Teen daughter "didn't wait"...how to proceed?

[Anonymous]

I started having sex at 15 (female in my 20s yet). No babies and no pregnancies. I always used condoms. The pill wouldn't hurt. She should see a gyno.

[Anonymous]

IUD parent back - I agree with the sentiment expressed earlier - providing birth control is good and appropriate. Providing a place to have sex conveniently? Not my job. If you want to have sex in a private room graduate from HS, get admitted to college and have fun there. At my house friends of the opposite sex do not hang out in bedrooms unsupervised (with my knowledge). Basically, you have to work at it. If they want to sneak around behind my back, I'm not setting up cameras to prevent it, but I'm also not hosting a hotel here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Curious, would everyone's mindset be the same if the children in question were 13? Or 11? Eleven year olds can have urges. A girl of 11 could already have started menstruation so she is old enough to need BC. Should a parent see this as normal and allow the 11 year olds to have sex at home rather than let them sneak around?

Because I can't get there mentally. I just can't get to the place of openly supporting kids that young having sex, but most on this thread seem like they might.

But the children in question are not 13, or 11. They are 15.

Right. So the age makes a difference? Because plenty of posts are saying, well these kids are going to do it no matter what so have the open conversation, make a safe place, get the girl on BC. So where do we draw the line? High school age? But what about middle schoolers? They can get STDs and unwanted pregnancies? So is 13 the limit where we should support a sexual relationship? What makes a HS freshman better equipped to handle an adult relationship than a 7th grader.

Yes, of course age makes a difference. Would OP as concerned if his daughter were 18, or 21, or 45? Would you?

And neither a high school freshman nor a seventh grader are equipped to handle an adult relationship, but that's ok, because neither of them are having an adult relationship. "Adult relationship" is not the same as "sexual relationship".

Also, as a general principle, my position is that people who are having sex that may lead to pregnancy should use contraception, and that is true regardless of how old the people are. "I do not condone you having sex, and I forbid you to do it" is not an effective method of contraception.

Adult relationship was probably not the right term, but there are profound implications physically and emotionally for a child having sex and I don't think making sure Sierra and Jordan are well stocked in condoms and IUDs while I check my bed for stray hairs every night is the way to go on this. I just don't.

So 11 year olds having sex in your home is not OK, 13 year olds having sex in your home is natural.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Adult relationship was probably not the right term, but there are profound implications physically and emotionally for a child having sex and I don't think making sure Sierra and Jordan are well stocked in condoms and IUDs while I check my bed for stray hairs every night is the way to go on this. I just don't.

So 11 year olds having sex in your home is not OK, 13 year olds having sex in your home is natural.

Then what is the way to go on? If you forbid Sierra or Jordan to have sex, will that stop them? Maybe. What if it doesn't?

And again, nobody is talking about 11-year-olds or 13-year-olds.

[Anonymous]

Anyone really recommend an IUD for a teen?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone really recommend an IUD for a teen?

Yes, medical professionals / ACOG.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone really recommend an IUD for a teen?

Yes, medical professionals / ACOG.

Implants and intrauterine devices (IUDs) should be offered as first-line contraceptive options for sexually active adolescents, according to new guidelines issued today by The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (The College). Both the implant and the IUD are the most effective reversible contraceptives for preventing unintended pregnancy and abortion in teens and adult women.


http://www.acog.org/About-ACOG/News-Room/News-Releases/2012/IUDs-and-Contraceptive-Implants-Safe-for-Teens

[Anonymous]

Run to Planned Parenthood. They are great.

[Anonymous]

I haven't seen any suggestions to get tested for STDs regularly. I think she should get tested at her first visit, and make sure she gets tested regularly thereafter. And please make sure she understands how common some STDs are. It's hard for a teenager to believe she'd need to be concerned about STDs when she's in a committed relationship.

[Anonymous]

Hi, all...OP here.

Thanks to all who have offered their advice/suggestions/opinions on this (even the ones who pointed out that I should've been more on top of things from the get-go)!

I know a lot of you have expressed a desire for more details, and I imagine the curiosity might be running high. Yesterday was a busy day, to say the least. My daughter and I both took the day off yesterday to talk & take care of the doctor visit, and then her boyfriend came over for dinner last night. Here's where things stand:

- They've been active for approx. 3 months. Sunday was just the first time I walked in on them.
- Only random condom usage up to this point.
- No pregnancy yet. We're currently waiting on STD results from my daughter's tests.
- Boyfriend agreed to talk to his parents last night & get tested as well. We've set up a family dinner this weekend to clear the air.
- They've agreed to a cooling-off period while we work out BC & test results.
- BC: Doctor recommended going either the IUD or implant route; we're considering and have a follow-up on Friday.
- I really appreciated the PP who made the comment about not ever wanting to see his son having sex, and extending the same courtesy. I laid out a similar policy, and my daughter actually had the nerve to give me an "eww!" when I mentioned the possibility of her ever walking in on me having sex. I thought that was ironic, and told her so. We've agreed to a rough "respect each other's privacy" policy for the time being, and I'll see how that goes.

In general, they both know I'm not thrilled about the situation, but since the horse is out of the barn, we're just trying to plot a safe & decent course going forward. That said, dinner with his parents this weekend should be an interesting event.

Thanks again for all the support & suggestions. VERY MUCH APPRECIATED!

[Anonymous]

Way to go, OP! I really like the idea of a family dinner for all involved. You really got your daughter's attention when she said "Eww." Thanks for the update.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would also make sure that she understands that she can stop having sex if she decides she is not ready down the road. Many girls feel like it is expected if they have done it before (whether the current boyfriend expects it or another boyfriend in the future).

+1

She may feel that now she is in (has to be in) a sexual relationship. Make sure she understands that one "yes" does not mean yes going forward unless she wants it to.

YES TO THIS. And also, with this guy, she can stop anytime. I'd emphasize waiting to have sex in the future until she's in a committed and loving relationship. Not until marriage.

It sounds like you're doing a good job. You have one lucky daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi, all...OP here.

Thanks to all who have offered their advice/suggestions/opinions on this (even the ones who pointed out that I should've been more on top of things from the get-go)!

I know a lot of you have expressed a desire for more details, and I imagine the curiosity might be running high. Yesterday was a busy day, to say the least. My daughter and I both took the day off yesterday to talk & take care of the doctor visit, and then her boyfriend came over for dinner last night. Here's where things stand:

- They've been active for approx. 3 months. Sunday was just the first time I walked in on them.
- Only random condom usage up to this point.
- No pregnancy yet. We're currently waiting on STD results from my daughter's tests.
- Boyfriend agreed to talk to his parents last night & get tested as well. We've set up a family dinner this weekend to clear the air.
- They've agreed to a cooling-off period while we work out BC & test results.
- BC: Doctor recommended going either the IUD or implant route; we're considering and have a follow-up on Friday.
- I really appreciated the PP who made the comment about not ever wanting to see his son having sex, and extending the same courtesy. I laid out a similar policy, and my daughter actually had the nerve to give me an "eww!" when I mentioned the possibility of her ever walking in on me having sex. I thought that was ironic, and told her so. We've agreed to a rough "respect each other's privacy" policy for the time being, and I'll see how that goes.

In general, they both know I'm not thrilled about the situation, but since the horse is out of the barn, we're just trying to plot a safe & decent course going forward. That said, dinner with his parents this weekend should be an interesting event.

Thanks again for all the support & suggestions. VERY MUCH APPRECIATED!

Such a good resolution. Nice one Dad. Please update us after the dinner with his folks. That should be awesome.

[Anonymous]

Way to go Dad! Getting it all out in the open may decrease the allure. Also, knowing she may have to get an BC implant may turn her off from being sexually active. Could be a good excuse for keeping their activities "heavy petting." Maybe ask her if she's willing to dial it back a notch.

[Anonymous]

Maybe I'm just from a different generation, but if I knew my parents were going to be involved in my sex life, said sex life would end pretty quickly.

Just the thought of the sex-life dinner...yikes! Good idea, on many fronts.