Sister says 14yo nephew not coming to my wedding because of his sports tournament. Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: In our school they are very vindictive if you miss a tournament for ANY reason. They just are. So nephew will be sitting on the bench unless he is a star for the rest of the season. I would let him miss the wedding.

This. My DC is a starting player in his varsity team and is a freshman. He would definitely be penalized for missing a tournament even a practice. The coach would likely tells us it's okay to attend the wedding but penalized him anyway. Coaches make examples out of players to retain control. If their mind if they allow any excuse other than injury and illness, other players will take advantage and that can derail team spirit. I would have considered it if my kid was playing on a freshman team. Making Varsity as a 14 year old is a big deal; you don't miss games. Missing for a funeral is a different story, the coach might be able to relate, otherwise, it is a subjective call and a tough call for your sister.

I have had the same experience as these posters. My kids' club team coaches would have zero problem with them missing a game for a wedding, even if it was a big game, and they would not penalize them. Their high school soccer coaches? Totally different story.

Unless the nephew has an unusually decent high school coach, there is a strong chance that he will suffer for the decision to skip the wedding, especially given that this will be the first games he has ever played with the high school team. There goes his chance to make a good impression at the start of his high school career. That sort of thing actually can be a make or break moment in a 14 year old's life.

With respect to OP's question about whether the answer would be different if it were a girl, I'd say no--exactly the same calculus (maybe moreso if she's a high school star, as she's more likely to get a soccer scholarship or admissions bump than a similaly abled boy). I can't easily imagine a situation where a ten year old would face any serious repercussions for missing a sports event, so in that case it seems like an easy decision to attend the wedding.

Here's one way to find out. If the guy's a dick, why do you even want your kid on his team?

Because playing a sport in high school offers huge social and emotional benefits, and for many kids is the culmination of years of working to become the best athlete they can be. If your club coach is a jerk, you can usually switch to a different team or club and continue to enjoy your sport, but it's not realistic to think you are going to change high schools. Most kids love their high school team experience even if they have idiot coaches.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to be a little bit of a dissenter, but not exactly.

I agree with the parents that nephew has the choice to go or not go to wedding. And I don't think he should be vilified no matter his response.

We teach young adults to stick with their commitments (sports teams, etc.), but then get upset when they commit. Or get upset when they don't. The point is- he's made a commitment to his team to be there. And I think it's important to foster that... That sometimes, when you make commitments,you is other things. In this case, it feels to you like a diss. But, you're the adult. He made a commitment to his team, and should be lauded for following through.

You rearranged dates for your niece... I understand that you can't rearrange any mor, but your nephew shouldn't be punished because he came second in his parents priorities. There's actually something a little sad in there. Be proud, instead.

Also keep in mind that it is normal at that age for behavior to be more influenced by peers than the adults in your life. He is starting to be independent.


OP, I understand you're 40, and obviously looked long and hard for someone to spend the rest of your life with. That being said... You really can't expect a 14 year old boy to understand that, appreciate that, or even really more than slightly get that. Lifelong love to them is an abstract concept, like the quadratic equation. A wedding to most 14 year olds is a long day with a bunch of adults that's kind of boring, even if you do get to hang with your cousins. Or maybe it's boring because you have to hang with your cousins.

I'd let this go. You're 40. Appreciate that he has not travelled your path. Be proud that he sticks to his guns. Tell him that he's missing a great day, but that you'll let him take you and your new husband to dinner.

Should have been... When you make a commitment... You MISS other things.

Totally agree with this. It was your sister's mistake, and either you or your nephew is going to be disappointed as a result. It seems more reasonable to put that on an adult. If your niece is better at sports and her schedule always takes priority, he probably already feels bad that his mom forgot about his tournament.

In addition to the PP's comments about commitment and what that means, I agree with the bolded. Your sister made an honest mistake, and there's nothing she can do about it now. This isn't about you; don't make it about you.

[Anonymous]

So really? One 14 year old kid not at your wedding? If he goes, you see him maybe 2-3 minutes at most. Weddings are only important to the people getting married. Get over yourself and enjoy your wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So really? One 14 year old kid not at your wedding? If he goes, you see him maybe 2-3 minutes at most. Weddings are only important to the people getting married. Get over yourself and enjoy your wedding.

I'm generally a "family first" kind of person and even I agree with this. A 14yo doesn't care about your wedding. This is not a big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So really? One 14 year old kid not at your wedding? If he goes, you see him maybe 2-3 minutes at most. Weddings are only important to the people getting married. Get over yourself and enjoy your wedding.

So true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can not believe how many parents say they let their children make the decision. I remember not too long ago, there was a time when parents actually parented their kids.

I hear you but the issue is that you will be making a decision for a HS kid that HE will have to bear the brunt of. You tell him that he HAS to go to the wedding - ok, that's fine. But then HE is the one who has to deal with the coach and the team, not you! So...yea, he should be allowed to make the decision with guidance from the parent.

[Anonymous]

I havent read all the posts but its really not about if a 14 y.o. cares about your wedding. Its about a chance for the entire family to be together, which sounds like something that doesnt happen too often if you are in different states.

Its also an opprtunity to think about priorities. I know DCUM never thinks anything family related is a priority (see the post where a poster told the mom she is neglecting her 20 m.o. for trying to talk to her grandmother on the phone for 10 mins a day) or all the people who hate their siblings, in-laws, parents, etc. But some of us put a very high value on family and being together and there for each other in the time of big events - like weddings, etc. - even if it means sacrificing a little of our own happiness.

What if a grandparent were sick and they werent sure if they could see them again?
What if a parent were having surgery and needed help/care but the kid had a big test?
What happens when the child is an adult and their kid needs them to take off work for a school play?

If we dont instill in our kids that being there for family - in good and bad - is important, then they are unlikely to make family a priority in the future. To me, thats a much more important value than committing to a soccer game.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm waiting for the parents of preschoolers/babies to infiltrate this thread with their outrage.
Your sister is right. Your nephew can't miss this tournament.

Of course he can miss it. It is a choice, and this mom is choosing to teach her son that family comes second to sports. It is a GAME played with a BALL, not his career trajectory and not anything make or break in his life. It is appalling that the sister is teaching her son that playing with a ball is a priority over an important family event.

This is a commitment the teen made to his team. Before the wedding was even planned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm shocked at the perspectives shared so far. Very enlightening for me, so I'm glad I stopped by to read.

I have not been in this situation, but I think I'd want to impart the value to my child that family comes before all else, including a sporting match. I certainly would not want to be at my brother's wedding getting asked where my son was and saying "Oh he had a wrestling match."

I'm the PP just below you, and I 100% agree. And you managed to say it without profanity, so kudos to you. I really am stunned that this would be okay for some families.

Then again, my BIL did not come to our wedding because he is a professional musician and his orchestra had rehearsal that week. I still am pissed about that.

Smiley or not you still are urked over it. Get over it, for such a joyous event people sure get bent out of shape for weddings.

[Anonymous]

I'm one of the many PPs supporting nephew. Here's my thought on weddings:

Many, many people get married in courthouses or with their pastor and a witness. THAT IS IT. it does not lessen their commitment, the celebration of their union, or their marriage. Because you know what? Your vows are between YOU and your PARTNER. See the two things capitalized? Those are actually the only two necessary people present at ANY wedding. Throw in a representative for the holy body if it is necessary for your religion.

Want to get married in front of G-d? Take your loved one and head to a forest. Your vows and commitment are equal to being in the biggest and fanciest church in town, in front of 200 of your "closest" friends (hyphens intentional - no one has 200 people necessary in their life that their vows will crumble without them).

OP, you're an older bride. You've waited, which puts extra emphasis on this day FOR YOU. BUT GET OVER IT. you'll still be married the following Tuesday when your nephew can feel excited for you and understand that commitment is not a one day event.

[Anonymous]

I'm a pp and can't get over this thread. Why does everyone assume a 14yo will be bored at a family wedding? Is it a knee-jerk reaction, like my kids will only eat french fries?!?

Granted my oldest is only going on 12, but he loves seeing his uncles. Sitting in the ceremony might not be his favorite thing, but I guarantee that at this point he and his brother would love the reception. We had family over the holidays and they sat around asking to hear stories about the past and just hanging out. It's like they want to hang out now, moreso than when they were 5-6. They are also video game addicts, and play two club sports each, so it's not like they can't find something else to do.

[Anonymous]

I played Div 1 volleyball in college on a part scholarship. During HS, I played on several championship teams and traveled extensively. My mother would have kicked my ass had I chosen to play in a tournament instead of attending her sister's wedding. The ONLY exception to that would have been quarter/semi/finals of tournaments where we knew college scouts would be and in my junior/senior years. Come on people, I can't believe one missed tournament as a freshman is going to matter all that much. I played varsity all four years, and if you're good, that coach will play you.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thx for the discussion (kids & competitive sports is always such a hot topic these days); it's helping me think through this. I'm not going to do anything proactive and will let it go, but I wanted to flesh out how I felt and thought about it, for myself. I'm not thinking and feeling anything about the 14-year old, besides feeling badly this happened if it is stressing him out in any way or if he feels like he is missing out at no fault of his own truly. That's a kid and I totally understand whatever reaction he could have. I guess it's more disappointment in that this happened and in my sister as well. And in the state of these dumb sports. That last piece is probably the most healthy place to put my disappointment and frustration. That and the bad luck of my sister having a brain lapse. I feel for my sister. She feels horrible. We all do.

To answer some questions/add a few details: No idea if my nephew (it's really a second niece & the sport is not soccer but dumbly I thought let me change those two facts to be more anonymous!) will even get any playing time. He's not a star and it's a much less popular sport in their locale, but he's still solid and making the team as a freshman (or at all) is great. And it will be a great experience. And the first tournament will be amazingly fun I am sure. And playing on the team may define his high school experience and have lots of positive impacts. I get all of that. Flipside is there are lots of games and lots of practices, for years. I saw this with my older niece (who will play her sport in college next year) - it's never ending and all considered key critical. Oddly my sister never played a sport and I played into college!

This will be a relatively small wedding of 50-60 with 20 of those my immediate family (mom, dad, 95yo grandmother, aunt, uncle, cousins, their kids, and sister's family) and about 15 my partner's immediate family. Rest are friends. I spoke with my sister to see if my niece and nephew would do a reading each. This was before the date ah-ha moment, and she said she spoke to them and they'd love to. There is no wedding party and so the only other participants are me and my partner and the officiant. That being said, I'm a flexible person and we will shift that and have my older niece read one poem or do them both. I really don't think I am being self-centered or making this about me. I'm just disappointed and my reaction was surprise and yes initial judgment at the choice of my sister (not the kid). My sis and husband and older niece are coming. You asked about how close I am to them. How do you put this on a spectrum? Do I fly down and take them out to lunch and am the aunt of the year, no. Did I just drive down 4 hours for Xmas to see them, yes, did I drive down to Richmond to watch the older one's tourney earlier this month, yes, did I go up to Belair to watch the younger in a club tourney in 30 degree weather when my sister gave me 2-hours advance notice of the tourney (so I didn't feel obligated to go), yes, do we text, yes, do we vacation for a week at the beach altogether annually, yes, Thanksgiving too. Anyway, not sure that matters and how everyone defines close. It feels close to all of us, I think it's safe to say, but not like some special bizarre close.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I havent read all the posts but its really not about if a 14 y.o. cares about your wedding. Its about a chance for the entire family to be together, which sounds like something that doesnt happen too often if you are in different states.

Its also an opprtunity to think about priorities. I know DCUM never thinks anything family related is a priority (see the post where a poster told the mom she is neglecting her 20 m.o. for trying to talk to her grandmother on the phone for 10 mins a day) or all the people who hate their siblings, in-laws, parents, etc. But some of us put a very high value on family and being together and there for each other in the time of big events - like weddings, etc. - even if it means sacrificing a little of our own happiness.

What if a grandparent were sick and they werent sure if they could see them again?
What if a parent were having surgery and needed help/care but the kid had a big test?
What happens when the child is an adult and their kid needs them to take off work for a school play?

If we dont instill in our kids that being there for family - in good and bad - is important, then they are unlikely to make family a priority in the future. To me, thats a much more important value than committing to a soccer game.

But there is a flip side to that also. My family is VERY close knit. We are the type to attend EVERYTHING - including weddings AND ball games. If an activity is important to a family member, we do not judge what is MORE important - we support that person. So in my family, people would not dismiss the importance of the wedding to OP and would not dismiss the importance of the soccer game to the kid.

But it was the members of my family who taught me that commitment was important also. When you commit to be part of a team and they come to rely on you, dismissing that commitment should not be taken lightly.

That being said, it all depends on the maginitude of the game. A normal regular season game, my kids would probably gladly miss it. A playoff game - they would play.

[Anonymous]

OP here again. I think the lesson here for me is for when I have kids and how to navigate this sports (or other activity) world and keep true to my value or priority of family first. How that works within the lives of kids/teens. How to place the context for the family, despite possibly restrictive circumstances and clear benefits of the activities and the commitment to those. Definitely hard. But I keep coming back to - for me - a tournament or sporting event is not more important than a big family event like this (my wedding or if my mom got remarried or if my dad won the nobel prize). I do recognize that as my personal value. Not to be required of others. I think I'm just really still surprised. Maybe that's naive as hell.