S/O Elder care for parents who didn't provide child care

[Anonymous]

It is perfectly normal and natural to help family in need, whether they are parents, siblings, nieces, nephews, step-children. OP admits that she owes her financial success in large part to help from others, but thinks that she doesn't owe anyone else "squat." She is a taker, just like her mother in law.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is perfectly normal and natural to help family in need, whether they are parents, siblings, nieces, nephews, step-children. OP admits that she owes her financial success in large part to help from others, but thinks that she doesn't owe anyone else "squat." She is a taker, just like her mother in law.

You must be OP's mother in law! Anything to make yourself feel right about mooching.

[Anonymous]

Um, your MIL did provide child care, OP - to her SON. If one can't count on family as one ages, it is a pretty sad sign for our culture. I don't see eye to eye with my MIL (she has many issues) but I always try to remember that how I treat her is a good indicator of how my own kids will treat me someday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is perfectly normal and natural to help family in need, whether they are parents, siblings, nieces, nephews, step-children. OP admits that she owes her financial success in large part to help from others, but thinks that she doesn't owe anyone else "squat." She is a taker, just like her mother in law.

I can't speak for OP, but I am going to venture to guess that, should her parents need help, she would provide it. Both because they helped her and because they likely made an attempt to set themselves up for retirement, so help, if needed, would be due to extraordinary circumstances. That is my situation, and we would make sacrifices to help one spouses parents but not the other.

I also agree that some of the responses in this post are over the top. Lots of projection going on here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Um, your MIL did provide child care, OP - to her SON. If one can't count on family as one ages, it is a pretty sad sign for our culture. I don't see eye to eye with my MIL (she has many issues) but I always try to remember that how I treat her is a good indicator of how my own kids will treat me someday.

Are you going to mooch off your DIL, too?

[Anonymous]

Are people completely missing the fact that the ILs are quite young, in good health, live in a nice home, haven't saved, have been rude to OP, and just want OP and H to support them from here on out? Because I really don't understand the vitrol towards the OP given those facts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When your DH meets with his parents, or maybe even before, he needs to get them to give him all the cold hard facts of their finances. If FIL is willing to work just a few more years, his SS benefit will be much more at 70 than what he can claim at 67. MIL can get a spouse's benefit based on her husband's earnings, but not until 62 at the earliest, so that should encourage him to keep working at least that long. They should be looking into how to maximize their SS benefits. Hopefully, FIL will also have a pension.

When your ILs were young, it used to be a point of pride for a man to be able to provide for his family, and there were many men who didn't want their wives to work. Her husband may have had very strong feelings about that back when they were a young couple, and he could also be the one who controls the family finances. Your MIL may have a hard time dealing with him regarding their family money, but won't say that to her son or you. And if you are quick to judge and voice disapproval and your criticism of your MIL is obvious to her, she may also be fearing your wrath should she ever do anything wrong in your eyes while caring for your DC, and that may be a reason she declines to help you with childcare. She may feel stuck between a rock and a hard place both with you and with her husband, and her coping method may be to escape and avoid.

This is nonsense. I am 55, not much younger than OP's MIL, and my generation worked and we still work. We went to law school, medical school, etc.and it was always our expectation that we would work.

OP's MIL became an adult in the 70s, not the 40s or 50s. She is not an old lady from a distant generation.

FFS

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When your DH meets with his parents, or maybe even before, he needs to get them to give him all the cold hard facts of their finances. If FIL is willing to work just a few more years, his SS benefit will be much more at 70 than what he can claim at 67. MIL can get a spouse's benefit based on her husband's earnings, but not until 62 at the earliest, so that should encourage him to keep working at least that long. They should be looking into how to maximize their SS benefits. Hopefully, FIL will also have a pension.

When your ILs were young, it used to be a point of pride for a man to be able to provide for his family, and there were many men who didn't want their wives to work. Her husband may have had very strong feelings about that back when they were a young couple, and he could also be the one who controls the family finances. Your MIL may have a hard time dealing with him regarding their family money, but won't say that to her son or you. And if you are quick to judge and voice disapproval and your criticism of your MIL is obvious to her, she may also be fearing your wrath should she ever do anything wrong in your eyes while caring for your DC, and that may be a reason she declines to help you with childcare. She may feel stuck between a rock and a hard place both with you and with her husband, and her coping method may be to escape and avoid.

This is nonsense. I am 55, not much younger than OP's MIL, and my generation worked and we still work. We went to law school, medical school, etc.and it was always our expectation that we would work.

OP's MIL became an adult in the 70s, not the 40s or 50s. She is not an old lady from a distant generation.

FFS

Not nonsense. I am just a bit older than you, and although things began to change at that time, the generation of the 70's was raised by the parents of the 50's and early 60's who had traditional values. It was the young adults of the 60's and 70's that started turning the tide, but it was not by any means overwhelmingly common at that time. My neighborhood growing up was filled with stay at home moms and dads who were the sole providers for their families.

[Anonymous]

^^^ You only have to go as far as another thread in this category "my dad doesn't think I should be working" to find a man of that generation with that attitude.

[Anonymous]

The challenge is that OP and DH's families have different work ethics and sets of values. OP's family worked hard and helped her get in a good career path. In turn, she wants to do the same for her child. It sounds like her parents are financially independent as well. She works hard and envisions a similar lifestyle for her family.

DH's family does not work hard and is not responsible for themselves. They have an attitude of entitlement. OP's childcare point is not that she expects it from MIL- but rather it is something within the MIL's capability of doing and she chooses not to do so. She also chooses not to work. But she is quick to put her hand out. I also find it sad that emotionally she doesn't WANT to babysit her own grandchild, even occasionally.

OP knows that helping the ILs will come at the expense of her own family and values. That is tough.

Absolutely in-laws should not move in. FIL cannot retire yet. He is capable of working now, so he works. Too bad that his friends are retiring - he can't. In-laws should have to face some consequences. They also should sell the house and downsize into a more affordable place, using any equity as a nest egg. Any financial assistance that OP and DH provides should come with strings attached that require more responsible behavior now- example: help with moving fees for the downsizing in exchange for cooperation in meeting with a financial planner.

As others have pointed out, the really tough scenario is a destitute situation. OP try to do what you can to head that off now. I also agree with others that you will probably have to help them down the road when one or both are sick, etc. I'd start planning for it now. The reality is that you aren't probably going to have as many resources for your family as you would have if DH's family were more responsible.

[Anonymous]

I think you answered perfectly and respectfully. I don't think anyone "owes" anyone but you pointed out the practical matters of this particular situation. I think families should just do what they can when they can.

In my case it isn't a 1:1 correspondence of what I was given to what I can give back. My parents live far away and cannot help with childcare but I have a home setup that I could bring them to live if need be. My local in-laws provide childcare as needed but have resources that will likely never require them to live with us. It's not a matching game.

[Anonymous]

SAHM is a full-time, demanding, laudable job. But unless the circumstances are unique/extreme, it is a valid job only for 18-22 years.

After that, if you are not financially secure, you need to get a J-O-B and take responsibility for your financial future and security.

[Anonymous]

You people do realize that a 59 year old woman was 39 in 1995 right? And 29 in 1985?
That's significantly younger than my mother - who started back to work when my brother and I were old enough... Like 6th grade. Which was around 1989.


These people aren't destitute. They are conscientiously making bad choices. Acknowledging they are making bad choices. Saying they will continue on their current path, and then proceed to live off OP and her family.

I no way is that ok.
Everyone needs to get over the childcare aspect. Of course OP doesn't want this idiot watching her kid... But it's pretty bad that grandma has no interest in Her grandchild. I would be completely offended and hurt by that as well.

Op- figure out what you will need for your family and your child's future.
Then figure out what is left to help BOTH of your parents- cause yours may need it too.

Then have a come to Jesus with your IL's. They need to know now what kind of hell they can expect from their son.

[Anonymous]

^^ *help

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are people completely missing the fact that the ILs are quite young, in good health, live in a nice home, haven't saved, have been rude to OP, and just want OP and H to support them from here on out? Because I really don't understand the vitrol towards the OP given those facts.

+1 These in-laws have been completely disrespectful towards Op.