Teen daughter "didn't wait"...how to proceed?

[Anonymous]

Can we all take off our blinders about whether 15 is too young? It's well withing the norm. So let's move onto how to make sure she's doing it safely.

"Fewer than 2% of adolescents have had sex by the time they reach their 12th birthday. But adolescence is a time of rapid change. Only 16% of teens have had sex by age 15, compared with one-third of those aged 16, nearly half (48%) of those aged 17, 61% of 18-year-olds and 71% of 19-year-olds.[1] There is little difference by gender in the timing of first sex."

http://www.guttmacher.org/pubs/FB-ATSRH.html

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Single dad here. Daughter is 15, and I found out last night that I've officially lost the "wait until you're married" battle. The boyfriend in question is a good boy, (well, except for *that*), and owned up to what they've been doing, looked me in the eye, and stood up for my daughter. I'm not so foolish as to think I can put my foot down & tell them to stop. So now the questions turn to thoughts of safety, protection, and not taking on the mantle of "Grandpa" too soon.

What have others done in this situation? Do you allow "relations" under your roof? Provide condoms? BC pills? Talk to the boy's parents?

15? Yikes, I would seriously be concerned. And you are just thinking since they did it, they will do it all the time and you are okay with it? Sorry - no way. She is too young. What is she a freshman in high school? Messed up.

My 15 year old was a high school junior (turned 16 during the year). OP's DD is about 2-3 years from college. Young, but possibly equipped to make her own decisions about something like this especially if she has the guidance of a caring parent to seriously consider all of the implications.

15yr old Junior? And just because someone is 2-3 years away from college (mine is a 15yr old Freshman and is almost 4yrs away) it doesn't condone sex. Not all kids in college have sex either But either way, that is why we don't allow serious relationships or being alone with boys at this age. It is too young. That is guidance from a parent. Kids see the steps in relationships and most are convinced once you have done a few bases that sex has got to come next. No one should be allowed to feel cornered and if you allow kids to have serious relationships at this age it is very confusing for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let's get real. She is not going to stop having sex and she is not being coerced. She and her boyfriend are not felons. Take her to planned parenthood, and get the kind of shot that lasts a year or whatever their Dr. recommends for 15 year old. Talk to her and her boyfriend about STDs and ask him to buy condoms or buy them for him, but don't count on him using them. Keep the dialogue open. Don't be judgmental. Tell her its her body and you respect her right to make decisions about it. Sounds like you are doing a good job. Don't let anyone tell you your daughter is either immoral or abnormal. Teen age sex is completely normal for some kids. I raised three daughter all of whom had sex as teenagers and they have all grown up to be respected professionals, good wives and wonderful mothers. You are a good dad. Don't doubt yourself.

+1. Just empower her to make sure she's being respected, respectful, and safe.

Agreed!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can we all take off our blinders about whether 15 is too young? It's well withing the norm. So let's move onto how to make sure she's doing it safely.

"Fewer than 2% of adolescents have had sex by the time they reach their 12th birthday. But adolescence is a time of rapid change. Only 16% of teens have had sex by age 15, compared with one-third of those aged 16, nearly half (48%) of those aged 17, 61% of 18-year-olds and 71% of 19-year-olds.[1] There is little difference by gender in the timing of first sex."

http://www.guttmacher.org/pubs/FB-ATSRH.html

You actually just showed that 15 is NOT the norm. 16% is not the norm and I know where most of those 16% are and it is not in the DC Metro. My guess is maybe 5-50% tops in this area.

[Anonymous]

I meant 5-10% tops in this area

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can we all take off our blinders about whether 15 is too young? It's well withing the norm. So let's move onto how to make sure she's doing it safely.

"Fewer than 2% of adolescents have had sex by the time they reach their 12th birthday. But adolescence is a time of rapid change. Only 16% of teens have had sex by age 15, compared with one-third of those aged 16, nearly half (48%) of those aged 17, 61% of 18-year-olds and 71% of 19-year-olds.[1] There is little difference by gender in the timing of first sex."

http://www.guttmacher.org/pubs/FB-ATSRH.html

You actually just showed that 15 is NOT the norm. 16% is not the norm and I know where most of those 16% are and it is not in the DC Metro. My guess is maybe 5-50% tops in this area.

Really? How do you know this?

[Anonymous]

Maybe also look at the implanon for birth control. It's a little plastic stick inserted into her arm, right under the skin. Good for 3 years.

I tried to go with and iud and I was shaking I was in so much pain. I couldn't even make it though it and went with the implanon instead.
Seems safer and more comfortable for a 15 yo. Definitely have her and her dr talk and figure it out.

[Anonymous]

what not to do, is to try and break up the relationship.

and take DD to family doctor to get gardisal (HPV vaccine) and birth control, call yourself to schedule

for a break, watch the latest Modern Family. similar theme.

http://mashable.com/2015/02/25/modern-family-facetime-episode/

[Anonymous]

Your daughter and her BF can come to my house and take care of my kids for a day.

She'll take her pill religiously and he'll make sure of it.

[Anonymous]

Just curious - did you ever talk to your daughter about sex, valuing her body, getting serious with a boy before this happened?

I am wondering what steps, if any, you took to prevent this.

I know it is too late now, but I am curious.

[Anonymous]

I haven't read through all the replies, but I would at least do the following:

1) Take her for an annual exam.
2) Go over birth control methods and figure out the right ones for her.
3) Get her the HPV vaccine (if she hasn't already had it)
4) Make sure there is a responsible adult woman in her life she can talk to about these things
5) DO NOT shame her or make her feel like she let you down because she didn't wait until marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your daughter and her BF can come to my house and take care of my kids for a day.

She'll take her pill religiously and he'll make sure of it.

There are many effective methods of contraception in addition to oral contraceptives. ACOG finds that short-acting contraceptives (like oral contraceptives) have lower pregnancy rates than long-acting reversible contraceptives (IUD and implant).

http://www.acog.org/Resources-And-Publications/Committee-Opinions/Committee-on-Adolescent-Health-Care/Adolescents-and-Long-Acting-Reversible-Contraception

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your daughter and her BF can come to my house and take care of my kids for a day.

She'll take her pill religiously and he'll make sure of it.

There are many effective methods of contraception in addition to oral contraceptives. ACOG finds that short-acting contraceptives (like oral contraceptives) have lower pregnancy rates than long-acting reversible contraceptives (IUD and implant).

http://www.acog.org/Resources-And-Publications/Committee-Opinions/Committee-on-Adolescent-Health-Care/Adolescents-and-Long-Acting-Reversible-Contraception

I think you said this backwards

In the same study population, unintended pregnancy rates for short-acting contraceptives were 22 times higher than unintended pregnancy rates for LARC. Women younger than 21 years using short-acting contraceptives had a risk of unintended pregnancy that was two times the risk among older women using short-acting contraceptives, but the risk was the same if they were using LARC (8). Poor continuation coupled with higher failure rates decrease the efficacy of short-acting contraception in young women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your daughter and her BF can come to my house and take care of my kids for a day.

She'll take her pill religiously and he'll make sure of it.

There are many effective methods of contraception in addition to oral contraceptives. ACOG finds that short-acting contraceptives (like oral contraceptives) have lower pregnancy rates than long-acting reversible contraceptives (IUD and implant).

http://www.acog.org/Resources-And-Publications/Committee-Opinions/Committee-on-Adolescent-Health-Care/Adolescents-and-Long-Acting-Reversible-Contraception

I think you said this backwards

In the same study population, unintended pregnancy rates for short-acting contraceptives were 22 times higher than unintended pregnancy rates for LARC. Women younger than 21 years using short-acting contraceptives had a risk of unintended pregnancy that was two times the risk among older women using short-acting contraceptives, but the risk was the same if they were using LARC (8). Poor continuation coupled with higher failure rates decrease the efficacy of short-acting contraception in young women.

Yikes! Yes, I did say it backwards! Teenagers using short-acting contraceptives have HIGHER pregnancy rates. Thanks for the correction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just curious - did you ever talk to your daughter about sex, valuing her body, getting serious with a boy before this happened?

I am wondering what steps, if any, you took to prevent this.

I know it is too late now, but I am curious.

Parents can't "prevent" this or most other things. They can guide and try to influence, but teens will make their own choices. As long as this is genuinely OP's DD's informed and un-coerced desire, in the scenario OP posted with no other known details it is her decision to make.

Now her father just needs to enable her to do what's necessary to keep herself safe -- meaning help her get and get to an appointment with her doctor to get birth control, and ideally ensure she has access to condoms as well for the boyfriend although it's less likely those will be used.

Since it's his house he obviously also has the right to tell his DD such activities are not permitted under his roof, but (1) I doubt that will be effective and (2) as I posted previously on this thread I strongly feel that approach is harmful and counter-productive to what I believe the ultimate goal should be in this situation.