Other parent called my kid a slur--how should I respond?

[Anonymous]

DD is in kindergarten, and we are part of a certain racial/ethnic group. She had a playdate recently with another girl, whom she’s played with all year, and on the way home, I learned that the girl’s father used an offensive slur to DD. The slur is known to be offensive, would be bleeped on TV, and refers to our group. While I know that children, especially 5-year-olds, are not reliable reporters, I 100% believe that this interaction took place. DD repeated the slur, not knowing what it meant, and we talked about how it was not a nice thing to say and that she was never to say it again. This all happened yesterday evening.

I do not know how to handle it with the other parents. I’ve never met the dad, but the mom seems nice enough in the interactions we’ve had. The girl has come to our home a couple of times, but this was the first time DD went over there. When I first heard what happened, I was so steamed I knew I had to wait before deciding how to react. Now that I’m calm, I still don’t know what to do. Confront the parents and call them out? Take a softer approach and let them know that the language is hurtful? (guessing they probably already know that). Talk to the dad directly, or go through the mom? Ignore it and pretend it doesn’t bother us? Email, phone call, face to face? What to say exactly? I’m just all over the place with this, I know. I figured DD would face this kind of prejudice at various points in her life, but it makes me so sad that it happened so young. And of course I’m angry that a grown man thinks it’s totally okay to use that language when speaking to a 5-year-old.

Looking for advice--What should I do now?

[Anonymous]

Did he call her a cracker directly or talk about crackers while knowing she's obviously one? There's a distinction there, and I'd handle each differently.

[Anonymous]

Oooooooh. Thank goodness you waited.

I would call the mother and tell her that DD had a lovely time at her house except that she reported the father saying X. Did it really happen, and was he referring specifically to DD?

She will likely deny it. If she does, and you meet the husband, you should ask him directly to his face whether he said this.
If either of them say yes they did, then you should ask calmly for an apology.

I don't think you should pursue playdates for a while with this family.

[Anonymous]

Why are you being so vague about the slur?

[Anonymous]

REally tough situation.

I think I'd talk to the mom and phrase it in a really nice way '... like "Josie came home and thought she heard X say '____' to her. Josie really likes playing with your daughter, but that word is really hurtful and has a very demeaning history. I hope that X didn't really say that, but I'm not sure what to do b/c I don't want my daughter to think it is o.k. to be called ___."

You are giving Mom a way to apologize and agree with you that it is totally out of line.... yet you are not saying you know for absolute fact that it happened. Mom probably knows whether dad uses that term. Let her take it from there.

[Anonymous]

Why would you send a 5 year old to their house without getting to know them? I'd leave it alone as you are not going to change him and not allow her over there anymore. If mom asks why, then you tell her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you being so vague about the slur?

second thread I’ve read lately on DCUM where person alleges a “slur” but won’t say what it is, so it is difficult to respond.

[Anonymous]

What is the slur? Because "cracker" and the n word are different worlds here.

Just post the word (or hint at it). If the parent didn't say it and happens to read this, they will have no idea it was them. If they said it, they deserve to feel bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:REally tough situation.

I think I'd talk to the mom and phrase it in a really nice way '... like "Josie came home and thought she heard X say '____' to her. Josie really likes playing with your daughter, but that word is really hurtful and has a very demeaning history. I hope that X didn't really say that, but I'm not sure what to do b/c I don't want my daughter to think it is o.k. to be called ___."

You are giving Mom a way to apologize and agree with you that it is totally out of line.... yet you are not saying you know for absolute fact that it happened. Mom probably knows whether dad uses that term. Let her take it from there.

I would do this, via email. It gives the mom - who as far as we know, didn't do anything wrong - a way to save face with you while also conveying what you need to share so she can resolve it with her husband, if it happened. Regardless, don't send your child back there.

It's so hard to imagine a situation/conversation where this occurred. Context and specifics would be very helpful here.

[Anonymous]

My child has a great friendship with a girl who's father is antisemetic. He blames Jews for so many things. Luckily the girl knows he is a jerk. We allow playdates at that house when we know he is at work. Otherwise the girls come here. It's a different because the girl simply repeated what her crazy dad said to illustrate how prejudice he is and my kid didn't hear directly. If the father had said it in front of my kid I probably would proceed the same way and have a discussion with kid about prejudice. I cannot imagine confronting a bigot or complaining to the spouse, but I tend to not be confrontational.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you being so vague about the slur?

second thread I’ve read lately on DCUM where person alleges a “slur” but won’t say what it is, so it is difficult to respond.

+2

The only slur I can think of that would get bleeped is the "n" word. Was it that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you being so vague about the slur?

second thread I’ve read lately on DCUM where person alleges a “slur” but won’t say what it is, so it is difficult to respond.

What difference does it make? It's a racial slur. Often times, there are words that have multiple meanings, and people get hung up on the acceptable meanings instead of realizing that it's a historically racist word. Op isn't asking if she should be offended, she's asking how to handle the offensive situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you being so vague about the slur?

second thread I’ve read lately on DCUM where person alleges a “slur” but won’t say what it is, so it is difficult to respond.

Cracker, Jew, wetback, gringo, chink wouldn't be bleeped. There is only one word that would be.

[Anonymous]

If my child heard the n word from a parent on a play date, that would be the end of the friendship outside of school.

any other slur, I would be unhappy but not incensed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you being so vague about the slur?

second thread I’ve read lately on DCUM where person alleges a “slur” but won’t say what it is, so it is difficult to respond.

What difference does it make? It's a racial slur. Often times, there are words that have multiple meanings, and people get hung up on the acceptable meanings instead of realizing that it's a historically racist word. Op isn't asking if she should be offended, she's asking how to handle the offensive situation.

So we can decide if the word is obviously a racial slur or not. Could be the dad said something he didn't realize was not okay.