Teen daughter "didn't wait"...how to proceed?
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Anonymous
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Great that she waited until she's 15? Might as well celebrate and give the happy couple a copy of the Kama Sutra ...after all, they'll never be as flexible as they are right now. Right?
What the heck ever happened to *dating* - going to a movie, or out for ice cream, or ice skating, or dances..you know, goofy teenage kid stuff. Why are some of you all so pleased to see your 13 year old going on 30? They are only kids once. I try to encourage my own kids to stay as carefree as possible now - there will be plenty of time later for the grown up stuff. |
Anonymous
Great that you encourage them. But they're humans with urges. Thongs happen. |
Anonymous
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Things.
Ha |
Anonymous
Decent idea, actually. Probably along with some discussions and books that are a bit more informative as to the basics, the emotions, safety, and the like, just for the sake of completeness.
Nothing? That stuff is hardly mutually exclusive with a relationship that includes sex. The majority of us here on a parenting discussion board have likely had sex, but I bet our lives still contain dates, movies, ice cream, dancing, board games, cooking dinner, going to work, cleaning the house, and a whole variety of assorted other activities that make up a life. Sex is a way to feel a particularly intense and intimate form of pleasure, and it is great for most people, but it's not some huge, all-consuming thing that's going to completely take over most people's lives as long as they have been taught to have a healthy outlook towards it.
Sorry, don't get this one. Sex can be pleasurable at either of those ages, or ages in between, or ages after. It doesn't have to be a one time thing, and sex or no sex there are plenty of other differences between a teen and a 30 something year old adult. Consensual sex undertaken in a healthy relationship and with full awareness and acceptance of various risks and safer sex practices can add an enjoyable aspect to people's lives well before age 30. Engaging in any various forms of sexual activity doesn't preclude engaging in the obligations and other activities of whatever age/stage of their life someone is at. A 15 year old who is having sex is still spending time with friends, going to school, working part time, going on dates, helping out at home, and still generally being a 15 year old. They're just a 15 year old who happens to have added the pleasure of sex into their life alongside other aspects. That seems to me to be a healthier and more balanced view to take, otherwise it feels like the quote from your post is basically saying that once someone is sexually active sex becomes the only important thing in their life and their sexual experiences are the only relevant thing about their identity. I'm not sure that's exactly what you meant to be saying, so I must have misunderstood otherwise I find that a scary message with which I disagree emphatically. FWIW, my views and approach to this (I'm 17:30 on the previous page): I don't think OP has a problem here or anything to be upset about. His DD sounds like a great kid with a healthy romantic relationship that happens to also include sex, a sensible approach to things in her life, including said relationship, and a respectful and open relationship with her father. Good for her. I don't view sex as bad or something to be avoided, delayed, disapproved of, or whatever. It's probably best kept private, because hearing about sex makes many people uncomfortable and making others uncomfortable is not very nice, but there's nothing inherently negative about it. In fact, for many people sex is great and very, very positive. Sure, there are risks, and anyone considering engaging in sex needs to make sure that they and their partner(s) are educated and able to make prudent decisions. Sure, there are laws, and anyone who doesn't want to deal with potentially really unpleasant consequences had better be careful to follow them. Absolutely, it is one hundred percent essential to ensure that all partners are enthusiastically and proactively consenting to everything that happens every time it happens. Beyond that, though, and respecting the rights of others who just don't want to see, hear about, or even know about your private business, I'm not going to set an arbitrary age limit or be upset my teen has discovered her sexuality -- it is obviously a natural, AND GOOD, part of herself and should be respected just as all other aspects of her should be. I also take issue with the cultural idea that sex absolutely must be the most emotionally significant thing in a young person's life once it happens, or that will inevitably totally ruin relationships and cause emotional upheaval. That can happen, absolutely, and that is a factor that must be considered and a potential risk that must be weighed. Honestly, though, a huge part of that can be managed by understanding expectations and having open communication. Sex can be a very emotionally significant thing that involves a deep connection between people, or it can have little emotional context and be mainly about the pleasure of the act or anywhere in between, it can be expected to be a long term relationship or a one time thing or anywhere in between, it can be in the context of romantic relationship or any other kind of consenting relationship at all, and it can involve whatever degree of exclusive commitment the partners mutually agree is acceptable -- and all of these things are equally GOOD and RIGHT as long as they are good and right for everyone involved in the relationship. The determination of when someone is ready for sex is not their age according to the calendar but rather when they feel ready to consent to it, when they are wiling to educate themselves as to how to enjoy themselves safely, and when they are able to engage in open, honest, complete communication with their partner(s) to ensure that everyone is on the same page with regard to expectations and that everyone's emotional and physical needs will be met while respecting individual boundaries. Anyone mature enough to do all of that is mature enough for sex regardless of age; anyone who refuses to do any of that is not ready to be having sex no matter how old they are. |
Anonymous
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^Pp I think my point is that these kids are still children. They aren't living together and (hopefully) they aren't sleeping over at each other's houses. They aren't supporting themselves, they sure as heck aren't ready to deal with VD, pregnancy, BABIES.
They spend time together, sure. But why are they spending this much time together? Go out - go to a movie and have ice cream afterwards. Then go home to their own houses. Go to dinner then go to the school dance - I want you home by (whatever) time. Why are they spending so much time alone in each other's bedrooms. Is it a surprise that they're having sex? Well, no it is not. OF COURSE that's what they're doing. And that is why these PARENTS are sitting around at dinner chatting with each other about their KIDS' sex life. I can not even imagine... Newsflash - A 15 year old is not a grown up. |
Anonymous
Best typo ever. |
Anonymous
| This Dad is a good person. If my DH had found our daughter with an african american boy he would have flipped out. |
Anonymous
PP, many parents see the teenage years as being a gray area between "child" and "adult." Teenagers are children who are LEARNING how to be adults. They are doing that in a variety of ways, including becoming educated about more intellectual, nuanced things than they experienced in elementary school, working at part-time jobs, and, YES, becoming involved in romantic relationships. I don't know how much time you think the kids are spending together, but as a teenager, I did not have a problem going to school regular hours, working a part time job, participating in extracurricular activities, spending time with my family, spending time with my friend AND being romantic with my boyfriend. We weren't having sex all the time and it wasn't coming at the expense of other things by any measurable criteria - both of our grades were good, we both excelled in our various extras, we were recognized at work as being dependable, our friends and families did not complain that we were never around, etc.. If you don't find it surprising that teenagers are having sex, I don't understand why you're upset that the parents of the teenage couple in question would check in with each other about the issue. Screaming "NO NO NO NO NO" is not going to be effective at this point (if it would ever be effective). Is your suggestion that the parents pretend that nothing is happening? |
Anonymous
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Yes. Teenage years are a transition from little kid to adult. Teenagers date and they (hopefully) have parents who look out for them and set limits.
Romantically involved kids hanging out in each other's bedrooms are going to have sex. Don't think for even a second that they won't. That is why parents generally do not allow them to hang out together alone and in private areas of the house (we understand the temptation!). Teenagers are still kids, they are still growing, they are still learning - they are not ready to be parents yet. It's a mistake to treat them like adults in training - they are not adults. |
Anonymous
I don't know, OP, you are totally creeping me out by getting so involved, especially about the part about buying condoms and ear plugs. Are you sure you didn't buy a camera and popcorn?? |
Anonymous
| It totally grosses me out that you are having dinner meetings to come up with a strategic plan for your child's sex life with her partner's parents. Very weird. |
Anonymous
| Its a national obsession I think, virginity and when to pass it up. Europe has a much more relaxed attitude. |
Anonymous
Parents chatting about their children's sex lives is gross. |
Anonymous
This autocorrect made my morning. Thank you! |
Anonymous
yes. I agree with everything you said. |