Sister says 14yo nephew not coming to my wedding because of his sports tournament. Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

I can not believe how many parents say they let their children make the decision. I remember not too long ago, there was a time when parents actually parented their kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can not believe how many parents say they let their children make the decision. I remember not too long ago, there was a time when parents actually parented their kids.

Bossing your kids around is not the same as parenting them. Guiding them through challenging decisions, helping them weigh pros and cons, and letting them do the difficult work of coming to a conclusion, especially in a situation like this where there's no "right" answer, that's parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can not believe how many parents say they let their children make the decision. I remember not too long ago, there was a time when parents actually parented their kids.

Don't worry, parents still parent their children. It's just that some parents define "parenting" as "parents tell children what to do", whereas other parents define "parenting" as "children need to learn to make their own decisions, especially by the time they are teenagers".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My child was made to skip a beginning season event with similar season-long consequences on the line to attend an out-of-town wedding. She was miserable until we got there and then joined in the fun with cousins, etc. She ended up having an amazing season. I know some coaches deliver on their promises regardless of the occasion, but in our case it didn't happen. It really is a tough call to make as a parent. I have a friend who is getting married (1st time) at 45 and she is dealing with a lot of this as well. It's disappointing to her because she's been to so many events for her nieces/nephews over the years (baptisms, 1st birthdays, etc.) which were important events to her siblings at the time and now they are explaining to her why their kids can't attend her wedding. OP - don't let their decision get you down! You may find yourself in the reverse situation when your nephew graduates or gets married and this will make your decision much easier!

I got married at 40 a few years ago and had this exact thing happen. My family is from the NY tri-state area and I have lived in VA for nearly 20 years, so no one in my extended family has ever been down here for something for me, but I have driven up for literally every bridal shower, wedding, baby shower, Christening, First Communion, and Confirmation in my family. I have also gone up for numerous 1st, 2nd, 3rd, and milestone birthdays. I had my bridal shower up there so that more folks from my family could come, and I sent out Save the Date notices a full 9 months before the wedding.

None of the children of my cousins in one branch of the family came to the wedding. The excuse was that they were very busy with extracurricular activities that weekend. Really, like I couldn't have been busy with lots of activities all the weekends that I came up for their events? I was incredibly hurt and disappointed. It's not just that I missed having them there for my own sake. It's that their absence changed the whole tenor of the wedding weekend, from one that would have been a shared extended family experience that we all would have looked back on together many years from now, to just something that their parents attended. We had lots of activities planned for kids that we ended up cancelling.

In the end, we had a lovely time, but it really wasn't what it could have been. But my cousins showed me what their priorities are. They always expect me to show up to make "family memories" together at their life events and their children's life events. But they are teaching their children that "family memories" are made only at their convenience, and they have no responsibility to reciprocate.

I agree 100% with you. I think any family that puts sports before family is sending the wrong signals to their kids. Really wrong.

I think you can make an equal argument that a family that lets their kid back out on a commitment, in a way that hurts their entire team, because of a party (albeit one to celebrate something important) is wrong.

[Anonymous]

I'm going to be a little bit of a dissenter, but not exactly.

I agree with the parents that nephew has the choice to go or not go to wedding. And I don't think he should be vilified no matter his response.

We teach young adults to stick with their commitments (sports teams, etc.), but then get upset when they commit. Or get upset when they don't. The point is- he's made a commitment to his team to be there. And I think it's important to foster that... That sometimes, when you make commitments,you is other things. In this case, it feels to you like a diss. But, you're the adult. He made a commitment to his team, and should be lauded for following through.

You rearranged dates for your niece... I understand that you can't rearrange any mor, but your nephew shouldn't be punished because he came second in his parents priorities. There's actually something a little sad in there. Be proud, instead.

Also keep in mind that it is normal at that age for behavior to be more influenced by peers than the adults in your life. He is starting to be independent.


OP, I understand you're 40, and obviously looked long and hard for someone to spend the rest of your life with. That being said... You really can't expect a 14 year old boy to understand that, appreciate that, or even really more than slightly get that. Lifelong love to them is an abstract concept, like the quadratic equation. A wedding to most 14 year olds is a long day with a bunch of adults that's kind of boring, even if you do get to hang with your cousins. Or maybe it's boring because you have to hang with your cousins.

I'd let this go. You're 40. Appreciate that he has not travelled your path. Be proud that he sticks to his guns. Tell him that he's missing a great day, but that you'll let him take you and your new husband to dinner.

[Anonymous]

How much game time is the freshman on varsity going to get? Is he a prodigy? Yes-it's OP's first wedding and she is his aunt. That means a wedding with family and 50 to 60 people.

The spin for the coach is not so much the wedding but it is a major family gathering including elderly that might not be around much longer. ie great grandparents, great aunts, grandparents. My wedding was the last event for all to be together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to be a little bit of a dissenter, but not exactly.

I agree with the parents that nephew has the choice to go or not go to wedding. And I don't think he should be vilified no matter his response.

We teach young adults to stick with their commitments (sports teams, etc.), but then get upset when they commit. Or get upset when they don't. The point is- he's made a commitment to his team to be there. And I think it's important to foster that... That sometimes, when you make commitments,you is other things. In this case, it feels to you like a diss. But, you're the adult. He made a commitment to his team, and should be lauded for following through.

You rearranged dates for your niece... I understand that you can't rearrange any mor, but your nephew shouldn't be punished because he came second in his parents priorities. There's actually something a little sad in there. Be proud, instead.

Also keep in mind that it is normal at that age for behavior to be more influenced by peers than the adults in your life. He is starting to be independent.


OP, I understand you're 40, and obviously looked long and hard for someone to spend the rest of your life with. That being said... You really can't expect a 14 year old boy to understand that, appreciate that, or even really more than slightly get that. Lifelong love to them is an abstract concept, like the quadratic equation. A wedding to most 14 year olds is a long day with a bunch of adults that's kind of boring, even if you do get to hang with your cousins. Or maybe it's boring because you have to hang with your cousins.

I'd let this go. You're 40. Appreciate that he has not travelled your path. Be proud that he sticks to his guns. Tell him that he's missing a great day, but that you'll let him take you and your new husband to dinner.

Thoughtful post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to be a little bit of a dissenter, but not exactly.

I agree with the parents that nephew has the choice to go or not go to wedding. And I don't think he should be vilified no matter his response.

We teach young adults to stick with their commitments (sports teams, etc.), but then get upset when they commit. Or get upset when they don't. The point is- he's made a commitment to his team to be there. And I think it's important to foster that... That sometimes, when you make commitments,you is other things. In this case, it feels to you like a diss. But, you're the adult. He made a commitment to his team, and should be lauded for following through.

You rearranged dates for your niece... I understand that you can't rearrange any mor, but your nephew shouldn't be punished because he came second in his parents priorities. There's actually something a little sad in there. Be proud, instead.

Also keep in mind that it is normal at that age for behavior to be more influenced by peers than the adults in your life. He is starting to be independent.


OP, I understand you're 40, and obviously looked long and hard for someone to spend the rest of your life with. That being said... You really can't expect a 14 year old boy to understand that, appreciate that, or even really more than slightly get that. Lifelong love to them is an abstract concept, like the quadratic equation. A wedding to most 14 year olds is a long day with a bunch of adults that's kind of boring, even if you do get to hang with your cousins. Or maybe it's boring because you have to hang with your cousins.

I'd let this go. You're 40. Appreciate that he has not travelled your path. Be proud that he sticks to his guns. Tell him that he's missing a great day, but that you'll let him take you and your new husband to dinner.

Should have been... When you make a commitment... You MISS other things.

[Anonymous]

It is important to teach kids to commit, but not blindly! The normal standard for adult activities would permit ceding other committments in order to attend important family events. I think it is fine to teach a kid that they might need to push back against people making unreasonable demands on their time.

And as a side note, what kind of coach punishes a kid for going to a family wedding? Something has gotten a little out of whack and I would be concerned about my kid being involved in an activity that does not have appropriate boundaries. Olympic trials or state championship, ok. But early season tournament? Sorry. Not the be all end all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: In our school they are very vindictive if you miss a tournament for ANY reason. They just are. So nephew will be sitting on the bench unless he is a star for the rest of the season. I would let him miss the wedding.

This. My DC is a starting player in his varsity team and is a freshman. He would definitely be penalized for missing a tournament even a practice. The coach would likely tells us it's okay to attend the wedding but penalized him anyway. Coaches make examples out of players to retain control. If their mind if they allow any excuse other than injury and illness, other players will take advantage and that can derail team spirit. I would have considered it if my kid was playing on a freshman team. Making Varsity as a 14 year old is a big deal; you don't miss games. Missing for a funeral is a different story, the coach might be able to relate, otherwise, it is a subjective call and a tough call for your sister.

I have had the same experience as these posters. My kids' club team coaches would have zero problem with them missing a game for a wedding, even if it was a big game, and they would not penalize them. Their high school soccer coaches? Totally different story.

Unless the nephew has an unusually decent high school coach, there is a strong chance that he will suffer for the decision to skip the wedding, especially given that this will be the first games he has ever played with the high school team. There goes his chance to make a good impression at the start of his high school career. That sort of thing actually can be a make or break moment in a 14 year old's life.

With respect to OP's question about whether the answer would be different if it were a girl, I'd say no--exactly the same calculus (maybe moreso if she's a high school star, as she's more likely to get a soccer scholarship or admissions bump than a similaly abled boy). I can't easily imagine a situation where a ten year old would face any serious repercussions for missing a sports event, so in that case it seems like an easy decision to attend the wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: In our school they are very vindictive if you miss a tournament for ANY reason. They just are. So nephew will be sitting on the bench unless he is a star for the rest of the season. I would let him miss the wedding.

This. My DC is a starting player in his varsity team and is a freshman. He would definitely be penalized for missing a tournament even a practice. The coach would likely tells us it's okay to attend the wedding but penalized him anyway. Coaches make examples out of players to retain control. If their mind if they allow any excuse other than injury and illness, other players will take advantage and that can derail team spirit. I would have considered it if my kid was playing on a freshman team. Making Varsity as a 14 year old is a big deal; you don't miss games. Missing for a funeral is a different story, the coach might be able to relate, otherwise, it is a subjective call and a tough call for your sister.

Ok, this sounds really messed up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to be a little bit of a dissenter, but not exactly.

I agree with the parents that nephew has the choice to go or not go to wedding. And I don't think he should be vilified no matter his response.

We teach young adults to stick with their commitments (sports teams, etc.), but then get upset when they commit. Or get upset when they don't. The point is- he's made a commitment to his team to be there. And I think it's important to foster that... That sometimes, when you make commitments,you is other things. In this case, it feels to you like a diss. But, you're the adult. He made a commitment to his team, and should be lauded for following through.

You rearranged dates for your niece... I understand that you can't rearrange any mor, but your nephew shouldn't be punished because he came second in his parents priorities. There's actually something a little sad in there. Be proud, instead.

Also keep in mind that it is normal at that age for behavior to be more influenced by peers than the adults in your life. He is starting to be independent.


OP, I understand you're 40, and obviously looked long and hard for someone to spend the rest of your life with. That being said... You really can't expect a 14 year old boy to understand that, appreciate that, or even really more than slightly get that. Lifelong love to them is an abstract concept, like the quadratic equation. A wedding to most 14 year olds is a long day with a bunch of adults that's kind of boring, even if you do get to hang with your cousins. Or maybe it's boring because you have to hang with your cousins.

I'd let this go. You're 40. Appreciate that he has not travelled your path. Be proud that he sticks to his guns. Tell him that he's missing a great day, but that you'll let him take you and your new husband to dinner.

Should have been... When you make a commitment... You MISS other things.

Totally agree with this. It was your sister's mistake, and either you or your nephew is going to be disappointed as a result. It seems more reasonable to put that on an adult. If your niece is better at sports and her schedule always takes priority, he probably already feels bad that his mom forgot about his tournament.

[Anonymous]

I posted about the situation being very fact specific and made the suggestion that the sister talk to the coach. A couple of posters then noted that it would be a bad idea for OP to make that suggestion to her sister (that she talk to the coach). I agree with them. It would not be a good idea for the OP to suggest or ask her sister to meet with the coach. It would be a good idea for the sister to meet with the coach and go over the situation, but the sister needs to come up with that idea on her own -- or perhaps at the suggestion of another family member not the OP.

Yes, a coach may lie and say it is no problem and then hold it against the kid, but that is pretty unlikely. Otherwise reasonable people sometimes are afraid to pick up the phone and talk to a coach. Coaches do not want to talk to parents about why their kid is not playing as much when he/she is so much better than the other players. But, a parent certainly can have a conversation about their kid being in his aunts wedding on x date and the kid being very concerned about missing pre-season tournament to go to wedding. Thus, parent wants to get the real story -- what happens if kid misses tournament for wedding. High school coaches are not typically evil. Chances are very good the coach is going to say -- no problem go to the wedding.

The kid will missed out on some scrimmage playing time which means he will have to work hard in practice so the coach can see where he fits in. That may even take a few games into the season, but it will happen eventually. Coaches are generally pretty reluctant to sit a player who can help the team. And, they are idiotic if they take a freshmen player on a varsity team and then not play him. So, OP's sister or brother-in-law needs to cowboy up and make a call. If the coach says he using the tournament to make up his mind on the team roster, and nephew is on the bubble, then maybe they decide nephew can stay and do the tournament. They just need to ask the coach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: In our school they are very vindictive if you miss a tournament for ANY reason. They just are. So nephew will be sitting on the bench unless he is a star for the rest of the season. I would let him miss the wedding.

This. My DC is a starting player in his varsity team and is a freshman. He would definitely be penalized for missing a tournament even a practice. The coach would likely tells us it's okay to attend the wedding but penalized him anyway. Coaches make examples out of players to retain control. If their mind if they allow any excuse other than injury and illness, other players will take advantage and that can derail team spirit. I would have considered it if my kid was playing on a freshman team. Making Varsity as a 14 year old is a big deal; you don't miss games. Missing for a funeral is a different story, the coach might be able to relate, otherwise, it is a subjective call and a tough call for your sister.

I have had the same experience as these posters. My kids' club team coaches would have zero problem with them missing a game for a wedding, even if it was a big game, and they would not penalize them. Their high school soccer coaches? Totally different story.

Unless the nephew has an unusually decent high school coach, there is a strong chance that he will suffer for the decision to skip the wedding, especially given that this will be the first games he has ever played with the high school team. There goes his chance to make a good impression at the start of his high school career. That sort of thing actually can be a make or break moment in a 14 year old's life.

With respect to OP's question about whether the answer would be different if it were a girl, I'd say no--exactly the same calculus (maybe moreso if she's a high school star, as she's more likely to get a soccer scholarship or admissions bump than a similaly abled boy). I can't easily imagine a situation where a ten year old would face any serious repercussions for missing a sports event, so in that case it seems like an easy decision to attend the wedding.

Here's one way to find out. If the guy's a dick, why do you even want your kid on his team?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry OP. You sound like a great aunt. But a 14 year old boy will honestly be bored to tears at a wedding so having him there just to say he was there seems silly. I would let it go.

This. Seriously, if not having this young man at your wedding is that big of a deal to you, you need to take a look at yourself.