Other parent called my kid a slur--how should I respond?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So most people here are advocating shunning a 5 year old girl (the friend) because of the unproven comments of the father? I find that outrageous and beyond tragic for the girl. A girl in her situation (with a possibly clueless or worse, racist father) more than anything needs diversity in her life so that she can stand on a foundation of friendships her own making and tell her dad, one day, to shove it.

Minorities do not exist for the enrichment or betterment of White people. White people are responsible for their own enlightenment.

Continuing a friendship of a child is not enriching White people, it's being a friend.

PP's argument was that the white girl "needs diversity in her life." That's basically asking the OP to sacrifice her own child for the education/edification of the white child. No. No thank you. No.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Geez, PPs. "Well, I've never heard it, so..." Yeah, are you Latino? I'd never seen a cab not stop for black people before I was with my black friends, either.

+1 Some people on DCUM seem to have limited social circles.

We're such losers that we only are friends with people who would never such things to a child, and probably not to an adult. We should broaden our social circles to include bigots, jerks, racists, and morons, obviously.

You don't need to be friends with bigots, jerks, racists, and morons, but it would be nice if you at least acknowledged they exist. The (non-hispanic) PPs are like "Well, I've never heard it, so I'm sure the OP's daughter didn't hear it." Do you see the problem with that statement? Do you see why your response isn't warranted?

Limited social circles poster could also be referring to not knowing people who've been on the receiving end of bigotry too.

That's how I read it. i.e. The people who keep trying to find excuses for the father may not know many people of color.

People weren't trying to find excuses for the father. They were asking for more information. Which was finally followed up with more information that explained the situation better and helped everyone understand that it truly was not a misunderstanding. There's nothing wrong with asking for more information. In fact, it's really crappy to rush to judgement without all facts. It's not the same as sticking up for him or saying he isn't racist. Innocent until proven guilty. I think we've gotten enough info at this point to see the dude is a racist.

So the default is that a person of color has to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that they actually heard a racial slur? Because in the opinion of white people, racial slurs just aren't used openly anymore? Right ...

You're being obtuse (deliberately, I hope).

A five year-old's account of what they ate for breakfast is unreliable.

Most people do not direct racial slurs to their children's friends.

It would be very easy for a five year-old to confuse "Hispanic" and "spic".

Given these facts, there was a reasonable possibility that this was a misunderstanding. OP's subsequent insight on father's political views made this (unfortunately) less likely. But given the facts here, further exploration was clearly warranted before jumping to conclusions.

That's all.

Most people do not direct racial slurs to their children's friends.
You assume he even views the word as a slur.

It would be very easy for a five year-old to confuse "Hispanic" and "spic".
I've been trying to see this point, and I just don't. How could the child mistake "Hispanic" for "a spic" if she'd never heard the latter before? If anything "a spic" would be mistaken for "Hispanic" (and she wouldn't have brought it up with her mother), not the other way around.

Well we watched the news and it had trump rally clips. Days later, in a mostly presumably immigrant salon, DD getting her hair cut (4 year old), says "Donald Trump for President, get em out get em out lock em up lick em up." Pointing around. Now the news clip showed trump pointing for protestors saying tk get them out etc, not immigrants. Secondly, i told DD we dont like Trump because he does not like us arabs. So, this is how a young child can come up with random stuff not PC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Geez, PPs. "Well, I've never heard it, so..." Yeah, are you Latino? I'd never seen a cab not stop for black people before I was with my black friends, either.

+1 Some people on DCUM seem to have limited social circles.

We're such losers that we only are friends with people who would never such things to a child, and probably not to an adult. We should broaden our social circles to include bigots, jerks, racists, and morons, obviously.

You don't need to be friends with bigots, jerks, racists, and morons, but it would be nice if you at least acknowledged they exist. The (non-hispanic) PPs are like "Well, I've never heard it, so I'm sure the OP's daughter didn't hear it." Do you see the problem with that statement? Do you see why your response isn't warranted?

Limited social circles poster could also be referring to not knowing people who've been on the receiving end of bigotry too.

That's how I read it. i.e. The people who keep trying to find excuses for the father may not know many people of color.

People weren't trying to find excuses for the father. They were asking for more information. Which was finally followed up with more information that explained the situation better and helped everyone understand that it truly was not a misunderstanding. There's nothing wrong with asking for more information. In fact, it's really crappy to rush to judgement without all facts. It's not the same as sticking up for him or saying he isn't racist. Innocent until proven guilty. I think we've gotten enough info at this point to see the dude is a racist.

So the default is that a person of color has to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that they actually heard a racial slur? Because in the opinion of white people, racial slurs just aren't used openly anymore? Right ...

You're being obtuse (deliberately, I hope).

A five year-old's account of what they ate for breakfast is unreliable.

Most people do not direct racial slurs to their children's friends.

It would be very easy for a five year-old to confuse "Hispanic" and "spic".

Given these facts, there was a reasonable possibility that this was a misunderstanding. OP's subsequent insight on father's political views made this (unfortunately) less likely. But given the facts here, further exploration was clearly warranted before jumping to conclusions.

That's all.

Most people do not direct racial slurs to their children's friends.
You assume he even views the word as a slur.

It would be very easy for a five year-old to confuse "Hispanic" and "spic".
I've been trying to see this point, and I just don't. How could the child mistake "Hispanic" for "a spic" if she'd never heard the latter before? If anything "a spic" would be mistaken for "Hispanic" (and she wouldn't have brought it up with her mother), not the other way around.

Quoted PP here. Your second point is really interesting and persuasive. I assumed possible confusion simply because the words sound alike, but you're absolutely right about implications of kid's prior lack of exposure.

Thanks for making me re-think.

You still aren't seeing your own fundamental mistake: operating from the premise that racism does not exist and is not often expressed out loud. It i, and that is what the actual people of color on this thread are trying to tell you. You're approaching this like it is some bloodless logic puzzle, but you can't just assume all your assumptions are correct.

You've fundamentally misunderstood my premises. Nowhere did I state either of the sentiments attributed to me in your first sentence.

In light of this, I'm afraid that further dialogue won't be productive.

Best,

PP, (who also happens to be the father of biracial children)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So most people here are advocating shunning a 5 year old girl (the friend) because of the unproven comments of the father? I find that outrageous and beyond tragic for the girl. A girl in her situation (with a possibly clueless or worse, racist father) more than anything needs diversity in her life so that she can stand on a foundation of friendships her own making and tell her dad, one day, to shove it.

Minorities do not exist for the enrichment or betterment of White people. White people are responsible for their own enlightenment.

Continuing a friendship of a child is not enriching White people, it's being a friend.

The OP said her daughter's friend could come over to their house but that the daughter would not go to her friend's house anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So most people here are advocating shunning a 5 year old girl (the friend) because of the unproven comments of the father? I find that outrageous and beyond tragic for the girl. A girl in her situation (with a possibly clueless or worse, racist father) more than anything needs diversity in her life so that she can stand on a foundation of friendships her own making and tell her dad, one day, to shove it.

Minorities do not exist for the enrichment or betterment of White people. White people are responsible for their own enlightenment.

Continuing a friendship of a child is not enriching White people, it's being a friend.

Everyone should act in the best interest of their own child. Distancing a child from a family where there is messaging that is offensive is perfectly reasonable. I have distanced my child from other children and their families because I don't like some of the things I have heard from the adults. Honestly I don't want their baggage/prejudices/hatred to influence my child.

[Anonymous]

Asian-American here. While no parent has called me a racial slur to my face, I have played with friends with obviously racist parents. Back in the 80's and 90's, there was a lot of ignorance towards Asians. My parents were immigrants and there was a general negative attitude towards them. This actually really pissed me off as a child and I studied my ass off.

They were still my friends. I just thought their ignorant parents were idiots.

I don't think you need to end friendships over a racial slur. Your child is bound to face racism. You can't write everyone off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you being so vague about the slur?

second thread I’ve read lately on DCUM where person alleges a “slur” but won’t say what it is, so it is difficult to respond.

Cracker, Jew, wetback, gringo, chink wouldn't be bleeped. There is only one word that would be.

One of these things is not like the other, one of these thins just does' belong . . . .
Seriously though, when did Jew become a slur?

It's a slur when you Jew someone down in price. I hear that all the time.

Really?! I thought that went out in the 60s or 70s. Wow. Where are you that you hear it all the time?

I am Jewish and have never heard an anti-Semitic slur spoken to my face or within my hearing. I have read plenty, of course. I have never heard a racial slur, either, with the exception of "Oriental" used by my grandparents. I had to look up the term "spic." I'd heard of it but wasn't sure which group it denominated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you being so vague about the slur?

second thread I’ve read lately on DCUM where person alleges a “slur” but won’t say what it is, so it is difficult to respond.

Cracker, Jew, wetback, gringo, chink wouldn't be bleeped. There is only one word that would be.

One of these things is not like the other, one of these thins just does' belong . . . .
Seriously though, when did Jew become a slur?

It's a slur when you Jew someone down in price. I hear that all the time.

Really?! I thought that went out in the 60s or 70s. Wow. Where are you that you hear it all the time?

I am Jewish and have never heard an anti-Semitic slur spoken to my face or within my hearing. I have read plenty, of course. I have never heard a racial slur, either, with the exception of "Oriental" used by my grandparents. I had to look up the term "spic." I'd heard of it but wasn't sure which group it denominated.

PP above and meant to say that I don't doubt these terms are used frequently. Just that I have been fortunate not to encounter them.

If I were OP I like to think I'd confront the parent. But in the real world I doubt I would say anything at all unless asked directly. I would, however, teach my daughter to say "don't call me that" or "don't use that word" if she encounters it again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you being so vague about the slur?

second thread I’ve read lately on DCUM where person alleges a “slur” but won’t say what it is, so it is difficult to respond.

Cracker, Jew, wetback, gringo, chink wouldn't be bleeped. There is only one word that would be.

One of these things is not like the other, one of these thins just does' belong . . . .
Seriously though, when did Jew become a slur?

It's a slur when you Jew someone down in price. I hear that all the time.

Really?! I thought that went out in the 60s or 70s. Wow. Where are you that you hear it all the time?

I am Jewish and have never heard an anti-Semitic slur spoken to my face or within my hearing. I have read plenty, of course. I have never heard a racial slur, either, with the exception of "Oriental" used by my grandparents. I had to look up the term "spic." I'd heard of it but wasn't sure which group it denominated.

Above Asian-American poster here. The other day, a mom referred to my mixed Asian child as Oriental. I didn't feel offended because the mom wasn't trying to be offensive. She had no idea it was not PC. My child did not notice. I didn't mention it. If the parents don't make it a big deal, it doesn't have to be a big deal.

We live in a diverse area. I hear a lot of negative conversations regarding poor African-Americans, Hispanics and recent Arab immigrants. No one uses racial slurs but it is highly offensive. These racist opinions exist whether you hear a racist slur or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you being so vague about the slur?

second thread I’ve read lately on DCUM where person alleges a “slur” but won’t say what it is, so it is difficult to respond.

Cracker, Jew, wetback, gringo, chink wouldn't be bleeped. There is only one word that would be.

One of these things is not like the other, one of these thins just does' belong . . . .
Seriously though, when did Jew become a slur?

It's a slur when you Jew someone down in price. I hear that all the time.

Really?! I thought that went out in the 60s or 70s. Wow. Where are you that you hear it all the time?

I am Jewish and have never heard an anti-Semitic slur spoken to my face or within my hearing. I have read plenty, of course. I have never heard a racial slur, either, with the exception of "Oriental" used by my grandparents. I had to look up the term "spic." I'd heard of it but wasn't sure which group it denominated.

I don't hear it "all the time." But probably every couple of years. I grew up in Maryland alsuburbs of Baltimore, and I'm white and Christian. By virtue of being white, other white people regularly say racist things to me assuming I am in solidarity with them just because I am white. I absolutely can see this dad saying shit to a five year old, thinking she won't get it. I am PP who said my own father called my kid a raghead (I'm married to an Arab). Many white people say racist and bigoted stuff to each other ALL THE TIME. Not all of course. But there's a reason I moved from where I did.

I call it out when they do. But Daddy Trump Supporter here is likely emboldened by the heightened levels of accepted bigotry brought out by this campaign. I kind of doubt he's got many in his life who would tell him to keep it zipped.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you being so vague about the slur?

second thread I’ve read lately on DCUM where person alleges a “slur” but won’t say what it is, so it is difficult to respond.

Cracker, Jew, wetback, gringo, chink wouldn't be bleeped. There is only one word that would be.

One of these things is not like the other, one of these thins just does' belong . . . .
Seriously though, when did Jew become a slur?

It's a slur when you Jew someone down in price. I hear that all the time.

Really?! I thought that went out in the 60s or 70s. Wow. Where are you that you hear it all the time?

I am Jewish and have never heard an anti-Semitic slur spoken to my face or within my hearing. I have read plenty, of course. I have never heard a racial slur, either, with the exception of "Oriental" used by my grandparents. I had to look up the term "spic." I'd heard of it but wasn't sure which group it denominated.

I don't hear it "all the time." But probably every couple of years. I grew up in Maryland alsuburbs of Baltimore, and I'm white and Christian. By virtue of being white, other white people regularly say racist things to me assuming I am in solidarity with them just because I am white. I absolutely can see this dad saying shit to a five year old, thinking she won't get it. I am PP who said my own father called my kid a raghead (I'm married to an Arab). Many white people say racist and bigoted stuff to each other ALL THE TIME. Not all of course. But there's a reason I moved from where I did.

I call it out when they do. But Daddy Trump Supporter here is likely emboldened by the heightened levels of accepted bigotry brought out by this campaign. I kind of doubt he's got many in his life who would tell him to keep it zipped.

PP again. Sorry to bust on this dad as a trump supporter. I though OP had said that somewhere but I see another poster mentioned Trump.

In my own life, all my extended birth family are voting for Trump, and also have a high tolerance for bigotry. I tend to conflate the two.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Geez, PPs. "Well, I've never heard it, so..." Yeah, are you Latino? I'd never seen a cab not stop for black people before I was with my black friends, either.

+1 Some people on DCUM seem to have limited social circles.

So interesting that you make these assumptions. I'm one of the "never heard it" PPs, but have very broad social circles.

I have lived all over the US and have interacted meaningfully with just about every kind of person out there--from the wealthiest families in the world to red-dirt farmers in the rural South, and from Tea Party nutjobs to hard-core La Raza activists. Never heard it.

Bottom line is that in my experience (an experience shared by my family members of other races/ethnic backgrounds), very, very few people openly use racial slurs.

I'm sorry, do your friends and family of different backgrounds recount every interaction they've had to you? Or did you do a poll before commenting?

The fact no one has mentioned being called "spic" to you doesn't mean they've never been called it, or even that they've never said it; it just means they've never said it or mentioned hearing it in front of you. Please don't confuse those things.

[Anonymous]

Wow. I'm a 50/50 mexican/whitey mix and I just had to google "spic" - I'm 33 years old and all these years I thought "spic" was an insult to Italian people. #themoreyouknow

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So most people here are advocating shunning a 5 year old girl (the friend) because of the unproven comments of the father? I find that outrageous and beyond tragic for the girl. A girl in her situation (with a possibly clueless or worse, racist father) more than anything needs diversity in her life so that she can stand on a foundation of friendships her own making and tell her dad, one day, to shove it.

Minorities do not exist for the enrichment or betterment of White people. White people are responsible for their own enlightenment.

Continuing a friendship of a child is not enriching White people, it's being a friend.

PP's argument was that the white girl "needs diversity in her life." That's basically asking the OP to sacrifice her own child for the education/edification of the white child. No. No thank you. No.

What a sick and twisted interpretation. That was not pps argument. The argument is why make the child pay for the unproven sins of the father! "Sacrifice her child?" Omg!!! You people are sick and racist while ironically being offended at other people's racism! We are talking about 5 year olds! Reality check please.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Geez, PPs. "Well, I've never heard it, so..." Yeah, are you Latino? I'd never seen a cab not stop for black people before I was with my black friends, either.

+1 Some people on DCUM seem to have limited social circles.

So interesting that you make these assumptions. I'm one of the "never heard it" PPs, but have very broad social circles.

I have lived all over the US and have interacted meaningfully with just about every kind of person out there--from the wealthiest families in the world to red-dirt farmers in the rural South, and from Tea Party nutjobs to hard-core La Raza activists. Never heard it.

Bottom line is that in my experience (an experience shared by my family members of other races/ethnic backgrounds), very, very few people openly use racial slurs.

I'm sorry, do your friends and family of different backgrounds recount every interaction they've had to you? Or did you do a poll before commenting?

The fact no one has mentioned being called "spic" to you doesn't mean they've never been called it, or even that they've never said it; it just means they've never said it or mentioned hearing it in front of you. Please don't confuse those things.

Please don't presume to have insight into the substance of my interactions. I've heard (or heard about) altogether too many vile, racist comments and acts to be under any illusions.

However, the point here was a very narrow and focused one: in my experience and the experiences of my friends and family, very few people use the slur "spic" and even fewer would do so directly to a child.

Does anyone here disagree with this? Do YOU believe that it's common or usual for people to use the slur directly to children? Have YOU heard or seen this?