My married friend told me that he's gay...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he is disgusted with the idea of leaving his wife, they why should he leave his wife? He loves her, they have kids. how is his having feelings for another man different from having feelings for another woman?

Because he's denying one of the core aspects of being a human. Romantic love. He's aware he isn't giving that to his wife and I've told him that by staying he's basically choosing a life without that for her as well. It isn't his right as far as I'm concerned.

His wife assumed the risk, right? It was totally selfish of her to expect him to give up this aspect of himself for her. She is the one totally in the wrong. She knew what she was getting into.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a bi married man, let me provide my perspective. I am monogamous and have no desire to have sex with men or women other than my wife. And my wife knew about my history when we met.

It is incredibly scary for a man to find out he is turned on by other guys. Girls Gone Wild kissing each other and men think its great, two guys kiss and everyone thinks it's disgusting. When it happened to me early 20's, and I had never thought that I was gay or bi before that, it was terrifying. I had to rethink, who am I? what is my attraction? how will my life be?

For these men who are married and realize they are gay, they have gone through an enormous amount of internal torture. They are ashamed, disappointed, and feel they will be rejected by everyone they have ever known. They hurt for their spouse, whom they have obviously loved and worry about if they will ever be close to their children.

I understand posters saying the husband should man up, take responsibility, etc. but unless you have walked in the shoes of someone confused about their sexuality, please don't pass judgment too hastily.

Thank you for your perspective; however, just because a man has fears of rejection and is internally tortured doesn't give him the right to deceive a woman and cause her internal torture and rejection. If a closeted man truly loved their spouse they would be open from the start, tell her the truth, and give the woman the free will choice to be in the relationship or end it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a bi married man, let me provide my perspective. I am monogamous and have no desire to have sex with men or women other than my wife. And my wife knew about my history when we met.

It is incredibly scary for a man to find out he is turned on by other guys. Girls Gone Wild kissing each other and men think its great, two guys kiss and everyone thinks it's disgusting. When it happened to me early 20's, and I had never thought that I was gay or bi before that, it was terrifying. I had to rethink, who am I? what is my attraction? how will my life be?

For these men who are married and realize they are gay, they have gone through an enormous amount of internal torture. They are ashamed, disappointed, and feel they will be rejected by everyone they have ever known. They hurt for their spouse, whom they have obviously loved and worry about if they will ever be close to their children.

I understand posters saying the husband should man up, take responsibility, etc. but unless you have walked in the shoes of someone confused about their sexuality, please don't pass judgment too hastily.

Thank you for your perspective; however, just because a man has fears of rejection and is internally tortured doesn't give him the right to deceive a woman and cause her internal torture and rejection. If a closeted man truly loved their spouse they would be open from the start, tell her the truth, and give the woman the free will choice to be in the relationship or end it.

I agree with what you are saying. My point is that some of these men have not even accepted that they are gay, let along be able to tell someone. If there is any deception, it is self deception. Nonetheless, there should be a point when two people are considering marriage where if one or more of the couple is having difficulties determining their orientation, they should admit it, whether or not they have determined what it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a bi married man, let me provide my perspective. I am monogamous and have no desire to have sex with men or women other than my wife. And my wife knew about my history when we met.

It is incredibly scary for a man to find out he is turned on by other guys. Girls Gone Wild kissing each other and men think its great, two guys kiss and everyone thinks it's disgusting. When it happened to me early 20's, and I had never thought that I was gay or bi before that, it was terrifying. I had to rethink, who am I? what is my attraction? how will my life be?

For these men who are married and realize they are gay, they have gone through an enormous amount of internal torture. They are ashamed, disappointed, and feel they will be rejected by everyone they have ever known. They hurt for their spouse, whom they have obviously loved and worry about if they will ever be close to their children.

I understand posters saying the husband should man up, take responsibility, etc. but unless you have walked in the shoes of someone confused about their sexuality, please don't pass judgment too hastily.

Thank you for your perspective; however, just because a man has fears of rejection and is internally tortured doesn't give him the right to deceive a woman and cause her internal torture and rejection. If a closeted man truly loved their spouse they would be open from the start, tell her the truth, and give the woman the free will choice to be in the relationship or end it.

It's clear that you have no idea what being "closeted" means.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a bi married man, let me provide my perspective. I am monogamous and have no desire to have sex with men or women other than my wife. And my wife knew about my history when we met.

It is incredibly scary for a man to find out he is turned on by other guys. Girls Gone Wild kissing each other and men think its great, two guys kiss and everyone thinks it's disgusting. When it happened to me early 20's, and I had never thought that I was gay or bi before that, it was terrifying. I had to rethink, who am I? what is my attraction? how will my life be?

For these men who are married and realize they are gay, they have gone through an enormous amount of internal torture. They are ashamed, disappointed, and feel they will be rejected by everyone they have ever known. They hurt for their spouse, whom they have obviously loved and worry about if they will ever be close to their children.

I understand posters saying the husband should man up, take responsibility, etc. but unless you have walked in the shoes of someone confused about their sexuality, please don't pass judgment too hastily.

Thank you for your perspective; however, just because a man has fears of rejection and is internally tortured doesn't give him the right to deceive a woman and cause her internal torture and rejection. If a closeted man truly loved their spouse they would be open from the start, tell her the truth, and give the woman the free will choice to be in the relationship or end it.

I agree with what you are saying. My point is that some of these men have not even accepted that they are gay, let along be able to tell someone. If there is any deception, it is self deception. Nonetheless, there should be a point when two people are considering marriage where if one or more of the couple is having difficulties determining their orientation, they should admit it, whether or not they have determined what it is.

Is it really self deception if the man knows he is attracted to men and has had sexual contact with men?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of the responses don't take into account that this isn't the same as a man falling for another woman. If he was straight he could very well do some work with his wife to rekindle the love that was once there. In this case that possibility doesn't exist. It is just a life sentence of compounding issues. Just because you made poor decisions doesn't mean you should keep making them.

NP here. I haven't read all the comments, so perhaps someone else has already addressed this, but it is very much the same as a straight man falling out of love with his wife and in love with another woman. Getting hung up on "equipment" is an irrelevant distraction.

There are plenty of straight couples where the genetalia of the partners isn't the cause of the irreconcilable difference; they simply cannot sort out their disagreements about money, drinking, career, religion, etc. These things are real. There are times when, kiddos or no, the best course of action is an amicable divorce, rather than a state of prolonged war at home. I think the OP is right about people not always just "sucking it up" and "honoring their commitment". You cannot get blood from a turnip (or a rock) and people cannot fake love and happiness 24/7.

All that said: I agree that romantic love (infatuation) waxes and wanes; that sexual attraction and libido wax and wane, and that sometimes you have to 'work at it'. I have seen people build up an 'excuse' to dynamite and escape a relationship. I've seen women pull this "I'm really gay" routine on men as a way of coming up with a "legitimate" excuse to just leave - they don't want to be the "bad guy" so they have to conjure up something "out of my control" in order to have a doctor's note to get out of the marriage (mostly to be guilt free).

I think this guy should go to counseling to see what's really going on - is the emotional affair (like most of them) really about a bad/broken connection with his wife? Could he be a bisexual who just happened to meet a charismatic gay dude instead of a female co-worker, who is giving him the illusion (because it's an affair, not a real relationship) of "all the things I'm missing in my marriage".

I'm going with classic affair symptom (where the affair is the symptom) over "I can't live a lie about my orientation". Either way, he needs to sort it out with a pro before talking to his wife...and no, that is NOT "suck it up" and live in denial...which is the answer to many people suggests shows "morals" and "character". Living in denial and misery is not "character" nor is it particularly "moral" to subject people to living a lie (whether the lie is about your orientation or your love).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a bi married man, let me provide my perspective. I am monogamous and have no desire to have sex with men or women other than my wife. And my wife knew about my history when we met.

It is incredibly scary for a man to find out he is turned on by other guys. Girls Gone Wild kissing each other and men think its great, two guys kiss and everyone thinks it's disgusting. When it happened to me early 20's, and I had never thought that I was gay or bi before that, it was terrifying. I had to rethink, who am I? what is my attraction? how will my life be?

For these men who are married and realize they are gay, they have gone through an enormous amount of internal torture. They are ashamed, disappointed, and feel they will be rejected by everyone they have ever known. They hurt for their spouse, whom they have obviously loved and worry about if they will ever be close to their children.

I understand posters saying the husband should man up, take responsibility, etc. but unless you have walked in the shoes of someone confused about their sexuality, please don't pass judgment too hastily.

Thank you for your perspective; however, just because a man has fears of rejection and is internally tortured doesn't give him the right to deceive a woman and cause her internal torture and rejection. If a closeted man truly loved their spouse they would be open from the start, tell her the truth, and give the woman the free will choice to be in the relationship or end it.

You don't understand what denial is. This man probably probably did believe that he was gay and was in denial.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think I've ever said this before...I think they should have an open marriage if they really are good friends and like coparenting.

I actually agree with this - if she kind of knew and they worked through this previously, and he really loves her and having the family together - this is a workable solution.

[Anonymous]

10:19 here here again.

That should have been "didn't believe."

[Anonymous]

Big whup. Sexual preference. Who gives a damn?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who went through this and went to a Straight Spouses support meeting. It was all fat women who had been used at beards by closeted catholic men, who just didn't want to be gay. This devastated her as she is beautiful but heavy. Oddly, Her husband refused to end the marriage until she finally kicked him out. In a way, he could only focus on what a great person he was who held it together for the family for so long. To my friend, he was someone who used her and created a life that was a complete lie.

They should end the marriage as all it can produce is more anxiety and lies.

Seriously??? what does the size of the women have to do with this AT ALL????

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he is disgusted with the idea of leaving his wife, they why should he leave his wife? He loves her, they have kids. how is his having feelings for another man different from having feelings for another woman?

Because he's denying one of the core aspects of being a human. Romantic love. He's aware he isn't giving that to his wife and I've told him that by staying he's basically choosing a life without that for her as well. It isn't his right as far as I'm concerned.

His wife assumed the risk, right? It was totally selfish of her to expect him to give up this aspect of himself for her. She is the one totally in the wrong. She knew what she was getting into.

Sounds like she had a pretty clear sign that he was gay-- looking at gay porn. It's not that he just happened to exhibit a stereotypical gay characteristic or work in a field that has a lot of gays like fashion design which don't necessarily signal that someone IS gay. He literally did something that screamed gay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he is disgusted with the idea of leaving his wife, they why should he leave his wife? He loves her, they have kids. how is his having feelings for another man different from having feelings for another woman?

Because he's denying one of the core aspects of being a human. Romantic love. He's aware he isn't giving that to his wife and I've told him that by staying he's basically choosing a life without that for her as well. It isn't his right as far as I'm concerned.

So do you feel the same way for anyone who falls in love outside of marriage -- they have that right and should leave their wife (or husband)?

Actually I do. I don't think it's right to be emotionally distant from your spouse and basically keeping them in a marriage because it's easier for you.

NP here. Then you are not a good person for this friend to ask for advice. You obviously don't understand that marriages (all of them except maybe an infinitesimal few) involve waxing and waning feelings of romantic love for your spouse and sometimes a total disappearance of "romantic" love, replaced by a sense of duty or a different type of love over time.

Your friend's time to leave was BEFORE he created two children with this woman. She can leave him if she feels the lack of romantic love. He is being selfish because he's infatuated with the idea of sexing up his new crush -- don't help him rationalize how he's "protecting" his wife from "a life without romantic love" by being a huge selfish jerk and leaving her and their kids.

If my DH is only witb me out of a sense of duty or worse is gay, for the love of sweet baby jesus and the mother mary, I would hope he would leave me.

Dont you people have any pride? Fucking gross, my DH jerking off to another man or imagining himself ramming another dude while he bangs me.

I don't want to be anybody's charity case. I have way more respect for myself than that.

[Anonymous]

I don't think looking at gay porn automatically means are you are gay. Also, this guy is presumably fairly young. Today, it's much easier for young people to find porn to satisfy every desire (or curiosity) than it was in the past.

A generation ago, looking at gay porn would have required you to find it, and work up the nerve to ask for it -- which would have discouraged someone who was merely curious or confused. You had to be dedicated. Now every fleeting impulse is available with click of a mouse.

Being exclusively attracted to the same sex makes you gay. It sounds like the OPs friend has never been attracted to women, but was in denial.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You said that the wife found gay porn before they were married, and they decided to marry anyway? She may be well aware that he is gay and perfectly happy with their marriage the way it is.

Personally I would stay out of this and tread very carefully about giving opinions.

Yes, this exactly.

Direct your friend to a professional counselor and then butt out.