S/O Elder care for parents who didn't provide child care

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think I have ever encountered such selfish women as I see on dcum. My mil was a royal bitch who showed no interest in her grandchildren and by all accounts was a a pretty awful mom. We still supported her for over a decade. She was family, she gave birth to my Dh and her care was our obligation. What the hell has become of our society where everything is tit for tat and no one does the right thing simply because it is the right thing?

I thought being a martyr was its own reward, but clearly you want a pat on the back: Congrats. You're a sucker who let a selfish bitch bleed you. You win?

No, no, no... being a martyr isn't its own reward. Being a martyr is rewarded by being allowed to feel superior to everyone else and by yelling at anonymous people about how much better you are than them.

Lol! So true. Martyrs are never content to do their "good" works. They have to let as many people know as possible. Worst sort of drama queen behavior.

I get it it. In dcum land being a good person and doing the right thing is being a martyr. Being a bitch and morally bankrupt is to be celebrated. You woman are pathetic.

Bitch behavior = going on threads to explain how much better you are than everybody else, while clearly resenting the sacrifices you made to some ungrateful relative

Good behavior is its own reward. If you have to explain to everyone how great your behavior is and how much better you are than everyone else, then you're acting like a bitch.

Not that PP, but that's a bit circular. If you have to explain on DCUM why you did something, either taking care of family or something else, then that is somehow acting like a bitch? So if you take care of your family, you shouldn't post about it, and let those who don't take care of family post on DCUM?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She has also flaked other times we needed her. We don't ask her any more.

-OP

She's not the first grandparent who didn't want to take care of grandkids. Welcome to the club. You need to let it go, or ask your parents to move closer to you to help out. Or move near your parents so that they can help out and you can be there as they age. I have a good friend who's in the process of moving back home to do just that. Or network with some other daycare/school parents to watch each other's kids on days off. That has worked really well for us.

What part of I get that childcare is my responsibility are you not understanding? But if you take the individualistic route and don't help out when you can, then don't try to be community-minded and make your responsibility to take care of yourself everyone else's concern. I do my duty for myself and you do yours for yourself.

-OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think I have ever encountered such selfish women as I see on dcum. My mil was a royal bitch who showed no interest in her grandchildren and by all accounts was a a pretty awful mom. We still supported her for over a decade. She was family, she gave birth to my Dh and her care was our obligation. What the hell has become of our society where everything is tit for tat and no one does the right thing simply because it is the right thing?

I thought being a martyr was its own reward, but clearly you want a pat on the back: Congrats. You're a sucker who let a selfish bitch bleed you. You win?

No, no, no... being a martyr isn't its own reward. Being a martyr is rewarded by being allowed to feel superior to everyone else and by yelling at anonymous people about how much better you are than them.

Lol! So true. Martyrs are never content to do their "good" works. They have to let as many people know as possible. Worst sort of drama queen behavior.

I get it it. In dcum land being a good person and doing the right thing is being a martyr. Being a bitch and morally bankrupt is to be celebrated. You woman are pathetic.

Bitch behavior = going on threads to explain how much better you are than everybody else, while clearly resenting the sacrifices you made to some ungrateful relative

Good behavior is its own reward. If you have to explain to everyone how great your behavior is and how much better you are than everyone else, then you're acting like a bitch.

Not that PP, but that's a bit circular. If you have to explain on DCUM why you did something, either taking care of family or something else, then that is somehow acting like a bitch? So if you take care of your family, you shouldn't post about it, and let those who don't take care of family post on DCUM?

LOL you can only post to complain. If your parents have no money, you complain about how they are worthless freeloaders. If they have money and put in a swimming pool, then you complain that they are spending your inheritance. If they offer to host the holidays, then they are bitches for not letting you have your own life. If they don't host the holidays, they are selfish for making you do all the entertaining. Then you agree with everyone who agrees that they are awful, vile people and tell everyone else to get the hell out of your business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She has also flaked other times we needed her. We don't ask her any more.

-OP

She's not the first grandparent who didn't want to take care of grandkids. Welcome to the club. You need to let it go, or ask your parents to move closer to you to help out. Or move near your parents so that they can help out and you can be there as they age. I have a good friend who's in the process of moving back home to do just that. Or network with some other daycare/school parents to watch each other's kids on days off. That has worked really well for us.

What part of I get that childcare is my responsibility are you not understanding? But if you take the individualistic route and don't help out when you can, then don't try to be community-minded and make your responsibility to take care of yourself everyone else's concern. I do my duty for myself and you do yours for yourself.

-OP

Then quit complaining that she's not helping out. The whole premise of your thread is that you think childcare is HER responsibility, that she needs to work for you or else you will not help her in her old age. Tell your mother in law to fuck off, there's no way in hell that she is ever coming to live with you. That's what you want to hear, right? Why do you keep coming back here if you already made up your mind?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She has also flaked other times we needed her. We don't ask her any more.

-OP

She's not the first grandparent who didn't want to take care of grandkids. Welcome to the club. You need to let it go, or ask your parents to move closer to you to help out. Or move near your parents so that they can help out and you can be there as they age. I have a good friend who's in the process of moving back home to do just that. Or network with some other daycare/school parents to watch each other's kids on days off. That has worked really well for us.

What part of I get that childcare is my responsibility are you not understanding? But if you take the individualistic route and don't help out when you can, then don't try to be community-minded and make your responsibility to take care of yourself everyone else's concern. I do my duty for myself and you do yours for yourself.

-OP

Then quit complaining that she's not helping out. The whole premise of your thread is that you think childcare is HER responsibility, that she needs to work for you or else you will not help her in her old age. Tell your mother in law to fuck off, there's no way in hell that she is ever coming to live with you. That's what you want to hear, right? Why do you keep coming back here if you already made up your mind?

Here's a better idea: How about you fuck off and get out of the thread? You clearly can't read since the premise of the thread is NOT that childcare is MIL's duty. I spelled the premise out for you above and am putting it in bold again. You can't be this stupid. I keep coming back to my own thread because I started it and am interested in intelligent POVs (meaning: not your idiot stance). Go ahead and get lost now.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are quite correct. I wouldn't listen to those people who just want to argue about this. You have no responsibility to take them in under these circumstances. You need to have your husband be clear with them about what they can expect when the time comes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you say she won't provide child care for your children, are we talking about fulltime care or occasional babysitting for a night out or in a pinch care (a few times a month)? I looked through most of the posts and did not find it, I apologize if you have addressed already.

She won't do occasional babysitting either. She used to say we could count on her in a pinch, but has never come through. My childcare arrangements are solid. I have plan A, B, and C.

Last winter, however, DH was sent on a week-long work trip with a day of notice, my boss asked me to take the lead on a matter out of town for a day. That was also a day of a bad snowstorm and our daycare closed. So, that took out plan A (daycare) and plan B (me or DH). Plan C is usually my brother, but he was sick with pneumonia.

With nowhere else to turn, I called my MIL. She hemmed and hawed and asked if there was anyone else. Then she started sniffling and said she wasn't sure if she was coming down with something. She was so reluctant that I let her off the hook and told her I'd take care of it. She was off the phone in a heartbeat. I ended up staying home and my boss was mad at me. I didn't treat her any differently or get mad at her. My kid, my responsibility. Honestly, she did exactly what I expected. I always believed she was full of shit when she said she'd help out if we needed her.

OP, I feel for you. She sounds vile. I don't blame you one bit for feeling the way you do.

She is terrible, I would never have a person like that living in my house. Worst scenario, I will pay money so that she can live somewhere else. This is her grand kid we are talking about, if helping you to take care of her own grandchild is so troublesome to her, I shudder to imagine if she has to ever help "you".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She has also flaked other times we needed her. We don't ask her any more.

-OP

She's not the first grandparent who didn't want to take care of grandkids. Welcome to the club. You need to let it go, or ask your parents to move closer to you to help out. Or move near your parents so that they can help out and you can be there as they age. I have a good friend who's in the process of moving back home to do just that. Or network with some other daycare/school parents to watch each other's kids on days off. That has worked really well for us.

What part of I get that childcare is my responsibility are you not understanding? But if you take the individualistic route and don't help out when you can, then don't try to be community-minded and make your responsibility to take care of yourself everyone else's concern. I do my duty for myself and you do yours for yourself.

-OP

Then quit complaining that she's not helping out. The whole premise of your thread is that you think childcare is HER responsibility, that she needs to work for you or else you will not help her in her old age. Tell your mother in law to fuck off, there's no way in hell that she is ever coming to live with you. That's what you want to hear, right? Why do you keep coming back here if you already made up your mind?

Most people feel better about helping other people who are at least trying to help themselves. I would much rather donate to a family where the sole bread winner works 3 jobs to support his/her family vs. someone who is fully capable to work but chooses to live off of government handouts. Giving a helping hand goes both ways and if MIL expects her family to support her when it appears she isn't doing anything to help herself makes it really hard to be charitable. MIL is still young enough to somewhat help shape the course of her future. If she isn't interested in helping with her granddaughter, which is up to her, she can at least try and find a part time job somewhere. Make an effort. OP - I can understand why you feel resentful and like a PP said, take care of yourself and your immediate family first and then you can assist with the in laws if you can.

[Anonymous]

I imagine that her unwillingness to help out with her grandchild feels like a rejection, so I'm sure it stings. Just make sure you're on the same page with your husband. He needs to take the lead on managing her expectations for the future. You will only sound bitter if it comes from you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You owe them because they gave you your DH and DC. Yes, you need to find a way to take care of them if and when the time comes.

IF they were not abusive on any level.

If they were, to me, you don't owe them diddlysquat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She has also flaked other times we needed her. We don't ask her any more.

-OP

She's not the first grandparent who didn't want to take care of grandkids. Welcome to the club. You need to let it go, or ask your parents to move closer to you to help out. Or move near your parents so that they can help out and you can be there as they age. I have a good friend who's in the process of moving back home to do just that. Or network with some other daycare/school parents to watch each other's kids on days off. That has worked really well for us.

What part of I get that childcare is my responsibility are you not understanding? But if you take the individualistic route and don't help out when you can, then don't try to be community-minded and make your responsibility to take care of yourself everyone else's concern. I do my duty for myself and you do yours for yourself.

-OP

Then quit complaining that she's not helping out. The whole premise of your thread is that you think childcare is HER responsibility, that she needs to work for you or else you will not help her in her old age. Tell your mother in law to fuck off, there's no way in hell that she is ever coming to live with you. That's what you want to hear, right? Why do you keep coming back here if you already made up your mind?

Here's a better idea: How about you fuck off and get out of the thread? You clearly can't read since the premise of the thread is NOT that childcare is MIL's duty. I spelled the premise out for you above and am putting it in bold again. You can't be this stupid. I keep coming back to my own thread because I started it and am interested in intelligent POVs (meaning: not your idiot stance). Go ahead and get lost now.

You have gotten lots of intelligent POVs. Why won't you respond to the reasonable questions about where your husband is in all of this? Was he raised by his grandmother? How about you? I would never have asked my mother for full-time or part-time childcare, even though she is retired. And we would certainly help her out in her old age if she needs it, which she might if she lives to be 95 like her own mother.

Did you like your mother in law before you had children? The childcare thing seems like the tip of the iceberg.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think I have ever encountered such selfish women as I see on dcum. My mil was a royal bitch who showed no interest in her grandchildren and by all accounts was a a pretty awful mom. We still supported her for over a decade. She was family, she gave birth to my Dh and her care was our obligation. What the hell has become of our society where everything is tit for tat and no one does the right thing simply because it is the right thing?

I thought being a martyr was its own reward, but clearly you want a pat on the back: Congrats. You're a sucker who let a selfish bitch bleed you. You win?

No, no, no... being a martyr isn't its own reward. Being a martyr is rewarded by being allowed to feel superior to everyone else and by yelling at anonymous people about how much better you are than them.

Lol! So true. Martyrs are never content to do their "good" works. They have to let as many people know as possible. Worst sort of drama queen behavior.

I get it it. In dcum land being a good person and doing the right thing is being a martyr. Being a bitch and morally bankrupt is to be celebrated. You woman are pathetic.

Bitch behavior = going on threads to explain how much better you are than everybody else, while clearly resenting the sacrifices you made to some ungrateful relative

Good behavior is its own reward. If you have to explain to everyone how great your behavior is and how much better you are than everyone else, then you're acting like a bitch.

Not that PP, but that's a bit circular. If you have to explain on DCUM why you did something, either taking care of family or something else, then that is somehow acting like a bitch? So if you take care of your family, you shouldn't post about it, and let those who don't take care of family post on DCUM?

Exactly! Nothing the poster said indicated she was resentful about what she had done. She simply stated a fact about her actions. Of course, since drum women cannot possibly fathom that there are some people who chose the hide road in life, she must be a resentful martyr. It is a case of projecting their own personality defects onto someone else.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like a rotten DIL.

I don't have to provide child care so Missy can be I Am Woman. Use birth control if you want a career. Problem solved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I imagine that her unwillingness to help out with her grandchild feels like a rejection, so I'm sure it stings. Just make sure you're on the same page with your husband. He needs to take the lead on managing her expectations for the future. You will only sound bitter if it comes from you.

He's definitely going to be the one to handle this. I responded once to her hints about living with us because she kept making them to me when we were one on one. She clearly knows she has crapped the bed with me and was trying to figure out if I might one day object to them living with us. Beyond that, their retirement is none of my concern and I won't be discussing it further with her.

To answer other PPs' questions, DH has three brothers but none have a pot to piss in. They live beyond their means just like my in laws do and actually look to my in laws for help.

[Anonymous]

LOL you can only post to complain. If your parents have no money, you complain about how they are worthless freeloaders. If they have money and put in a swimming pool, then you complain that they are spending your inheritance. If they offer to host the holidays, then they are bitches for not letting you have your own life. If they don't host the holidays, they are selfish for making you do all the entertaining. Then you agree with everyone who agrees that they are awful, vile people and tell everyone else to get the hell out of your business.

+1 I sure as hell hope my son doesn't marry a drum mommy. Holy crap too many of you are impossible to please--the ultimate all about me generation.