Sister says 14yo nephew not coming to my wedding because of his sports tournament. Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

I have high schoolers who run xc, and they would miss a tournament for a wedding. Only exception would be states.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm waiting for the parents of preschoolers/babies to infiltrate this thread with their outrage.
Your sister is right. Your nephew can't miss this tournament.

^^ I'm PP, but wanted to add, not a regular season game, I'd have him skip that. But I was assuming this was a big end of season/state tournament. That's vastly different than a regular season game.

[Anonymous]

Another thing to consider from your sister's perspective is that your wedding was planned around all of your niece's events. Your sister specifically ensured that her daughter wouldn't have to miss anything, and then completely forgot about her son. How does she explain that to your nephew in a way that doesn't make painfully obvious the fundamental unfairness there? Your sister is in a tough place, because your wedding is important, but so is her own family, and she needs to make judgment calls there that reflect all of their values, including basic fairness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I agree 100% with your analysis, but I was interested to read the above poster's responses siding with your sister's decision. I can't imagine letting my kids miss my own sibling's wedding for a sporting event, no matter how major. But obviously there is another side to this. I agree with the poster that you are reacting in a very mature way, notwithstanding your disappointment.

+1 to this entire post. Those priorities are completely alien to how I am raising my kids, but you sound like a great aunt/sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reality check: A 14 year old who bails on a high school tournament, isn't going to see much playing time the rest of that year, unless he's a super star, which won't set him up with the skills to move up. For my kid, making it varsity is a huge goal of his high school career. He's not a star player, so he puts a lot of effort into that goal, and letting his team down on a major tournament would be a huge set back.

I know in this case, I'd let my kid choose, and be very surprised if he chose a wedding over his sport.

I have middle schoolers and I still find this kind of sad. I agree that it's hard to let the team down, but why a coach wouldn't help a child to be a true sportsman in all areas of his life is beyond me. And, that he would be punished with less field time for a family wedding. A family outlasts a team. I would, grudgingly, let my son decide as he's old enough to learn about the effects of his choices. But, I would have him write a note of apology and probably follow up after w a phone call. He needs to explain why this is important in his own words so he decides, putting things in writing is very powerful and helps decision-making. I have sporty boys but I hope they won't do team sports then. Ugh.

I'm sorry your disappointed OP.

[Anonymous]

Whether people agree with it or not, sports at that age are highly competitive. The nephew has probably been working since he was 5 to be good at this sport and in many cases, missing a game will cause major problems with the coach and other players. He made a commitment to his team and in team sports, you don't not show up for a game. That's just not the culture.

I think calling his sport a hobby, as a PP did, is condescending.

Sucky situation OP. I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

What if this was OP's funeral? (sorry, OP!) Would it be okay for her nephew to miss a funeral of a close family member for a soccer tournament? A wedding is just as important and I'd say almost more so since the guest of honor is alive to appreciate your presence. I know that sports are important, the boy has been working hard for years, etc, but some things are more important and his close aunt's first wedding should be one of those things.

[Anonymous]

What if this was OP's funeral? (sorry, OP!) Would it be okay for her nephew to miss a funeral of a close family member for a soccer tournament? A wedding is just as important and I'd say almost more so since the guest of honor is alive to appreciate your presence.

I would be fine with a 14 year old nephew who I didn't see very often (per OP's original post) missing either my wedding or my funeral. And I don't even care about sports at all.

[Anonymous]

Isn't soccer a fall sport? How does he know the schedule already or is it a club team?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whether people agree with it or not, sports at that age are highly competitive. The nephew has probably been working since he was 5 to be good at this sport and in many cases, missing a game will cause major problems with the coach and other players. He made a commitment to his team and in team sports, you don't not show up for a game. That's just not the culture.

I think calling his sport a hobby, as a PP did, is condescending.

Sucky situation OP. I'm sorry.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What the hell? I can't believe these people who are saying that a soccer tournament is more important than a family wedding. It's not like this kid is going to be a professional athlete -- and if he was, missing one weekend tournament would not get in his way. People have FUCKED up values around here if they would really let a teenager choose a hobby over his extended family. Jeez.

Agree. I can't even believe some of the replies I'm reading.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What if this was OP's funeral? (sorry, OP!) Would it be okay for her nephew to miss a funeral of a close family member for a soccer tournament? A wedding is just as important and I'd say almost more so since the guest of honor is alive to appreciate your presence. I know that sports are important, the boy has been working hard for years, etc, but some things are more important and his close aunt's first wedding should be one of those things.

We don't know that this kid thinks of OP as a close aunt. He sees her a few times a year, how often do they talk on the phone in between? OP may feel close to the nephew because she hears about him from her sister, but that doesn't necessarily translate to him feeling close to her.

[Anonymous]

I'm 21:42 and my nephew missed his step-grandpa's funeral, who had been around his entire lifetime and went to said nephew's tournaments. Everyone thought it was crazy, but everyone blamed the parents (who are both helicopters) and not him. They would have insisted that he go to the game if he had suggested otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

What if this was OP's funeral? (sorry, OP!) Would it be okay for her nephew to miss a funeral of a close family member for a soccer tournament? A wedding is just as important and I'd say almost more so since the guest of honor is alive to appreciate your presence.

I would be fine with a 14 year old nephew who I didn't see very often (per OP's original post) missing either my wedding or my funeral. And I don't even care about sports at all.

+1

I actually have a family situation very similar to OP. Extremely close sister in different state with teenage niece and nephew.

If I'm dead, please go to the sports tournament!!!

I think this boils down to how your family operates. Some families really place a lot of value on showing up for the big events - must be there at all the holidays, birthday parties, graduations, etc. And some families aren't like that but are still very close. It doesn't mean one way is better or one family loves each other more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm 21:42 and my nephew missed his step-grandpa's funeral, who had been around his entire lifetime and went to said nephew's tournaments. Everyone thought it was crazy, but everyone blamed the parents (who are both helicopters) and not him. They would have insisted that he go to the game if he had suggested otherwise.

Given step-grandpa's commitment to the kid's soccer, maybe step-grandpa would have supported him going to the tournament too?

Maybe next time I revise my will, I should put in a list of who must attend my funeral, and what a good excuse for not attending would be. I hope it would go something like, "Everyone who feels like they need to be there for closure, please be there. Anyone who has a conflict, please live your life and enjoy it." Because, you know, I'll be dead so I have no investment in who shows up.