S/O Elder care for parents who didn't provide child care

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Consensus in the thread asking why grandparents no longer provide child care seems to be that grandparents don't owe their kids and grandkids squat. Okay, I can agree with that. But is the reverse true?

DH's parents live close enough to help with our daughter and his mother is a lifelong SAHM. She is only 59, but prefers to keep her schedule open to watch TV all day, travel a few times a year, and make gossipy phone calls. So, we pay for child care and it is really eating into our finances. I am fine with this. Our kid, our problem.

Here's the rub: DH's parents have zero in retirement savings. Social security and DH's Dad working until he dies is what they are banking on. I make a good amount of money (more than DH) and kill myself to earn it. DH's mother has started dropping hints lately about how nice it would be for us all to move in together one day. They don't have jack shit to contribute, so I know DH and I would be basically carrying them financially, with the bulk coming from me. That is what DH's mother is after.

Recently, she made a joke about living with us and I responded with a grin: "Paying for child care is eating through the money we'd have helped you with." She dropped the topic quickly. I don't think I owe her and FIL squat. She has spent her life as she pleases, staying home instead of building financial security by working, not giving a red cent to DH for college because thinks kids are responsible for their own education, and refusing to help with her grandkid because she would rather catch up on talk shows. Am I wrong? I think DH will go along with what I decide.

Or you could stay home and raise your own kid if you can't afford childcare, instead of being this way.

Nope. I stay in the workforce for many important reasons (not the least of which is not being a burden to my kids in later years). It's hard, but I've put on my big girl panties and am making it happen. Just don't see why I should also carry a woman who has made a lifestyle of taking the easy way out.

-OP

[Anonymous]

Do you really even want her help? Won't your kid also be watching trashy tv and listening to gossipy phone calls all day long? I don't get this expectation that grandparents will provide childcare other than as a favor/gift. Nobody owes you childcare. She did her time raising kids already, maybe she just wants to relax. I think you need to separate the issue of her care in old age from childcare for your kid. They're not related.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you really even want her help? Won't your kid also be watching trashy tv and listening to gossipy phone calls all day long? I don't get this expectation that grandparents will provide childcare other than as a favor/gift. Nobody owes you childcare. She did her time raising kids already, maybe she just wants to relax. I think you need to separate the issue of her care in old age from childcare for your kid. They're not related.

No, of course OP wouldn't want her MIL to watch her children, then she'd have to give up some control. She'd prefer to have them in care anyway. But now she can feel righteous about feeling no obligation toward her family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think I have ever encountered such selfish women as I see on dcum. My mil was a royal bitch who showed no interest in her grandchildren and by all accounts was a a pretty awful mom. We still supported her for over a decade. She was family, she gave birth to my Dh and her care was our obligation. What the hell has become of our society where everything is tit for tat and no one does the right thing simply because it is the right thing?

I thought being a martyr was its own reward, but clearly you want a pat on the back: Congrats. You're a sucker who let a selfish bitch bleed you. You win?

No martyr complex here, just a decent human being who is committed to doing the right thing even when other don't. It is called maturity and being the bigger person. Not everyone thinks only of themselves. If I did I would be just like my mil--a tact many of you are hell bent on employeeing. Seems like your Dh married a gal just like dear old mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you really even want her help? Won't your kid also be watching trashy tv and listening to gossipy phone calls all day long? I don't get this expectation that grandparents will provide childcare other than as a favor/gift. Nobody owes you childcare. She did her time raising kids already, maybe she just wants to relax. I think you need to separate the issue of her care in old age from childcare for your kid. They're not related.

Wait, so why does OP not get to enjoy her savings after "doing time" at work to earn them? The money spent on old people without a pot to piss in (at least partly because MIL refused to work) should be spent on things OP, the one who worked for that money, wants.

[Anonymous]

I am always appalled at how gross and selfish women on Dcum can be. Shame on your dh if he lets you alienate him from his own mother.

You may want to be aware you are teaching your children how to treat yourself when you are older.

There is a tale about how an old man grew old and infirm and his family gave him a wooden bowl to eat out of instead of a porcelain one. The old man was unhappy. One day the mom and dad saw their own son fashioning a wooden bowl, the son said he was making the bowl so the mom and dad could eat out of it when they were old.

With unrateful children like that I am not surprised people are choosing to be child free. You spend 250k on their upbringing and they bitch and moan and find excuses to abandons you.

[Anonymous]

I don't get this fake martyr thing parents like to pull. You had kids to satisfy your own damn self. You don't get credit for taking care of responsibilities you laid down and made. You damn sure shouldn't get to burden those kids with yourself when they are trying to make a life.

Here's a novel idea: Be supportive and nice if you know you'll want people's help. Don't come with your hand out because you didn't use a condom 35 or whatever years ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am always appalled at how gross and selfish women on Dcum can be. Shame on your dh if he lets you alienate him from his own mother.

You may want to be aware you are teaching your children how to treat yourself when you are older.

There is a tale about how an old man grew old and infirm and his family gave him a wooden bowl to eat out of instead of a porcelain one. The old man was unhappy. One day the mom and dad saw their own son fashioning a wooden bowl, the son said he was making the bowl so the mom and dad could eat out of it when they were old.

With unrateful children like that I am not surprised people are choosing to be child free. You spend 250k on their upbringing and they bitch and moan and find excuses to abandons you.

Earth is overcrowded. Stop popping out babies as insurance and have the common sense to save for old age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You owe them because they gave you your DH and DC. Yes, you need to find a way to take care of them if and when the time comes.

Bull shite. I would never... They are adults who have chosen to live their lives foolishly. No, they don't owe op anything particularly regarding daycare but you better believe it is not her job to support them. They would be stealing from their grandchildren. How selfish of them.

[Anonymous]

Ok OP, so this means you will provide childcare for your children when you retire?

Of course you don't owe her anything. That said, how does your husband feel? If it were my parents I would be mad at my spouse for expecting tit for tat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't get this fake martyr thing parents like to pull. You had kids to satisfy your own damn self. You don't get credit for taking care of responsibilities you laid down and made. You damn sure shouldn't get to burden those kids with yourself when they are trying to make a life.

Here's a novel idea: Be supportive and nice if you know you'll want people's help. Don't come with your hand out because you didn't use a condom 35 or whatever years ago.[/quote
Blah blah blah. Whatever to justify your selfishness. Don't burden your own kids someday ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok OP, so this means you will provide childcare for your children when you retire?

Of course you don't owe her anything. That said, how does your husband feel? If it were my parents I would be mad at my spouse for expecting tit for tat.

Not only will I happily care for my grandkids, but also I will help my daughter financially. My MIL gave her kids the bare minimum. I believe I owe my kids far more and if I can't help, I will at least not turn myself into another dependent.

DH knows I would be justified not to even speak to MIL after the way she has talked about and to me, among other things. I have been so unfailingly polite and kind to her that he can't ask me to empty my pockets on top of it. The comment I mentioned in my first post was my way of letting MIL know for the first time in advance so that she can look to whatever Plan B is. If DH hadn't married a high earner, MIL and FIL would still grow old, wouldn't they?

-OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok OP, so this means you will provide childcare for your children when you retire?

Of course you don't owe her anything. That said, how does your husband feel? If it were my parents I would be mad at my spouse for expecting tit for tat.

Not only will I happily care for my grandkids, but also I will help my daughter financially. My MIL gave her kids the bare minimum. I believe I owe my kids far more and if I can't help, I will at least not turn myself into another dependent.

DH knows I would be justified not to even speak to MIL after the way she has talked about and to me, among other things. I have been so unfailingly polite and kind to her that he can't ask me to empty my pockets on top of it. The comment I mentioned in my first post was my way of letting MIL know for the first time in advance so that she can look to whatever Plan B is. If DH hadn't married a high earner, MIL and FIL would still grow old, wouldn't they?

-OP

Screw her. She can collect SS, paid for by millions of working moms like yourself. If she doesn't like it, get a job. My DH already knows I will divorce before I will support a lazy piece of shit relative.

[Anonymous]

^^^Well, aren't you a peach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok OP, so this means you will provide childcare for your children when you retire?

Of course you don't owe her anything. That said, how does your husband feel? If it were my parents I would be mad at my spouse for expecting tit for tat.

Not only will I happily care for my grandkids, but also I will help my daughter financially. My MIL gave her kids the bare minimum. I believe I owe my kids far more and if I can't help, I will at least not turn myself into another dependent.

DH knows I would be justified not to even speak to MIL after the way she has talked about and to me, among other things. I have been so unfailingly polite and kind to her that he can't ask me to empty my pockets on top of it. The comment I mentioned in my first post was my way of letting MIL know for the first time in advance so that she can look to whatever Plan B is. If DH hadn't married a high earner, MIL and FIL would still grow old, wouldn't they?

-OP

You sound very passive aggressive. Why not ask her to care for your children if that is what you want? You post above makes it clear that the financial support is really about your anger towards her for many things, not simply about childcare.

Maybe step back a realize not everyone is like you. Not everyone works instead of raising kids. Not everyone provides college funds. Does that really mean that she doesn't love your DH or your kids? Really?