My married friend told me that he's gay...

[Anonymous]

14:11 here again.

Well, if he's not attracted to her, or other women, and he is sure of it, then yeah, he's gay.

Eventually, he's going to start cheating. He's never been sexually fulfilled before and it's going to keep gnawing at him until one day when he wife walks in on him shtupping the poolboy. Religious guys are notorious for this.

He has two options: 1) divorce 2) come to an arrangement with his wife where they stay married for the sake of the kids, but are basically just roommates, and they have an open relationship.

#2 is more common than you might think.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm really trying to think about this from the perspective you asked for in your original question - what would I want to hear if this were my husband?

I'd want the truth, first and foremost. I'd want him to be willing to answer my questions honestly about affairs (emotional or otherwise), how he feels about me, how he feels about our family. If he were to lie about the emotional affair, I wouldn't be able to trust anything else he had to say. If he's going to come clean about his sexual orientation and rip apart my entire life in the process, I want to know the full truth of things.

Second, therapy, immediately. Together, him on his own, and me on my own.

Third, if he truly loved me and our children, I'd think he would thus be willing to allow me the space and time to decide how I want to live the rest of my life, with him as my husband or not. I don't want him to come at me with a plan for how we can manage this together. I'd want to work out for myself what *I* want, which might take many months to sort out. I'd want his patience with that, not pressure of "when can I start sleeping with so-and-so on the side?"

In my mind, this isn't a whole lot different than DH telling me he's fallen in love with another woman. If he were serious about wanting to keep our marriage and family intact, I'd expect him to end the relationship immediately and put me in the driver's seat when in comes to figuring out how to move forward. Personally, I think that if DH told me he was gay but didn't want to break up our family, I might in time be ok with the idea of him have sexual relationships with other men, provided I had the freedom to do the same. He and I would never be having sex again, though; I would have zero interest in sex with someone who wasn't attracted to me. I could believe, though, that his love for me and our family was true and honest even if not romantically-based. I'd want the commitment from him though that he was going to stick it out with our family for good - not leave 5 or 10 years down the line when he fell in love with someone else. Committing to stay means committing to stay, not leaving your options open.

[Anonymous]

I'm having trouble quoting, but my last sentence above is really the most important piece for me. If he couldn't make that commitment to me 100%, divorce would be my only option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:14:11 here again.

Well, if he's not attracted to her, or other women, and he is sure of it, then yeah, he's gay.

Eventually, he's going to start cheating. He's never been sexually fulfilled before and it's going to keep gnawing at him until one day when he wife walks in on him shtupping the poolboy. Religious guys are notorious for this.

He has two options: 1) divorce 2) come to an arrangement with his wife where they stay married for the sake of the kids, but are basically just roommates, and they have an open relationship.

#2 is more common than you might think.

I'm realizing that there's an entire world of people dealing with this kind of situation and it is honestly a little frightening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm really trying to think about this from the perspective you asked for in your original question - what would I want to hear if this were my husband?

I'd want the truth, first and foremost. I'd want him to be willing to answer my questions honestly about affairs (emotional or otherwise), how he feels about me, how he feels about our family. If he were to lie about the emotional affair, I wouldn't be able to trust anything else he had to say. If he's going to come clean about his sexual orientation and rip apart my entire life in the process, I want to know the full truth of things.

Second, therapy, immediately. Together, him on his own, and me on my own.

Third, if he truly loved me and our children, I'd think he would thus be willing to allow me the space and time to decide how I want to live the rest of my life, with him as my husband or not. I don't want him to come at me with a plan for how we can manage this together. I'd want to work out for myself what *I* want, which might take many months to sort out. I'd want his patience with that, not pressure of "when can I start sleeping with so-and-so on the side?"

In my mind, this isn't a whole lot different than DH telling me he's fallen in love with another woman. If he were serious about wanting to keep our marriage and family intact, I'd expect him to end the relationship immediately and put me in the driver's seat when in comes to figuring out how to move forward. Personally, I think that if DH told me he was gay but didn't want to break up our family, I might in time be ok with the idea of him have sexual relationships with other men, provided I had the freedom to do the same. He and I would never be having sex again, though; I would have zero interest in sex with someone who wasn't attracted to me. I could believe, though, that his love for me and our family was true and honest even if not romantically-based. I'd want the commitment from him though that he was going to stick it out with our family for good - not leave 5 or 10 years down the line when he fell in love with someone else. Committing to stay means committing to stay, not leaving your options open.

This is great. Thank you. I'm forwarding him your message.

I could see them living together for some amount of time to figure out the logistics but I don't know how either person would handle not falling in love with someone else and wanting to build a life with them. Though I'm sure it happens.

[Anonymous]

OP, I really think you are too deeply involved in this. I doubt the wife would appreciate his confiding so much in you. It is nice you are so concerned, and it sounds like you are a good friend. I would take a step back and just listen at this point. Not offer more advice.

[Anonymous]

Whenever I hear of a gay person marrying a straight person of the opposite sex, it often comes off as though the sraight person is being used just to have children. If my husband did this to me, I think I would feel he used me to pop out some kids for him.

In this case it sounds like the wife knew he at least leaned this way. She might be less surprised than he imagines.

[Anonymous]

14:45 - So, you would want to stay together because you committed to stay but you would be willing to explore the options of both of you having sex with others so you'd be breaking said vows anyway! That is not good advice, I am sorry.

First of all this guy was looking at gay porn 8 years ago. The wife was silly to ignore that.

Fast forward to today and it sounds like he is practically having a breakdown because of this "emotional affair." I doubt it's simply an emotional affair or he wouldn't be as upset as you make him sound, OP.

Every gay person I know says that they have always known they were gay. I believe you said this about your friend earlier as well. I believe you also said he comes from a religious background. What I do not understand is this. It is 2014. It's NOT THE 1950's! Your friend should have sought counseling a LONG time ago and never should have married this woman. She too, should have recognized the warning signs but she chose to put her blinders on and move forward.

I know several gay men who used to be married to women and had children with them. The children are all grown now and everyone is happily adjusted. I cannot imagine what it would have been like had those couples stayed together.

It's a sad situation your friend is in and I wish him the best of luck, truly I do. But I do not think he can stay with his wife and live a lie and pretend to be something he is not. Nor to I think it would be a healthy family dynamic to have mother and father married with mother sleeping with whomever she wants and father having a boyfriend on the side.

There will definitely be some tough times ahead for everyone but living the truth is better than living a lie.

Just my opinion. Good luck to your friend, OP.

[Anonymous]

I really doubt that gays get married to women for the purpose of children. They do it due to social pressure, or because they don't have a good understanding of their sexuality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he is disgusted with the idea of leaving his wife, they why should he leave his wife? He loves her, they have kids. how is his having feelings for another man different from having feelings for another woman?

Because he's denying one of the core aspects of being a human. Romantic love. He's aware he isn't giving that to his wife and I've told him that by staying he's basically choosing a life without that for her as well. It isn't his right as far as I'm concerned.

This.

Divorce sucks but it's not the worst thing in the world. Living a lie is worse. And fooling another person into staying in a marriage that is a sham is even worse than that.

Besides, what if it all blows up in his face one day? Better to be honest now, and let everyone go through the pain and find their new normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really doubt that gays get married to women for the purpose of children. They do it due to social pressure, or because they don't have a good understanding of their sexuality.

These marriages happen more often than people think. In terms of sexuality, it is very difficult, especially for men, to acknowledge their orientation. I feel badly for everyone involved in these situations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You said that the wife found gay porn before they were married, and they decided to marry anyway? She may be well aware that he is gay and perfectly happy with their marriage the way it is.

Personally I would stay out of this and tread very carefully about giving opinions.

I would think the wife already knows something is about this. It usually isn't a total surprise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:14:45 - So, you would want to stay together because you committed to stay but you would be willing to explore the options of both of you having sex with others so you'd be breaking said vows anyway! That is not good advice, I am sorry.

1) I did not say I'd want to stay together BECAUSE we committed to stay. I didn't say anything at all about why I might choose to stay married, I just said that I'd require commitment to our family and marriage to do so. It's not about breaking some standard vows of marriage, or not, for me. It would be about how my husband and I would choose to define our marriage and the bounds of our relationship moving forward. That's up to us to choose, not about how others view marriage vows.

2) I didn't give any advice. I replied to the OP's question about what I'd want if it were my husband we were talking about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he is disgusted with the idea of leaving his wife, they why should he leave his wife? He loves her, they have kids. how is his having feelings for another man different from having feelings for another woman?

Yes, married with kids --- he signed on the dotted line and made a commitment, then made further commitments by having not ONE but more kids.


He's a married man, and should behave as one.

Fuck that!! If my husband was gay--I'd set him free. It's biological/genetic. We would be unable to fulfill each other.

Confess. I'd want to have the hard conversation and not be married to a liar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I really think you are too deeply involved in this. I doubt the wife would appreciate his confiding so much in you. It is nice you are so concerned, and it sounds like you are a good friend. I would take a step back and just listen at this point. Not offer more advice.

I agree with this. I don't think it is good for him or you (potential scape goat later) for you to be steering the outcome one way or the other. Tell him to talk to a therapist.