Sister says 14yo nephew not coming to my wedding because of his sports tournament. Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

OP, your sister can come right? Just not her kid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All of this is pretty fact specific, and I would suggest that OP have sister explore the situation further.

On the side of going to the wedding you have: (a) close relationship between sisters and with niece and nephew and (b) it is a small wedding and nephew has a role if he attends (reading) so he would be missed if he does not attend.

On the sports side of things -- I would suggest the sister have a face to face meeting with the coach to get a handle on (a) where her kid stands with respect to the team; and (b) how important the tournament is to the team. A 14 year old making a varsity soccer team could be because he is a very good player or because the team is not very good. It would be important to know the role of the tournament. Is the coach using that as a way to finalize the varsity team (i.e. an extended tryout) and is the nephew on the bubble of making the team or not. Is the tournament more of an opportunity to get a first look at how the team might come together -- try and figure out who will play what positions? If it is not an extended tryout and if it is not make or break for the kid then go to the wedding for sure. The only way to know that for sure is to have the conversation.

I suspect that IF the kid is a good player the coach already has a position in mind and missing the tournament is not a huge deal. If the kid is on the bubble the ramification may be that he does not make the varsity team. As a soccer parent -- I can say that may not be a bad thing. From the parent side of things I would be more than a little leery of a 14 year old on varsity unless you are talking about a very small school that also plays other very small schools so that it is common for young kids to play on varsity. The size and strength differences between 14 year old freshmen guys and 18 year old seniors is a serious issue. That physical difference is not as apparent in the girls high school game. Also, from a team bonding thing you do have to keep a close eye out as seniors and juniors are into very different things than freshmen. It would be cool for a freshmen to be on a varsity team but the experience may not be all that great. It may well be better to be a very good player on a JV team with kids more his age. Again though, all of this is very fact specific.

Nope, don't do this. Let it go. Your sister made her decision; whether it was the right one or the wrong one, OP should not be spending emotional time and energy trying to micromanage her sister's family life. This is how minor family disagreements become major ones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: In our school they are very vindictive if you miss a tournament for ANY reason. They just are. So nephew will be sitting on the bench unless he is a star for the rest of the season. I would let him miss the wedding.

This. My DC is a starting player in his varsity team and is a freshman. He would definitely be penalized for missing a tournament even a practice. The coach would likely tells us it's okay to attend the wedding but penalized him anyway. Coaches make examples out of players to retain control. If their mind if they allow any excuse other than injury and illness, other players will take advantage and that can derail team spirit. I would have considered it if my kid was playing on a freshman team. Making Varsity as a 14 year old is a big deal; you don't miss games. Missing for a funeral is a different story, the coach might be able to relate, otherwise, it is a subjective call and a tough call for your sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All of this is pretty fact specific, and I would suggest that OP have sister explore the situation further.

On the side of going to the wedding you have: (a) close relationship between sisters and with niece and nephew and (b) it is a small wedding and nephew has a role if he attends (reading) so he would be missed if he does not attend.

On the sports side of things -- I would suggest the sister have a face to face meeting with the coach to get a handle on (a) where her kid stands with respect to the team; and (b) how important the tournament is to the team. A 14 year old making a varsity soccer team could be because he is a very good player or because the team is not very good. It would be important to know the role of the tournament. Is the coach using that as a way to finalize the varsity team (i.e. an extended tryout) and is the nephew on the bubble of making the team or not. Is the tournament more of an opportunity to get a first look at how the team might come together -- try and figure out who will play what positions? If it is not an extended tryout and if it is not make or break for the kid then go to the wedding for sure. The only way to know that for sure is to have the conversation.

I suspect that IF the kid is a good player the coach already has a position in mind and missing the tournament is not a huge deal. If the kid is on the bubble the ramification may be that he does not make the varsity team. As a soccer parent -- I can say that may not be a bad thing. From the parent side of things I would be more than a little leery of a 14 year old on varsity unless you are talking about a very small school that also plays other very small schools so that it is common for young kids to play on varsity. The size and strength differences between 14 year old freshmen guys and 18 year old seniors is a serious issue. That physical difference is not as apparent in the girls high school game. Also, from a team bonding thing you do have to keep a close eye out as seniors and juniors are into very different things than freshmen. It would be cool for a freshmen to be on a varsity team but the experience may not be all that great. It may well be better to be a very good player on a JV team with kids more his age. Again though, all of this is very fact specific.

Nope, don't do this. Let it go. Your sister made her decision; whether it was the right one or the wrong one, OP should not be spending emotional time and energy trying to micromanage her sister's family life. This is how minor family disagreements become major ones.

This is right on target.

[Anonymous]

It really just depends on how close your relationship with your nephew is. If you guys are close/speak often, then I think it is reasonable to expect him to skip the sporting event and attend. But if you just hear about your nephew from your sister (who I understand you are close to) and don't actually have a close or special relationship with him independently, I think it is fine for him to attend the sporting event. My sister is furious that I don't want to bring my 6 year old to her destination wedding (over 8 hours away), but she doesn't speak to him or ask about him very frequently, and sees him once a year at most. I don't feel guilty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Back 20 years ago, as a freshman in hs, I was kicked off of varsity field hockey because I chose to attend a family event rather than a tournament. It was not a special tournament and I was not given an ultimatum by the coach like if you attend then.... I was told I was no longer a member of the team when I went to see her to let her know I would be missing the tournament. It was a complete shock to me and my parents. Most of my ream went on to play field hockey on scholarship in college- big ramifications for me. In the end, it worked out fine but I really missed being on the team since they were most of my close friends.

That being said, kids sports are completely absurd. I feel for you, try to handle it gracefully. Congrats on your big day!

This suggests to me that there is something drastically, grossly wrong with the sports program of the school you grew up with. And those who are simply saying that this is the "sports culture" seem to be passively accepting that they will allow their children to participate in a hobby that teaches them that playing with a ball is more important than family. That is seriously messed up. As a parent and community leader, I strenuously push back against this kind of thing, and I hope other parents do, too. We should not support sports leagues and school sports systems that teach children to have totally backwards values.

[Anonymous]

Personally I think it is a tragedy that so many parents spend more than the cost of 4 years of college tuition jetting around the country on crazy travel sports teams with 12-18 year olds in some la=la land of mindset that their little prodigy will somehow beat the odds and be the 1 in a million that actually gets recruited to play college sports. Really? And then the parents wake up when their little angel graduates (or doesn't graduate) with a sports marketing degree from Podunk U. and has no job prospects? AND they have paid for tuition anyway because turns out there were only 3 full-ride tuition scholarships and the little dumpling was 4th on the coach's list?

Let the kid go to his sports tournament (probably 1 of about 20 for the season), but I hope your sister will still attend your wedding, which is a WAY more important life event, imo.

[Anonymous]

Coach here. I am sorry but if a child has an immediate family wedding and explained in advance, they would not be riding the bench for the rest of the season. This is high school people.

OP, everyone on DCUM thinks their kid is going to get a Div 1 scholarship so sports are the priority over anything else in this world, which is truly sad when you think about it.

I am sorry your sister chose a sporting event over your wedding.

[Anonymous]

A reasonable coach would understands Not all coaches are reasonable.

I know my kid isn't getting a scholarship. I also understand the commitment he made. One of his coaches would have been absolutely fine with missing for an aunt's wedding. Another in the league would have benched him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My child was made to skip a beginning season event with similar season-long consequences on the line to attend an out-of-town wedding. She was miserable until we got there and then joined in the fun with cousins, etc. She ended up having an amazing season. I know some coaches deliver on their promises regardless of the occasion, but in our case it didn't happen. It really is a tough call to make as a parent. I have a friend who is getting married (1st time) at 45 and she is dealing with a lot of this as well. It's disappointing to her because she's been to so many events for her nieces/nephews over the years (baptisms, 1st birthdays, etc.) which were important events to her siblings at the time and now they are explaining to her why their kids can't attend her wedding. OP - don't let their decision get you down! You may find yourself in the reverse situation when your nephew graduates or gets married and this will make your decision much easier!

I got married at 40 a few years ago and had this exact thing happen. My family is from the NY tri-state area and I have lived in VA for nearly 20 years, so no one in my extended family has ever been down here for something for me, but I have driven up for literally every bridal shower, wedding, baby shower, Christening, First Communion, and Confirmation in my family. I have also gone up for numerous 1st, 2nd, 3rd, and milestone birthdays. I had my bridal shower up there so that more folks from my family could come, and I sent out Save the Date notices a full 9 months before the wedding.

None of the children of my cousins in one branch of the family came to the wedding. The excuse was that they were very busy with extracurricular activities that weekend. Really, like I couldn't have been busy with lots of activities all the weekends that I came up for their events? I was incredibly hurt and disappointed. It's not just that I missed having them there for my own sake. It's that their absence changed the whole tenor of the wedding weekend, from one that would have been a shared extended family experience that we all would have looked back on together many years from now, to just something that their parents attended. We had lots of activities planned for kids that we ended up cancelling.

In the end, we had a lovely time, but it really wasn't what it could have been. But my cousins showed me what their priorities are. They always expect me to show up to make "family memories" together at their life events and their children's life events. But they are teaching their children that "family memories" are made only at their convenience, and they have no responsibility to reciprocate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My child was made to skip a beginning season event with similar season-long consequences on the line to attend an out-of-town wedding. She was miserable until we got there and then joined in the fun with cousins, etc. She ended up having an amazing season. I know some coaches deliver on their promises regardless of the occasion, but in our case it didn't happen. It really is a tough call to make as a parent. I have a friend who is getting married (1st time) at 45 and she is dealing with a lot of this as well. It's disappointing to her because she's been to so many events for her nieces/nephews over the years (baptisms, 1st birthdays, etc.) which were important events to her siblings at the time and now they are explaining to her why their kids can't attend her wedding. OP - don't let their decision get you down! You may find yourself in the reverse situation when your nephew graduates or gets married and this will make your decision much easier!

I got married at 40 a few years ago and had this exact thing happen. My family is from the NY tri-state area and I have lived in VA for nearly 20 years, so no one in my extended family has ever been down here for something for me, but I have driven up for literally every bridal shower, wedding, baby shower, Christening, First Communion, and Confirmation in my family. I have also gone up for numerous 1st, 2nd, 3rd, and milestone birthdays. I had my bridal shower up there so that more folks from my family could come, and I sent out Save the Date notices a full 9 months before the wedding.

None of the children of my cousins in one branch of the family came to the wedding. The excuse was that they were very busy with extracurricular activities that weekend. Really, like I couldn't have been busy with lots of activities all the weekends that I came up for their events? I was incredibly hurt and disappointed. It's not just that I missed having them there for my own sake. It's that their absence changed the whole tenor of the wedding weekend, from one that would have been a shared extended family experience that we all would have looked back on together many years from now, to just something that their parents attended. We had lots of activities planned for kids that we ended up cancelling.

In the end, we had a lovely time, but it really wasn't what it could have been. But my cousins showed me what their priorities are. They always expect me to show up to make "family memories" together at their life events and their children's life events. But they are teaching their children that "family memories" are made only at their convenience, and they have no responsibility to reciprocate.

Glad to know you've gotten past the bitterness...geeze.

[Anonymous]

I have one question for OP.

Since you and sis and nephew are so close and all, how many times have you travelled to see your nephew play soccer? To me, that is important because you think that he should be sacrificing something important to him so that he can attend something that is important to you. So I want to know if it flows both ways. Would be nice for you to take time and make the effort to support him before you express disappointment in him not supporting you, if you have not already.

That being said, my kids are athletes, we would let them choose, and given how close they are with their aunts and uncles, they would choose and have chosen the family event. But our family is full of club, HS and college athletes so the family would 100% understand if someone missed something because of an important tournament. At the same time, we all gather up and attend the sporting events of the young people in our family. Nothing for us to have 10 family members at an important game. So our kids would remember that Aunt Lucy came to their championship game and they would want to support Aunt Lucy in her big day. In my opinion, it is not about sports being more important than family. It is about family members mutually supporting each other in endeavors that are important to the one participating. It is VERY condescending to belittle the boy's activity and the work he put in to make varsity so I think that is the wrong way to look at it.

Missing a game was only an issue one time. When DD was in HS, she attended her cousin's wedding and missed a college showcase tournament. She made the decision and we supported it. The problem was that a few college coaches came expecting to see her and not all of them got the word that she would not be playing. So that took some smoothing over and we know in one case, a college coach crossed her off the list because of it. Otherwise, we have never had a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

In the end, we had a lovely time, but it really wasn't what it could have been. But my cousins showed me what their priorities are. They always expect me to show up to make "family memories" together at their life events and their children's life events. But they are teaching their children that "family memories" are made only at their convenience, and they have no responsibility to reciprocate.

I don't understand this. Show up at your cousins' life events and children's life events if you think that's the right thing to do; don't if you don't. The argument that they should show up for yours because you show up for theirs seems like score-keeping to me. Plus you can't control their actions; you can only control your own expectations.

[Anonymous]

I think it's actually a close call--the kid made a prior commitment to the team, and it's important to keep those commitments. Yes, the OP's wedding is important, but so is not letting down his team. And it would be crummy if the kid was penalized for skipping the tournament. I'd probably have the kid talk to the coach and then make the call.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My child was made to skip a beginning season event with similar season-long consequences on the line to attend an out-of-town wedding. She was miserable until we got there and then joined in the fun with cousins, etc. She ended up having an amazing season. I know some coaches deliver on their promises regardless of the occasion, but in our case it didn't happen. It really is a tough call to make as a parent. I have a friend who is getting married (1st time) at 45 and she is dealing with a lot of this as well. It's disappointing to her because she's been to so many events for her nieces/nephews over the years (baptisms, 1st birthdays, etc.) which were important events to her siblings at the time and now they are explaining to her why their kids can't attend her wedding. OP - don't let their decision get you down! You may find yourself in the reverse situation when your nephew graduates or gets married and this will make your decision much easier!

I got married at 40 a few years ago and had this exact thing happen. My family is from the NY tri-state area and I have lived in VA for nearly 20 years, so no one in my extended family has ever been down here for something for me, but I have driven up for literally every bridal shower, wedding, baby shower, Christening, First Communion, and Confirmation in my family. I have also gone up for numerous 1st, 2nd, 3rd, and milestone birthdays. I had my bridal shower up there so that more folks from my family could come, and I sent out Save the Date notices a full 9 months before the wedding.

None of the children of my cousins in one branch of the family came to the wedding. The excuse was that they were very busy with extracurricular activities that weekend. Really, like I couldn't have been busy with lots of activities all the weekends that I came up for their events? I was incredibly hurt and disappointed. It's not just that I missed having them there for my own sake. It's that their absence changed the whole tenor of the wedding weekend, from one that would have been a shared extended family experience that we all would have looked back on together many years from now, to just something that their parents attended. We had lots of activities planned for kids that we ended up cancelling.

In the end, we had a lovely time, but it really wasn't what it could have been. But my cousins showed me what their priorities are. They always expect me to show up to make "family memories" together at their life events and their children's life events. But they are teaching their children that "family memories" are made only at their convenience, and they have no responsibility to reciprocate.

I agree 100% with you. I think any family that puts sports before family is sending the wrong signals to their kids. Really wrong.