Sister says 14yo nephew not coming to my wedding because of his sports tournament. Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

What if this was OP's funeral? (sorry, OP!) Would it be okay for her nephew to miss a funeral of a close family member for a soccer tournament? A wedding is just as important and I'd say almost more so since the guest of honor is alive to appreciate your presence.

I would be fine with a 14 year old nephew who I didn't see very often (per OP's original post) missing either my wedding or my funeral. And I don't even care about sports at all.

+1

I actually have a family situation very similar to OP. Extremely close sister in different state with teenage niece and nephew.

If I'm dead, please go to the sports tournament!!!

I think this boils down to how your family operates. Some families really place a lot of value on showing up for the big events - must be there at all the holidays, birthday parties, graduations, etc. And some families aren't like that but are still very close. It doesn't mean one way is better or one family loves each other more.

+1000

Give me a family where everyone just trusts in what they mean to each other, rather than one with an attendance sheet.

[Anonymous]

As much as your nephew loves you, a 14 year old boy just does not care about a wedding. Your sister is making the right choice.

[Anonymous]

Back 20 years ago, as a freshman in hs, I was kicked off of varsity field hockey because I chose to attend a family event rather than a tournament. It was not a special tournament and I was not given an ultimatum by the coach like if you attend then.... I was told I was no longer a member of the team when I went to see her to let her know I would be missing the tournament. It was a complete shock to me and my parents. Most of my ream went on to play field hockey on scholarship in college- big ramifications for me. In the end, it worked out fine but I really missed being on the team since they were most of my close friends.

That being said, kids sports are completely absurd. I feel for you, try to handle it gracefully. Congrats on your big day!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

What if this was OP's funeral? (sorry, OP!) Would it be okay for her nephew to miss a funeral of a close family member for a soccer tournament? A wedding is just as important and I'd say almost more so since the guest of honor is alive to appreciate your presence.

I would be fine with a 14 year old nephew who I didn't see very often (per OP's original post) missing either my wedding or my funeral. And I don't even care about sports at all.

+1

I actually have a family situation very similar to OP. Extremely close sister in different state with teenage niece and nephew.

If I'm dead, please go to the sports tournament!!!

I think this boils down to how your family operates. Some families really place a lot of value on showing up for the big events - must be there at all the holidays, birthday parties, graduations, etc. And some families aren't like that but are still very close. It doesn't mean one way is better or one family loves each other more.

+1000

Give me a family where everyone just trusts in what they mean to each other, rather than one with an attendance sheet.

These words express how I feel 100%

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Back 20 years ago, as a freshman in hs, I was kicked off of varsity field hockey because I chose to attend a family event rather than a tournament. It was not a special tournament and I was not given an ultimatum by the coach like if you attend then.... I was told I was no longer a member of the team when I went to see her to let her know I would be missing the tournament. It was a complete shock to me and my parents. Most of my ream went on to play field hockey on scholarship in college- big ramifications for me. In the end, it worked out fine but I really missed being on the team since they were most of my close friends.

That being said, kids sports are completely absurd. I feel for you, try to handle it gracefully. Congrats on your big day!

I think people who are responding that the nephew and his mother are crazy have either never played serious high school sports themselves or don't have kids who do. I have little kids, but 25 years ago this is also what it was like for me at the varsity level. You don't miss games. A lot of people sacrifice a lot for these teams - to play in them, to coach them, to support them. I understand how it seems trivial, but in the moment to those participating it is not trivial. And the experience of playing sports at this level has real value, btw. Or at least I believe it does and it can shape who these young adults become as a person. To get on my soapbox for a moment, I think it's particularly great for young women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another thing to consider from your sister's perspective is that your wedding was planned around all of your niece's events. Your sister specifically ensured that her daughter wouldn't have to miss anything, and then completely forgot about her son. How does she explain that to your nephew in a way that doesn't make painfully obvious the fundamental unfairness there? Your sister is in a tough place, because your wedding is important, but so is her own family, and she needs to make judgment calls there that reflect all of their values, including basic fairness.

OP here, yes the above very much occurred to me. I think, for a variety of reasons (not saying they are good reasons), everyone is used to thinking of and accommodating the older niece's sports conflicts.

The tournament is the first sports happening of the season. It's a spring sport for them. I don't think it'd have such a big impact on his high school playing career, as some have presumed, but who knows. My sister did not say it that way or imply that, just that it was important. If it did, gosh, what a shame. I can't imagine a high school coach not understanding a family wedding obligation. But maybe I'm naive. I played sports all of my life (and for my college) but that was long ago and things have certainly changed. A ton.

Thanks for all the thoughts so far (and the nice comments, no matter your opinion). It helps me to see that she's not the only one with this perspective, even though I'm having a hard time relating (like several of the other posters).

I don't want this to be a wedge, as I'm sure I've made and will make choices that disappoint her, but I sure am surprised and disappointed nonetheless. Ultimately it's their choice and I'll just make peace with it. At 40, I've learned that you can't make these things in a family so defining or black and white.

Like others have said, it's kind of a no win at this point. If she changes her mind, I'll feel horrible about that. Best would have been to avoid this altogether, which we tried, but things happen, including brain farts. I hope in expressing my feelings that I don't motivate a change in the choice, because not sure I want that guilt. Jewish family here. We don't do well with guilt.

Would people have a different opinion if this was a girl and not a boy? Or a 10y versus a 14yo? Just curious.

[Anonymous]

No change for me based on gender, but my opinion would change a lot if he was 10. Or even if he was 14 and not playing on a varsity team.

[Anonymous]

My son would miss the wedding for the tournament. You'll be married whether he is there (bored out of his mind) or not.

[Anonymous]

My opinion (that it's more than okay that he doesn't come because children just don't care that much about weddings, even if they love you) would not change based on gender or age.

[Anonymous]

Op, disappointments happen - this is yours. I'm sorry. Life gets in the way. You may as well learn it now. My brother unexpectedly was admitted to the hospital and was there, missed my wedding (he's ok) All these decades later, yeah I wish so much he was there. But I was also worried about him. You have to carry on and make the best decisions you can. You will have a wonderful wedding ~

[Anonymous]

I'm a PP that said he should go to tournament, but at 10 - no, he would miss the game for the wedding. 14 and not on varsity but reserve? Would go to wedding. Gender- changes nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My opinion (that it's more than okay that he doesn't come because children just don't care that much about weddings, even if they love you) would not change based on gender or age.

I voted for "I'd let him choose and br surprised if he didn't pick soccer" lots of thingd would chsnge myind: age, regular season game vs tournament, individual vs team sport. Gender wouldn't change my mind but it might make mine led surprised if my kids chose wrong over soccer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Back 20 years ago, as a freshman in hs, I was kicked off of varsity field hockey because I chose to attend a family event rather than a tournament. It was not a special tournament and I was not given an ultimatum by the coach like if you attend then.... I was told I was no longer a member of the team when I went to see her to let her know I would be missing the tournament. It was a complete shock to me and my parents. Most of my ream went on to play field hockey on scholarship in college- big ramifications for me. In the end, it worked out fine but I really missed being on the team since they were most of my close friends.

That being said, kids sports are completely absurd. I feel for you, try to handle it gracefully. Congrats on your big day!

I think people who are responding that the nephew and his mother are crazy have either never played serious high school sports themselves or don't have kids who do. I have little kids, but 25 years ago this is also what it was like for me at the varsity level. You don't miss games. A lot of people sacrifice a lot for these teams - to play in them, to coach them, to support them. I understand how it seems trivial, but in the moment to those participating it is not trivial. And the experience of playing sports at this level has real value, btw. Or at least I believe it does and it can shape who these young adults become as a person. To get on my soapbox for a moment, I think it's particularly great for young women.

I played a sport at an ACC college and felt it was important of course at the time and very valuable. However, a high school game or tournament over a close family member's wedding though…NO WAY. You could convince me if it was the state championships, and for college matches they are of course less forgiving (they're giving you a full scholarship after all). Otherwise, this just tells me people are nuts.

[Anonymous]

his first as a freshman on the high school varsity team

Very important for him to be there. He can offer his congratulations to you at another time. From our experience missing a tournament like this could have an impact on his whole season.

We have missed family events (annual.. no big deal to us) for our son's sport. It pisses my MIL off, but oh well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whether people agree with it or not, sports at that age are highly competitive. The nephew has probably been working since he was 5 to be good at this sport and in many cases, missing a game will cause major problems with the coach and other players. He made a commitment to his team and in team sports, you don't not show up for a game. That's just not the culture.

I think calling his sport a hobby, as a PP did, is condescending.

Sucky situation OP. I'm sorry.

+100

You have messed up priorities. Totally messed up.