S/O Elder care for parents who didn't provide child care

[Anonymous]

When you say she won't provide child care for your children, are we talking about fulltime care or occasional babysitting for a night out or in a pinch care (a few times a month)? I looked through most of the posts and did not find it, I apologize if you have addressed already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one owes anyone anything. I will raise my children the best I can, pay for them to attend college, but fully expect to be on my own for my twilight years. And yes, I am taking care of my parents.

+1

OP's situation is exacerbated when MIL's lifestyle and attitude is thrown in OP's face, I would imagine.

+1 And when OP's MIL throws OP's choices in her face, while seeking the benefit of those same choices.

I would have a very hard time dealing with the notion of supporting my husband's parents in this scenario.

OP, does your DH have siblings? In reality this is not your problem (IMO). It is your DH's family's problem, if they choose to take it on as such.

[Anonymous]

I think it's weird of you to be so resentful of paying for your own child's childcare. If you can't stand your MIL why on earth would you want her to watch your child?

Her little "jokes" about moving in with you are not too funny, I do agree. At 59 she should be able to go out and get a job if she needs to. Or she could move to a very low cost of living area and live for cheap in an apt or even share a place with other 50/60 people. Why would she need to move in with you?

[Anonymous]

Of course this is frustrating, but OP needs to realize how much she benefited from the hard work of others. These days it is an extraordinary gift to have a full college education paid for by one's parents, and then some. She has grown up in a household with parents who are frugal and have modeled good money management, and she should thank her lucky stars that she didn't spend her early adulthood scrambling to pay back college loans like so many of us, even the ones who had parents who tried to help.

OP does not have to take in her indigent in-laws, but there certainly must be some middle ground. She can go through life trying to hold on desperately to what she has (much of which she owes to her own parents), or she can go through life with a grateful and charitable outlook. And I don't necessarily mean "charity" as in giving away money, but rather a charitable worldview where you give people the benefit of the doubt and try to look at others with compassion.

Her MIL may be scared out of her wits worrying about what happens if her husband becomes disabled and knowing that she doesn't have any resources or work skills. She may be hiding behind blustery bravado while sending out feelers to see if her son and his wife would be willing to help or whether they would wave from the sidelines as she slipped into financial ruin. Or maybe she knows that she'll probably get some help from her kids, but at the price of being humiliated continually by their "I-told-you-so" attitude.

Where is OP's husband in all this? What about the FIL? Why is this all on the DIL and MIL to resolve?

[Anonymous]

Did MIL support her own in-laws or parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you really even want her help? Won't your kid also be watching trashy tv and listening to gossipy phone calls all day long? I don't get this expectation that grandparents will provide childcare other than as a favor/gift. Nobody owes you childcare. She did her time raising kids already, maybe she just wants to relax. I think you need to separate the issue of her care in old age from childcare for your kid. They're not related.

Wait, so why does OP not get to enjoy her savings after "doing time" at work to earn them? The money spent on old people without a pot to piss in (at least partly because MIL refused to work) should be spent on things OP, the one who worked for that money, wants.

I tend to agree with this. OP - make sure that you and your child have a good financial future. Set that money aside. It's untouchable and tell them that. Set some money aside to also enjoy life. When the moment comes where they need help, you can evaluate what level of assistance you can provide with what money you have left. Considering that you want to set up care for you and your spouse for down the road, I imagine you won't have much left, if any.

I would also talk to your husband about what point would you consider them moving in? What happens if they need more care than you can provide? How can their social security checks contribute to the household while they live with you? At what point do they move into a medicaid facility, because that seems like the only option they will have if their health declines. And - if your parents are still alive, what happens if they need some help, too It's a tough situation OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you say she won't provide child care for your children, are we talking about fulltime care or occasional babysitting for a night out or in a pinch care (a few times a month)? I looked through most of the posts and did not find it, I apologize if you have addressed already.

I wondered this, too. It sounded like OP was talking about full-time care, though, because she talked about child care 'burning through" her savings. I would never expect my mom to provide the former, but if she lived nearby, I would be surprised if she wasn't willing to provide the latter. I would never condition my assistance to her in her old age on that, though. She was a great mom who loved me, and she took great care of her mom when she was older. It would never occur to me not to help her out if she needed it.

[Anonymous]

My husband's mother was a housewife and never worked outside the home. She was widowed at 59 and died of emphysema 10 years later. She never gave up smoking even though her children begged her to. When she died, she had almost nothing other than a run-down house in a depressed area of the northeast. I never met her, and she never met most of her grandchildren. If she showed up on our doorstep today, penniless and smelling of cigarette smoke, we would welcome her with open arms. I would be so happy to have my children know their grandmother and I know my husband would give anything, ANYTHING to see her one more time.

[Anonymous]

For those of you who are Catholic or just have a soft spot for the Pope, What Would Francis Do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you say she won't provide child care for your children, are we talking about fulltime care or occasional babysitting for a night out or in a pinch care (a few times a month)? I looked through most of the posts and did not find it, I apologize if you have addressed already.

She won't do occasional babysitting either. She used to say we could count on her in a pinch, but has never come through. My childcare arrangements are solid. I have plan A, B, and C.

Last winter, however, DH was sent on a week-long work trip with a day of notice, my boss asked me to take the lead on a matter out of town for a day. That was also a day of a bad snowstorm and our daycare closed. So, that took out plan A (daycare) and plan B (me or DH). Plan C is usually my brother, but he was sick with pneumonia.

With nowhere else to turn, I called my MIL. She hemmed and hawed and asked if there was anyone else. Then she started sniffling and said she wasn't sure if she was coming down with something. She was so reluctant that I let her off the hook and told her I'd take care of it. She was off the phone in a heartbeat. I ended up staying home and my boss was mad at me. I didn't treat her any differently or get mad at her. My kid, my responsibility. Honestly, she did exactly what I expected. I always believed she was full of shit when she said she'd help out if we needed her.

[Anonymous]

She has also flaked other times we needed her. We don't ask her any more.

-OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you say she won't provide child care for your children, are we talking about fulltime care or occasional babysitting for a night out or in a pinch care (a few times a month)? I looked through most of the posts and did not find it, I apologize if you have addressed already.

She won't do occasional babysitting either. She used to say we could count on her in a pinch, but has never come through. My childcare arrangements are solid. I have plan A, B, and C.

Last winter, however, DH was sent on a week-long work trip with a day of notice, my boss asked me to take the lead on a matter out of town for a day. That was also a day of a bad snowstorm and our daycare closed. So, that took out plan A (daycare) and plan B (me or DH). Plan C is usually my brother, but he was sick with pneumonia.

With nowhere else to turn, I called my MIL. She hemmed and hawed and asked if there was anyone else. Then she started sniffling and said she wasn't sure if she was coming down with something. She was so reluctant that I let her off the hook and told her I'd take care of it. She was off the phone in a heartbeat. I ended up staying home and my boss was mad at me. I didn't treat her any differently or get mad at her. My kid, my responsibility. Honestly, she did exactly what I expected. I always believed she was full of shit when she said she'd help out if we needed her.

OP, I feel for you. She sounds vile. I don't blame you one bit for feeling the way you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She has also flaked other times we needed her. We don't ask her any more.

-OP

She's not the first grandparent who didn't want to take care of grandkids. Welcome to the club. You need to let it go, or ask your parents to move closer to you to help out. Or move near your parents so that they can help out and you can be there as they age. I have a good friend who's in the process of moving back home to do just that. Or network with some other daycare/school parents to watch each other's kids on days off. That has worked really well for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think I have ever encountered such selfish women as I see on dcum. My mil was a royal bitch who showed no interest in her grandchildren and by all accounts was a a pretty awful mom. We still supported her for over a decade. She was family, she gave birth to my Dh and her care was our obligation. What the hell has become of our society where everything is tit for tat and no one does the right thing simply because it is the right thing?

I thought being a martyr was its own reward, but clearly you want a pat on the back: Congrats. You're a sucker who let a selfish bitch bleed you. You win?

No, no, no... being a martyr isn't its own reward. Being a martyr is rewarded by being allowed to feel superior to everyone else and by yelling at anonymous people about how much better you are than them.

Lol! So true. Martyrs are never content to do their "good" works. They have to let as many people know as possible. Worst sort of drama queen behavior.

I get it it. In dcum land being a good person and doing the right thing is being a martyr. Being a bitch and morally bankrupt is to be celebrated. You woman are pathetic.

Bitch behavior = going on threads to explain how much better you are than everybody else, while clearly resenting the sacrifices you made to some ungrateful relative

Good behavior is its own reward. If you have to explain to everyone how great your behavior is and how much better you are than everyone else, then you're acting like a bitch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think I have ever encountered such selfish women as I see on dcum. My mil was a royal bitch who showed no interest in her grandchildren and by all accounts was a a pretty awful mom. We still supported her for over a decade. She was family, she gave birth to my Dh and her care was our obligation. What the hell has become of our society where everything is tit for tat and no one does the right thing simply because it is the right thing?

I thought being a martyr was its own reward, but clearly you want a pat on the back: Congrats. You're a sucker who let a selfish bitch bleed you. You win?

No, no, no... being a martyr isn't its own reward. Being a martyr is rewarded by being allowed to feel superior to everyone else and by yelling at anonymous people about how much better you are than them.

Lol! So true. Martyrs are never content to do their "good" works. They have to let as many people know as possible. Worst sort of drama queen behavior.

I get it it. In dcum land being a good person and doing the right thing is being a martyr. Being a bitch and morally bankrupt is to be celebrated. You woman are pathetic.

Bitch behavior = going on threads to explain how much better you are than everybody else, while clearly resenting the sacrifices you made to some ungrateful relative

Good behavior is its own reward. If you have to explain to everyone how great your behavior is and how much better you are than everyone else, then you're acting like a bitch.

How do you describe kicking your husband's mom to the curb for not being a babysitter? Good behavior, or bitch?