. I would really want to know, though.

[Anonymous]

I didn't know you were a spic.
I didn't know you were Hispanic.

They sound very similar. We all mishear things at times. All anyone is saying is to consider that before running around screaming racism.

What kind of person says "I didn't know you were Hispanic?" Like, even if that's what he said, and the child misheard it as a word she's never heard before (unlikely), it is still SUPER WEIRD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I didn't know you were a spic.
I didn't know you were Hispanic.

They sound very similar. We all mishear things at times. All anyone is saying is to consider that before running around screaming racism.

What kind of person says "I didn't know you were Hispanic?" Like, even if that's what he said, and the child misheard it as a word she's never heard before (unlikely), it is still SUPER WEIRD.

My white, blonde Colombian friend gets this a lot and it's not in a racist or mean spirited way. I'm a dark hair, dark skinned Latina so when you look at me it's duh. But yeah, it can be said a lot with out any racist undertones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even if he DID say Hispanic....wtf?

+10000

Even if he said "I didn't know you were Hispanic." that's not any better than "I didn't know you were a spic." What is wrong with you people?

Really? Sure, I think it would be weird for someone to say, "I didn't know you were Hispanic." because, well, who cares. But it is much worse to say, "I didn't know you were a spic." Hispanic is a term to properly identify a race. Spic is a horrible offensive slur.

"I didn't know you had red hair" not an insult. "I didn't know you were Hispanic" not an insult. "I didn't know you were a spic" is an insult, but not one anyone uses. To a 5 year old? If an adult actually said that, no way would my child go over there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I didn't know you were a spic.
I didn't know you were Hispanic.

They sound very similar. We all mishear things at times. All anyone is saying is to consider that before running around screaming racism.

What kind of person says "I didn't know you were Hispanic?" Like, even if that's what he said, and the child misheard it as a word she's never heard before (unlikely), it is still SUPER WEIRD.

+1

He was talking to a 5yo. There is no way this was just some innocent observation and the child misheard. Who says that?!

I wouldn't go around screaming racism, but my kid would never go there again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I didn't know you were a spic.
I didn't know you were Hispanic.

They sound very similar. We all mishear things at times. All anyone is saying is to consider that before running around screaming racism.

What kind of person says "I didn't know you were Hispanic?" Like, even if that's what he said, and the child misheard it as a word she's never heard before (unlikely), it is still SUPER WEIRD.

Someone who is socially awkward but not necessarily racist. It is weird, I will admit that. I don't know how I would react if upon meeting me someone said "I didn't know you were white." I would think weird and awkward, but I wouldn't assume they were racist and I wouldn't run around telling other families about it or cut off my daughter's friendship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:REally tough situation.

I think I'd talk to the mom and phrase it in a really nice way '... like "Josie came home and thought she heard X say '____' to her. Josie really likes playing with your daughter, but that word is really hurtful and has a very demeaning history. I hope that X didn't really say that, but I'm not sure what to do b/c I don't want my daughter to think it is o.k. to be called ___."

You are giving Mom a way to apologize and agree with you that it is totally out of line.... yet you are not saying you know for absolute fact that it happened. Mom probably knows whether dad uses that term. Let her take it from there.

Why would you talk to the mom when it was the dad who allegedly said it? I don't follow your reasoning at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The OP says that the other parent CALLED HER KID A SLUR, right? I don't care which slur it is, it is completely inappropriate to insult children.

I'm not sure I'd speak to the parents. Anyone comfortable insulting a small child is probably not going to care that that child's same-slur parents are upset.

But my kid would never go to that house again. Period.

See, this is why I want to know the word and the context. Is this dad comfortable insulting children? Or did he use a word he didn't realize was a slur. Is this mom getting bent out of shape about "oriental" or the n word? I didn't know it was bad to use the term oriental. Now I do.

Except Oriental isn't a slur...

[Anonymous]

Maybe the Dad was talking about Washington's professional football team? You know, the one with a racial slur as a name?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:REally tough situation.

I think I'd talk to the mom and phrase it in a really nice way '... like "Josie came home and thought she heard X say '____' to her. Josie really likes playing with your daughter, but that word is really hurtful and has a very demeaning history. I hope that X didn't really say that, but I'm not sure what to do b/c I don't want my daughter to think it is o.k. to be called ___."

You are giving Mom a way to apologize and agree with you that it is totally out of line.... yet you are not saying you know for absolute fact that it happened. Mom probably knows whether dad uses that term. Let her take it from there.

Why would you talk to the mom when it was the dad who allegedly said it? I don't follow your reasoning at all.

Becausr she knows the mom but not the dad. What would she say, ask the mom for her husbands phone number? Besides, this is a family problem (dad being asshole to guests) that maybe mom can fix. For another kid, at least, as mine wouldn't be going back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it's 'highly likely' that she heard Hispanic. Presumably, being a Hispanic child, she has heard the word 'Hispanic' and can tell the difference between that and 'spic'.

I wouldn't give the benefit of the doubt - in no universe does that guy not know that 'spic' is offensive. I'd allow the friend to come to my house and that's it. If the mom asked, I'd flat out tell her. I don't think it's worth a confrontation unless she brings it up.

+1. For anyone to suggest otherwise is ridiculous.

I wouldn't let that child over to my house though. She's being raised by that man.

PP here - I disagree. Be kind and welcoming to the child. She's done nothing wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I did not give the actual word because it doesn't matter, and I was hoping you would just trust me that it was offensive and not "oh, he was just being folksy and cute." According to my child, she met the dad, who said "I didn't know you were a spic." I'm not asking for a debate about whether or not people who use that word are racists, I'm asking for advice about whether or not to approach a parent used a known offensive term to my child.

I would end all playdates. The mother will know why, even if she doesn't know exactly why. She knows her husband is a racist asshat, and she'll assume you also found out in some way.

I wouldn't confront them unless called out. There's no point trying to educate someone who is so hateful. I can imagine him half drunk, slurring, wiping his sweaty brow with the rolled up sleeves of his white button down shirt with ring around the collar. I can think of no circumstance that I'd ever want my kiddo in his presence again. So, not worth confronting!

I would be direct with anyone who asked why we steer clear of that family. I'd shut it all down. When I ran into the parents at pick-up or on the playground, I wouldn't attempt to "educate" them. We teach our children about consequences, then pause and wonder when a parent does something atrocious?!!! It's a vile term. Daddy Asshat doesn't need to be educated about this. He knows, and would hear directly from me why I would be keeping my child from him. Mama Asshat would also be burdened with the consequence. Zero Tolerance.

"We don't keep company with racists." Done.

Shame on him. Look at what he's cost his own child. And you're right, OP, the actual word doesn't matter. You made it clear it was a widely recognizable slur. That's sufficient.

This is why the country is so divided. Nobody is willing to just discuss stuff with each other. So now this entire family will be accused of racism, the daughter loses a friend (which doesn't hurt the dad, btw, it hurts the daughter), and all that happened was he said Hispanic and the girl misheard as 'spic.

Lol...THIS is why the country is divided? You are so funny and so sad. From the way you now seem to know exactly what was said with such certainty despite the reporting of the person who heard it and the fact that you think the problem is minority's perception of racism rather than the actual racism that happens all the time. You hear this story and feel badly for....the DAD? Smh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If my child heard the n word from a parent on a play date, that would be the end of the friendship outside of school.

any other slur, I would be unhappy but not incensed.

I'm white - and I agree.

My child is not of an age to hear that word (and for me to explain it).