Sister says 14yo nephew not coming to my wedding because of his sports tournament. Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

Hi everyone. I am very close with my sister - speak almost every day - and my niece and nephew have been close in my life since their birth. They live out of state, so I don't see them very often, but we are are a close family overall. In the scheme of families, we are all great together. Very lucky. Anyway, my niece and nephew are very into sports and great athletes. When picking a wedding date (first wedding at age 40), we avoided my niece's conflicts with some big sporting events, but my sister failed to look at my nephew's schedule. She brain farted that he had an important high school soccer tournament the weekend of the date that we were saying was a possible choice. So we picked that date, thinking we were clear of things like this, and then a few weeks later (post communicating the date out and printing invitations etc.) my sister says I made a mistake and we have a problem. She says my nephew can't come because of this soccer tournament. Not sure how that all went down - assuming he was crushed at missing the tournament (his first as a freshman on the high school varsity team) and that my sister chose not to say sorry but you now have a wedding.

Thoughts? My emotional reaction is disappointment. My intellectual reaction is who misses (or allows a kid to miss) a close family member's wedding for a damn sporting event, unless you are an Olympian. I don't put anything on a 14-yr old kid. But am really surprised at my sister's choice. I really feel for the situation - a clear inadvertent mess up by the parent (she feels horrible about it) and a kid probably so very upset about it - but cannot believe the choice. It seems the wrong value - a sporting event the kid will never remember over an important family event. But maybe I just don't get it. Sucky situation all around. Even if my nephew now comes, that's not ideal. Ugh.

Wanted to get a sanity check from strangers. Thanks!

[Anonymous]

Reality check: A 14 year old who bails on a high school tournament, isn't going to see much playing time the rest of that year, unless he's a super star, which won't set him up with the skills to move up. For my kid, making it varsity is a huge goal of his high school career. He's not a star player, so he puts a lot of effort into that goal, and letting his team down on a major tournament would be a huge set back.

I know in this case, I'd let my kid choose, and be very surprised if he chose a wedding over his sport.

[Anonymous]

She's right and I would do the same thing.
He can't miss the tournament. And a 14 year old boy doesn't really need to be at a wedding

[Anonymous]

A sporting event he will not remember or an important family event (your quote above) is probably where you are going astray here
Your wedding is not an important family event to a 14 year old boy!
I know it stinks, and you seem to be handling it well and being lovely to your sister and empathetic to the situation, etc
So sorry this is putting a damper on your day, and congrats

[Anonymous]

I am sorry OP. You sound like a great aunt. But a 14 year old boy will honestly be bored to tears at a wedding so having him there just to say he was there seems silly. I would let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reality check: A 14 year old who bails on a high school tournament, isn't going to see much playing time the rest of that year, unless he's a super star, which won't set him up with the skills to move up. For my kid, making it varsity is a huge goal of his high school career. He's not a star player, so he puts a lot of effort into that goal, and letting his team down on a major tournament would be a huge set back.

I know in this case, I'd let my kid choose, and be very surprised if he chose a wedding over his sport.

+1. I also think that forcing the kid to miss the tournament, with all of the longer-term consequences for his season, is a great way to make sure he resents your wedding. You're only seeing it from your side, which is Big Important Wedding vs. less-significant kid activity, whereas to him, it's Big Important Tournament vs. less-significant wedding. Weddings don't mean a whole lot to kids that age, and you wedding doesn't mean nearly as much to most of your guest list as it does to you.

[Anonymous]

A miserable 14 year old boy at your wedding could put a damper on things -- especially for your sister. Do everyone a favor and let the boy attend the tournament. At 14, he should be able to spend the weekend with a friend so that his parents can both travel to attend your wedding.

When you have a 14 year old boy, you will completely understand the logic here. Until then, you'll just have to trust the wisdom of strangers.

[Anonymous]

OP, be graceful in your disappointment. Hopefully your sister and niece can still come?

I believe that weddings are important events that you cancel things for, particularly if you are the sister or nephew of the bride. I would cancel my children's concerts on the Strathmore stage or gym competitions in a heartbeat.
However, my kids are not into soccer tournaments, and I do not know if missing this tournament will crush your nephew's chances. If that is really the case, then we as a society have a problem!!! Competitive sports should not put such pressure on minors such that if they miss one game, they're done.

So now you know - don't enroll your kids in soccer

[Anonymous]

OP, I agree 100% with your analysis, but I was interested to read the above poster's responses siding with your sister's decision. I can't imagine letting my kids miss my own sibling's wedding for a sporting event, no matter how major. But obviously there is another side to this. I agree with the poster that you are reacting in a very mature way, notwithstanding your disappointment.

[Anonymous]

I'm shocked at the perspectives shared so far. Very enlightening for me, so I'm glad I stopped by to read.

I have not been in this situation, but I think I'd want to impart the value to my child that family comes before all else, including a sporting match. I certainly would not want to be at my brother's wedding getting asked where my son was and saying "Oh he had a wrestling match."

[Anonymous]

What the hell? I can't believe these people who are saying that a soccer tournament is more important than a family wedding. It's not like this kid is going to be a professional athlete -- and if he was, missing one weekend tournament would not get in his way. People have FUCKED up values around here if they would really let a teenager choose a hobby over his extended family. Jeez.

[Anonymous]

I must be old fashioned but in my opinion family comes before high school soccer.

[Anonymous]

I'm waiting for the parents of preschoolers/babies to infiltrate this thread with their outrage.
Your sister is right. Your nephew can't miss this tournament.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm shocked at the perspectives shared so far. Very enlightening for me, so I'm glad I stopped by to read.

I have not been in this situation, but I think I'd want to impart the value to my child that family comes before all else, including a sporting match. I certainly would not want to be at my brother's wedding getting asked where my son was and saying "Oh he had a wrestling match."

I'm the PP just below you, and I 100% agree. And you managed to say it without profanity, so kudos to you. I really am stunned that this would be okay for some families.

Then again, my BIL did not come to our wedding because he is a professional musician and his orchestra had rehearsal that week. I still am pissed about that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm waiting for the parents of preschoolers/babies to infiltrate this thread with their outrage.
Your sister is right. Your nephew can't miss this tournament.

Of course he can miss it. It is a choice, and this mom is choosing to teach her son that family comes second to sports. It is a GAME played with a BALL, not his career trajectory and not anything make or break in his life. It is appalling that the sister is teaching her son that playing with a ball is a priority over an important family event.