S/O Elder care for parents who didn't provide child care

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:SAHM is a full-time, demanding, laudable job. But unless the circumstances are unique/extreme, it is a valid job only for 18-22 years.

After that, if you are not financially secure, you need to get a J-O-B and take responsibility for your financial future and security.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When your DH meets with his parents, or maybe even before, he needs to get them to give him all the cold hard facts of their finances. If FIL is willing to work just a few more years, his SS benefit will be much more at 70 than what he can claim at 67. MIL can get a spouse's benefit based on her husband's earnings, but not until 62 at the earliest, so that should encourage him to keep working at least that long. They should be looking into how to maximize their SS benefits. Hopefully, FIL will also have a pension.

When your ILs were young, it used to be a point of pride for a man to be able to provide for his family, and there were many men who didn't want their wives to work. Her husband may have had very strong feelings about that back when they were a young couple, and he could also be the one who controls the family finances. Your MIL may have a hard time dealing with him regarding their family money, but won't say that to her son or you. And if you are quick to judge and voice disapproval and your criticism of your MIL is obvious to her, she may also be fearing your wrath should she ever do anything wrong in your eyes while caring for your DC, and that may be a reason she declines to help you with childcare. She may feel stuck between a rock and a hard place both with you and with her husband, and her coping method may be to escape and avoid.

This is nonsense. I am 55, not much younger than OP's MIL, and my generation worked and we still work. We went to law school, medical school, etc.and it was always our expectation that we would work.

OP's MIL became an adult in the 70s, not the 40s or 50s. She is not an old lady from a distant generation.

FFS

Not nonsense. I am just a bit older than you, and although things began to change at that time, the generation of the 70's was raised by the parents of the 50's and early 60's who had traditional values. It was the young adults of the 60's and 70's that started turning the tide, but it was not by any means overwhelmingly common at that time. My neighborhood growing up was filled with stay at home moms and dads who were the sole providers for their families.

Push. So what if your neighborhood was filled with SAHMs? Mine was too. But my sisters and I were educated and work, as do our friends and cousins and classmates, all ages 52-62.

OP's MIL could have worked, but didn't.

[Anonymous]

I would make an agreement with her to care for her, if she would agree to childcare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When your DH meets with his parents, or maybe even before, he needs to get them to give him all the cold hard facts of their finances. If FIL is willing to work just a few more years, his SS benefit will be much more at 70 than what he can claim at 67. MIL can get a spouse's benefit based on her husband's earnings, but not until 62 at the earliest, so that should encourage him to keep working at least that long. They should be looking into how to maximize their SS benefits. Hopefully, FIL will also have a pension.

When your ILs were young, it used to be a point of pride for a man to be able to provide for his family, and there were many men who didn't want their wives to work. Her husband may have had very strong feelings about that back when they were a young couple, and he could also be the one who controls the family finances. Your MIL may have a hard time dealing with him regarding their family money, but won't say that to her son or you. And if you are quick to judge and voice disapproval and your criticism of your MIL is obvious to her, she may also be fearing your wrath should she ever do anything wrong in your eyes while caring for your DC, and that may be a reason she declines to help you with childcare. She may feel stuck between a rock and a hard place both with you and with her husband, and her coping method may be to escape and avoid.

This is nonsense. I am 55, not much younger than OP's MIL, and my generation worked and we still work. We went to law school, medical school, etc.and it was always our expectation that we would work.

OP's MIL became an adult in the 70s, not the 40s or 50s. She is not an old lady from a distant generation.

FFS

Not nonsense. I am just a bit older than you, and although things began to change at that time, the generation of the 70's was raised by the parents of the 50's and early 60's who had traditional values. It was the young adults of the 60's and 70's that started turning the tide, but it was not by any means overwhelmingly common at that time. My neighborhood growing up was filled with stay at home moms and dads who were the sole providers for their families.

Push. So what if your neighborhood was filled with SAHMs? Mine was too. But my sisters and I were educated and work, as do our friends and cousins and classmates, all ages 52-62.

OP's MIL could have worked, but didn't.

+1 And could work now!!!!

[Anonymous]

OP, where do you live? It sounds like there are dozens of posters here who are willing to hire your 59-year-old mother-in-law who has never worked an outside job in her life! I had no idea she was so employable, but the financial gurus here on DCUM say she is. You're in luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, where do you live? It sounds like there are dozens of posters here who are willing to hire your 59-year-old mother-in-law who has never worked an outside job in her life! I had no idea she was so employable, but the financial gurus here on DCUM say she is. You're in luck!

Retail, for one, would be a good option, as younger workers prefer late/weekend shifts to accommodate school and second jobs, etc. when I worked part-time at Ann Taylor in grad school, half the "day shift" during week days were older ladies.

[Anonymous]

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/deanna-brann-phd/the-power-of-the-motherin_b_5830582.html

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:http://www.huffingtonpost.com/deanna-brann-phd/the-power-of-the-motherin_b_5830582.html

The solution is not to put even more On the MIL/DIL dynamic, but for husbands to STEP UP and better manage communication, boundary-setting, and overall family dynamics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, where do you live? It sounds like there are dozens of posters here who are willing to hire your 59-year-old mother-in-law who has never worked an outside job in her life! I had no idea she was so employable, but the financial gurus here on DCUM say she is. You're in luck!

If target is willing to hire fresh off the boat Ethiopian ladies who barely speak English- I'm sure they'd be happy to have MIL join the team.

[Anonymous]

^^^ not to mention she could have been looking for a job for the past 10 years at the very least.

[Anonymous]

OP - have you offered to pay your MIL for babysitting/nannying? It could be a part of the larger conversation about their savings. Perhaps you could offer less than what you pay now for childcare, but still enough that, if it were placed in savings, could help keep them financially independent. 59 is really young to start trying to mooch off of your kids using the elderly pass, imo. They are still young enough to make some good decisions that can help them retire well. Downsizing, renting a room in their home, part time work...these are all parts of possible solutions.

[Anonymous]

OP, here's another thought. If you have young children, even a relatively young MIL could find full-time child care demanding. On the other hand, once you have teens it could be useful to have Grandma available after school and on vacation. It's easier for an older woman to supervise homework, Internet use, and phone use than it is to chase toddlers.

[Anonymous]

Idk why the op would want her MIL to watch her kid, it sounds like she'd just watch TV and make phone calls all day. Sounds like pretty lousy care.