S/O Elder care for parents who didn't provide child care
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Anonymous
+1 You married him. He has a family. You cannot wash your hands of his parents like that. |
Anonymous
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When your DH meets with his parents, or maybe even before, he needs to get them to give him all the cold hard facts of their finances. If FIL is willing to work just a few more years, his SS benefit will be much more at 70 than what he can claim at 67. MIL can get a spouse's benefit based on her husband's earnings, but not until 62 at the earliest, so that should encourage him to keep working at least that long. They should be looking into how to maximize their SS benefits. Hopefully, FIL will also have a pension.
When your ILs were young, it used to be a point of pride for a man to be able to provide for his family, and there were many men who didn't want their wives to work. Her husband may have had very strong feelings about that back when they were a young couple, and he could also be the one who controls the family finances. Your MIL may have a hard time dealing with him regarding their family money, but won't say that to her son or you. And if you are quick to judge and voice disapproval and your criticism of your MIL is obvious to her, she may also be fearing your wrath should she ever do anything wrong in your eyes while caring for your DC, and that may be a reason she declines to help you with childcare. She may feel stuck between a rock and a hard place both with you and with her husband, and her coping method may be to escape and avoid. |
Anonymous
No need for marriage counselling. It is obvious what you should do. No one owes his lazy parents a living. If he has been working all this time he will have a good social security. Plenty of people live of that. |
Anonymous
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Here is an additional consideration (different poster).
One set of parents completely unhelpful, uninvolved (Set A). Another set of parents providing lots of help- childcare, financial help, etc (Set B). At the end of the day, Set A needs the help from you but the financial offerings of Set B are what make you capable of helping Set A. Essentially, Set B will be providing for Set A with you as the intermediary. Is it fair? You married your spouse and chose to take on his family. Your parents did not make that choice but do make the choice to help you and your spouse. |
Anonymous
Not OP, but she totally can. I informed my DH that he moves his mother in, I am moving out and filing for divorce. I am not supporting her financially. I am not willing to agree to any difference in the amount of financial support that DH gives to the household or the children. Whatever he wants to do with his money after those obligations are paid is his concern. We begged his mom repeatedly to save for retirement and she refused. She was making a very healthy salary. She was supporting herself and no one else. Her selfish refusal to take some responsibility for herself is not my problem. (My parents took care of themselves.) |
Anonymous
If MIL has been married to FIL for more than 10 years, she will also have social security. She will draw a spouse's benefit off his contribution. |
Anonymous
Yeah, but she's still bean counting and considers the money she earns to be hers and not his. And lots of communication problems. But this is a great opportunity to talk things through with a pro and come out stronger on the other side! |
Anonymous
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I have a stubborn FIL who has refused to work since the age of 50. Claims he cant find a job but he just turned 60. I highly doubt that he really could not find a job for 10 years. He has burned through retirement taking everything he can early. He has refused to get any sort of medical insurance or preventative care in those 10 years. There are probably some mental issues at play, but despite numerous and repeated efforts by every possible family member and friend, he has refused treatment.
At this point, I too wash my hands of him. He will absolutely not live with us and we will absolutely not be making any sort of regular financial contribution to his situation. I refuse. And you better believe I will leave if I had to in order to protect my own and my children's financial future. |
Anonymous
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There are actually filial responsibility laws in MD and VA:
http://newoldage.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/11/20/unenforced-filial-responsibility-laws/?hp&_r=0 |
Anonymous
You should start a thread on this. I am in the same position and Set A doesn't get that we are "so rich that we shouls help them" (this includes Set A's extended family who think we are stingy and selfish) only because Set B takes care of child care, 1 private school tuition and gave us a huge downpayment on a house so I could stay home (health issues involved before anyone jumps on me). |
Anonymous
This is kind of my position too because my parents have helped me a lot financially and they are the reason why I am in the position I'm in today. They also helped with the wedding and with moving and household costs. My brother regularly babysits. DH's parents pled "poverty." DH's parents are looking to take advantage of my extended family's sacrifices. You are right to suggest that is another angle of unfairness. One of you should start a thread. -OP |
Anonymous
Well, yeah, but that means that you're willing to TAKE the help and money given you by family, but not willing to GIVE anything to other family. You are fine with benefittng from the sacrifices of others, but not okay with making sacrifices. Gotcha. |
Anonymous
You seem to have gotten lost along the way. The people asking for help aren't the ones who gave it. You don't get to go reap where you haven't sown using someone else's contributions as justification. |
Anonymous
They have never been enforced, and never will be. Don't quote that one in Pennsylvania, the circumstances were unusual. MD and VA have never enforced them, and in practice they would be unenforceable. |
Anonymous
OP's PARENTS helped her. Not vice-versa. It is normal for parents to help their children. When their children have children, they too will support their offspring. Biology flows downhill. |