Teen daughter "didn't wait"...how to proceed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, OP, please do not "allow" it in your home. But unless you work at home, or you find someone to be there, how to prevent it?
When is she seeing him? Just after school?

They say kids are most frequently up to no good M-F between 3-6pm, when they have the house to themselves. (Drink, drugs, sex)

NP here. Why not?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let's get real. She is not going to stop having sex and she is not being coerced. She and her boyfriend are not felons. Take her to planned parenthood, and get the kind of shot that lasts a year or whatever their Dr. recommends for 15 year old. Talk to her and her boyfriend about STDs and ask him to buy condoms or buy them for him, but don't count on him using them. Keep the dialogue open. Don't be judgmental. Tell her its her body and you respect her right to make decisions about it. Sounds like you are doing a good job. Don't let anyone tell you your daughter is either immoral or abnormal. Teen age sex is completely normal for some kids. I raised three daughter all of whom had sex as teenagers and they have all grown up to be respected professionals, good wives and wonderful mothers. You are a good dad. Don't doubt yourself.

+1. Just empower her to make sure she's being respected, respectful, and safe.

She's only 15. She is not 18 and headed for college.

Sure and while I would prefer that teens wait to have sex, I think there's a lot of room for it to be a personal choice and not necessarily wrong even at that age. I'm not particularly comfortable dictating to my daughters (or probably my hypothetical sons, my only kids are girls hence the wording) what they do with their bodies as long as laws are being followed. I would definitely not have the "not in my house please" policy until they are well into adulthood -- I refuse to potentially make them feel there's something so wrong and shameful about sex that they cannot discuss it with me. This is how my parents' very strict not under our roof and never until 18 attitude made me feel, which was greatly to my detriment although I did in fact wait until I was in my late 20s.

I try very hard to initiate conversations about all the weighty issues surrounding a decision to be sexually active so that my DD's can hopefully reflect for themselves and honestly decide whether they are ready for a step like that. However I believe that choices and boundaries about sex should be very personal, and the only three rules I'm comfortable imposing on my kids based on my own values and preferences are "consensual", "protected" and "legal".

I personally think the most damaging thing to do in this situation is place labels like 'forbidden', 'bad', or 'shameful' on any sort of consensual and legal expression of sexuality. There are even some laws I would like to see go away, but until my kids are adults and completely responsible for their own decisions I do require adherence to the law. If we lived in certain states, however, and I had a child with a well thought out moral opposition to a state law related to this topic, I would be willing to seriously consider moving so as not to have this family rule cause my child moral conflict.

[Anonymous]

Just a personal comment that I hate IUDs. The insertion can be painful and side-effects such as heavy bleeding can be extreme. Please take her to a gyn and discuss contraception.

Talk to the boy's parents if you can contact them. I have a son, and would want to know about something like that, so that I too can talk contraception.

Talk constantly from now on about empowerment, the right to say no, the right to change her mind, taking things slow, emotional versus physical love. Well, don't be a bore. But show her you are concerned and that you care.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

Thanks for all the helpful suggestions, everyone! I really appreciate it. To try to answer/sum up on a few points...

1. Both kids are 15.
2. I don't know the boy's parents too well, but I suspect that may change soon.
3. Mom passed away a long time ago. It's just been the two of us since daughter was four. We're very close, and pretty much talk about anything & everything. I'm kind of banking on that to help in the coming weeks.
4. I'll be calling the doctor first thing in the morning!
5. Thanks very much to everyone who's offered thoughts on allowing/not allowing/condoning continuation of their "activities." The medical/health issues I can handle...I just hadn't given much thought previously to the prospect of having it go on in my house *with my knowledge.* I still don't know what I'm going to do on this front, but I appreciate the considerations

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let's get real. She is not going to stop having sex and she is not being coerced. She and her boyfriend are not felons. Take her to planned parenthood, and get the kind of shot that lasts a year or whatever their Dr. recommends for 15 year old. Talk to her and her boyfriend about STDs and ask him to buy condoms or buy them for him, but don't count on him using them. Keep the dialogue open. Don't be judgmental. Tell her its her body and you respect her right to make decisions about it. Sounds like you are doing a good job. Don't let anyone tell you your daughter is either immoral or abnormal. Teen age sex is completely normal for some kids. I raised three daughter all of whom had sex as teenagers and they have all grown up to be respected professionals, good wives and wonderful mothers. You are a good dad. Don't doubt yourself.

+1. Just empower her to make sure she's being respected, respectful, and safe.

She's only 15. She is not 18 and headed for college.

Sure and while I would prefer that teens wait to have sex, I think there's a lot of room for it to be a personal choice and not necessarily wrong even at that age. I'm not particularly comfortable dictating to my daughters (or probably my hypothetical sons, my only kids are girls hence the wording) what they do with their bodies as long as laws are being followed. I would definitely not have the "not in my house please" policy until they are well into adulthood -- I refuse to potentially make them feel there's something so wrong and shameful about sex that they cannot discuss it with me. This is how my parents' very strict not under our roof and never until 18 attitude made me feel, which was greatly to my detriment although I did in fact wait until I was in my late 20s.

I try very hard to initiate conversations about all the weighty issues surrounding a decision to be sexually active so that my DD's can hopefully reflect for themselves and honestly decide whether they are ready for a step like that. However I believe that choices and boundaries about sex should be very personal, and the only three rules I'm comfortable imposing on my kids based on my own values and preferences are "consensual", "protected" and "legal".

I personally think the most damaging thing to do in this situation is place labels like 'forbidden', 'bad', or 'shameful' on any sort of consensual and legal expression of sexuality. There are even some laws I would like to see go away, but until my kids are adults and completely responsible for their own decisions I do require adherence to the law. If we lived in certain states, however, and I had a child with a well thought out moral opposition to a state law related to this topic, I would be willing to seriously consider moving so as not to have this family rule cause my child moral conflict.

+++Very helpful considerations, thanks! (OP)

[Anonymous]

Good luck, you sounds like a great dad!

[Anonymous]

As to allowing it or not (I was also a 15 year old non-virgin with a steady boyfriend).....I'm not sure I would set up a strict rule about doing it in the house or not. I'm going to guess that she's not going to want to do it while you are there, so it's probably a moot issue, and if you aren't there, you can bet they'll do it no matter what 'rule' you have. Vacant house=sex. I think setting up expectations like that is just setting it up for failure. My boyfriend and I had sex in the car, at his house, at my house, outside...basically anywhere we could when the mood struck.

And I was responsible enough to be on the pill and take it. It is 100% guaranteed that they won't always use condoms-if ever really. Definitely get her on something. While STDs are a real consideration, at this age and stage, pregnancy is probably the most likely concern.

[Anonymous]

I guess you never told her that masturbation is okay and normal so she never looked to herself for gratification and instead looked towards boys. Oh well. Ship done sailed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good luck, you sounds like a great dad!

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess you never told her that masturbation is okay and normal so she never looked to herself for gratification and instead looked towards boys. Oh well. Ship done sailed.

lol, it's not either/or. It's both.

[Anonymous]

^Are you the OP?

[Anonymous]

You sound like a great dad! Sounds like you are dealing with things really well. I echo PPs on encouraging at least two forms of BC and relying on a gyno for what might be the best fit for her. As far as doing it in the house, maybe think about it as boundaries? I'm in my 30s and married and I don't have sex in my parents' house where they could hear it. Maybe that makes me a prude, but I think it's just a sign of respect...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would also make sure that she understands that she can stop having sex if she decides she is not ready down the road. Many girls feel like it is expected if they have done it before (whether the current boyfriend expects it or another boyfriend in the future).

+1

She may feel that now she is in (has to be in) a sexual relationship. Make sure she understands that one "yes" does not mean yes going forward unless she wants it to.

[Anonymous]

It is important that your DD understand why she needs both BC and condoms. This one boy might not pose a risk for STD yet or ever, but she might one day be with someone who could. She needs to practice advocating for her body now, when she is in a comfortable, caring relationship, before she meets the jerks who will try to take advantage of her. As for your house rules, I think that this is a joint decision between his parents and you. You need to think about not just the present situation, but future ones as well. If you allow this boy for specific reasons (trust, long term relationship status), you should clarify that to your daughter so that she knows you might not be cool if she one day brings home a one night stand or tries a threesome in your house.

[Anonymous]

...and berfore you go all "take BC pill" on your daughter, make sure she knows that oral contraceptives can impact your mood (depression) and libido (from arousal to response -- you figure out how to say that, Dad ). Personally, I hated hormonal birth control -- it made me a weepy slobbery mess emotionally and shut down the part of my I DIDN'T want shut down ifyouwknowwhatImean.

All that can be a big deal to a kid. Personally, I was in my 20s when I started using it, and thank goodness I had the strength of my grown person to tell my denying doctor that it SUCKED and she hadn't told me the whole truth about likely side effects.

Anyway, keep that in mind.