Overheard DW's fantasy about OM, do I confront her?
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
I overheard DW speaking with her BFF about DW's recent and rather intense fantasy about an OM. Apparently, this has been going on for months and to hear DW tell it to BFF the fantasy has been "overwhelming" at times, faded recently, but is still there lurking strongly in the background. Mercifully I was spared the details of what exactly was going on in the fantasy between DW and OM as DW was reaching out to BFF for help managing what's going on in DW"s mind and not to gossip over the juicy bits (or, at least, not in that conversation).
If this was a movie or sports star I would ignore it as harmless fantasizing, but it's about someone she knows. DW is not having an affair with OM, or at least she told BFF that, but she has apparently thought about "going beyond the fantasy" occasionally. That is obviously hurtful and worrisome, but it sounded like DW was determined not to go there. Also, I don't think she would be able to get away with it (for long) if she wanted to go forward... if OM was local. But, OM lives elsewhere, she has cause to interact with him professionally when she overnights there for work (3 hour drive away). So, hotel rendezvous would be a distinct possibility and an "oh, I saw OM the other day" would be normal course of dealings; that is, not suspicious absent overhearing this conversation. OTOH he's married with young kids and for all I know not at all interested (it didn't come up with BFF). So, I believe it that DW has not moved past the fantasy stage and is determined not to, but the question remains, do I confront her with this? Taking into account it was a conversation I was not supposed to hear? Is it none of my business if it's all inside her (and now my) head? What good could come out of a confrontation? Maybe I should reach out to BFF? It's kind of eating me up inside. |
Anonymous
| NIP DAT SHIT RIGHT NOW |
Anonymous
| That's a tough one. If you trust her then it seems you should likely let it go, and sounds like she is headed in the right direction without you getting involved. On the other hand I can see how it would eat you up inside, especially if she has no idea you're aware of this and can't give you assurances that nothing has/will go on or take steps to allay your fears. |
Anonymous
| I think it sounds like she's trying to deal with it in an honorable way, and like maybe you need to step up your game. Whenever a woman is worried about a man cheating on this site, the guys all say, "Well, are you putting out?" It goes both ways. Make an effort to be romantic. Sweep her off her feet a bit. Long term relationships have a tendency to make people take each other for granted. Don't do that. Show her she's still desirable (as a person and a partner, not just sexually) in your eyes and I bet she'll forget about OM. |
Anonymous
LOL!!!! But I agree. As a woman I would say that any fantasies she has will literally be murdered by the mortification she'll feel when she finds out you know. And it will give you two a chance to work on whatever's going awry in the relationship that has DW so hot over someone else and get her back to being hot over you. Talk to DW. |
Anonymous
| Don't CONFRONT her -- that is an aggressive move. Just let her know that you heard the call and it was upsetting to you. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
| Dude, face reality, you're done. Sooner or later you'll be wearing horns. Serve her with papers and get the hell out. |
Anonymous
This is good advice. Direct and honest, but not aggressive and judgy. Also, she technically hasn't done anything, and it sounds like she may never have, so be nice. |
Anonymous
Don't listen to this guy. |
Anonymous
I think I'd take this route and combine it with the other poster who suggested stepping up your game a little. Something like: "Dear Wife, I'm so sorry, because it was unintentional, but I came home early from the gym last week and overheard you talking with Jane in the kitchen. I didn't mean to eavesdrop, but just walking in and interrupting you would have been awkward for all of us at the moment. I heard you say that you are having feelings for Bob from the Kentucky office. I understand that you haven't acted on them and never plan to, and it means the world to me that I can trust you so much. That said, hearing it did make me feel pretty lousy, obviously, and I'm wondering - do you feel disconnected from our relationship lately? Is there anything I/we should be doing to bring that excitement back for us? Date nights? A vacation without the kids?" |
Anonymous
Exactly. Nothing wrong with fantasies, I'm sure you have some of your own, OP. |
Anonymous
|
Are you satisfying her sexually? That's huge issue here and you don't provide that context. |
Anonymous
This goes way beyond that. Intense fantasy about the same guy for months. AND telling other people about it. Thinking is the first step, verbalizing the second, taking action is the third. Sooner or later she is going to cheat if she hasn't already. |
Anonymous
| Heartfelt conversations, date nights, stepping it up sexually - all of that is great but she will keep fantasizing about the other guy because it's a forbidden fruit. I say this as a DW who is infatuated with another person. I will not act on it and your wife won't either, but that fantasy will always be there. |