S/O Elder care for parents who didn't provide child care

[Anonymous]

^^^I am skyways amazed at the tunnel vision of women on this board. Op's mil is of another generation where women do not pursue caterers in the way women do today. Op is holding her mil accountable for choices consistent with her time. Compassion and understanding seem yo be jacking in today's women. Pretty sad.

[Anonymous]

It'll be a very cold day in HELL before my son's wife gets her claws on my money.

[Anonymous]

I don't think OP is a bitch, and I agree with her 100%.

If MIL is able bodied, she should at least OFFER to help with childcare if she wants to be supported in her old age. Life is hard, and the ideal is everyone helping everyone else insofar that they are able. The reward is getting to see your own family succeed, knowing that you are valued, and trusting that you will be helped when you really need it. It only takes one asshole to break that happy chain.

A poster above mentioned "doing the right thing" by taking care of her asshole MIL.

Funny - my mother has a similar attitude, and took care of my chronically selfish and financially irresponsible grandma (my dad's mom) until she died. But I swear she helped put her in an early grave by passive aggressively wearing her down every chance she got. But hey, my mom still got to claim to be a "better person!"

If they banked on SS and FIL working, let them use that. Plenty of people without kids to support them manage with that plan.

When the time comes that they start asking to move in, have 1000 reasons ready why you are not able.

First of all, is the house big enough for them? If not, say you can't afford to move or build out new space.
Tell them that college is incredibly more expensive than it used to be and that you can't afford to help support them because you are putting money away for your own children.
Talk about how your financial advisor warned you about putting x dollars a month away for your own retirement.

There will be no shortage of ways for you to explain that you simply can't accommodate them. You don't have to go head-to-head and say "I'm not helping your lazy selfish ass," it simply won't be necessary.

Good luck OP, I'm sorry some people are pieces of crap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^^I am skyways amazed at the tunnel vision of women on this board. Op's mil is of another generation where women do not pursue caterers in the way women do today. Op is holding her mil accountable for choices consistent with her time. Compassion and understanding seem yo be jacking in today's women. Pretty sad.

That same generation (and MIL is 59, so barely part of it) also did things like watch their grandkids.

[Anonymous]

You know, I've seen some awful behavior on DCUM, but this has to be among the worst. First of all, the quid pro quo that you are invoking is between the parent and the child. My parents raise me as best they can, and in turn I will try to ease their burden at the end of their lives. Not they raise me, AND they raise my children, and then if I think they've spent their lives in a meaningful fashion I will maybe help them out. Your MIL has raised her children, and you obviously thought she did a good job because you married one of them. So you need to get over the idea that somehow she has to work for you in order to earn your respect.

It's obvious that you don't like your MIL, and you are using your child as a weapon to exact your revenge on her life choices. Why don't you separate what YOU want from her (free child care) from the red herring that you are concerned about their financial future? Why hasn't your husband talked to them about their retirement savings and planning? It's unfathomable to me that nobody in your family cares enough to try to help them make a plan. If FIL is still working, they can still put together a few assets and do some planning. Has your husband already washed his hands of them?

Where are your parents in all this? They're not raising your child either. Do they get a pass because they're your parents, not his? Do you expect your husband to step up and help them out in their old age? Because all of our parents are going to require help at some time, even if it's not financial.

And with all of this nonsense about your good job and how you're such a high earner, hard worker, etc etc., why is it so difficult to pay for daycare for one child? Serious question. It doesn't sound like you'd be in much of a position to help his parents at all if daycare is "eating into your finances" so much.

[Anonymous]

I think OP is perfectly reasonable. I would feel exactly the same in her position. Just because people are family does not mean you have to sacrifice your life to help them when all their lives they have done nothing but the bare minimum to help. If they need a few thousand dollars for an operation or some such then yes, you have an obligation. But to have them live with you, potentially for decades, because they have failed to provide for themselves when they had every opportunity? No way.
Even if this woman does not want to provide childcare, her own kids have been out of the house for how long? 20 years? She could easily get a job herself in retail or whatever. It isn't like CVS appears to be particularly picky. But she is lazy. What goes around comes around.

[Anonymous]

I don't think it should be tit for tat, as you seem to expect, OP. If your MIL was a loving, supportive mother to your DH, I think you two absolutely owe her your loyalty and support - it's a matter of respect. An old lady who wants to spend her days as she sees fit has more than earned her right to do so. You shouldn't have to raise TWO generations of children to "earn your keep" as matriarch. If she was neglectful or abusive in raising your DH, I can see why you'd be hesitant - but are you seriously saying that because she won't watch your kid she doesn't deserve to be taken care of later in life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think OP is perfectly reasonable. I would feel exactly the same in her position. Just because people are family does not mean you have to sacrifice your life to help them when all their lives they have done nothing but the bare minimum to help. If they need a few thousand dollars for an operation or some such then yes, you have an obligation. But to have them live with you, potentially for decades, because they have failed to provide for themselves when they had every opportunity? No way.
Even if this woman does not want to provide childcare, her own kids have been out of the house for how long? 20 years? She could easily get a job herself in retail or whatever. It isn't like CVS appears to be particularly picky. But she is lazy. What goes around comes around.

So why doesn't the husband talk to his parents about making a reasonable retirement plan? Everyone I know has either helped their parents make a plan or are aware of their parents assets and plans. And that includes a few parents who have made extremely bad choices. I can't imagine walking away from my parents just because they made mistakes. You all sound like awful people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think OP is perfectly reasonable. I would feel exactly the same in her position. Just because people are family does not mean you have to sacrifice your life to help them when all their lives they have done nothing but the bare minimum to help. If they need a few thousand dollars for an operation or some such then yes, you have an obligation. But to have them live with you, potentially for decades, because they have failed to provide for themselves when they had every opportunity? No way.
Even if this woman does not want to provide childcare, her own kids have been out of the house for how long? 20 years? She could easily get a job herself in retail or whatever. It isn't like CVS appears to be particularly picky. But she is lazy. What goes around comes around.

So why doesn't the husband talk to his parents about making a reasonable retirement plan? Everyone I know has either helped their parents make a plan or are aware of their parents assets and plans. And that includes a few parents who have made extremely bad choices. I can't imagine walking away from my parents just because they made mistakes. You all sound like awful people.

Agreed. But what else can you expect from the DCUM crowd?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think OP is perfectly reasonable. I would feel exactly the same in her position. Just because people are family does not mean you have to sacrifice your life to help them when all their lives they have done nothing but the bare minimum to help. If they need a few thousand dollars for an operation or some such then yes, you have an obligation. But to have them live with you, potentially for decades, because they have failed to provide for themselves when they had every opportunity? No way.
Even if this woman does not want to provide childcare, her own kids have been out of the house for how long? 20 years? She could easily get a job herself in retail or whatever. It isn't like CVS appears to be particularly picky. But she is lazy. What goes around comes around.

So why doesn't the husband talk to his parents about making a reasonable retirement plan? Everyone I know has either helped their parents make a plan or are aware of their parents assets and plans. And that includes a few parents who have made extremely bad choices. I can't imagine walking away from my parents just because they made mistakes. You all sound like awful people.

Agreed. But what else can you expect from the DCUM crowd?

Right, thank you for saying that. I forget sometimes!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You know, I've seen some awful behavior on DCUM, but this has to be among the worst. First of all, the quid pro quo that you are invoking is between the parent and the child. My parents raise me as best they can, and in turn I will try to ease their burden at the end of their lives. Not they raise me, AND they raise my children, and then if I think they've spent their lives in a meaningful fashion I will maybe help them out. Your MIL has raised her children, and you obviously thought she did a good job because you married one of them. So you need to get over the idea that somehow she has to work for you in order to earn your respect.

It's obvious that you don't like your MIL, and you are using your child as a weapon to exact your revenge on her life choices. Why don't you separate what YOU want from her (free child care) from the red herring that you are concerned about their financial future? Why hasn't your husband talked to them about their retirement savings and planning? It's unfathomable to me that nobody in your family cares enough to try to help them make a plan. If FIL is still working, they can still put together a few assets and do some planning. Has your husband already washed his hands of them?

Where are your parents in all this? They're not raising your child either. Do they get a pass because they're your parents, not his? Do you expect your husband to step up and help them out in their old age? Because all of our parents are going to require help at some time, even if it's not financial.

And with all of this nonsense about your good job and how you're such a high earner, hard worker, etc etc., why is it so difficult to pay for daycare for one child? Serious question. It doesn't sound like you'd be in much of a position to help his parents at all if daycare is "eating into your finances" so much.

. +1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think OP is perfectly reasonable. I would feel exactly the same in her position. Just because people are family does not mean you have to sacrifice your life to help them when all their lives they have done nothing but the bare minimum to help. If they need a few thousand dollars for an operation or some such then yes, you have an obligation. But to have them live with you, potentially for decades, because they have failed to provide for themselves when they had every opportunity? No way.
Even if this woman does not want to provide childcare, her own kids have been out of the house for how long? 20 years? She could easily get a job herself in retail or whatever. It isn't like CVS appears to be particularly picky. But she is lazy. What goes around comes around.

So why doesn't the husband talk to his parents about making a reasonable retirement plan? Everyone I know has either helped their parents make a plan or are aware of their parents assets and plans. And that includes a few parents who have made extremely bad choices. I can't imagine walking away from my parents just because they made mistakes. You all sound like awful people.

Well aren't you making an ass out of yourself by assuming we haven't tried to help? We sat them down repeatedly to ask them to make a real plan for retirement. We offered to pay for a financial planner if they weren't comfortable going over financials with us. In response, FIL told us it was none of our business how they spend their money and MIL accused me of wanting them to save so that I could lay claim to the money when they die, lol. DH has continued to try to talk to them, but I will never again raise the topic with them. MIL is only now starting to worry about retirement now that their friends are starting to develop health problems or retire with nice nest eggs.

-OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think OP is perfectly reasonable. I would feel exactly the same in her position. Just because people are family does not mean you have to sacrifice your life to help them when all their lives they have done nothing but the bare minimum to help. If they need a few thousand dollars for an operation or some such then yes, you have an obligation. But to have them live with you, potentially for decades, because they have failed to provide for themselves when they had every opportunity? No way.
Even if this woman does not want to provide childcare, her own kids have been out of the house for how long? 20 years? She could easily get a job herself in retail or whatever. It isn't like CVS appears to be particularly picky. But she is lazy. What goes around comes around.

So why doesn't the husband talk to his parents about making a reasonable retirement plan? Everyone I know has either helped their parents make a plan or are aware of their parents assets and plans. And that includes a few parents who have made extremely bad choices. I can't imagine walking away from my parents just because they made mistakes. You all sound like awful people.

Well aren't you making an ass out of yourself by assuming we haven't tried to help? We sat them down repeatedly to ask them to make a real plan for retirement. We offered to pay for a financial planner if they weren't comfortable going over financials with us. In response, FIL told us it was none of our business how they spend their money and MIL accused me of wanting them to save so that I could lay claim to the money when they die, lol. DH has continued to try to talk to them, but I will never again raise the topic with them. MIL is only now starting to worry about retirement now that their friends are starting to develop health problems or retire with nice nest eggs.

-OP

So why would you want someone you obviously think has poor judgement to raise your child? Sounds like MIL's not the only one trying to get something for nothin'. I guess it's true that men marry women just like their mothers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it should be tit for tat, as you seem to expect, OP. If your MIL was a loving, supportive mother to your DH, I think you two absolutely owe her your loyalty and support - it's a matter of respect. An old lady who wants to spend her days as she sees fit has more than earned her right to do so. You shouldn't have to raise TWO generations of children to "earn your keep" as matriarch. If she was neglectful or abusive in raising your DH, I can see why you'd be hesitant - but are you seriously saying that because she won't watch your kid she doesn't deserve to be taken care of later in life?

Sure, but then she doesn't get to assume that she'll get to move in with her son and his wife.

No one is "owed" anything in this world. We all have to be useful and inspire love and respect if we want to be in a respected position like "matriarch." MIL is doing a bad job of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^^I am skyways amazed at the tunnel vision of women on this board. Op's mil is of another generation where women do not pursue caterers in the way women do today. Op is holding her mil accountable for choices consistent with her time. Compassion and understanding seem yo be jacking in today's women. Pretty sad.

OP's MIL is 59. As a 55yo, I can assure you that women in my generation could and did pursue careers. Like OP, I make more money than my DH does. And we save aggressively for retirement, and have fully funded college funds.

OP, in your shoes I would talk to your DH about the situation and agree on what you will and will not do. I would feel as you do, FWIW. Also, FWIW, my own ILs are very working-class but have planned and saved for retirement. They are 86 yo now and as far as we know, secure.

What does your DH think?