S/O Elder care for parents who didn't provide child care

[Anonymous]

I don't think you need to let them or her move in with you. But I don't think you should leave them completely on their own either. Some in between would probably suffice.

[Anonymous]

You sound really resentful. Are you sure you don't care that your MIL didn't watch your DC for you? Because...you sound like you care and are contemplating future revenge.

[Anonymous]

No one owes anyone anything. I will raise my children the best I can, pay for them to attend college, but fully expect to be on my own for my twilight years. And yes, I am taking care of my parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound really resentful. Are you sure you don't care that your MIL didn't watch your DC for you? Because...you sound like you care and are contemplating future revenge.

You people are such drama queens. You make it sound as if someone is lurking outside the MIL's door with a knife to punish her. Sheesh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think I have ever encountered such selfish women as I see on dcum. My mil was a royal bitch who showed no interest in her grandchildren and by all accounts was a a pretty awful mom. We still supported her for over a decade. She was family, she gave birth to my Dh and her care was our obligation. What the hell has become of our society where everything is tit for tat and no one does the right thing simply because it is the right thing?

I thought being a martyr was its own reward, but clearly you want a pat on the back: Congrats. You're a sucker who let a selfish bitch bleed you. You win?

Get back to us when you're in your late 70's or older. Life will probably look a lot different to you at that time. When you're younger, things can seem so black and white, with no gray. Time and unforeseen/unplanned illnesses, personal losses, and financial changes may soften you.

[Anonymous]

I think it's the responsibility of American, working class families to plan for their own retirement needs. So, no, OP, I don't think you need to let your ILs move in with you. I wouldn't be comfortable letting them be on the street, but providing some help doesn't have to be in the form of housing & sheltering them while they squander what little they have left.

I have parents & ILs on opposite sides of the spectrum on this and it's hard to navigate. I think it's easier to imagine helping out the set of parents who did everything right - who planned for all contingencies - because their situation is more sympathetic. For the set that squanders all their earnings on booze and a shopping addiction, it doesn't feel good or easy to help them out. We will make sure they have food, shelter, and healthcare, but it still doesn't feel right, knowing that they haven't been good stewards of their resources and that they're just banking on us to bail them out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Consensus in the thread asking why grandparents no longer provide child care seems to be that grandparents don't owe their kids and grandkids squat. Okay, I can agree with that. But is the reverse true?

DH's parents live close enough to help with our daughter and his mother is a lifelong SAHM. She is only 59, but prefers to keep her schedule open to watch TV all day, travel a few times a year, and make gossipy phone calls. So, we pay for child care and it is really eating into our finances. I am fine with this. Our kid, our problem.

Here's the rub: DH's parents have zero in retirement savings. Social security and DH's Dad working until he dies is what they are banking on. I make a good amount of money (more than DH) and kill myself to earn it. DH's mother has started dropping hints lately about how nice it would be for us all to move in together one day. They don't have jack shit to contribute, so I know DH and I would be basically carrying them financially, with the bulk coming from me. That is what DH's mother is after.

Recently, she made a joke about living with us and I responded with a grin: "Paying for child care is eating through the money we'd have helped you with." She dropped the topic quickly. I don't think I owe her and FIL squat. She has spent her life as she pleases, staying home instead of building financial security by working, not giving a red cent to DH for college because thinks kids are responsible for their own education, and refusing to help with her grandkid because she would rather catch up on talk shows. Am I wrong? I think DH will go along with what I decide.

I'm in your camp, OP. Similar experience, similar attitude from MIL, similar reaction from me. If you want to be a rude, petulant adult (MIL), I don't really need that around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one owes anyone anything. I will raise my children the best I can, pay for them to attend college, but fully expect to be on my own for my twilight years. And yes, I am taking care of my parents.

+1

OP's situation is exacerbated when MIL's lifestyle and attitude is thrown in OP's face, I would imagine.

[Anonymous]

Here's my experience: My father was an alcoholic who drank himself almost to death in his mobile home. He was bankrupt, malnourished and no longer able to walk when neighbors called an ambulance. (He kept me at arms' distance because I tried to get him to stop drinking. I lived 4 hours away, and saw him a few times a year, and called him weekly. )

Because he was no longer drinking, he eventually was able to leave, but had no place to go. His mobile home and been seized. We would have been within our rights to just write him off, but I couldn't live with myself if he ended up on the street. So we ended up buying him a small, inexpensive, plain condo in a rural part of Florida where he was surrounded by good elderly services. We brought in meals on wheels, furnished the apartment and gave him an old car to get to the grocery store and the doctor.

When he died, we were able to sell the condo for more than twice what we paid for it. We put the savings in my son's college fund.

So we were able to take care of my dad, have him not live with us, and it ended up benefitting my son. Us, too, because as I said, I could have never been happy if he was out on the street.

OP, your in-laws have no right to expect to live with you. That's just outrageous. I'd put together my Plan B, though, for ways to see that they are never homeless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have no sympathy for people who don't plan for retirement. That being said, I love my parents and would let them live with me if they needed to. However, both should have enough to live on between social security, military pensions, and savings. I would not let someone I didn't like live with me though. Living with someone unpleasant is painful and I am not making myself miserable because of someone else's poor planning.

+1 DH's parents were both hard workers but mismanaged their business and had very little money when they retired. However, MIL had been abusive to DH as a child and while the relationship had been repaired somewhat, it wasn't ever warm. We agreed with each other when we married that we would never have a parent live with us. No way he could deal with his parent in our house and was horrified when MIL hinted that she'd move in someday. Fortunately for everyone, MIL and FIL both passed away after short illnesses so we were spared long nursing home or rehab stays and they did not outlive their minimal assets. Still, before FIL died we put a hold on some major home expenses since we had no idea what we'd be in for with his care.

Regardless of DH's relationship with them we did feel a financial obligation. There's a difference between letting your able bodied parent live in (to them) reduced circumstances (totally acceptable IMO) vs. being left at the mercy of a crappy nursing home or sent home with limited mobility or mental capacity and no help. That's just not OK.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Actually, I agree with OP on this one. Her MIL made her choice, nobody owes her a relaxed lifestyle. Part of the frustration here is not childcare, it's berating OP for continuing to work, for not helping when MIL clearly could have done so. In the end OP and her DH may end up taking care of her in laws but her frustrations are justified.

Exactly. I know OP does not want to get into her own child care arrangements, but my guess is that with a high stress/high pay job, she has regular child care covered. However, any 2 parent working family knows that last minute stuff comes up- last minute travel, can't make pick up, day care is closed, whatever. If my able-bodied 59 YO MIL refused to help with those kinds of situations -- not talking about being a full-time nanny-- then yeah, I'm not going to look too generously upon her down the road.

[Anonymous]

You look after your family. Period.

[Anonymous]

I don't care to weigh in on op's personal situation except to say that it seems the issue is more of a personal one than financial. But I would like to point out that the intense focus of planning for one's own retirement is a pretty new phenomenon in this country and a lot of the boomers have been caught with their financial pants down by the new fiscal reality. This is not to say that no boomers ever have been financially responsible, but those that have- you might want to consider if they have been the benefactors of the old system. My in-laws for example are very well prepared. My MIL stayed home and FIL managed a factory for his whole life. They worked hard (both of them!) and are still collecting 80% of his salary in pension (!!!). My parents, not so much, despite also working very hard. We would care for either set of parents in their old age, but we have generally positive relationships, so I understand Op's case to be different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
You look after your family. Period.

But they aren't helping look after their family either, the grandchild.

[Anonymous]

They do not have to move in with you. Have your DH do the homework now and find a place like this for them in their retirement years. There are tons of programs for poor elderly. Sign them up for everything.

http://www.culpeppergarden.org