S/O Elder care for parents who didn't provide child care

[Anonymous]

Consensus in the thread asking why grandparents no longer provide child care seems to be that grandparents don't owe their kids and grandkids squat. Okay, I can agree with that. But is the reverse true?

DH's parents live close enough to help with our daughter and his mother is a lifelong SAHM. She is only 59, but prefers to keep her schedule open to watch TV all day, travel a few times a year, and make gossipy phone calls. So, we pay for child care and it is really eating into our finances. I am fine with this. Our kid, our problem.

Here's the rub: DH's parents have zero in retirement savings. Social security and DH's Dad working until he dies is what they are banking on. I make a good amount of money (more than DH) and kill myself to earn it. DH's mother has started dropping hints lately about how nice it would be for us all to move in together one day. They don't have jack shit to contribute, so I know DH and I would be basically carrying them financially, with the bulk coming from me. That is what DH's mother is after.

Recently, she made a joke about living with us and I responded with a grin: "Paying for child care is eating through the money we'd have helped you with." She dropped the topic quickly. I don't think I owe her and FIL squat. She has spent her life as she pleases, staying home instead of building financial security by working, not giving a red cent to DH for college because thinks kids are responsible for their own education, and refusing to help with her grandkid because she would rather catch up on talk shows. Am I wrong? I think DH will go along with what I decide.

[Anonymous]

You owe them because they gave you your DH and DC. Yes, you need to find a way to take care of them if and when the time comes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You owe them because they gave you your DH and DC. Yes, you need to find a way to take care of them if and when the time comes.

Unless there's some new infertility treatment I don't know about, I'm pretty sure grand parents don't give birth to their grand children.

[Anonymous]

I don't think OP sounds like a bitch at all.

I do think her husband will be terribly sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a bitch. Can't believe you said that.

NP.

1. You're an asshole.

2. Double standard. People who dont want to give grandparents anything are bad, but women in the other thread were also bad for wanting childcare from grandparents? Obligation can't flow in just one direction.

I don't agree with calling someone a bitch, but you are wrong. The parental obligation has been met...they raised her husband! Now he can give back to them and help them. OPs response was awful IMO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Consensus in the thread asking why grandparents no longer provide child care seems to be that grandparents don't owe their kids and grandkids squat. Okay, I can agree with that. But is the reverse true?

DH's parents live close enough to help with our daughter and his mother is a lifelong SAHM. She is only 59, but prefers to keep her schedule open to watch TV all day, travel a few times a year, and make gossipy phone calls. So, we pay for child care and it is really eating into our finances. I am fine with this. Our kid, our problem.

Here's the rub: DH's parents have zero in retirement savings. Social security and DH's Dad working until he dies is what they are banking on. I make a good amount of money (more than DH) and kill myself to earn it. DH's mother has started dropping hints lately about how nice it would be for us all to move in together one day. They don't have jack shit to contribute, so I know DH and I would be basically carrying them financially, with the bulk coming from me. That is what DH's mother is after.

Recently, she made a joke about living with us and I responded with a grin: "Paying for child care is eating through the money we'd have helped you with." She dropped the topic quickly. I don't think I owe her and FIL squat. She has spent her life as she pleases, staying home instead of building financial security by working, not giving a red cent to DH for college because thinks kids are responsible for their own education, and refusing to help with her grandkid because she would rather catch up on talk shows. Am I wrong? I think DH will go along with what I decide.

even if they helped with the grandkid - childcare savings to you would be about ~2K a month for what 4 years? 96K total. a decent retirement home per person is what ~7K per month? So 14K for 2 ppl. 96K buys less than 7 years of care for 2 elderly people. 6.8 to be exact. So if they are to need care for any longer than this - you lose. Perhaps it's better that they don't help?

Stepping away from the math of it there are 2 more considerations: 1) you're showing your kids how to treat elderly parents, be careful what kind of lesson they will take away 2) being kind is hard, but that's what it takes to have any kind of moral values, be it Christian values or just decent people type of values.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like there's more to this backstory than OP has posted. My guess-- you work a high-stress job and it would have been nice for MIL to helped out with child care (if not serve as primary provider). She instead chose to keep her schedule free to watch soaps or whatever. But now she wants you to take of them?
Forget it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a bitch. Can't believe you said that.

NP.

1. You're an asshole.

2. Double standard. People who dont want to give grandparents anything are bad, but women in the other thread were also bad for wanting childcare from grandparents? Obligation can't flow in just one direction.

I don't agree with calling someone a bitch, but you are wrong. The parental obligation has been met...they raised her husband! Now he can give back to them and help them. OPs response was awful IMO.

Meh.

"I had you against your will purely for my own sake, so I get to sponge off you forever ... but don't you ask for anything!"

Not buying into that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think OP sounds like a bitch at all.

I do think her husband will be terribly sad.

+1

While OP can cut her DH off from his parents, I don't know why she feels she should.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think OP sounds like a bitch at all.

I do think her husband will be terribly sad.

+1

While OP can cut her DH off from his parents, I don't know why she feels she should.

Are you guys reading some addendum I missed? I don't see anything about cutting off, unless you think denying financial help automatically means no contact.

[Anonymous]

I don't think I have ever encountered such selfish women as I see on dcum. My mil was a royal bitch who showed no interest in her grandchildren and by all accounts was a a pretty awful mom. We still supported her for over a decade. She was family, she gave birth to my Dh and her care was our obligation. What the hell has become of our society where everything is tit for tat and no one does the right thing simply because it is the right thing?

[Anonymous]

I saw be blunt with them--i.e. "we will help with your reitrement if you help us with child care and grow closer to your own grandchild.."

If they were both working, the child care issue would be different. But, if the grandparent doesn't want to spend that much time establishing a daily relationship with their grandchild, what will the grandchild learn when her parents then take care of the in-laws?

I'll tell you what I learned in the same situation: don't be a push over. Watched my grandmother emotionally abuse my Mom and try to get everything she could from my Mom and Dad. They put up with it, because they were "supposed to." I'm not doing it, and it's not a good thing to let your child see your own family use you and not respect you.

Set some guidelines and let the inlaws know you will do your part if they do their part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like there's more to this backstory than OP has posted. My guess-- you work a high-stress job and it would have been nice for MIL to helped out with child care (if not serve as primary provider). She instead chose to keep her schedule free to watch soaps or whatever. But now she wants you to take of them?
Forget it.

Yup. That's exactly it. She also had a lot to say behind my back about the caliber of mother I am for not staying home. I didn't confront her. I made my choices and her opinions are her right. Now she wants to benefit from the financial security I have achieved because I stayed in the workforce, instead of picking my toenails on the couch with her. I am trying to look at this from many angles, but I just can't see how she is owed anything.

-OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Consensus in the thread asking why grandparents no longer provide child care seems to be that grandparents don't owe their kids and grandkids squat. Okay, I can agree with that. But is the reverse true?

DH's parents live close enough to help with our daughter and his mother is a lifelong SAHM. She is only 59, but prefers to keep her schedule open to watch TV all day, travel a few times a year, and make gossipy phone calls. So, we pay for child care and it is really eating into our finances. I am fine with this. Our kid, our problem.

Here's the rub: DH's parents have zero in retirement savings. Social security and DH's Dad working until he dies is what they are banking on. I make a good amount of money (more than DH) and kill myself to earn it. DH's mother has started dropping hints lately about how nice it would be for us all to move in together one day. They don't have jack shit to contribute, so I know DH and I would be basically carrying them financially, with the bulk coming from me. That is what DH's mother is after.

Recently, she made a joke about living with us and I responded with a grin: "Paying for child care is eating through the money we'd have helped you with." She dropped the topic quickly. I don't think I owe her and FIL squat. She has spent her life as she pleases, staying home instead of building financial security by working, not giving a red cent to DH for college because thinks kids are responsible for their own education, and refusing to help with her grandkid because she would rather catch up on talk shows. Am I wrong? I think DH will go along with what I decide.

Or you could stay home and raise your own kid if you can't afford childcare, instead of being this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think I have ever encountered such selfish women as I see on dcum. My mil was a royal bitch who showed no interest in her grandchildren and by all accounts was a a pretty awful mom. We still supported her for over a decade. She was family, she gave birth to my Dh and her care was our obligation. What the hell has become of our society where everything is tit for tat and no one does the right thing simply because it is the right thing?

I thought being a martyr was its own reward, but clearly you want a pat on the back: Congrats. You're a sucker who let a selfish bitch bleed you. You win?